Does crying need justification? Venting about last night and my mother...
Last night, i was crying a lot and my mother was so angry with me about it and she was quite literally scolding me for crying. i mean i share a room with her, and i was crying in bed and our beds are stuck to each other, so she could obviously hear me crying.
I know that it's not always fun to have to hear someone cry when you yourself are sick and want some peace and quiet. i understand that my mother is sick and in pain and she didn't want to hear me crying in that time and my crying supposedly disturbed her sleep. but she only kept doing things to make me cry even more.
She continuously kept asking why i was crying and of course, i would never tell her that. but since i didn't tell her, she made some assumptions and started scolding me saying "you will do wrong towards me, you will express anger towards me, and you will cry" and a lot of other kinds of scoldings based on her assumption. her assumption was surely wrong and knowing about her assumptions just made me cry even more to be honest.
She was even rubbing her hands on my back maybe because she thought that would comfort or silence me but it only made the crying worse because i hate my mother and don't like her touching me. so i was moving to the edge of the bed to possibly escape her reach, and she got annoyed by that and said another bunch of hurtful things that made me start crying loudly, when i was previously crying fairly silently.
Okay, i get that she didn't like me crying when she's in pain too and want to sleep but can't. but why does she have to make such a fuss about my crying, i dont understand. like stereotypically, boys aren't allowed to cry (which makes no sense to me, because they can feel bad and want to cry too). but what problem does she have with me crying, I'm not even a boy. (also, she was the one who started crying first, and when i see someone crying, most of the time, i automaticly start crying as well. but she didnt cry for nearly as long as i did.)
I don't remember how i stopped crying or if i even stopped crying or just fell asleep while crying. whatever it was, in the morning when i woke up, my mother told me "you don't have to tell me why you were crying, but just think about it. whatever the reason is, is it justified?" in her opinion, her crying is justified because i caused her pain.
This brings me to the question, does crying need justification? if yes, what are some legitimate reasons to cry and what happens if i cry over a non-legitimate reason or cry without a reason (that does happen sometimes, or does it just happen to me)?
Today i was again crying in while showering and i dont understand how, but my mother still hear me crying even with the tap running. i thought i had learnt how to cry silently, but i just got proven wrong. my mother takes my crying as me not caring about her because she has assumed that i am crying because she is sick. (that's not what i cried about, and dunno how crying about that would mean i don't care about her, but let it be.) she later told me that i just cry without a reason. i said that i don't cry without a reason. and then she's like "then tell me the reason". i refused to tell her and then she told me "what is this reason that you can't tell your own mother about? i don't understand you, is it?"
I just replied "oh you do understand, is it?" and left it there. honestly, i have to say, she does NOT understand. if she did, she wouldn't scold me for crying, she wouldn't yell at me, she wouldn't call me names, she would talk to me lovingly, she would take me seriously when i tell her that that i want to sleep and not wake up, she would understand that there's something dewper behind my slow eating, she wouldn't say that i just complain all the time, she wouldn't tell me that i deserve pain and suffering in my life, she wouldn't tell me that i won't learn a lesson until she dies.
Sorry about the angry rant there. thank you for reading this long post. 💙
tagging vase buddy @bestVase7265, i hope you don't mind, feel free to ignore the tag if I'm bothering you.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 You don’t need a reason to cry. Your mom takes your crying personally. Parents don’t like their children to be in pain. People in general can become uncomfortable around someone else’s suffering. You will feel whatever you feel and it’s all your personal experience and you shouldn’t have to defend it. Parents don’t always get it. My parent punished me when I cried - demanded I shut up and smile. It’s unfair! Like I have to be responsible for not making my parent uncomfortable so I have to hide my tears? I should be forced to show the opposite emotion? I would guess your mom is working from the scrip and expectations her parents had of her.
@PineTreeTree hey there! thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry I'm replying to you so late, I'm really sorry.
thanks for the reassurance that i dont need a reason to cry, it really means a lot. my mother does take my crying personally, you're so right. i know parents dont usually like seeing their kids in pain, but i dunno if that applies to my parents too, because they themselves cause me so much pain. but never mind. it's feels so good to hear that i feel what i feel and i dont have to defend it. thank you so much. ❤️
aww your parents punished you for crying and demanded you smile? that sounds horrible. that's so unfair. of course you arent responsible for not making your parents uncomfortable and you shouldnt have to hide your tears. you shouldnt be forced to show the opposite emotion at all. I'm so sorry your parents didnt let you cry, it really sucks. 🤍
but yeah, you guessed it absolutely right, mother is doing this based on the expectations my grandparents had of her...
