What is one thing that your parents/guardians did right?
Hi everyone! I hope you are well. A lot of times, human beings tend to focus on the areas of improvement, and what could have gone better. Admittedly, family relationships can be complicated and some parents do not meet their children's basic needs. This thread is not for people who had an entirely negative experience but rather for those who are still in touch with their families and have a complicated but present relationship with their parents.
A chance for us to reflect on what parents/guardians did right. This does not forgive any wrongdoings but rather helps one to see grey areas rather than seeing our childhood as black or white.
@Hope What my parents did right, was never hide their true feelings from me. They hid how they felt about me from everyone they knew, except me, and that was hard. But, by never hiding it from me, I felt like that gave me the ability to make choices that were honestly in my best interest, free of guilt and shame. Anger was my friend, but guilt and shame were pretty distant, and I guess if I have to pick my poison, I prefer the anger. I found some strength in anger, right or wrong. 🤔
Also, as much as I say that the material things they gave me were not enough to make me happy (and that is true), I cannot deny that many aspects of my childhood were amazing, thanks to how much they gave me to project the idea that they were perfect parents. I had awesome birthday parties and Christmases. Easter was epic. I had so many cool presents that I asked for, every holiday. Even on Valentine's Day, I got a small box of Whitman's Chocolates (anyone remember those?)
My dad had wired a playhouse outside with a ceiling fan and electricity, for my easy bake oven. I had a tiny house back in the 70's, before anyone knew what that was. 🤣 We also had lots of pool parties and bbq's, just because. My mom was an awesome cook. Her homemade peach ice cream, strawberry ice cream, hot fudge cakes, and apple crisp were amazing. With Christmas approaching, I am remembering how she would make Ore-ida crinkle french fries, fish sticks and we would watch the 1964 version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer together. I still do that every Christmas season, and think back to one time a year that we ate and laughed together, usually while my dad was working late or in bed early.
My mom was a stay at home mom until I was a teenager (so I never came home to an empty house, while many of my friends did, and I always thought that must be scary, to be a latch key kid), and my dad was an electrician. They were in debt up to their eyeballs for everything they gave me and my sister, and that is not an easy way to live. They really did their best, coming from extremely abusive backgrounds themselves, and I am sad that I didn't realize that until recently, but I guess that is the nature of growing up.
Though we are no contact now and have been for six years, I really, really love and appreciate my parents. Life is not easy for anyone, and I think I have done a pretty good job in making the best of it, so they must have done more right than any of us ever dared to imagine. If I really think hard about it, there were good times.
You know, I do not want to minimize the effects of the mistakes made (on all sides, mine included, of course), but you know, maybe pain is a more intense experience than joy, and maybe that is why it is so challenging to focus on the positive? Food for thought. I dunno.
Thank you for this post as an opportunity to honor their best efforts. 💖
@niceSea1350 gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤ squeezes you tightly
@Tinywhisper11 Thank you 🥰
@Hope Oh, oops! I missed the part that this is only for people that still have relationships with their families. I'm sorry! You can delete my posts, if you want. 💖
@niceSea1350
Yours is perfectly fine! Thank you for sharing. The disclaimer is there so people who had a mostly negative upbringing don't feel like they have to focus on the positive. This post is not aimed at encouraging toxic positivity.
@Hope Thank you so much! Boomers and GenX (what my parents and me are) felt to me like GenX (grunge, in particular) waging war on toxic positivity, so it is really nice to know that positive results came from our battles. Your comment here means more to me than you may ever know. 🥰
@Hope Ok, for one or another reason, I could not process and understand what you wrote until now.
Of course you are right, that there are people that had no positive at all in their childhoods, and toxic positivity defined as, 'find the positive when there was absolutely none' - well, I cannot grasp the kind of laziness, selfishness and complacency that someone would possess, to expect individuals to do this, or to pretend that a person is not being fully honest about their childhood. I have met plenty of people that have had unfortunate childhoods, and instinctually, it has been clear to me that these people are telling the truth. 😥
I have always been the kind of person that wanted to listen, hear the truth, and offer some kind of support for a path forward, though now I am in a rest and heal phase, myself. So, my apologies for not hearing what you posted, the first time I read it. I am deep (thankful for 7cups helping me navigate these waters I find myself in), but every day a little better.
Thank you for being here, Hope. Whatever it was that your post first caused me to feel, I needed it. Maybe that is why I misunderstood. So again, thank you for responding to my post. I wish you a beautiful day. 💖
@Hope there are so many let me name a few.
Fed me and cleaned me up when I was a helpless infant, taught me how to get along with other people, taught me how to speak, made sure I had a good education.
What is a sad irony is I took all this for granted until they died and then I really began to see how much they did for me. That is one of my motivations for wanting to help others: to begin in some small way to repay the kindness of parents, teachers and mentors.
@soulsings hey soul, it's so easy to take things for granted when your young. But they know what a great person you've become because of them. They watch over you, they know your love ❤❤❤gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
They didn't abandon me. Knowing that I always have a place to fall back on has offered me safety.
@Creamyyy that is so important. I headed out on my own multiple times but ended up back home when my plan failed.
@Creamyyy yaay that's awsome ❤ it always warns my heart to hear when people have living family ❤ gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@Hope they supported me in my passions. Spent a lot of time with me and gave me a very rich childhood. I used to do a lot of creative stuff with mom and dad used to take us outside or read us books. They spent a lot of time with us and we had a lot of fun as kids. They are not perfect, but I can say they did the best they could with what they knew at a time. And I'm very grateful for it.
@sadcat13 awww ❤ that's great I'm glad you have a living family ❤gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11 thank you🌻
@Hope my owners taught me how to read and write. Which was good thing for me. But their intentions by teaching me was not good intentions
@Hope
Well my mom was trying her best to make my life better by buying me gifts, going on walks together and stuff like that but she was never emotionally present. It feels so weird because in a way i have nothing to complain about but i was never supported emotionally. Everytime i wanted to hug her when i was a kid she was just declining it and saying she doesn't want me to hug her. It hurt a lot. To this day i still remeber this moment and it makes me miserable. Maybe i'm just weak i don't know but that hurts so much. Even now writing this it hurts. Right now i am in the middle of grieving my childhood because i only now realized that i suffer from CEN and even though i try i just cannot forgive my parents because they hurt me so much.
@schrodingerscattt I am sorry your mom did not hug you. That must be a sad memory. Maybe it hurt her too much to have physical contact.
I often wonder how my parents coped with the challenges in their life and if they had mental illnesses and there was so much stigma about it then that they could not even talk about it. They did the best they could I guess and I survived so they must have done something right. I wonder why it's taken me so long to see that. I guess when they died I realized that that was the end of the story and so I am trying to write a new story.