Need opinions
My husband has me doing everything. I was fed up last week when he told me that I needed to order a water delivery. I said that we should take turns calling because that’s what adults do. I even wrote down the number for him. He has refused to call. He was the one who wanted bottled water delivered. I can’t taste the difference. Should I continue the stand off? Is it petty?
@quickwittedCamp7013
You are his wife / partner not his employee .... I know you may feel it is petty but if you do not take a stand you will continue to be doing all the errands / calls and details ..... if that is what he needs perhaps he can hire a personal assistant
@quickwittedCamp7013 yep continue the standoff! Show him your not a servant. And if he won't do it, stop doing other chores or errands to. Don't let anyone control you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I hope he gets the wake up call he needs ❤
Thank you everyone! I hate conflict and this is making me anxious. My daughter has a masters in psychology and she says he has a dependent personality disorder. I’m also trying to get him to get his own refills but he didn’t and his cholesterol levels were high. I found that out when I made his doctor appointment. I was going to make his dental appointment but I stopped. I keep telling him that he needs to know how to do these things. But he doesn’t want to. I’m not his mother
@quickwittedCamp7013
Exactly ....... it seems to be something that older men revert to do
i know my spouse has become more like this ...like i am suppose to take care of things and remind him and if i would do it make him lunch to go to work.... I raised my kids I do not want another grown one that wants all the work done for him. This is a big problem right now in our marriage and frankly if he wants a mommy and junk find someone else i am done.
You are exactly right! He’s becoming a man-child. The lawnmower broke do he hasn’t mowed the lawn in a month. He said he wanted to fix it on his own but never even tried. I finally called the repairman. He is taking Prozac for depression and the doctor is increasing his dose but I don’t think he gets a pass for everything! So, ToughTiger, we can support each other! ❤️❤️
@quickwittedCamp7013
I am in process of having him go talk with someone not sure he can get meds as he is on a few for a health thing... but i told him he is depressed and needs to find a way to deal with it i cannot fix ... we have numerous half done projects or things to be fixed because he tries for a few minutes then gives up.
@quickwittedCamp7013
Thank you for sharing ...
i was talking to someone recently and struggling with this and to know it may be a issue that more are facing lessens my frustration with it.
I think we have the same husband 😂
he will say he’s going to paint the deck and he hasn’t even started. His PCP prescribed the Prozac. If he had to see a psychiatrist then he would never go.
He is very irresponsible for his age. And is expecting you to take care of him like a mother which is not at all healthy for you. You are his wife not mother and he should take responsibility of such basic things as well as take care of you.
I don't think it is healthy at all. You are not his mother. He should not be expecting you to do all this. You shouldn't have to take care of everything. He'd not a child after all.
Thank you. Everyone here gave me the strength to continue the stand off. I don’t think taking turns is too much to ask. After many years, he finally does his own laundry. But he doesn’t clean the house, cook, shopping etc. I’m actually feeling proud of myself for sticking to the stand off. I usually cave. Love to everyone 🥰
@quickwittedCamp7013
Hi Camp! 😊❤️
Thank you for reaching out for support, for creating this forum post and I know sometimes that can be so very hard to do. I commend you my friend! We are here for you, you are not alone, as can be seen by all of the amazing contributions to your thread by my stellar teammates!💡
Just for the record, I don't find you to be petty and not in the least! Even though the singular issue of ordering the water sounds to be quite frustrating and for the very good reasons that you mentioned, it sounds as if this is a recurring theme in your relationship with your husband. It's not just about the water any longer, I get it!
It sounds as if it just so happened to be the H20 that brought you to the "tipping point", saturation point, just like a sponge that ...pardon the play on words...cannot absorb even one more ounce of water.
You truly strike me as a kind and well meaning person that most likely has been long suffering with all of this. We all have our limits and it sounds as if you have finally reached yours. It's not just the water, it's you having to live day by day in a highly unbalanced relationship. I can only imagine that you may be sitting and wondering how did this all happen?
It does happen slowly doesn't it? Very slowly and over time where givers keep giving and others take more and more until ones "personal well" is starting to run dry. I commend you for knowing yourself, for having the self awareness of when your resources have been depleted and when to raise the red flag that it's just not equitable any longer and not even close!
It sounds as if there are some boundary issues going on. It's hard enough for us as kind people to even set the boundaries in the first place. 😳 *high fives* 😊 on setting a boundary with your husband...i.e. "you order the water". Well done my friend!
Now we move on to phase 2. Phase 2 can be even more difficult it seems as so much is told to us about boundary setting however it's hard to find information about what to do when we set the bar and then we watch them "limbo" right underneath it. Gee, I set a boundary and it has been ignored.
Sometimes boundary setting (and follow through) can be more about training ourselves than others around us. Interesting concept, I know! 😊 You have a right to your feelings, you have a right to your very own time, you have a right to your sacred space, you have a right to your very own wants and needs in life independent of his. You are a human being. ❤️ While it may sound odd today, I grant you the right to be a human being! ❤️ And some days, maybe that's what it really takes....for someone on the outside to tell us it's okay to be a human being and have wants and needs of our very own.
For many of us here in the community that may need help or support and for a myriad of things, my feelings are "you didn't get there overnight so it won't find resolution overnight". However.....slow and steady wins the race! 😊
You have an entire community that is more than happy to wrap their arms around you and support you in your journey. You can make your "line in the sand" for boundary issue number 1 if you like. You can seek help and support to hold strong and not cave to jump in and just fix it all. (Probably hurt you more than him to do so, truth be known, lol 😊 as we do kind of fall into patterns).
During this time, you could even make a list of things you just don't find worthy of you to do any longer. If you would like, you could introduce a new concept, goal, to release the responsibility of on whatever type of timeline you see fit. Not providing advice here, just simply brainstorming, tossing around ides, suggestions.
It's hard to watch those that we love and care for struggle in their own ways. These can be painful moments. Having said that, "If nothing changes, then nothing changes" and sometimes it is us that have to be the force for change in a positive direction.
Sounds like you are ready my sweet friend! 😊 I believe in you! ❤️
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
Thank you. Your words meant so much to me. We are still at a stalemate but I have been strong and didn’t give in! I told him that this is not a punishment and he needs to know how to do things for himself. I also told him that romance isn’t flowers but helping each other. He shakes his head in agreement but he still won’t order his own water 😂
@quickwittedCamp7013
❤️❤️❤️
@quickwittedCamp7013
That's not pretty. I believe he is lazy person and doesn't believe in mutual efforts for maintaining the relationship
@quickwittedCamp7013
No I don't think it is petty. Relationships should have a give and take. Including chores and things to do at home. If your husband wants bottled water delivered then he should take the initiative. Men and women should be equal, it's not always the woman who has to be caretaker of everything at home. (just my point of view).
My dad is the opposite to my mom. He blames her for not helping around the house, not buying groceries, or paying for some things. But she buys food for us time to time, she pays for electricity and our own phone plan. She even brought stuff for the house like our vacuum cleaner. But no because of all this, he is considering divorce. He just told her last night and it turned into an argument and my brother had to intervene and got in an ugly fight with him.