One Sided Friendship?
Hi! This is my first post here. I hope everyone who reads this is having a wonderful day, and if you're not I'm sending virtual hugs <3. I was just hoping to make a thread where I can vent a little about a friendship problem I'm having and maybe come back and update later. Advice/comments are welcome if you have them, but please be gentle :)
Ok, here we go. First off, here's some background for context. I honestly only have a couple of friends who stayed in contact after high school. I commute a fair distance to my university every day, so although I've made some very casual friends there, it's been hard to foster anything more than that. My job is one that is mostly executed alone, but there are coworkers who I am friendly with. But really, it's just the three or so friends from high school that I feel close to. One of the main ones was a friend I'll call Alice for the purpose of this thread.
Alice and I have been friends for nearly 8 years now. For the most part, I really enjoy our friendship. We have similar interests that I don't share in common with almost anyone else, and we've got a lot of common history to bond over. She shares things with me about her life that (according to her) she doesn't share with anyone else besides her therapist. I'm so glad she feels safe enough around me to do that.
But the thing is that for a long time, especially these last couple of years, I've really been feeling like the friendship is one sided. She always vents to me, but there's only been a handful of times where she's given me a chance to vent to her. I'm almost always the one to initiate contact or to try to arrange time to spend together, or to remember birthdays and things like that. Because of that, I feel like an afterthought in her life. I was really lonely, and it felt like I wasn't getting any support or acknowledgement from her.
The final straw for me to fully realize why I wasn't happy was honestly really small. I sent Alice a text asking how she was, nothing else, and I didn't get a single response for almost a week. When she finally did text me, she completely ignored my previous text and just boasted about a small victory in her life. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for her. But I felt unimportant. And after she finished being excited over the thing in her life, she stopped texting. It feels petty to care about, but she didn't even ask how I was doing.
I was so tired. I spent senior year of high school feeling incredibly lonely but doing my best to cater to her needs at the time because she was going through a rough patch. Unfortunately that included leaving her alone to sit in the band room with a bunch of her other friends because hanging out with me and the rest of our friend group was "too exhausting". I didn't want to be selfish and petty, but I was and am still just tired of it all.
So, I figured I'd stop contacting her. I'd let her come to me so I could take off that mental weight. I told myself that if she wanted to talk to me, she would. But almost three weeks and I still hadn't heard from her at all. It's like she forgot about me. But with Christmas coming up, and the fact that I would honestly feel terrible if I ignored her on the holiday instead of sending at least a "Merry Christmas", I did just that. Early Christmas morning, I sent her a "Merry Christmas".... and nothing. So late that night, I gave in and I asked if she was okay since I still hadn't heard from her.
She did eventually get back to me with the excuse that she'd been "so distracted by family she forgot to even look at her messages". Honestly, I would get it. I don't blame her if that's honestly what it was. But this is a pretty regular thing, and I had seen her like things on social media during that time anyways, so I know she at least had access to her phone and the time to scroll. Just apparently not to respond to me after three weeks of nothing.
But her response didn't do much for my resolve to let her come to me, and I kept the conversation going for a few texts (aka me asking how she was and how her Christmas was, her giving a vague "mostly good", me asking if she wanted to talk about it, her responding "eh it's all good", me saying something along the lines of "i hope it gets better", and then nothing).
I've been chatting with listeners here and I finally mustered up the courage to decide that the next time we spend time together, I'm going to confront her about it. I'm going to tell her how I've been feeling, and I'm going to tell her that unless things change, she can't expect me to keep putting effort into this friendship.
I've made the decision to do that, but I just feel so insecure about it. I'm worried I'm blowing all of this out of proportion. I'm sure that this entire post has been biased towards my side of things, so I'm worried that even if people who read this end up supporting me, it'll be wrong and it'll be my fault. I'm worried I'm just being a baby about this and what I really should do is man up and stop being weak. I'm worried it's all a skewed perception on my part because I honestly do have bad self-esteem. What if because I'm so anxious, I'm overthinking everything and in reality she's doing nothing wrong? Plus, this is a friendship. Is it normal to get so fired up over a friendship? Is there something wrong with me?
I just don't know what's right anymore. I feel stupid, weak, and clingy. I've made the decision to talk it out but since I can't actually see her until after the new year due to personal circumstances, I have to wait for a while. I'm fairly sure I'm going to chicken out in that time.
That's partly why I'm making this thread. I hope there will be people who will take the time to read this long and exhausting post to tell me what they think is really going on, and to keep me motivated. If you've read this far, thank you. I'd very much appreciate if you could let me keep you updated, but I understand if you don't want to do that. Thanks again for listening to me rant, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3
@cloverisconfused
I'm super glad you two were able to talk and come to a conclusion! I hope everything goes well for the both of you! How are you feeling about the conclusion you two came to? Was there anything about your conversation that might help me when I get around to mine?
You're super sweet and wonderful!! <3 Talk to you soon!
