Should I reach out to my dad?

For some reason the social media platform got blocked out by the system that he reached out to me on. It's the blue one with the big white F. Faces and books.

I think you should tell your mom your request about how you wish to have a dad considering your growth experience because I think as a mother she understands what it is like for a kid to grow without having father but there might be something you don't know and I guess she might think about it if you tell her. You don't know much about your dad for now so I guess try to stay with your mom for most of the time it's probably safer with her and somehow she's more trustworthy and knows more about your father (at least from your experience) But after all I feel sorry for part of your experiences growing without a dad which is important for subjective well-being or emotional needs and I truly wish you can get the best solution❤️❤️❤️Safety is the priority though❤️

@Emberlin111 Hello. Mostly I agree with the person who replied you earlier.

I believe that every child - teenage or adult - has the right to have two parents, because it is crucial for our emotional health and sense of identity. Although it is advisable to be as optimistic as careful in this matter.

No matter if your parents were fighting each other (and which of them was 'right'), you are not the part of the conflict, and you deserve to have both of them.

Obviously, safety is priority - I hope your father would not intent to make your any harm, but I guess his environment might be dangerous. So if you would like to meet him in person, I think a safe place for that would be a good choice.

@Emberlin111 I would suggest to accept his request since he being your father. Having said this, and knowing he might be h.arming your mom and does drugs, I would suggest to be cautious and not overly friendly till you feel comfortable with him and his intentions (as in does he want to live with you like a family or has any other motive for reaching out). Take a friend along if and when you meet him and meet in a public place. Your hurt and pain is valid and I would suggest to gather your thoughts and calm yourself if you decide to meet. I hope it goes well for you and he gives the love you missed out on

@Emberlin111 I think you should talk to your dad. It's hard to be without parental figures or to deal with distant parental figures. It wouldn't hurt to reach out to him and if it doesn't work that's ok at least you tried. My best <3

Hey there! I have personal experience with this and would love to give you some perspective if you would like. Feel free to message me!

Hi Emberlim

its tricky, when you are tore like that sure he was a bad guy. Maybe he abused your mum, but people can change. And he loves you no doubt. You only heard one side, he maybe never had the chance to explain. I would give him the chance to show you if he has changed. One conversation will allow you to choose, and your mum should understand that you have the right to know

@Emberlin111 

Okay, so I am finally able to pinpoint why my response wasn't posting and I can now let you know what my perspective is on here. Shout out to @heather225 for being the best of the best. You can ignore the post I said about messaging me. :) 

Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse

Sweetie, I relate to this on so many levels. I am now in my early thirties and could say I am an alternate reality where your mother decided to stay with him. A little background, my father also used drugs and committed DV against my mom...for thirty years. Essentially, my entire life. He just recently went to prison and has been there for about a year, with two more to go.

I'll give you a little insight into how it was to grow up with an abusive father. Even though he was technically a part of my life, he was never really present as a father. He was incredibly obsessed with my mother and every single thing she did. He was extremely controlling and physically/emotionally abusive to her. At some point, she literally lost it and started returning that energy straight back. You can imagine what that type of environment resulted in for 4 kids growing up. We were literally all just collateral damage. Whether he realized it or not, he used us repeatedly to try and get to our mom. A good example that sticks out to me is when he would call me so that I could tell him what my mom was up to. He did this whenever she had blocked his phone number. You can safely assume he didn't call for anything else.

So, if you feel like you missed out on a father, you may be correct. However, that could have been the case either way (unless he actually changed).

I have grieved not having a “father” for a long time. It sucks so much and as you grow into an adult, that realization can become incredibly hard to deal with. It took most of my early twenties to come to grips with that. There's honestly so much more I could say about my experiences, but I would end up writing a novel and I really just want you to know that your mom made the best choice for you and herself. I know it sucks that she is distant, and that's something that honestly can only be worked on through open communication and therapy. In my case, my mom has intense boundary issues and has relied on me as her sister/therapist/friend since I was a child...when she really shouldn't have. This also resulted in an incredibly toxic family dynamic. Even now that my father is out of the picture, everyone is still struggling to build healthy relationships with each other. It's difficult to cultivate any type of healthy relationship when there's so much everyone has to do to begin to heal themselves.

I don't have an answer as to what you should do about staying in contact with your dad. I will say that you do not have to feel guilty about blocking him or about choosing to include him in your life. This is entirely YOUR decision. Your mom made her choice for both of you back then, but now that you're approaching adulthood, that choice will become only yours.

I know that saying you don't have to feel guilty won't erase that feeling, but it's important that you remember that none of this is on you. Okay?

My father has also been trying to get in contact with me the entire time he has been in prison, and I am struggling with similar( if not the same) feelings you do. Talking to him can be triggering and plain aggravating, but a part of me wants that little girl to develop an actual relationship with her dad. Now, the adult woman inside of me reminds me that he had THIRTY years to do this and he only chose to try and establish a relationship once he was in prison and became lonely. All in all, I ended up telling him that talking to him on the phone or via chat was too much for me and that I would need time and distance. The most I can currently handle are handwritten letters, and even then, I'm very inconsistent about those. So, maybe there's some version of this you can do. Maybe you can settle on starting with weekly, or even monthly emails to update each other? Whatever you’re comfortable with! Of course, you can also decide to just cut off all communication, and that is OK too.

It is not possible to predict how your mom will react to any of this, only she knows how she will do so. I grew up anticipating my mom's reactions and honestly, it's just not worth it. She will react how she wants to regardless of what you do and you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for her feelings. I think that as long as you express your own feelings about the situation and are honest, that should be enough for any mother.

I am now a mom as well and I sincerely hope that my baby boy grows up knowing that he can always share anything with me.

I just want to say that you're doing AMAZING and I am so proud of you for deciding to reach out for support.

You are in my thoughts, @Emberllin111, and I sincerely wish you the best. *hugs* 💗