Does anyone else feel like they lack a clear identity and personality compared to a more favored sibling?
I'm hesitant to call myself the scapegoat and my sister the golden child because sometimes I think the roles between us switched depending on the situation or stages in our lives. My sister did have a lot of problems because of my parents' (particularly my father's) expectations and treatment of her. However, my parents always spoke of her with great reverence and it's also easy to mention a lot of things about her personality, her interests, her likes and dislikes, etc. Growing up, my dad always talked to me about how she used to be an overachiever and was so highly intelligent that she was in Mensa, and since childhood, I always felt really small in comparison, like I could never live up to that. She passed away in 2007 and my dad is still grieving her loss to the point of not taking care of himself at all, and he's now at a point where he has to go to the hospital on a frequent basis. He still always talks about losing her, how he feels like a failure, etc. I try to be compassionate with him because obviously it is awful losing a loved one and really awful to lose a child, and I also feel like there's a big piece missing in our lives, but my dad sometimes gets to a point where it gets to be way too much.
On the other hand, when it comes to me, I just feel sort of like...a lump, I guess. My parents know some things about me, like my interests and what I like/dislike. But I honestly don't know what they'd say about me if you asked them to describe me, and I feel like if they did come up with something, it probably would be less than flattering.
I don't have a big in-person friend group like my sister did (most of my own friends nowadays are online), and the other friends that I do have are people who knew my sister (and I think my sister had them promise to keep an eye on me in case something happened) or neighbors whom I don't really spend any time with but occasionally talk to on my daily walks. A lot of times, I feel like both my parents and some of my sister's friends see me as a placeholder for my sister, not realizing that I may not be 100% into the kind of things she was or would be into, and it kind of messes with my head. My dad's one friend even told me that I basically am taking on the role of 2 daughters, which is why my parents get super worried and overreact to the idea of me doing things on my own. I'm quiet and introverted, and I spend most of my time in my bedroom. My sister had a stronger personality than I did and was more daring. I sort of feel like a "non-person", for lack of a better word.
I was wondering if anyone else had any similar feelings and how they deal with them, or if there was any sort of name for this phenomenon.
@DitaBear Hey there, welcome to 7Cups <3 Thank you for sharing such a personal and thoughtful reflection. It’s clear that you’ve been carrying a lot of complex emotions about your role in your family and how you feel compared to your sister. It sounds like you’re trying to navigate a difficult situation where you feel overshadowed and misunderstood, and that’s a really tough place to be.
Feeling like you’re being compared to a sibling or that you’re not fully seen for who you are must be incredibly challenging. It’s valid to feel like you’re caught in a difficult position, especially when dealing with the lingering grief of losing your sister and the expectations that come with it. It also makes sense to feel like your individuality might be overshadowed by her memory and your parents' grief.
How do you usually cope with these feelings of being overlooked or not fully recognized? Have you found any moments or activities where you feel a bit more seen or understood for who you are, separate from your sister's memory?
@Mel Thank you for replying and being understanding! It really does feeling overshadowing a lot of times.
For coping with anything that makes me feel bad, my favorite things to do are listen to music or go for a walk (or both at the same time!) For individual stuff: there's a lot of stuff that I enjoy that my sister probably wouldn't. I like a lot of music that she liked but I know she didn't/wouldn't like some of the stuff that I listen to. Same with certain movies and shows. I also have my own group of online friends from completely different communities than what she was into, and they're all generally within my age range.
@DitaBear I also struggle with feeling overshadowed. I hate that I have a difficulty making new friends. It's nice to know that I'm not alone :) I hope you overcome your struggles
It’s nice knowing that the both of us are not alone. I hope you overcome your struggles as well!
@DitaBear Thank you!
@DitaBear
In my family my brother is the golden favorite. Funny how everyone thought it’d be me just bc I’m the youngest yet I’ve suffered the most out of all 4 of us siblings. Yeah this toxic family definitely has favoritism in it. A lot of favoritism but while it’s mostly for one person, my brother, my two sisters have favoritism towards them by others.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that as well. I think a lot of people stereotype us younger/youngest siblings as the favorites but of course in reality everything is on an individual basis. How do you deal with those feelings?
@DitaBear
Thank you for your supportive response.
I deal with this as well as these feelings in different ways. Staying away from certain people, listening to music, walking, watching shows or movies, doing housework, writing stuff, pretty much anything to get my mind off of it.
@akunknown Oh my god, we deal with the same issue! I'm the youngest of 4 children and my siblings are like the golden children. Though I'm rebellious more than any of them lol could have been how I grew up. But I hope you're doing well :)
@DitaBear
In my family, I was the oldest and a girl. 2 strikes against me. My younger brother was the golden child who was always forgiven while I was punished for his deeds. I was never good enough. Because I was a girl, I couldn't go out at night with friends or drive. They bought my brother a car when he was 17. After I graduated high school, I went to art college in another state to gain freedom. But I was a disappointment to my family and did not receive much support. My brother went to law school and went into corporate law. Hi son just started a USC with a scholarship, doing sports medicine. My brother and I never talk to each other unless we have to, thanks to our parents. Now my parents are in their 80's and ignore or forgotten the past. But my mom still compares us and our kids.
A lot of this led to my ptsd, low self-esteem, and depression both as a child and an adult. I never felt good enough, I was just tolerated.
You are not alone. Somehow you will find a way to break out and hopefully become the person you were always meant to be.
You're not alone. I feel the same.
@selfconfidentHuman2571 I'm so sorry you feel this way too ☹️ Is there anything that you do to help deal with those feelings?
My therapist 😁!
