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mza24
1 1,351 M Little Steps 4
she/her
PathStep 18 Compassion hearts125 Forum posts31 Forum upvotes55 Current upvotes55 Age GroupTeen Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceDecember 26, 2024
Bio

hi! i'm mahera. im a teen and i love to watch movies, read/write, and dance. my favourite film is inception, i love the director and i want to study film, although i'm probably going to end up studying physics :') i find that interesting too though, and maybe i could use the knowledge to write a cool science fiction lol

i love stories, no matter what form theyre in, and as such im currently writing a fantasy novel! feel free to ask me about it- and if you have any writing of your own to share, i'd love to take a look and even help you out if you'd like :D 

personally, i struggle more with anxiety, sh, friendship problems and family problems. i also have audhd. im here for all of you <3


Recent forum posts
mza24 profile picture
i wanna talk but i also would rather drink bleach than talk lol
Self-Harm Recovery / by mza24
Last post
 January 26th
...See more urge to tell my friend that i have relapsed or want to relapse and get comfort is at war with my constant awareness of what a bother i am and how much shes going through and that she doesnt need this and i should shut up. always. just get over it. keep it in my head where it belongs. its nobody elses problem. 2 days clean and i think i'll last about another 2 minutes.
mza24 profile picture
random emo yapping 😭😭 idk
Friendship Support / by mza24
Last post
 January 21st
...See more im not sure how relevant this is to this community, but i often feel such a strong maternal instinct towards my best friend. especially since they've been through a lot too, i just want to protect them and look after them and it might border on weird honestly idk 😭 i just want to make them some food and tuck them in and to say comforting things to them with the tone you would use to talk to a little kid. maybe i just want to feel needed in a way a child needs their mother. i do constantly grapple with feeling unwanted and unimportant to them- not because of anything they've done, just to clarify, but out of my own sheer paranoia thanks to some really shite past friendships. but anyhow, this doesnt feel at all like it comes from a place of needing self assurance. i just love them to little pieces and want to be the best part of their life, like they are in mine, and i just want them to feel even a tiny piece of that bc i care so much it hurts sometimes and they deserve to actually have it benefit them.  anyway, this might be less strange if i wasnt repulsed by the idea of actually having kids. i really really dont want to be an actual mother, i can hardly stand small children in general, so why do i find myself wishing i could be that for my friends? and why cant i fulfil it, not even to a normal degree... i feel so useless at being emotional support for my bsf, all i can do is listen and maybe say something generic, and i hate it. i should offer some kind of comfort, no? i just get so scared of saying something wrong, or cliched, and then any words get stuck in my throat and i end up getting so upset that my friend sometimes ends up having to pause her own emotional breakdown to comfort me when it should literally be the complete opposite omds im so *** useless it actually kills me
mza24 profile picture
it doesnt even work anymore
Self-Harm Recovery / by mza24
Last post
 January 25th
...See more it doesn't hurt anymore, it doesn't bleed enough for me, i dont know. maybe its because i dont have a very good tool for it but it used to be good enough for me. now i just keep doing it worse and more often bc its stopped being satisfying. i genuinely dont feel a thing when i do it now. its leading me to look for different tools and that will be bad if i find one.
mza24 profile picture
done trying
ADHD Support / by mza24
Last post
 January 20th
...See more i have important exams very soon and a test tomorrow and i came home from school thinking i will be productive and reward myself tomorrow by not studying too long but turns out today my teacher marked an assignment i hadnt done and EMAILED MY PARENTS (didnt even speak to me first or acknowledge anything) and they are just shouting at me constantly saying everything is my fault and calling me stupid and lazy and the r slur and i dont have a single *** left to give honestly they claim that they can never be wrong so they should just be happy that im about to prove them right, i cant be *** asked anymore im not studying im not doing anything ever again they can just be satisfied that they've won and their daughter is a "lazy, r*****ed, disrespectful b*tch"
mza24 profile picture
im LITERALLY LOSING IT (a lil bit ranty sorry)
Friendship Support / by mza24
Last post
 January 9th
...See more I HAVE THE FATTEST CRUSH ON MY BSF more often than not its the most horrific pain ive ever suffered but sometimes i get self indulgent (and delusional) and think about us together and its just,,, HFHDSKHF IM SO UPSETTT WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME im demi but the lines of platonic and romantic are very blurred to me. as such i thought (until i caught feelings for my bsf) that id had crushes on close friends before. but feeling this now, i dont think those were crushes at all. those previous friendships were extremely toxic and ive come to realise i just wanted proper friendship very badly and misinterpreted it as romantic attraction. i can tell the very stark difference bc until now (until HER) i never dreamt of being someones WIFE lmao. i never daydreamed about making dinner for the others or looking after them when theyre sick. now its literally all i can think about.  i never cried for the other "crushes", but for her im literally sobbing out of nowhere about how it's never gonna happen. its actually a horrifying feeling and i hate it!! if how im talking about this here doesnt give that impression, its bc ive spent the last few hours allowing myself the delusion of considering the possibility that she does or will like me back. but most of the time it really does just k!ll me a little bit. she says things like 'i wish i had a crush' often and we were talking abt valentines day she said it would be so cool if someone secretly liked her and im just there like haha 🥲 as if i dont want to drink bleach on the spot we're very very very close. to the point where we say i love you all the time. and lots of physical contact is very normal. and we would be perfectly fine sharing a bed and we want to live together in the future. and she has even kissed me on the forehead before (i nearly passed away in that instant omg). so yeah EXTREMELY close. and so sometimes i WONDERRR like HMMM MAYBE but at the same time,, just no??? i dont want to ruin what we have already. id rather have this eternal yearning than even the slightest discomfort in the air between us. besides we're so close as ive said that even if i made a move theres a fair chance itll just be lost as something perfectly normal for us.  but, all that being said, i really dont think i could watch her get married.  if you read all that, thank you. words of support mean a lot to me. and usually id confide this sort of thing in my best friend... but you see why that might be a problem here lol. - mza
mza24 profile picture
in love with my best friend
Friendship Support / by mza24
Last post
 January 9th
...See more its eating me up inside. 
mza24 profile picture
why keep trying
Depression Support / by mza24
Last post
 January 1st
...See more i just got out of a really bad rut, like REALLY bad. and i thought things were looking up again. nope. got hit with that time of the month instantly. i have endometriosis, its agonising, i can barely think straight. my friend and i had plans for tonight, she seems to have forgotten. or actually, she probably hasnt. why would anyone want to hang out with me? im such a miserable presence. started eating comfort foods. im really hungry because in the past few days of feeling awful i didnt eat much at all. immediately my mom swoops in to shame me for how much im eating and what im eating, without a care that im in pain, and without a clue how bad ive been, since i cant tell her anything about my mental health as itll just make things worse. frustrated i just give her my food because i want her to shut up. she threatens my internet access for giving her attitude.  what was the point of forcing myself to get out of that horrible place i was in just yesterday, when clearly its where im meant to be? i just got thrust straight back into that headspace immediately, the universe wants me to feel like this. i might be past the point of trying to fix it again.
mza24 profile picture
i cant make new posts in here?
Friendship Support / by mza24
Last post
 December 28th, 2024
...See more ive been trying since yesterday to post something but it keeps giving me error 064 😭 trying this to see if posting something completely different works... i can still post on other parts of the site so idk wahts going on lol anyway if this does get posted you can ignore :) 
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