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One Sided Friendship?

cloverisconfused December 28th, 2023

Hi! This is my first post here. I hope everyone who reads this is having a wonderful day, and if you're not I'm sending virtual hugs <3. I was just hoping to make a thread where I can vent a little about a friendship problem I'm having and maybe come back and update later. Advice/comments are welcome if you have them, but please be gentle :) 

Ok, here we go. First off, here's some background for context. I honestly only have a couple of friends who stayed in contact after high school. I commute a fair distance to my university every day, so although I've made some very casual friends there, it's been hard to foster anything more than that. My job is one that is mostly executed alone, but there are coworkers who I am friendly with. But really, it's just the three or so friends from high school that I feel close to. One of the main ones was a friend I'll call Alice for the purpose of this thread.

Alice and I have been friends for nearly 8 years now. For the most part, I really enjoy our friendship. We have similar interests that I don't share in common with almost anyone else, and we've got a lot of common history to bond over. She shares things with me about her life that (according to her) she doesn't share with anyone else besides her therapist. I'm so glad she feels safe enough around me to do that.

But the thing is that for a long time, especially these last couple of years, I've really been feeling like the friendship is one sided. She always vents to me, but there's only been a handful of times where she's given me a chance to vent to her. I'm almost always the one to initiate contact or to try to arrange time to spend together, or to remember birthdays and things like that. Because of that, I feel like an afterthought in her life. I was really lonely, and it felt like I wasn't getting any support or acknowledgement from her.

The final straw for me to fully realize why I wasn't happy was honestly really small. I sent Alice a text asking how she was, nothing else, and I didn't get a single response for almost a week. When she finally did text me, she completely ignored my previous text and just boasted about a small victory in her life. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for her. But I felt unimportant. And after she finished being excited over the thing in her life, she stopped texting. It feels petty to care about, but she didn't even ask how I was doing.

I was so tired. I spent senior year of high school feeling incredibly lonely but doing my best to cater to her needs at the time because she was going through a rough patch. Unfortunately that included leaving her alone to sit in the band room with a bunch of her other friends because hanging out with me and the rest of our friend group was "too exhausting". I didn't want to be selfish and petty, but I was and am still just tired of it all.

So, I figured I'd stop contacting her. I'd let her come to me so I could take off that mental weight. I told myself that if she wanted to talk to me, she would. But almost three weeks and I still hadn't heard from her at all. It's like she forgot about me. But with Christmas coming up, and the fact that I would honestly feel terrible if I ignored her on the holiday instead of sending at least a "Merry Christmas", I did just that. Early Christmas morning, I sent her a "Merry Christmas".... and nothing. So late that night, I gave in and I asked if she was okay since I still hadn't heard from her.

She did eventually get back to me with the excuse that she'd been "so distracted by family she forgot to even look at her messages". Honestly, I would get it. I don't blame her if that's honestly what it was. But this is a pretty regular thing, and I had seen her like things on social media during that time anyways, so I know she at least had access to her phone and the time to scroll. Just apparently not to respond to me after three weeks of nothing. 

But her response didn't do much for my resolve to let her come to me, and I kept the conversation going for a few texts (aka me asking how she was and how her Christmas was, her giving a vague "mostly good", me asking if she wanted to talk about it, her responding "eh it's all good", me saying something along the lines of "i hope it gets better", and then nothing). 

I've been chatting with listeners here and I finally mustered up the courage to decide that the next time we spend time together, I'm going to confront her about it. I'm going to tell her how I've been feeling, and I'm going to tell her that unless things change, she can't expect me to keep putting effort into this friendship. 

I've made the decision to do that, but I just feel so insecure about it. I'm worried I'm blowing all of this out of proportion. I'm sure that this entire post has been biased towards my side of things, so I'm worried that even if people who read this end up supporting me, it'll be wrong and it'll be my fault. I'm worried I'm just being a baby about this and what I really should do is man up and stop being weak. I'm worried it's all a skewed perception on my part because I honestly do have bad self-esteem. What if because I'm so anxious, I'm overthinking everything and in reality she's doing nothing wrong? Plus, this is a friendship. Is it normal to get so fired up over a friendship? Is there something wrong with me?

I just don't know what's right anymore. I feel stupid, weak, and clingy. I've made the decision to talk it out but since I can't actually see her until after the new year due to personal circumstances, I have to wait for a while. I'm fairly sure I'm going to chicken out in that time. 

