I am afraid to share this at sharing circle. It's too long.

Some listeners were eager to help me.but I think I can't make up my mind or I don't know what to do. Schools are starting here and I feel so afraid to go now.
My problem I don't know how to start.but the situation has repeated in my mind over and over, I can remember it 
It happened like this.please this will be long..so don't read if you don't want to.And please don't judge me.😭at the end I will tag some friends I met on cups.
I don't have much friends at my new school.I have actually.they care.but since I am so introverted, I can't relate them much.they let me be like that. That friend was someone I felt so relating like we are almost same.

I don't usually bother anyone. Quiet and doing my own work.but after meeting that friend I felt I am not alone anymore.like that.and that friend's mom had to have a surgery. I offer her support eith everything I can.like how I will support if I am in that situation

And this whole month I checked in with her and asked her well being..since we are studying, I even encouraged her to study more.

But she sometimes began to ignore my messages. And I thought if something has happened. She is too not someone who reveal any problem she is in and I have known that.

Last week monday, I haven't even got a good sleep.I know It's not an excuse.I asked if her mom is okay. She replied fine.since it's so short I asked her if it's true. She replied in the lines. " I would like to be able to convince you that my mom is fine.

And I misunderstood it and I thought her mom is not fine and she is going through this alone and it broke me.so I replied on the lines of How my father was in a similar situation and how I felt alone and I told her not to push me away and it hurts me when she does it.

Turns out her mom is fine.and I was mocked. Or whatever.
She replied " that's not my type. I still think I can do everything on my own and I don't want anyone at my side.🤣"

She is not wrong probably .she told me if I got into trouble she will be there on my behalf.but I was more than hurt.so I replied "please don't talk to me again even at school and I won't too at my part. And goodbye for a long time"

It's been days now.but I actually hope she would talked to me but. She never did.now since schools are starting I will meet her.I am not angry with her. But I feel that I was on a one sided friendship. She is a deputy head prefect and if she wants she can hurt me using her power.but I don't think she will go that far but.

I feel anxiety and desperate. And I have my own problems with my parents fighting andd... and as i am an only child I don't have anyone to talk to, I am truly alone.it's like I lost something I truly adored.
But I know I shouldn't have get attached to that friend this much. But what got me truly was How she was nice to me when I was alone at school (there was a function called The Science day.I didn't participate to those dancing , singing events and since most of the class have participated them I was so lonely and have been very down. That friend was in a drama, yet asked me if I can watch the rehearsal .and at that time I was for some reason has feeling very down mentally. I don't remember it but it was so stressful that just a word directed to me was enough to cheer me up .
And after that in the library we even had a talk about gardening  and since she is an only child too how much we can relate.she even gave me some flower seeds to plant.
When the vacation started, I sent her photos of beautiful nature scenes near my home and the plants I have grown.and the most important part was that her mom was sick and had to have a surgery. So that information was something that broke me out of my introverted shell.since she is an only child I have known how much it hurts to bear the pain alone.so I tried to help her I asked her well being everyday or very often.but after  a week she was ignoring my texts like she will read and  no reply. 

Then there was a class I can meet her, I asked her what was wrong. Turns out her mom was sick again with another problem. And I said sorry.she said sorry too for not replying. 
And the week after, when I met her at the class she met me and said she is going to another class and left.I didn't expected it and was hurt somehow. I had planned to tell how my father was sick at covid time and how it was very difficult to go through it alone that day.so I went back home without staying to the class. She

She hadn't known it. But next week I told her I came back home that week.after that everything changed. I too learned I have got so attched to her now.I sent her this picture too.

As much as I don't want to admit I know now taht I have got attched to her a lot . as I said earlier I stopped talking and texting.but I had alittle hope she will talk back despite all. I even called her asked her if she is okay back then.but nothing at all.now I wonder all of this have been a one sided friendship.she is a good person.but I am not good at communication skills either.I overthink sometimes and end up thinking the worst.that night I was sleep deprieved too.

Now I have to face this since schools are starting and I will meet her.probably she will not talk to me as I told. But no matter what I know it will hurt badly. So I am anxious to go on Monday.I can't study as I used to.it kept coming in my mind.probably she don't even think about me as I do.

So that's all.thank you if you got this far .but I am not worthy that much.I am tagging my recently net friends here.but note that this friend is not rain okie?

@teenmorgan16 @ASilentObserver @littlebirdie30 @sunisshinningandsoareyou @chillingrain  

This picture is something I sent her.I think she got the wrong idea.she is probably thinking I am so clingy and coming after her.or something .or it's strange. It's fair since I am not talkative that much.but all I wanted was friendship. 😔