@Adam10999
Me too! It really has been such a weight off my shoulders, even if I do miss her in the meantime. You know, I'm not sure. I think definitely keeping things solution-oriented is really helpful. Just make sure to ask questions to try to come to an understanding, and remember to validate her side of things. It doesn't mean she was right or didn't hurt your feelings at all, but just telling her that you understand where she's coming from is really helpful in keeping things peaceful. In the same vein, realize that in the case that something you did made her uncomfortable, it's okay to explain your thought process behind that something as long as you make sure she knows you're aware it wasn't right. Does that make sense? I'm confusing myself lol.
I think the only thing I would have changed about my conversation is to bring up a couple more things I had concerns/questions about. For example, I've mentioned before that I'm a pretty physically affectionate person. I've always tried to keep it minimal for my Alice because I could tell she wasn't huge on touch, and when I did touch her I always asked for consent. Of course, that didn't work out, because apparently she could never bring up the courage to tell me no, so I've told her I'll try to give her her space. I just know that without any physical touch in my interpersonal relationships I tend to feel a little lonely and unwanted, so I was going to ask her what touch she was comfortable with and what I could expect from now on. Like instead of hugs when we say goodbye, I could hold her hand while we hang out or something. I just wanted to brainstorm a compromise that would keep her comfortable but also wouldn't leave me feeling lonely, but I got caught up in other things and forgot. Just try to remember stuff like that - if you want to her to feel safe and comfortable in the friendship, it's not crazy to expect her to want the same for you.
That's all I could think of right now but if something else occurs to me I'll let you know! You're wonderful, and I hope that conversation goes well for you. Until next time!!
@cloverisconfused
I think all of that makes perfect sense! Thank You so much!! <3
I made a list of things I want to acknowledge, the changes I want for our friendship, things I would like (what I'm okay with and what I'm not - boundaries), and some stuff I would like clarification on. I'm going to work on how I want to ask her to talk, tomorrow, and then I would like to run it by you before I send it - so I can make sure the wording is right and I don't send the wrong tone. Friendships are definitely two-way and it's important for both people to communicate their needs and wants, and respect the other person's as well.
You've already been such a big help, I really appreciate you!! <3 Hopefully I'll get that stuff done and talk to you tomorrow!
@cloverisconfused
I can understand dear.. I too had one sided friendship. I never realised it till one bad incident happened, where it was clearly saying frienship was one sided... it was really heartbreaking. I lost precious, strong frienship of 5 years. It feels bad when people take you for granted..
After that eventually I moved on. I accepted it
@cloverisconfused
Hey, that is completely okay! I'm glad you prioritized family and took care of that - responding to me isn't nearly as important, so please don't feel bad <3 I would have wanted you to focus on family anyways, so I'm proud of you for doing so!
Thank You! I think I've just been wanting your reassurance before going forward with it, since I really value your opinion and thoughts.
I don't think you're a hypocrite at all! There's a big difference between being busy and taking care of important things, and being unreliable - and you most certainly have not been unreliable!! I really appreciate your kind words and all the advice and support you've given me too <3 You've been such a huge help in getting me through my difficult times! I appreciate you so much! <3 Thank You!
@Adam10999
Thank you :) The same goes for you!
I'm glad I've been of help! Good luck! Let me know how it goes :D
That's good 😅 You've been such a huge help too - I don't think I would have gotten to where I have with my Alice if not for your support, so I'm incredibly grateful. Again, good luck! I hope it goes well!!
@cloverisconfused
After about 9 hours of trying to work up the courage, and overcome the severe anxiety I have from even thinking about sending her the message, I came back here to get inspiration and support from your messages - I'm sending it right now! Thank You and I'll keep you posted on how it goes!
@Adam10999
Great job! I know sending that must be hard. If it helps at all, I have no regrets about starting the conversation with my Alice. Although I'm not super happy about the actions of us both in the past, I was able to start us down a path that will lead to a better place for our friendship. It's really hard putting yourself out there, and it's going to be uncomfortable, but I know it's going to turn out okay! I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work!
@cloverisconfused
Thought I'd update you - no reply yet. I have seen her on *** a lot playing games with other people, but it's not for me to speculate anything - it's up to her to respond now if she wants to.
How are you doing? Eating well and staying hydrated I hope <3
I realized it *'d it out, but I said "d.i.s.c.o.r.d"
@Adam10999
I'm sorry to hear that - that has to be frustrating. I'm glad you're able to realize it's in her hands now, though! But if you still haven't heard from her in a little while, I don't think it's unreasonable to send her a little reminder. She's allowed to say no to your request, but she should respect you enough to at least tell you that. You deserve to be treated with respect, don't forget that!
I'm doing okay! Things with my Alice have calmed down quite a bit - I miss her, but at least I know where everybody stands now and I can look forward to hearing from her in a few weeks. My major thing right now is completely unrelated - I have a sound processing disorder called misophonia (you can read about it here if you want: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/misophonia-sounds-really-make-crazy-2017042111534 ) where essentially certain everyday sounds like chewing or breathing push the panic button in my brain. I've recently developed a few more triggers that are really hard to avoid. I can't even listen to my little brother's laugh now without my first response being anger. So I'll figure out how to live with it eventually, like I have with all my other triggers, but in the meantime it's really hard. But other than that things are good! School's going well and I might be changing jobs soon so I'm excited for that. How about you? Other than your Alice stuff, how have you been?