Do you feel better today?
@DitaBear I have always felt so overshadowed by my brother, even though we are very close and I did tell him that I feel as if I am not important at all because of how everyone has to talk about him and make things about him no matter what. One thing I realised is that my brother does not put on airs about it and it is just other people who are toxic. My mother and aunt often say, "If your brother were doing this (any exam I am preparing for, let us say) he would have excelled at it." I mean come on, I am preparing for it and not him, can't we not make my efforts about him too? I have started ignoring these things a bit but I still feel soo irritated that even my dreams have to be covered by his existence. Even though my father is supportive of me, I can't help but feel that when the three of us are converting on any issue, his words are revered to be more rational and intellectual while even if I made a similar point, it would barely get any limelight. For now, I guess I just want to get back the control of my life. I have allowed them to get inside my head too much. There is a limit to how much I can try to be "the perfect child" I have a dream now and no matter what they say or how they ask me to do things, I want to go my way. So cheer up. You are not alone. And one day, you can show them that as yourself, in your own skin and personality and intellect, you are way beyond their imagination. Let everyone in the family think that I have got nothing worthwhile going, we have the same parents, how much more can he be than me? Don't let anyone supress who you can be.
@DitaBear
Does anyone else feel like they lack a clear identity and personality compared to a more favored sibling?
All of my siblings and I are really close and we all have our own issues. However, it seems I'm the only one to struggle with identity. I'm the youngest in my family, I've seen and learned a lot early on. What to do to make our parents happy and how to avoid making them mad. They went through their whole rebellion stage but I was too scared to even try. I just did what I was told and avoided conflict whenever I could. I did whatever my parents wanted but still they didn't seem to care all that much. They focused more on what my siblings were doing and their achievements. So, when I actually started trying in school and was getting good grades they finally took notice. While my siblings fought for their dreams and stood by their choices I found it easier to simply roll over and give in. I would see the pain they'd go through and I couldn't fathom going through that for something as silly as a dream or passion. Which is something I deeply regret. I spent so much time catering to others that I barely recognize my own self. What do I want? Who am I really? What am I feeling? I felt empty and used. Now, I'm doing my best to put myself first. To understand the things I like and explore my interest. Which often leads to conflicts because what I want isn't exactly deemed 'good enough' for my parents but I deserve this. I deserve to be happy, genuinely happy. Little by little I'm remembering and piecing together my values, aspirations, and goals.
@DitaBear
Hi Dita! 😊 ❤️
Thank you so very much for your forum post and for reaching out for help and support! I know how incredibly hard that can be sometimes! Your post certainly did cause me "pause" and I will do my best for you sweet friend! 😊
First, please accept my condolences for your loss. This is really a big deal, I get it! I hear you! I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to process your own feelings and emotions, going through the grief process and in addition to that, there appears to be other layers to work through.
An old saying that comes to mind is "no one is perfect but God and the dead" (this may make more sense the more I speak to you here in the thread). I imagine it was hard enough growing up, feeling as if you were standing in the shadow of your sister from time to time. You have a right to your feelings. It really is the one thing in life that no one can argue with you about as your feelings, are yours and yours alone. No one can dictate to you how it is that you "must feel".
As if it wasn't hard enough to "compete" (not the right word) or find your own role, space, identity, ways to shine, pecking order in the family, etc. (sibling rivalry is a term and for a reason) well......what does one do now? You are suffering a great loss, so is the rest of your family and family friends. How does one find their own identity now when you are being compared to or feeling like a "stand in" to someone that you deeply loved that is no longer here?
I can understand that others are going through their very own grief process however, it could be good to have a serious conversation with the people around you. Clearly others around you are not handling this well. It could be time to discuss with others how it is that they are making you feel. You matter too! It's unfair to you for others to overly fixate on the one that has gone and not to see that you are standing right in front of them (and hurting). It's wrong for you to feel left behind. Have they learned nothing already through this loss? They can "hold space" for her of course and they still need to "hold space" for you as well. ❤️
What I hear you saying that perhaps your parents and especially your father may have been a bit overly harsh with your sister. Many times this happens with the first born in the family. As he is grieving the loss, it sounds as if he is feeling a great deal of guilt in how it is that he treated her? What I also hear is that your father is experiencing mental health issues to the degree he isn't taking care of himself and is often hospitalized. It would be up to you as to if he is even capable of hearing what it is that you have to say. Sometimes part of self care and loving ones self is acknowledging who to go to, who is capable of hearing you out, caring for you, loving you and in all of the right ways. He could be a bit too far gone, self consumed and self focused. Only you would would be able to ascertain.
It sounds as if there are others around you that are making you feel this way and perhaps they may be in a better mindset, "head space" to hear how you feel about things, how you feel they are making you feel. As always, it can be best to sit down and have discussions when an "injury" is not in progress. Sometimes asking for another's time, sitting down in a calm moment can really be helpful.
Perhaps they are unaware of how it is they are making you feel and it sounds worthy to have a discussion about it.
It also sounds as if they have become even more protective of you. You still deserve the chance to learn and grow, have some semblance of independence, to fly and spread your own wings as so is the natural progression of life. You can't have all of this taken away from you in the name of someone that is no longer here. You are not here to pay some sort of penance, to be some "stand in" or have to deal with negative behaviors of others that just aren't right. Others around you should be adults and come to terms with how it is that they are treating you and that it may be "reactive" and not the best choices or in the best interests for you as a human being. In short, to me, it sounds a bit selfish of them.
Again, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. We are here for you! You are not alone! ❤️
big big *hugs*❤️ my friend