No support
My husband is very selfish. He always puts himself first. If I ask for help he will say “I don’t feel like it”. If he isn’t working he lays around or lifts weights and acts like he is a teenager. I take care of all finances, housework and kids etc. I’d like to leave him but our youngest is in college. Our oldest thinks I’m mean to him. He will never leave me because he can’t take care of himself. His parents would never get a card or gift if I didn’t send it and they don’t even like me!! I read an article about leaving a relationship emotionally but staying physically. I don’t know if it’s possible because it’s infuriating to see how lazy he is. I told myself to start doing things without him and act like he doesn’t exist. Any advice??
@quickwittedCamp7013
That is what i do ........ let him fail ... no more gifts for parents .... no dinner we are roommates and he needs to take care of his crap.....
also make plans to do things without him ...... make it as uncomfortable as possible....
i showed our kids grown how he treats me etc and they once seen have no sympathy for him or his issues.
he is a grown man who acts like you are his MOM not his wife/ partner so he brought it on himself
I have my oldest daughter feeling sorry for him and our youngest seeing him the way he really is. My oldest thinks I’m the mean one because I was responsible for the discipline, homework, after school activities. She doesn’t know that she wouldn’t have been able to do anything after school if I didn’t take her and pay for it. My husband thought that it inconveniences his time. He never answers their texts or answers their calls and then he wonders why they never talk to him. When I tell him why, he says “I’m busy “. Which is never true. He wants his cake and eat it too
@quickwittedCamp7013
I understand and had a daughter too that thought i was being too difficult .... he nEVER texts or calls them expects me to keep him up do date on everyone finally said nope you have their # you text or makeup your own version of how they are doing ...... i am not your mom or secretary or nurse or calendar to remind you of stuff let him drive for 4 months without renewing his car tags.....
told him he is not my monkey and not my circus.
I was just thinking about his truck. I’ve told him for the last 2 months that we switched banks and after this month there is no money in the old account for his insurance. He would just say “yes you told me already “ but he doesn’t do anything. We switched to a new bank 6 months ago. I switched everything but his truck because my name isn’t on it. I was going to remind him again but I have to keep reminding myself that he’s a grown man and it’s not my responsibility. Like you said, I’m not his mom, secretary or nurse.
@quickwittedCamp7013
yep once i get that "yeah yeah i know " crap i let it go ... let him deal with it or face the outcome of not
Thank you. That’s what I was thinking of doing. But I’m not a tough person and I keep giving in. But I’m definitely not sending his father any cards or gifts. He was the meanest.
We’ve been married for 30 years. I’ve wanted to leave for a long time but always put the kids first and made excuses. I’ve asked him to go to therapy several times and he refused. I asked him to leave once and he said wait for him to get some money together. He knew if he waited then I would let it go. I don’t want my youngest to suffer because I wouldn’t be able to afford school on my own. I agree with the other poster that I should let him see what life would be like on his own. Maybe that will make him start to change or at least appreciate what he has
@quickwittedCamp7013 Hi there!
I don't presume to know you or your husband's personalities, or the dynamic in your relationship. But I can empathize with your frustration and your want and need to force him to acknowledge the reality he's choosing to ignore and the responsibilities he refuses to accept. I have one just like that, only I'm not so sure it's as much laziness as it is a lack of any amount of incentive.
Nah. It's laziness, too. 😉
But I felt the need to butt in here to say just a few things:
- I so admire you if you can go through with your plan. I tried it and he didn't care in the least, so needless to say he didn't change at all, either. So eventually I couldn't stand it anymore, and took charge again, cleaned up everything, etc, etc. (Of course, I'm also a control freak, so that's my innate behavior anyway, and I'm sure I would have held out longer than I did if I didn't have the need to control of every minuscule thing that's within 100 miles.) 😳
- I'd suggest coming up with some kind of Plan B in case your Plan A gets the same results mine did.
- @selfconfidentTiger8983 had some great suggestions...in a perfect world, that is. My husband not only thinks he doesn't need marriage counseling or therapy, he FIRMLY believes he does absolutely nothing that warrants changing or correcting. How can you convince someone like that otherwise? The answer is you CAN'T. So, if I may edit Tiger's suggestion to - You may want to consider therapy just for yourself. It could help you determine if you can accept what you've lived with for thirty years and continue to live with it even longer, or if it's time to move on. But if there's no love lost between the two of you, why stay and continue to be frustrated and upset all the time?
- This is the last, I promise! 😁 These are extremely wise words, but unfortunately, I can't recall where I heard them to give credit. And I try (but fail miserably) to live by them:
PEOPLE WILL ONLY TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED.
It's a hard truth to face, but it is truth. And keep in mind you've allowed this behavior for 30 years. Understandably, you haven't liked or appreciated the behavior, but you've allowed it.
Of course, on the flip side:
I firmly believe women are turned INTO "nags", and I base that conclusion on the fact that if:
A) the man the woman is nagging, did what needed to be done on his own initiative in the first place, then
B) there would be nothing to nag about!
And on THAT note, I'll say goodnight, wish QuickWitted the best of luck, and everyone a very pleasant weekend! 🌹
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*YIKES* !!!
The word "incentive" was MEANT to say INITIATIVE.
Please forgive my goof-up.
🙈🙉🙊 💩
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Just leave him.. Don't care about what would ur kids think of you for now..you gotta be selfish and take care of you.. your kids will understand when they become old ...
I think the reason I never did was that I’m afraid of the financial repercussions of divorce. We don’t have a lot of money. Only the lawyers benefit from divorce. We have separate bedrooms. I have done things for me - going to the gym, occasional dinner/movie with family and joining the women’s group at church. If he wants to sit and stare into space then he doesn’t get an audience. He’s starting to realize that he doesn’t hear from our grown daughters now. He would ask me if I heard from them and I usually answer no. They said they would try to reach out but he doesn’t reply so they gave up. I told him that and he said he’s too busy to text! He’s not but he’s the one missing out on a relationship with them.
