im LITERALLY LOSING IT (a lil bit ranty sorry)

I HAVE THE FATTEST CRUSH ON MY BSF more often than not its the most horrific pain ive ever suffered but sometimes i get self indulgent (and delusional) and think about us together and its just,,, HFHDSKHF IM SO UPSETTT WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME

im demi but the lines of platonic and romantic are very blurred to me. as such i thought (until i caught feelings for my bsf) that id had crushes on close friends before. but feeling this now, i dont think those were crushes at all. those previous friendships were extremely toxic and ive come to realise i just wanted proper friendship very badly and misinterpreted it as romantic attraction. i can tell the very stark difference bc until now (until HER) i never dreamt of being someones WIFE lmao. i never daydreamed about making dinner for the others or looking after them when theyre sick. now its literally all i can think about. 

i never cried for the other "crushes", but for her im literally sobbing out of nowhere about how it's never gonna happen. its actually a horrifying feeling and i hate it!! if how im talking about this here doesnt give that impression, its bc ive spent the last few hours allowing myself the delusion of considering the possibility that she does or will like me back. but most of the time it really does just k!ll me a little bit.

she says things like 'i wish i had a crush' often and we were talking abt valentines day she said it would be so cool if someone secretly liked her and im just there like haha 🥲 as if i dont want to drink bleach on the spot

we're very very very close. to the point where we say i love you all the time. and lots of physical contact is very normal. and we would be perfectly fine sharing a bed and we want to live together in the future. and she has even kissed me on the forehead before (i nearly passed away in that instant omg). so yeah EXTREMELY close. and so sometimes i WONDERRR like HMMM MAYBE but at the same time,, just no??? i dont want to ruin what we have already. id rather have this eternal yearning than even the slightest discomfort in the air between us. besides we're so close as ive said that even if i made a move theres a fair chance itll just be lost as something perfectly normal for us. 

but, all that being said, i really dont think i could watch her get married. 

if you read all that, thank you. words of support mean a lot to me. and usually id confide this sort of thing in my best friend... but you see why that might be a problem here lol.

- mza