Don’t know what to do…help!
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we’ve been through a lot in that time. We have 2 kids with additional needs and life is busy and hard work. We live in a regional area and he travels 1.5hrs drive away to the city to his dream job. I work 2 casual jobs locally and do everything else for me and the kids. We had a big fight on the weekend (one of many) and I’m not sure if I can recover from it again. I have no family support I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of the day and feel so unappreciated. The only place I feel safe is in my bed on my side. On Saturday he took the kids out for a few hours and as soon as he got home he went straight to the bedroom and got into bed on my side of the bed without a word to me. I was annoyed as he didn’t communicate with me whatsoever about the outing or how he was feeling and just took over my safe space and expected me to take over care of the kids immediately as “he’d done it all day”. I did raise my voice which was not ok but I was so triggered that he completely ignored me and expected me to just take over while he relaxed in the only place I feel comfortable and safe in the house!! I have a lot of trauma around feeling safe as I was raised by a narcissistic mother and I’m doing a lot of work on healing, one of the ways is creating a safe space for myself, which I have explained to him. He never makes me feel heard or seen and therefore safe. He stayed in the bedroom for the next 4 hours and then when he emerged he screamed his head off at me for they way I spoke to him when he came home and went straight to the bedroom. He said he can do whatever he wants he doesn’t have to ask permission to rest. I apologised for the way I spoke but tried to explain why and he just shouted me down yelling about how I give him nothing and I’m always feeling sick or tired or going on about some problem he doesn’t want to hear about, that’s why he doesn’t listen, and that’s how he’ll continue. He said he wants to sleep in separate rooms and doesn’t want to talk about it has basically just ignored me since. I’m not sure what to do now. I’m so hurt and over being unseen, unheard and unappreciated for everything I do for my family. I’m not sure I can come back from this with him. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want anything else to do with me. I feel so alone. Any suggestions about what I should do next?
@lightHuman1618 I am not married, nor have children
I live with my parents and 2 sisters, and my parents treat me the same, I am expected to cook, clean, help my moms business, help the girls with their homework, shower the younger one, get her stuff ready for school, clean the youngest and my mothers rooms and do laundry, including my mothers
If he is not willing to support you, and intrudes on your safe space, then he is not someone who needs to be part of your life
He is not helping your healing, he is hindering it
Having a father who will spend a few hours with them and then come dump them on you and lock himself away, as if it is a burden to watch them, is only going to negatively impact your children as they get older
I am not in your shoes, i cant imagine how you must feel
But my thoughts and prayers are with you, I am always here to listen if you need so friend
Have a wonderful day <3
Thank you so much for responding Sweetgirl07, it really means a lot to me.
You are right, I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back in my healing journey when I have these confrontations with him.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m afraid that if I leave I will lose the house and possibly access to my kids. I don’t know how far he’d go as he’s threatened to take them away from me before. He’s good at painting me in a very negative light due to my mental health issues. I’m constantly reminded of my flaws. At least I’ve never stopped trying to improve myself and always working on healing and never let my kids suffer as a result. I do however get scared that staying is causing my kids damage as they see how he treats me and them to a lesser extent. I’m so confused about how to handle this situation best. 😔
I'm not married yet but I will say this,if he doesn't want to talk to you at all,why not try writing down everything you are feeling right now and drop it in his room since he wants to stay in a separate room,with what you said I can tell you want to fight for your married because you still love him,I get you're feeling so unseen now,take a break,just go out and live a little bit,he will definitely come around I wish you the best mami
For context, I am married and I have kids.
This sounds like a really toxic relationship to be in, with a person that clearly also has mental health issues. It’s not because he doesn’t talk about them that he doesn’t have them.
It’s not “normal” nor acceptable to take the kids away without informing your partner, nor to come home to dump the kids on them like that. This sounds like an infuriating situation to be in and raising your voice is understandable.
What I would like to assure you is that the law is on your side. If you wish to do so, find a good lawyer before informing him of anything. The lawyer will be able to support you throughout this process and act in YOUR best interest.
I would personally refrain from threatening him to divorce him until you have a plan fully in place. I’m not aware of your situation and relationship but I’ve seen too many angry men act impulsively in my life and this is the last thing we’d want to deal with if you didn’t have a plan in place.
The lawyer can help you keep the children and the house through the divorce process too.
I hope you are able to get your family out of this toxic situation and that you are to heal. For yourself and for your kids.
Sending lots of love.