Just…. stressed.
I’m just feeling really stressed in relation to my family. I don’t like them and don’t get along with them. My mom and dad and sister live about ten minutes away from me and i wish I had a good relationship with them but I just don’t. I feel a bit closer to my sister but I also feel frustrated and angry towards her. There are a lot of reasons why I feel anger and frustration towards them but it’s just really challenging.
I kind of wish I had been born in a different family. I just don’t have almost anything in common with my parents. It is hard to define and talk about. I care about them but I also can’t stand them. I think the biggest thing is that our views and values are so different. They are very conservative in a lot of ways, and that is what I find most challenging about them. A lot of me doesn’t even want to talk to them or be in a relationship with them. I am having a hard time defining what exactly I even want as far as my relationship with them. It makes me sad to think about.
I am feeling a lot of frustration and anger towards them. I want to talk to them, including about our divisions, but I feel so much anger towards them. I think I want to process and think about the anger I feel towards them, and don’t like having all of this unspoken and unexpressed anger. A part of me would really like to talk to them more about all of this, but I feel so much anger. And honestly I have good reasons for it but I guess what I am struggling with is figuring out what exactly to do or how exactly to express it. There is no question that I care about them but honestly I am just so frustrated and annoyed by how they are and what they believe.
When it comes to my sister, it isn’t so much anger as fear and concern that I feel. I know that she is having a really hard time mentally in life. She doesn’t have a job and is completely dependent on my parents and I feel like she doesn’t have any real plans to become independent. Which is fine, she doesn’t have to become independent. But at least I want to be honest with her and tell her that I am concerned and that I care about her. I think I have tried to communicate that to her but I am not sure how much she believes it. She seems to be dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety and I feel like she isn’t being effectively helped in dealing with it. She is also a very private person so it worries me because it makes me think that maybe she is doing worse than she is telling me. But I don’t know how to reach her and break through to her.
I want to go over to their house more and spend more time with my sister but it is also stressful because I don’t want to spend a lot of time with my parents. Every time I go there I feel angry and frustrated towards my parents and I just don’t want to interact with them. I have no idea what to do. I think the main thing is that I need to stop hiding my emotions and find some way to express how I am feeling. I have to stop running away from my anger and find some way to actually talk about it. I need to talk about it. I have to, but right now I just feel lost. I am so angry and frustrated. Maybe I should sit with that for a bit, that could maybe help me. I feel so much anger though. I know I will be fine and get through this but I am just having a hard time right now.
Thank you for reading -
@eumesmo
Hello!
I’m sorry you don’t get along with your family<3
I imagine it must be very difficult to not have their support.
I like how you said, you feel it would be helpful to stop hiding your emotions and find a way to express them<3
I think that is very introspectful thinking.
Sending you hugs<3
We are here for you ✨💛
@innateJoy9602
Thank you! I think the hardest thing is that my sister is really depressed but doesn’t really share much about it. I am mostly worried about her. I really care about her but I’m not sure how to support her. I do love her a lot.
It worries me because I know that she is really stressed out. It’s also hard because for a lot of reasons my girlfriend doesn’t like my parents and so she never wants to come with me when I visit them (which I am okay with) but my mom and others always ask about her and I don’t know what to tell them. So it is kind of a mess all around….
Phew. The more I write about my family relationships the more I realize how complicated and stressful they are. No wonder I feel so anxious and stressed out and depressed 😅😅😅
I think this is something I need to talk about and discuss in therapy more, because I have discussed and explored a lot of things in therapy but I feel like I haven’t discussed my family relationships enough and they are clearly a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. For now I guess I can discuss and talk about them on 7 Cups 🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
@eumesmo I really connected with what you’ve written about your sister. My sister is the same way - reclusive, depression and anxiety, can’t seem to clear the fog between us.
What helped me was inviting her to the park or a cafe or just anywhere away from our parents. Hanging out breeds familiarity, and although my sister doesn’t talk about herself at all, I feel like she is happy and relaxed around me. I never force conversation, either, we just walk or sit or read books.