@cloverisconfused I feel you. I think the real question here is this would place you in a vulnerable position and she could come up with any reasons for whenever she doesn’t initiate things with you, would you still believe her? I think in your story, what matters the most is her actions and there’s no right or wrong way to feel things here, even feeling unreciprocated. You can communicate with her about this but her actions also aligning with words and reciprocation is a key to a healthy relationship. If for a bit some more time, things don’t work out, probably it’s time to move on
@enchantingDaisy7570
You're totally right. I recently had a conversation with her about all of this, and for the most part it helped smooth things over. But I think there's always going to be a little part of me that believes she hates me deep down, and I'm just a giant annoyance to be put up with - but I think that's mostly my self-esteem issue that I have to work through. She's not responsible for the way I feel about myself, you know? But while we were talking she did bring up some issues she had with me. They were almost all things I had checked to make sure were okay with her before doing - like hugs or swearing in front of her. I had done the work to ask and make sure it was okay, so it's disheartening and embarrassing to hear I was lied to and I was making her uncomfortable. I think that's always going to be a part of my doubt, unfortunately. But, life goes on. She said we should take a break for about a month, during which she'll work on saying no and being more honest about what she's feeling. If I want to keep this friendship, all I can do is trust her for now.
@cloverisconfused well I’m glad to hear that you two had already had conversations and you also understand that there’s something about both of you that you and her need to work on to make this friendship better
I also see what you mean. It’s hard to believe someone for 100% like you used to cuz she did lie as well and giving each other the second chance is the only option to make this last.
Hopefully things would work out eventually between you and her ❤️
@cloverisconfused
Thank you for your kind words, I'll try to remember that.
I'm sorry you miss your Alice too, and I'm really sorry about your disorder - I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must be to go through and deal with. It was an informative read too, so I appreciate that. I'm glad school is going well, and I wish you the best of luck with getting your new job too!
I've been alright I guess - it seems like one stressful assignment after the next with no time or motivation to actually search for a job. I just do homework and then play video games to destress, but then more assignments come due and give me more stress to get rid of. I just feel exhausted, but that everyone around me is dealing with so much more - so I guess I kind of invalidate my feelings, and then telling anyone seems like I'm trying to make things about me and the cycle repeats. I also miss my friends because we don't do anything anymore and it just sucks.
Thanks for checking in on me, I appreciate you <3
@Adam10999
Thank you <3 I really appreciate hearing that :)
I'm sorry, that does sound stressful. It may not seem like it, but you do have a lot on your hands. School just by itself can be really overwhelming, so I can definitely see why you feel exhausted and maybe a bit burnt out. And I'm sorry you're missing your friends. That really is a sucky place to be. I'm also sorry you struggle with invalidating your own feelings. That's something I also do a lot of the time. It just seems like there's so many people that have it worse in one way or another, and it can feel selfish to feel bad anyways, right? The song "World's Smallest Violin" by AJR comes to mind lol 😂 They say not to compare yourself to others a lot when talking about being jealous or feeling inferior, but no one talks about it in terms of feeling like you haven't had "enough" bad things happen to you. It's important to be grateful, that's for sure, but we ALL have our struggles. It's okay to struggle with your struggles, even if they feel like they "should" be nothing. I'm sorry you're feeling that way - it's rough.
I hope you can see your friends sometime soon, and that things start feeling a little less overwhelming. As always, I'm rooting for you! Until next time, my friend :)
@cloverisconfused
I'm glad to hear at least one of us is rooting for me... I've spent the past 12 hours struggling on a Java coding assignment that I just don't understand at all, which makes me feel really frustrated all in itself. And if that wasn't enough, I just noticed that I no longer have the high role in Alice's server anymore - I'm still showing as her twitch mod, but she probably just hasn't gotten around to removing that yet, same with getting back to me if she even decides she's going to.
Wishing you all the best!
@Adam10999
I'm sorry to hear that. That assignment sounds incredibly frustrating, and the server thing has to hurt. It's been quite a while since you've sent that text - if I were you I think I would be really angry and sad. It's not cool of her at all to ignore your text like that, especially when you were being so vulnerable. I'm really sorry she's being so disrespectful. I know you probably already know this,, but I know it can help to have a third party remind you that it's okay to send a reminder text, or even another text saying you're hurt by the lack of response. At this point she definitely should have gotten back to you in one way or another, even if it's to ask for time to think or something.
You too! I'm sorry you've got so much going on. Like always, keep me updated :) Bye!
@cloverisconfused
Hey, I've had a pretty rough week. The weekend was more relaxed with just working on some homework and playing video games. I contacted the dean and have a meeting with him in under 3 hours to discuss the structure of the course, so hopefully that'll be a productive conversation. The server thing definitely hurts along with her continuing to not reply - I've decided that if she doesn't respond, then she clearly doesn't value me and that'll be that.