That's partly why I'm making this thread. I hope there will be people who will take the time to read this long and exhausting post to tell me what they think is really going on, and to keep me motivated. If you've read this far, thank you. I'd very much appreciate if you could let me keep you updated, but I understand if you don't want to do that. Thanks again for listening to me rant, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

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cloverisconfused OP March 7th

@Adam10999

I'm glad you were able to relax for a little bit! Good luck with all your other homework - I'm rooting for you!

As for my date... it was fine. It started out really nice, and he was super sweet, bought me flowers, etc, etc. But at the end of the date he started saying some low-key racist things and the n-word multiple times (he's not black) so I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. That combined with the fact that I was kind of on the fence about whether I actually liked him or if I just liked being liked was enough for me to decide to break it off. We've only gone on two dates so I figured it would be a bit cleaner of a break than it is. I told him I just couldn't see us working out long term even though he's a good guy, and that it's not fair of me to waste his time, but he doesn't seem to want to let the conversation drop. I feel so bad because he keeps sending me videos and texts talking about how much he liked me and how disappointed he was and how I was the first girl he ever considered being serious with. I feel so guilty but at the same time I can't just lead him on. So hopefully that resolves soon lol. 

But anyways... I hope things are going well for you! Keep me updated - I enjoy hearing from you

4 replies
Adam10999 March 7th

@cloverisconfused

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're following your heart and mind though - that's definitely the way to go, and I think you made the right choice if that helps. I also think it's perfectly reasonable to give it a day or two, and if the messages/videos don't slow down or stop, it's perfectly reasonable to bring it up again to reinforce your portrayal of your feelings.

I really enjoy hearing from you! Was hoping to mess around with my friend's computer and get a new operating system installed and everything updated tomorrow, but she forgot to bring it with her to campus today - probably for the best since I do have a decent bit of homework to do tomorrow. If she brings it on Friday then I'll be able to play with that this weekend and have an excuse to maybe go hang out with her for the day next week during Spring break lol! I'll take any excuse I can get to spend time with my friends!

Keep me updated too - lovely hearing from you as always <3

4 replies
cloverisconfused OP March 8th

@Adam10999

Thank you! I know it was the right decision but you know how it is - you get caught in your head and question yourself even if the other choice was ridiculous lol. So thank you for saying that :)

Oh cool! That would be fun! I hope that works out, I think that would be really good. I'm glad you're able to see your irl friends - in-person connection is really important. 

I still haven't heard from my Alice. I said that a couple times ago but it's been more than a month now but... idk, I'm a little frustrated and hurt. Plus with the dating thing I think it reminded me how important my friends are and everything. Like everyone makes this big deal out of love and romance but platonic love is often tossed aside. And I guess it's a bit emotionally safer, in a way. Plus I don't think I'm ready for romance at this point in my life. I'm sure one day I'll be in a better place for it but I'm so emotionally exhausted most of the time that romance is just too much. So it's got me thinking about my friendships. Because of that I've been thinking about Alice a little bit more so I think that's part of why I'm feeling a little more sensitive to it the past few days. But I think I just need to focus on other things in my life and if she doesn't ever come to me... then she doesn't come to me. And that'll be okay in the end because obviously she didn't want to continue the friendship and to continue under those false pretenses wouldn't be good for either of us. 

It's lovely hearing from you too <3 talk to you later

4 replies
Adam10999 March 8th

@cloverisconfused

That's certainly a lot to think about, and a lot of thoughts on your mind. I agree that friendship connections can certainly be overlooked and/or undervalued, and I try my best to show love to the people I care about so that they don't have to question that very much or at all. I'm sorry you're feeling frustrate and hurt - as you've told me, it's perfectly normal and okay to feel that way since she hasn't reached out yet. I hope it works out for you both <3

Being emotionally exhausted too - it's more than okay to rest and let yourself rebuild and relax. My advice would be that it has been a month, so it might have just slipped her mind for the time being, or she's not sure how to word things, or she's scared. I think a follow-up at/near the 5-week point would be more than reasonable to see how she's feeling about it all, and if she maybe needs a bit more time to work things out on her end. Friendships are built on communication and comprehension - you can't listen if they don't talk, and there's no sense in talking if they aren't going to understand.

Best of luck with whatever you decide on, and I hope you are able to get some rest and relaxation <3

Adam10999 March 12th

@cloverisconfused

Hey friend! So I got my friend's computer up and running - and all fixed since it kept running into a couple issues. We hung out yesterday and just relaxed - we watched Kung Fu Panda, played a card game, ate good food, and then watched Master of Disguise. I also got the rest of my homework done this past weekend, so I officially have like 6 days completely free with nothing due, so I can actually relax and enjoy myself!!