You aren't bothering me at all. Because of my other longer post though, I am going to keep this one shorter and focus on answering the question.
No, crying requires no justification. You are allowed to cry whenever you need. Your mom is yelling because ultimately she knows that she is doing damage that she feels guilty about. Can you change that? Also, no. But you don't need to transfer her guilt back onto yourself. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 ohh i just assumes i was bothering you because i tagged you on a really long post haha and have you a super duper long read. but I'm glad I'm not being bothersome. thank you so much for replying, it's so good to hear from you.
crying doesn't need justification is nice to hear. i agree that my mother could be yelling at me because deep down, she probably does know what she's doing and probably does feel guilty but can't admit that and tried to blame me instead. but i have no way of knowing. but anyway, of course i can't change that. i guess i shouldn't feel guilty about it, but at least on some level, i do feel guilty haha.
Of course on some level you do feel guilty still. You are building up your tolerance against her even when you cry. Not allowing her to control how you are feeling (good or bad) will take time, But you are going to figure this out. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 well, it's really hard for me to not let others control how i feel. it's unfortunately really very easy for people to affect my mood or feelings. when i see others happy, i feel better. when i see others angry or sad, or in pain, it usually brings down my mood too. I'm trying to not let my environment control how i feel, but honestly, it's really very hard.
Yes, it is hard. But you are already starting to do it and head in a better direction. I know that you can't feel it yet. Trust me. Your responses are getting more confident and healthier. I can see it.
It won't be true every day. Some days will still be bad. But you are starting to get some better ones in there. It is a very slow building process. @exuberantBlackberry9105
I know. My sister-in-law used to say the same thing to me when I was in the depths and I didn't believe her either. But somehow trusting that other people were seeing improvements that I wasn't helped me a bit.
It also helped when I started looking for the right thing - I wasn't looking for a day of peace or feeling better. I certainly wasn't looking for a week or a month. What I was looking for was a half hour or an hour. When I started celebrating those then my periods of peace began to grow a little longer. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i see. it's hard, but I'm trying to believe that others are seeing improvements in my messages.
well, a full day of feeling better is probably never going to happen. it's not possible for everything to be good on a certain day, let alone a week or month. i dont think i even ever feel better for half an hour or an hour, maybe something good happens and i feel better for the following few mins but that's all i guess.
I'm trying to notice those and appreciate those but it's really hard especially when it's followed by a long time of feeling absolutely awful. "When I started celebrating those then my periods of peace began to grow a little longer." but that's something i will try to realise and keep in mind. thanks for sharing that, vase. 🤍
You are doing it slowly but surely by looking for those little moments and little victories like I suggested in my other message.
Your mom spreads lots of negativity to push back against. I know how hard it is. But the longer that you do it the stronger you will become. @exuberantBlackberry9105
Good. I am reading a great book right now about turning off all of society's negative messaging to find the real you. It is a lifelong journey with lots of bumps along the way. It is called Let Your Life Speak. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@exuberantBlackberry9105 crying never needs justification. tears cleanse the soul. im sorry you feel so much resentment towards your mom....i dont know the whole story between you two but i do know she loves you. if she was rubbing your back in comfort she loves you. it is possible she loves herself more by the sounds of it, but she does love you. i have a parent (ex parent really, its my bio dad i havent seen since i was 6) but he was so self absorbed and loved himself more.
my step dad is chronically ill and noisies do make the pain worse. i can justify that but you must have had a ligetamate reason to cry. crying also need so justification. crying just means you have such overwhelming feelings (sadness, andger, happy exc. literally anything) that your body doesnt know what to do with it. i know this might me a stretch, but would you mind sharing with me your issues with your mom? they sound pretty heavy and run deep for sure. if possible, talk to your mom. tell her there will be no yelling, screaming. just talking and just talk through your emotions with her. thats the start to a second chance at a relationship with her. tell her all the things she does that makes you resent her and try and help her fix them.
i know i know absolutely nothing about your situation, but i want to help. and i am here to help if youll let me.
@EmmyMarie06 i know you said you hate your mom, and it is possible you hold so many feelings against her that it does feel like that, but you cant lie to yourself. a part of you will always want a real relationship with her. its your mom. if you need drive to fix things with your mom, let that feeling you covered up a long time ago come up again with time and use that. tell her you love her. even if you dont truly mean it inside and out. she needs to hear it.