I wanted to get a job this semester too, but with the stress of my classes and my Alice situation and playing video games enough to de-stress, I don't have any time to get a job - which just makes me feel sad that I'm not keeping my promise to myself to get a job. With my streamer friend, she said she's hesitant on accepting compliments and I don't want to make her uncomfortable in any way, so I'm basically backing out on my word there too, which makes me kind of sad too.
That's about all that's new with me...
I hope you're doing well, talk soon!
@Adam10999
I'm sorry you've had such a rough week. It sounds like you've had a lot going on. I hope that conversation about the structure of the course goes well! I'm sure it'll turn out okay. And yeah, the thing about your Alice makes sense. It's clearly a sign that something is wrong on her side, and I think it makes total sense to stop investing your emotional energy and time. Even if it's the right thing it definitely does hurt, and I'm sorry. I wish it had turned out differently. Try to remember it's a reflection of her, not you. You didn't do anything wrong, and even if you did you were willing to work things out and that's what matters. I hope you remember you are amazing and worthy of someone who really cares about you.
That's always disappointing when you don't live up to your own expectations like that. If it helps at all, I can tell you've got a lot on your hands and it makes sense why a job might not be the right decision right now. You know your limits and that's admirable. And I'm sorry about your streamer friend. Again, that's nothing you did wrong. You're just trying to make her comfortable, so don't worry about backing out on your word there. That has to be disappointing though, and I'm sorry.
I've been doing okay. I finally started therapy after years of procrastination and a bit of denial, which I think will be good. It was a bit embarrassing though as I had to explain to the therapist (and the student therapist who was sitting in) what misophonia was because neither of them knew somehow?? But it seemed like they were taking me seriously for the most part, and they said that even if they can't help with the misophonia they can at least help me become less anxious, which I think is still a win lol.
I still haven't heard from my Alice. It hasn't been a month yet so I'm not too worried but if I'm honest I am getting pretty antsy. But even if she contacted me tomorrow I wouldn't have time to see her anyways so I guess it's for the best. School's been okay for the most part. I'm taking a chemistry class right now, and it is the subject I am the worst at. I'm currently failing even though I've been trying every study method I've ever heard of, so I'm trying to find a tutor that is either free or affordable. It's frustrating, especially since it's an intro to chemistry course so it "should" be easy but there's not much I can do except to keep trying, so I'm doing my best not to worry about it. But all of my other classes have been going smoothly, so I'm not worried about midterms for those classes.
There's not much else going on, honestly. Just school and work and family and sleep and school and work and family and sleep and that's about it.
Again, I'm sorry you've had such a tough week. I know there's not much I can do because I'm just a random person on the internet, but if you think of anything that can help let me know. I hope things start looking up for you. Talk to you next time!
@cloverisconfused
usually i never comment on posts but this really struck a chord with me. trust your intuition! you're not clingy or weak. i think you're really cool for standing up for yourself. you deserve someone who cherishes you and a friendship that builds up both people. don't doubt yourself!!! i may be a random internet stranger, but im rooting for you!!!! lots of love <3
p.s if you need a friend or just someone to talk to I'D BE MORE THAN GLAD.
@cloverisconfused
Thank you, I'm feeling a bit better after reading your response. The meeting went okay I guess, I'm definitely not the first one to have complaints about the course structure, but we discussed it for about an hour and I offered up a couple ideas for improvements - not much else to be done besides putting aside my social anxiety and going to the tutoring center if/when I get stuck on something (which I'm going to check out on Friday). I'll try to remember that I'm worthy of someone caring, thank you <3
You have a nice way of wording things, and I appreciate your reassurance on the job and friend situations.
I'm so proud of you for taking that leap into therapy! Like your article said, not a lot of people know about misphonia, even if they probably should. I'm glad they were taking you seriously though and are willing to help no matter what.
I'm sorry you're getting antsy about reconnecting again with your Alice, but I am glad that I think it's been almost a month, so not too much longer. Failing's not good - I've taken an intro chemistry class before, and I'd be more than happy to try helping if I can - maybe there's a tutoring center at your school too, or even a chemistry club or something that might offer some sort of free services. Let me know what you have though, and I'll see if it's something I might be able to help you with <3 Glad your other classes are going well though!
Mine's more of just school and sleep, on top of the unmentioned stresses of everything including our friendships. Thank you again for your support, I really appreciate you - and at this point I consider you to be more than just a random person, you're a friend; and a darn good one at that <3
Hopefully making up some time and catching up on my assignments will help things get better for me, and you're a big help for sure! Talk soon friend!
@Adam10999
Well, I'm glad the meeting wasn't a disaster lol. Hopefully those changes work for you!
Thank you! It's definitely going to be an uphill battle to stop feeling like I shouldn't be there and to trust that they're professionals and they know what they're doing lol.
You're so nice! I might take you up on that sometime. I've been looking for tutors and clubs on campus for a while now but somehow almost all of them are during other classes of mine lol. I did get an email today from the resources office and it looks like they might have a couple of zoom openings that would work with my schedule. And it would be free, so that's good all around I think lol.
Aw thank you <3 You too - thank you for being my friend. As always, I am sending good things your way! I'll talk to you later
@cloverisconfused
Only 4 hours on this Java assignment, and I discovered that I wasn't running my monitor at it's fastest refresh rate - so things are looking up for school, and I'll be able to have a smoother image when playing video games better to now!