I hope you're doing Fantastic!! Anything new going on with that guy? I hope everything worked out well with that! Talk soon friend <3

Adam10999 March 22nd

@cloverisconfused

First week back from Spring break is almost over... thankfully it's been a light week.

Other than that, not a whole lot's been going on lol... How have you been friend?

3 replies
cloverisconfused OP March 22nd

@Adam10999

Hi! I'm so sorry I've been MIA. These past few weeks have been crazy. I'm switching jobs and dropping a couple classes and re-planning my degree plus my mom wants to take in foster babies but since I live at home still there's a LOT of hoops to jump through to make sure I wouldn't be a threat as another adult in the house. Plus all the other life stuff lol... but anyways I'm happy to come on here and see messages from you! 

I'm glad everything seems to have been going well! I love Kung Fu Panda lol so I hope you had fun. I've never heard of Masters in Disguise though... sounds interesting! I'm glad you had a light week after spring break, coming back is always tough. How have you been since? How's school? How are things with your Alice?

thanks for being patient with me, friend <3

2 replies
Adam10999 March 22nd

@cloverisconfused

Of course! Always patient! And I'm super glad to hear that you've been taking the time to focus on irl stuff and work on that stress! I can't even imagine handling all of that, but I know you'll figure it all out!

That's so sweet that your mom wants to take care of kids, and you living at home is certainly something that has to be taken into consideration. I wish you the absolute BEST of luck with your classes and degree planning! I know it'll all work out fine since you're involved!

I finished watching the other Kung Fu Panda movies again and they were definitely an enjoyable refresher since it's been so long since I last watched them. Master of Disguise is a lot of dumb humor haha, interesting too for sure. The ease back into things has been nice, although a campus-hosted service went down recently and will be out for the rest of the semester, so that brings up complications in the classes that need it... we'll have to figure that out now lol.

I've been doing alright, ups and downs mood-wise like usual, but mostly have just been dumping countless hours into games for the past week or two. As for school, I have a meeting with my advisor next Friday to discuss the option of either getting a co-op or planning for another academic semester next Fall.

Things with my Alice have been dead silent. She ended up streaming a few days ago, for the first time in a few months, but even though I'm still a mod in her stream I decided I'm not ready to even be a part of that yet. Hearing her voice or even sometimes seeing her name on socials can still spike up my anxiety pretty bad. I've been doing a pretty good job of not checking the little things though, like what she's doing/listening to, or social posts/likes.

I think I've finally come to realize my own saying that, she lost someone who cared about her, but I lost someone who didn't care about me - I'm not the one who got the worse end of the situation, so I shouldn't put as much value to it as I have been.

SO lovely to hear from you though!! I hope you have a Wonderful night!! <3

1 reply
cloverisconfused OP March 23rd

@Adam10999

That definitely does sound interesting haha XD but I'm glad you had fun! I'm sorry about the campus-hosted service thing, that's got to be a huge pain. I hope it works out soon! 

Gotcha. That makes sense. Well, even though I know ups and downs are just part of life, I hope you have fewer and shorter downs :) And i hope you're having fun gaming! Good luck with the meeting with your advisor on Friday! 

I think that's a good decision. I'm really proud of you, it seems like you're doing a great job at remembering to focus on other things in your life even if it's hard. You're definitely right - you're not the one who drew the short end of the stick here. It still hurts though, I'm sure, so be kind to yourself <3

it's lovely to hear from you too! have a good day! 

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forcefulShip4663 March 24th

@cloverisconfused i have felt the same way with friend ships going on in my life I have had very few friends for as long as I can remember and during COVID I had no friends at all except family and I only have 2 or 3 friends I'm close to right now I have a really low self-esteem and I'm working on it and I was really toxic and guilt tripping to my ex boyfriend especially after I lost by best fried (my grandparents dog I was extremely close to) and my great grandmother my ex is giving me a second chance and letting me change I had a friend last year and she was really fake she never cared about what I was going through and I became friends with a autistic kid who became my best fried and I distanced myself from her because she didn't like him and one day he asked for her to move so that he could sit beside me and she said ew no so I snapped and stopped out friendship everything will work out everything always does.

2 replies
cloverisconfused OP March 25th

@forcefulShip4663

Wow, that sounds like a lot. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. I'm glad everything worked out though! Thank you for the kind words :) 

1 reply
forcefulShip4663 March 25th

@cloverisconfused,

of course! thank you!

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