Friends...?

I am not very good at socializing due to autism and a certain anxiety level.

I was thinking about the word "friend" and I noticed this is a very hard and important one... You cannot call whoever a "friend", because he/she/they is someone who cares about you and your health, and viceversa... I may listen and deal in certain way with people's problems, but I don't know how to act to support - there's not any special feeling that borns in the inside of my heart about it. I just listen to them and I am quiet, yet somehow uncomfortable because I am not a psychologist and I am tired of being used such as one, to be later abandoned. Last time somebody talked to me about their problems I got sick and I told them the sad truth about their situation - just like a normal adult would do right? - and I made them cry.

I talk with some people but I cannot call them they're my friends just for the reason I mentioned earlier, so I see them as "mates". One of them even said that the main purpose of hanging out is "to distress and do something" and not to talk and know each other, which I completely disagree because I like to talk a lot when I feel confident with someone, just like my boyfriend. I don't know if calling my bf my best friend is the correct way, but I feel I can count on him and he will support me, no matter if he doesn't understand me, and viceversa.

But, at the end of every day, I feel alone in my heart. And it is a loneliness that somehow makes me happy, and why? Because I must be MY OWN friend. Nobody will like you if you don't like yourself!! I need to work on myself, do the things I love and seek for motivation "for me", and not "for the others". I am happy in the silence of my house with my pets while I listen to music and do the house chores, I even started a personal diary to express my deepest thoughts and confessions. I am my own friend and I only have myself.