ALICE UPDATE:
Also, my Alice replied about 3 hours ago (just under 12 days) and I just now looked at it...
For easy reference, this is what I sent to her "Hey Alice, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection since we last spoke, and I genuinely value our friendship and have realized the importance of respecting your need for space. I'd love to have an open conversation about our feelings, expectations, and how we can make our friendship be the best for both of us. If you're comfortable could we set aside some time, this weekend maybe, to talk and work through this together?"
Her response said to not stress and she doesn't think we need to have a conversation like that; that we are just friends and not in a relationship, so there aren't any expectations.
I genuinely have no idea what to think about that... maybe I should have mentioned something about being unclear on some things, but it really seems like she's dismissing my feelings of stress and concern; and correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't "friends" supposed to have communication more frequent than this?
I'm going to give myself at least 24 hours to process her response and construct a proper comprehensive reply. I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to be petty and wait 12 days before responding, or just end the friendship - but I also don't want to stray from how I want to treat others, and she still holds a piece of my heart.
However, I think I would like to express that I would like clarification on why I specifically was asked not to talk to certain people, why she didn't just tell me she was going through something and needed time if we were close friends, and why she removed my role because it really hurt my feelings. I also want to show that I paid attention to the little things, when she mentioned to others that she wanted to hang with someone and play some games she hasn't in a while - by expressing that I would also like to start playing several games again, and that I would really like to start playing them again with her.
I really am not sure though, because I mainly just feel invalidated by her response, and I'm honestly not even sure if I want to continue our friendship since we've already spent so much time apart without communication. I just don't know what I want to do.
Hoping you could provide some of your infamous wisdom on this evolution to my situation <3
@Adam10999
That's great! I'm glad you found a solution to your java assignment - that's got to be such a relief!
Well, first off, I think you're right - that does sound dismissive. Sure, a friendship isn't a romantic relationship, but it is a relationship nonetheless. It's totally reasonable for you to expect a friend to take your concerns seriously. Of course there are expectations in a friendship - maybe not as specific/explicit or anything as a romantic relationship, but there are expectations in ANY relationship. For example, I expect that my friends treat me with respect and that they'll do what they can to be there for me if I need it. That's entirely reasonable.
I don't think you did anything wrong. All you want is to spend time with and be respected by your friend, and you're trying to have an open conversation about that. Her refusal is all on her here. I don't know why she's being so dismissive. I'm sorry that she's made you feel invalidated - that's not your fault.
I think it's up to you on whether or not you want to continue the friendship. It comes down to whether you want to invest more emotional energy until it gets resolved - which maybe it won't, but maybe it will - or if you want to cut it off here and find new friends to put your time and energy into. The important thing is to be able to look back and not regret what you chose, regardless of how it turns out. If you do want to keep trying, be honest with her and tell her that response made you feel dismissed. I don't think it's a bad idea to reiterate that all you want is to figure out how to balance both of your investments in the friendship so everyone is happy, and remind her gently that all relationships have expectations of some sort. You deserve to be heard and respected. If she doesn't want to work it out or keeps dismissing your feelings then that's her problem. I think that's when you draw the line - you've tried enough, she can't get mad if you stop trying at all. As for the timeframe of your response, I don't blame you at all for being tempted to leave it for a while lol - but don't let yourself do that! Get back to her when you have a good response, but don't leave her hanging like she did to you.
This is silly, but my family has a bit of an inside joke. My mom's fiance has this theory that if he could strap someone who was doing something wrong or had a faulty belief to a chair, then with enough time and effort, eventually he could convince them they were wrong and get them to admit it. We just refer to it as "the chair" lol. But I don't think that would work. People believe what they believe and are what they are, good and bad. They can change if they really want to, but no outside force is going to change them unless they truly want it. The way I see it, if your friend doesn't respect you even after you've done your best to work things out, then unfortunately she simply isn't going to.
I'm sorry she's being so dismissive. That's so frustrating and hurtful, and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. As always, please take my advice with a grain of salt. This is just my opinion, everyone is wrong sometimes. I just hope you can do what's best for you, whatever that is. Good luck going forward with this! I'll keep an eye out for updates. <3 bye for now
@cloverisconfused
No word back from my therapist yet, another friend said that if she doesn't even want to try and fix what happened then it's not worth trying to fix it one-sidedly. I think I'll aim to send a reply by tomorrow evening at the latest.
I don't want to just end things, because that's not going to make me feel better at all besides maybe after quite some time. Fixing things would give me some relief and 'closure' so to speak, and I also wouldn't have to let go of someone I care about.
I mean I could ask is she would be okay with listening to everything I wanted to talk about, and then giving her response and feedback - but that seems more like a one-sided conversation with really only my input being brought up, and it wouldn't be very healthy.
Just wanted to keep you updated, talk soon
@Adam10999
That makes sense. Closure is a big deal, so that's a good idea to try and get it before just letting things go. I'm glad you seem to know what you want!
