I wish I could tell everybody that...

I wish I could tell everybody that I am not lontley and that I love myself.

I can't. I self loathe. Everyone important in my life leaves me at some point because I must drive them away. I am adopted, my mother didn't keep me (I know her now, please don't tell me it was socio economic, etc...). My adopted parents told me that I was not worth the money it cost to adopt me and that I am not worthy of my adopted surname. My ex-fiancee left me for my best friend. I broke my spine and spent a year in hospital post emergency surgery and my wife only visited me twice.... these are only some examples. Sadly there are others. I've had my heartbroken continually in my 41 years and I don't know if it will ever stop. I've tried. Boy have I tried.

I am so lonely. I am afraid to take on new things and new friends and interests. Those will leave me too, they always do. I don't love myself. And I have tried to. I don't see my worth.

I wish I could tell everyone I know I'm delusional. Give me some time and I'll realize that the waiter at TGI Fridays isn't actually putting risin on my straws. I'll realize no one is planting deadly spiders in my mattress. I'll figure out that the swarm of bees in my car isn't actually there. I might act out in the moment, sure... But eventually I'll realize I'm another one of the crazies. I don't need to be told

I suffer from anxiety because I feel as maybe they can give me some advice on how to get better. But like my mom says I'm a strong minded girl that hates talking about myself. But right now I'm a weak child that doesn't know anything.

I can't always empathize with them, and I'm trying so hard to support them, it's breaking me. I wish they can also ask me are you really okay? I wish I can tell them that I don't really do well as someone in the center of attention, that I have anxiety and I'm not perfect. I wish I could tell them how I lost myself and that I'm still looking and on the verge of giving up that I'll never find the me I liked in the past. I wish I could tell them, I wasn't always like this before, that I wasn't a nervous wreck and I wasn't always so negative.

I wish I could tell everyone how close to not ok I really am and they wouldnt freak out.

I wish I could tell more people that I'm transgender and not have it be such a big deal. I wish people could just accept it.

I wish I could tell my mom and my siblings that I'm worried that I might be getting addicted to my anxiety meds. I don't really know for sure but it's scary to think about and I'm not going to be able to see a psychiatrist until January. I don't even know if I want to tell a doctor about my concerns in case they reccommend I stop taking it. I feel ashamed to talk to people about it.

I'm not OK... and it is gradually getting worse day by day.

I'm superhuman.... And not be lying

But hey it can only happen in by dreams... for now!

I wish I could tell everyone how much I'm hurting... I wish I could tell everyone that I'm scared, but I'm still fighting for recovery. It may not look like it.. but I do want to get better.

I am madly in love with my girl best friend for almost ten years now.