@EmmyMarie06 i will say that part of me probably does want a nice mother who I'm close to and feel comfortable with. but I've come to terms with the fact that it won't proably ever happen for me.
i wouldn't want to tell her i love her, when i really don't. I've given her that fake "i love you" message a lot, especially on her birthday. but she never tells me that she loves me, not even once on special days. she also says that i say those things just for the sake of it, which is true, to be honest. so i dont want to do it anymore, i dont want to lie to her saying i love her. i wouldn't want to tell anyone that i love them when i dont, because i know i wouldn't want her or anyone else to tell me that they love me when they really dont.....
@EmmyMarie06 hi emmy, thanks for your reply. thanks for saying that ceying doesnt need justification, that's really reassuring and good to hear.
but i dont really think my mother loves me. she might have tried rubbing her hand on my back to comfort or silence me, but it was not at all comforting for me, i dont like any kinda rubbing and she should know that by now. also, she could see me going away from her when she started rubbing her hand, and if she loved me she would have realised that it's something that's making me uncomfortable and left it there instead of waiting for me to yell 'stop that'. if she loved me, why'd she tell me that i deserve pain and suffering in my life?
I'm so sorry to hear about your step dad. that must be really hard for him. how's he managing?
i think that's very well said, crying means we have overwhelming feelings our body doesnt know what to do with.
i won't mind sharing all the issues i have with my mother, but it would be a long list, and i dont want to make it too long, so I'll keep it short for now. it's basically that there's a lot of tension between us. she complains about me, i complain about her. she yells at me, calls me names, says a bunch of hurtful stuff and so on. those things do hurt and anger me a lot. i sometimes do yell, but i never call her names, at least not aloud. another thing is as I'm growing older, i want more personal space, i want more privacy, and that's not something she likes because we share a room, which really does suck.
hmm, i dont think it's possible for me to talk to her. i cant just go tell her that there will be no yelling, because I'm not a saint here, i yell too sometimes. i cant talk about my emotions with her, convos with her really arent fun, she doesnt seem to be listening properly and talking to her just makes me feel weak and vulnerable. and i really dont trust her, so i would hate to talk to her about my emotions.
thanks for reaching out, emmy, and thank you for offering help. it really means a lot to me. 💙
@exuberantBlackberry9105 im real sorry to hear that your relationship with your mom is hanging on by two threads and its only cause you still live with her. honestly sounds like how things are with my dad rn, but its fine lol. honestly i hope for the best. i think your mom and you have grown so distant both of you kinda resent eachother, and nither of you are brave enough to make the first move to fixing things. im here for you and wish you the best!!!
@EmmyMarie06 I'm sorry that sounds like how things are with your dad, i understand its really hard for you. if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you, okay? i hope for the best for you two.
yeah, you're right, my mother and i really have grown distant over the years. we used to be a lot closer when i was younger. but sadly we've become distant not, and it only seems to be getting worse....
@exuberantBlackberry9105 bro just wanna tell one thing first of all br grateful that your mother is alive she is the only one who care for you without any return you WILL UNDERSTAND THIS WHEN SHE IS GONE OLS RESPECT HER LOVE AND CARE HER IT HELPS AND START PHYSICAL WORKING OUT PREFERABLY IN GYM IT REALLY HELPS
@sympatheticNickel9241 hi there, thanks for replying.
i understand i might need to be a bit more grateful for her. i believe that even though i hate her overall, i do appreciate the few good things she does.
but i have to say that she is not the only one who cares without any return. i dunno if she even cares (like if she did, why would she tell me i will only get pain and suffering in my life? why would she tell me such horrible and hurtful things?) but even if she does care and uses the 'fact' that i annoy her and cause her pain, to 'justify' her hurtful words, she's not the only one.
i believe my friends and listeners on 7cups care about me more and they are the only reason i am still alive, and not my mother. they are the ones who are there for me when i truly need someone, my mother never is. and they dont get anything in return from me either.
not trying to say my mother does nothing for me, she does do a lot, but i dont know if she really cares or she does it because it's she duty. whatever it it, if she does care, she is no way the only one.
i will understand this when she is gone? well, that's something I've hard a lot, she yells at me saying i will never learn a lesson until she dies. i dont know, maybe.
mmm but may i please request you to not use all caps? it's very hard for me to read and it also comes across as shouting.
i try not to disrespect her as much as i can, at least in front of her. i realise that saying that i hate her probably is disrespectful, but i am being honest about how i feel about her. but it's very to love her or show her care when she hurts me so much.
i dunno how this is related to my mother, but yeah, i do exercise a little. at home.
No, it doesn't. Even I cry sometimes unreasonably.
Also, I'm so sorry about how your mother treated you. I've been in a similar situation and I could understand how you feel. I hope you get better.
Sending lots of hugs ❤️