That's true - but any conversation is better than no conversation, I guess. I think if you started out with that it would be easier to segue into a real conversation, but even if you can't, at least you're telling her what you feel and getting her feedback, which is better than nothing.
Sounds good :) I'll keep an eye out for more updates. Good luck
@cloverisconfused
I'm thinking this might be an okay reply to her message, but would very much like to hear your thoughts as I still am not thinking quite clearly.
"Telling me not to stress makes me stress even more, because we clearly have different perspectives on our situation. And not as much as romantic relationships, but I feel like friendships include expectations like mutual respect and support for one another. I feel like your reply mostly just invalidated my feelings because I understood it as "what I'm feeling isn't what the situation is, so it's not of concern" and that really hurts.
It's my understanding that you want to just put what happened behind us and that you are okay with where our friendship sits right now - and I definitely can't relive what happened, and will never do that again with anyone, but I also am not okay with how things are between us right now. I feel like we used to be so close and such good friends, but now we're so far apart I'm not sure we're even friends anymore. I wish it were just a matter of you saying that we are friends and all is well, but there are still things unrelated to what happened that I am confused about and would like clarification on. Such as some things you asked of me but not of others, as well as clarifying anything you may have concerns about, along with the things I've done and the ways I've acted poorly.
I would really prefer if we both talked and listened to what is bothering one another - but if you are genuinely okay with how things are, I wonder if you would be okay with me expressing my uncertainties and listening to your perspective respectfully. I think that some sort of communication and comprehension is needed for me to feel comfortable in our friendship - I would much rather have you in my life than not."
I can never say this enough, but thank you for being such a great friend to me. I appreciate you so much <3
@Adam10999
Hey! I think overall this is a really good response. You're honest about your feelings and take responsibility for your part in everything while trying to work things out in a way that makes sure you are both comfortable.
If I'm being honest, I think you could send it as is right now and it would be totally reasonable. That said - I think one thing, if anything, that I would would change is to keep the language focused on you, not her. For example, your first sentence, while good and I think totally appropriate for the situation, might come across slightly better if you changed it to "hearing that I shouldn't stress makes me feel even more stressed". "Hearing" is more focused on your experience rather than "telling" which is more focused on her actions. In the same vein, maybe "I feel like your reply mostly just invalidated my feelings because I understood it as "what I'm feeling isn't what the situation is, so it's not of concern" and that really hurts." might come across as less confrontational to her (who seems a little bit sensitive) if it was phrased more like "I'm feeling hurt and invalidated because I understood the reply to my first text as "what I'm feeling isn't what the situation is, so it's not of concern"." Again, I think it just helps it seem a little more focused on your experience, and not her actions, and your experience is what's important here. She can easily give excuses for her actions, but she cannot deny how you experienced it.
These are honestly really minor things, and I might be overanalyzing because as you've been able to tell from our interactions, I am one to overthink haha. These are just tiny things that I think I would change if I was in your shoes - but I am not you, and what I would do won't always work for you because we're different people.
Whatever you do, keep me updated! I hope it goes better this time and that she's willing to work things out :)
@cloverisconfused
I definitely don't want anything to feel like I'm attacking her, so thank you for helping with the wording!
My therapist just got back to me too. She said that everyone is different when it comes to relationships - where I might want to show them care, they might feel uncomfortable if they aren't used to people in their lives who express affection in that way. She said that I shouldn't overthink it too much and definitely not blame myself for doing anything wrong. That people who haven't been shown a lot of care in their lives generally don't handle expressions of care well as adults, and they sometimes just don't know what to do with it - they just know it makes them uncomfortable, which is probably upsetting since they understand that it's supposed to be a good thing when someone cares for you, but it feels bad for them and makes them think there's something wrong with them. She suggested just to give her space and let her come to me when she's ready.
I must admit that it does kind of feel like I'm reading into this too much - that could be me just invalidating my own feelings again, or being a 'push-over' though - but that if I respond with anything remotely close to what I had planned, Alice would consider it 'overthinking' the situation and take it as me not respecting her wishes or validating what she feels is an okay friendship.
I do think that writing up a potential message and getting my feelings 'down on paper' helped me get out my emotions and feel significantly less stressed about the situation. However, I'm back to not knowing what I want to do or how I should proceed. I just know that I want to be as respectful as I can, and now I'm not sure if sending any message is doing that...
Your thoughts?
@Adam10999
I think what your therapist definitely makes sense, but at the same time it doesn't exactly give you a solution, and that must be frustrating. And overthinking is the frickin devil's work lol 😅Don't you wish you could have someone to just tell you what's true all the time so you don't have to worry? The things I would give..... But seriously, that does suck, and I'm sorry.
I'm gonna be totally honest - I'm not sure what the next step is at all. I think your therapist knows more than me though, so if she thinks it's worth waiting out for a while, then I think I would do that. I don't think her right to being comfortable necessarily cancels out your right to advocate for yourself though. It's a tough situation. I have no idea what to do here, so I hesitate to give any advice from that perspective because it's almost guaranteed to be faulty. That said, here are my thoughts: I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist to figure out what you should do next and everything, and it might be a good idea to more seriously consider dropping the emotional investment you have in the friendship. If eventually she opens up more and it seems like a good idea to focus on that friendship more, then great! But if not... her hesitance to open up isn't your fault or your responsibility, and if it's going to hinder your friendship, then I would focus on my other friendships so at least you can feel less impacted by her actions.
