Feelings As of Lately

I feel that I don't belong in society.

That sentence pretty much sums it up.

For my whole 45 years of life, there has been some things wrong with me.

I realize that I am not as bad off as some people out there, and I'm glad of that.  But there are some things wrong with me that is difficult to describe to others.  I feel that unless you are in my shoes, then you can not understand me.  Those people that have it worse off than me.  I can't understand them.  I can imagine it.  But I can't really understand it from an experience standpoint.  All the people I run into at work, or even online don't understand me.

I don't make friends, and now at my age, I don't think I can make friends.  The typical list is people at my age are too busy for it.  Sometimes I think what is wrong with me just drives people away.  I am a socially awkward person.  I don't know why I am socially awkward.  I just am.  There is almost no way for me to even describe it to you.  I can tell you some of my life story and hope and pray that you can logically do the math and come up with some sort of understanding.  But that is as far as I can take you.  I have tried this before, and it is never enough!

Right now, I think there is someone online that I am slowly loosing  People build friendships around what they think they have in common with someone else.  I am different from the average of what is around me.

The typical answers people give me don't work.  I can not make them work.  And when people realize this, then they abandon me.  I think what they think in their heads is, "This guy just needs to try harder."  Like I said earlier, these people are just not in my shoes.  They don't seem to see things, or feel things from the perspective that life put me in.

Believe it or not, I don't like to write, and I don't like to write like this.  But when I feel it is necessary to write, I will write.  Today I woke up with my body misbehaving like it has been doing for a year.  Before you ask, I have been to the doctor, and He's tried something that didn't work.  In early 2025 I get a colonoscopy done to see if there is any serious problems in that area of my body.  But I have had those issues in my body for as long as I've been alive.  They just were not as bad as they are now.

I don't understand how everything in a person effects everything else.  But it does, because our bodies are all one complicated machine.

Getting back on topic:  I woke up not feeling well, and decided to check my email.  As usual there is nothing in my inbox on any of my email addresses.  The reason why is people are not attracted to me.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what I say.  I can get myself into trouble with people easier than I can grow friendships.

People can not understand why it is I am so negative.  I don't fully understand it either.  All I can say is I have feelings of negativity that are very difficult to get rid of.  People can see it on my face, and I can not even hide it.

I am alone, and people try to tell me that I am not alone.  It makes me scratch my head.  How can I not be alone and yet still be alone?  The internet is the only place that I can be fully honest with people.  My other place in life is work.  I know what you are going to say before you say it.  "You need to get out more"  And I have received different variations of that suggestion.  My answer is, I would love too.  But there are still things that you don't understand about me yet.  You don't know what hinders me from getting out more.  That is another topic in of it's self!