Dealing with disappointment toward a mother
My mother has been in an on-and-off relationship for years. At first, I was happy for her since she had been single for a long time before meeting him. I overlooked the fact that he didn't seem like a responsible person; he had been in jail for driving under the influence, and it was suspicious that there were times when I didn't see him for days or even weeks. I minimized the situation, telling myself that his job required him to be away sometimes. However, that was not the case.
My mother and I discovered that he was living with another woman to whom he was giving money instead of paying child support for his child. We found this out when the woman showed up at our house one day looking for him, mistakenly thinking he lived alone. We find out about the latter when we received a letter from the police department or the court notifying us that he was not paying child support.
After some time, he continued to go back to this other woman, and my mother's mother-in-law even advised her to leave his belongings at that woman's house. My mother considered ending the relationship, but in the end, she didn't. He returned after serving time in jail for hitting that woman. She believed he wouldn't come back to her, so she allowed him to stay at our place.
However, after the other woman came looking for him twice and after multiple fights between my mother and him, she finally took his belongings and left them at that woman's house. Even though she remained in contact with him instead of blocking him like I suggested, I held onto the hope that I wouldn’t have to see him again. Unfortunately, that hope didn't last long.
Months later, he knocked on our door late at night while my mother was sleeping because she had work the next day. She woke up and came to my room to tell me it was him and asked me to open the door. I was infuriated with her because I wanted her to ignore him or tell him that if he didn't leave, she would call the police. I refused to open the door, which led her to go and open it herself.
I am once again disappointed in her. After years of being in this situation, she still doesn’t listen to anyone. I wish she had more self-respect and could stand up for herself, but I don’t think that will ever happen because she has always been the type of person to let others walk over her without taking action. I don't know how to cope with watching someone I care about treat herself like this.
@energeticPrune260 I know it's been a while, is the situation still the same? It's really disappointing that someone who should ideally be a responsible guardian figure, someone who is there to be a good example and guide and support you, is instead causing you to want to mother her. But, keep in mind that you are not her mother. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Sometimes we just want people to change, but we can't change them. It sounds like your mother has things that she needs to work out with herself if she's letting this happen. It makes me angry actually that she's letting this happen and not considering how you feel about this or that you are right to not want this man in your family's life.
Thank you for your message.
Fortunately, the situation has improved. At one point, I was angry with her because she borrowed him my car without asking me. I understood why she did it; after all, he didn't have any other way to get to work. However, I lent her my car so she could go to work, not to let someone I don't even trust drive it, especially without my consent.
Fortunately, she realized that the situation wouldn't work out. As I told her, I would not drive either of them to or back from work. If she continued to lend him my car, she would have to walk home or find someone else to drive her, because I wouldn’t do it, and he would be at work. Eventually, she told him he couldn’t stay with us, and I haven’t seen him since. I don’t know if they are still in contact, but it wouldn’t surprise me because she has always been more of a women than a mother. In other words, she has consistently chosen to stay with her partner rather than listen to us, her children.
This was the case with another one of her exes, too. Even though my sister told her he was controlling—he would tell her how to dress and when/where she could go out—she didn’t listen. Therefore, I don’t expect her to change. I will just have to wait and see what happens until I can distance myself from her.
@energeticPrune260 I'm glad that at least for now the man is out of your family's life. And it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're strong enough to realize the characters of others and what you can't change. Since your home situation sounds like a source of stress, hopefully you have other areas of your life that bring you peace.
I wish I could say that I won't have to see him again, but I can't expect my mom to stick to her decision forever. That's why I'm trying to enjoy my peace while I can. I know that when he decides to come back and my mom accepts him again, I will feel stressed about the situation and angry with her for making decisions that involve me.
@energeticPrune260 I'm so sorry. All I can say, is that at least you have the current moment in which he is not involved. Don't let the stress steal this current moment from you (easier said than done, lol, I know). Just take it day by day.
I don't want to keep my hopes up like last time by considering the possibility that I might not see him again. To a certain degree, I want to believe that could be possible, and I even try to find reasons to think this. However, I try not to get my hopes up because I feel I need to be realistic. I have been in this situation for years, where he leaves and then comes back, without any change. I don't see my mom standing up for herself, saying she has had enough of this situation, or thinking that they can't work things out.
This is why I tell myself to "try to be a little positive and focus on the fact that you don't have to see him for now," especially because when he is around, I don't feel like myself. All this anger, frustration, and stress come out, and it ends up directed at my mother.
I don't understand why the focus is solely on her. But, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my mother allows him to return and tends to involve me in the situation. Additionally, her attitude, acting like he hasn't done anything wrong by saying, "he hasn't done anything to me," just because he hasn't hit her (unlike in the case of the other women) doesn't help either.
I wish I could say that I won't have to see him again, but I can't expect my mom to stick to her decision forever. That's why I'm trying to enjoy my peace while I can. I know that when he decides to come back and my mom accepts him again, I will feel stressed about the situation and angry with her for making decisions that involve me.
Hi I just thought I'd share a few resources here. On Youtube, you might want to check out
"*** Childhood Fairy", she responds to letters with similar stories, and gives solutions/advice. She's very pro-parents prioritizing the wellness of their kids over romantic relationships, so maybe write her an anonymous letter?
Then there's Mental Healness. He told a story in one of his videos about an on and off again relationship like this, he explains the dynamics behind these kinds of relationships and how sad the end result can be. It might be a wakeup call to your mom. Like the scared straight program lol. But yeah, give it a watch and I'd skip ahead to the 3 min mark tells the story of a woman who was on and off again with a man her whole lifetime. It's tragic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8tsmE0CU6c
Also recommend Susan Winter. She has a lot of short female empowerment videos. Hope this helps.
Thank you for providing the resources. I don't feel very comfortable with the idea of contacting someone I don't know, but I appreciate the suggestion. I will try to check their channels; however, I'm hesitant about watching the video that tells the story of a woman who was in an on-and-off relationship her whole life. This situation resonates with me because I had seen my mother going through something similar. So, the thought of watching it triggers me. Nevertheless, I'll see if it doesn't feel too familiar.
I wish there were a way to make my mother realize the situation she's in, but I don't think that's possible. Every time I try to talk to her about her relationship, she becomes defensive, ignores me, or gets angry. I understand why she reacts this way; I was in an on-and-off relationship with someone I believe was a narcissist, so I can relate to her attitude. It can be difficult to accept that we made a mistake in choosing our partner. Sometimes, this realization makes us question our ability to make good decisions about dating.
What I struggle to understand is her inability to reflect on her situation and make improvements. It feels like she's still a teenager who can't look back and consider how her decisions affect her present. As a result, she continues to make the same choices about who she dates, normalizes those choices, and expects her kids to do the same when it comes to the men we date.