I don't know. I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's really tough when it sounds like it's totally out of your hands. I really really hope she starts opening up to you more and accepting your care.
bye for now!
@cloverisconfused
I agree, not really a solution but maybe a perspective and the information to help me make my own. I still have the 'potential message' saved in case her and I ever do 'reconnect' and want to go over anything - but I'm going to take both of your advice and just leave things how they are, until it eventually fades enough where she forgets about me and then it's whatever.
I agree too, it would be so nice to either know what's true all the time, or if everyone was just honest. At least when it comes to me knowing what's true all of the time with no hesitation, I get that from you, my therapist, and a couple other friends. And ideally yeah, I'd like to be able to see her online, playing a game, or hearing her voice in a stream without getting a panic attack.
I appreciate all your kind words as always, and of course all your help with this is greatly appreciated <3
@Adam10999
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you're probably doing the right thing, but I'm sure it doesn't change how it must hurt. I hope the next person you invest yourself in is more open to your friendship :)
Thank you :) I'm grateful to have had you as a friend!! Until next time :)
@cloverisconfused
Really didn't think to have an update this soon, but here we are...
So we both are on this site/app called "T e l l o n y m", where people can anonymously ask you questions that you then answer publicly. She got one asking "Anything annoying you?" and responded similarly to "if you aren't family or a significant other, I'm not having a serious conversation about your feelings when you messed up big time, I'm not here to pity you."
I know for sure that's directed at me from her telling me that she'd only send gm/gn messages if we were family or dating, and especially with the 'serious conversation' part. I feel like she somehow misinterpreted "I'd love to have an open conversation about our feelings, expectations, and how we can make our friendship be the best for both of us. ...to talk and work through this together" as me seeking validation or sympathy for my feelings.
She didn't outright direct it at me, but if anything that just makes it worse because she's not actually addressing it with me. I also get the feeling she blames me for not knowing that gm/gn messages should be romantic only, for being too clingy and sending her messages every day, and for wanting to talk about both our feelings and figure out where we stand. I guess all of them could be on me, but they could also be on her in that - she didn't tell me the messages were bothering her, she didn't tell me she wanted more space or that she was going through something, or that she misinterpreted my message with the our/us/we/both/together in it.
The way I see it, I have 4 options (which might seem like a lot, but just wait lol)
Option 1: 'Lash' back at her and explain how things could be her fault too and it's unfair that she's blaming me for everything when she played a part in it too. Then probably angrily apologize for lashing out and say that I won't ever be sending messages often or gm/gn at all, or talking about my feelings anymore.
Option 2: Accept that our friendship is basically guaranteed to be over and just unfriend her on everything. Then block her if need be.
Option 3: Send her an anonymous response on the app (not in my wording) 'hyping' her up and suggesting that she go voice herself to that person and let them have it. Maybe convincing her to tell me she's annoyed and at least get her to talk to me about it.
Option 4: Tell her that she knows I saw her Tell, and try my best to apologize as sincerely as possible, accepting full responsibility for the fight and for how my message may have been unclear - emphasizing that I don't expect her to forgive me, but reassure her that I won't do it ever again. Then leave it at that and only converse with her when she reaches out.
You can probably tell that the Intensity goes: high 1-2-3-4 low,
and how I would want to do it is: high 4-3-2-1 low
Just figured I'd give you the latest, even if for nothing but "soap-opera-like" entertainment lol
@Adam10999
I'm sorry. That's a lot to deal with. To me, it seems very passive aggressive if she knew you were going to see it. It's one thing to vent online to someone you know is a third party, and quite another to vent online in a space where you know the object of your attention is there. It's inconsiderate and not solution oriented.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I honestly think the best thing to do would be option two. She's shown she isn't interested in a conversation, which is something you need to feel comfortable in the friendship, and she also doesn't seem interested in accepting your apology. I don't think she's worth putting your effort into to be honest.
I'm sorry this is all happening the way it is. It really is sad and frustrating, and I'm sure it feels helpless. I wish I could go smack some sense into her for you lol - but since that is not on the table, let me know if there's anything I can do for you. I'm sorry it's like this :(
@cloverisconfused
I also can't help but feel helpless or stupid for... idk, not being able to just make my own decisions?
idk...
@cloverisconfused
I hope you know I meant that as "I don't feel confident in my ability to advocate for myself" and not as anything like you making decisions for me.
Overthinking probably, but wanted to make that crystal clear so there's no doubt or overthinking on your end.
@cloverisconfused
Now that I've had a bit to think about things and focus my thoughts onto homework for a bit...
Option 5 would be to simply ignore it and not do anything until she talks to me directly.
Now would be a really good time for that 'truth fairy' to come out and tell me what exactly Alice wants from me / for me to do. Sadly though, asking her that myself would just cause more harm.
@cloverisconfused
Such a great time right now wanting to throw up, and shaking so bad you'd think I was freezing cold.
She knows I pay attention to everything, so a friend of hers sent a message in a server I'm in, saying "There is no reason for you to be asking me to forgive you, because you hurt me. Doesn't phase you. Why would it? For what you have done... There is no forgiveness"
I'm going to try to finish what I wanted to get done on my homework for tonight, and then I'm going with Option 2 because otherwise it's just going to go farther and farther until I end up doing Option 1. Honestly though, I'm not going to be friends with her anymore regardless, and it sounds kind of stupid, but I'd rather she feel better after our friendship is done.
After I send her the reply, I'm just going to think as rationally as I can and do what I feel is right - and I'll let you know when it's all over, and the gist of what happened.
I feel really bad for bring your mood down because of this too... my mood being this disrupted is already more than what I wanted, let alone for other people to be affected as well...
Talk soon friend <3
@cloverisconfused
I've actually decided against sending the apology, because since our fight she's just been telling me to "chill out" or "not stress" - but stressing is all I've been doing, and sending the apology goes against her telling me to calm down.
Based on her friend's message, I set my status to something like "I wasn't asking for forgiveness. I never meant to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I did. I'm sorry for all that I've done, and it certainly does phase me" and when she logged on, hers was something like "stop f***ing assuming s***, dumba**"... So if I'm not supposed to assume anything, then that might mean that her 'tell' and her friend's message weren't meant for me and I'm just overthinking yet again, but then I'm also assuming her status was meant for me and not someone else too, which just puts me in a loop of confusion.
I think as of right now things are at least calmed down enough again to have some semblance of conflict resolution. I feel so stupid for all of this because I feel so scared to send her a message and have her be 100% upset with me, so instead we're playing these indirect 'games'. I feel so immature and unable to handle the simplest of things like communication... and then feeling that way makes me feel like I'm just doing it to get attention, which makes it even worse and it just cycles on and on...
idk anything anymore...
@Adam10999
Excuse my French, but Jesus *** Christ. If she has a problem with someone she needs to resolve it directly, instead of leaving it out there for anyone to assume and then refusing to elaborate. Whether her problem is with your or not, I don't know. But you've done your part by apologizing and being open and willing to talk about stuff. She's obviously angry at someone, but she won't tell you whether it's you or not and is instead being straight up aggressive. At this point I think whatever mistakes you have made are basically irrelevant. I'm sorry all of this is happening. I hope you know that you've done what you can, and you deserve for others to do the same. You don't deserve these indirect mind games, and you definitely don't deserve "friends" who will talk to you like that.
I know it's hard, but I hope you can find others who will value you and want to work with you when problems come up. I hope that eventually you can bring yourself to leave this behind, because from what I can tell it's simply toxic.
Until next time, my friend :)
@cloverisconfused
Another week done... nothing new about the situation has happened, so that's good.
Just got done with a bunch of homework for the week, and stressful classes... now to start and finish writing a 4-page literary analysis essay over the weekend... yay me 😭
One more week and then I get to have a week off for Spring break! Hopefully I won't have to do any homework and I can just relax.
How have you been friend, how was your week?
@Adam10999
Hello dear friend! I'm glad it's been a relatively uneventful week for you - it sounds like you needed a break from all the drama. I hope your spring break is going well! I've been good overall. I haven't heard from my Alice, but I've been pretty good at letting myself ignore that so I'm doing ok. I got a date on thursday, and we're going on another one tomorrow, so that's exciting! I've never dated anyone before, so this is all new and overwhelming but it'll be good for me.
how have things been?
@cloverisconfused
Sadly Spring break for me starts after this week... lol
Hopefully I won't have to do any homework.
Super glad to hear you've been good! I know letting yourself ignore it might not seem like the best, but I'm really proud of you for not letting it bother you!
Dating is exciting!! It's kind of surprising that no one's asked out out before... you'd think with how wonderful and compassionate you are, but it's never too late right!? Second date is a good sign too, so I really hope it works out the way you want it to! Sending you all the best of luck!!
I myself have never been asked or asked anyone out on a date, but it's what it's and I figure the right person will come along eventually. That and I just don't really know where to even begin, let alone anything past maybe getting the words out HAHAHA 😂
Saturday's essay procrastination was CRAZY, but I ended up getting it done Sunday though. Just finished watching Antman Quantumania which was a nice break from all the homework I've been doing. I really don't watch any TV and really not even movies very often, but I am a fan of the Marvel and DC movies, among others. Back to more homework tomorrow, but I should be able to get some gaming in before class on Wednesday.
I wish you the absolute best of luck and great time on your date tomorrow!! I'd be interested in knowing how it goes! Also, you don't have to get into any details if you don't want to. It's just nice to hear how your doing, and hearing that you're doing well lifts my mood too <3
@cloverisconfused you're not alone. I'm in the exact situation as you are. I decided to stop talking to her, and move on. I'm sad now but maybe time will pass and I could see someone truly a friend who genuinely want both giving and receiving.
@agiosemi104
That's a really difficult thing to do, but I'm glad you did what was best for you!