To go a step further, I got her out of there (parents house) by offering her to move in with my roommate and I, since we have a 3 bed anyway. That’s been good for my sister, but living with someone so severely depressed does bring its own set of problems, one of which is the disturbing idea that I’m enabling my sister somehow by helping her so much. It can be hard when she doesn’t do anything around the house. Nonetheless, I’d rather do what is best for my sister. It’s been about a year now and I see her improving VERY slowly!
Not saying you should live with your sister, I’m just illustrating that there is no ‘magic fix’ and our sisters are on their own journeys. Best you can do is be there for them however you can manage. I’m glad you have a therapist, I think that’s a smart way to get emotions processed.
@2aphod8eeblebrox
Thank you for the response, I just wanted to let you know I read through but I’ll respond to you later—
@2aphod8eeblebrox
I think hanging out with her outside of my parents’ house is a good idea. She rarely respond to my texts and maybe I should talk to her about that. It really bothers me and I want to tell her that but I don’t want to stress her out unnecessarily. I think maybe she thinks that it will stress me out if she is not in a good place but I want her to actually share her feelings with me. I want to support her as much as I can and I don’t know if she understands that.
But I think a good start could be to just hang out and go to the park or something like that. I think I will text her and ask if she wants to do that…
Thank you—
@eumesmo So sorry to hear this.
Maybe try talking to a therapist or a listener here at 7cups.
For therapists visit: https://www.7Cups.com/online-therapy/?Ob=1
For listeners visit: https://www.7Cups.com/BrowseListeners/
I hope this helps.
Hello @eumesmo, it bites that you are in this situation. I can relate to this on a personal level, as I come from s dysfunctional family with physical & verbal abuse...
In regards to your sister, as another member mentioned, perhaps try and offer help [i.e. offer to help sis move out of parents house, help find a job by referring her to a temp agency or either yours or your friends workplace, assist with finding a therapist, etc]. If she refused help, you can also ask her to hangout outside of the house and have 1v1 one time, or have her come hangout with your family[ex. GF] and friends.
As for your parents, there are a couple choices:
A) Grey Rock Method: Basically, anytime your parents try to rile you up or provoke you, give boring, short answers. [Ex. "How was your weekend?" "Good." "What did you do?" "Watch movies." "Did you like it?" "Yes."] For more info, see this link: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#when-to-seek-help
B) Write a Letter: For everything your feeling, write it all down! Wait a day before you either send letter or speak to them about what's written on there. Talk to your therapist and make a second draft if you need to, to clean up the wording.
*** NOTE: Use "I" statements instead of "you", as that will make the other person defensive/offended. [Ex. "I feel upset when I clean the whole house, and it becomes dirty the next day." Vs "You NEVER clean! You're so messy!"]
C) Group Therapy: Be cautious with this one, if your parents are toxic, they'll use whatever you day in the therapy session against you as ammo.
D) Limit Contact: Choose how much or how little you want to contact parents. You can restrict it to either just phone calls, text, or emails with no in-person visit. You could just limit it to only seeing them on holidays, and that's it. It's really up to you on how you want to set the boundaries.
E) No Contact: This is the last resort if you tried everything to maintain the relationship and they're being negative/rude towards you. You csn choose how you want to go no contact [write letter and say why, tell them in person, or simply day nothing and either fade slow or fast away from them]. Talk to your therapist first before making a choice...
Anyhow, I hope it all works out! I have experience with going limited to no contact with parents. My oldest brother is like your sister, he had anxiety & depression, and lives with mother[our parents are separated, but live in the same state, I moved out from that state years ago]. I've tried everything to help him[including my other brothers, they tried too], but he doesn't want to do anything so...I just keep in touch with call, text, or email but I don't visit in person (they live out of state anyways).
Lastly, I was nicknamed the "angry one" in the family for daring to have feelings after dealing with the crap my parents out me through [physical & verbal assault. Mother also SA me....]
Anywho, I wish you luck eumesmo[voce pode tagarelar em português???], please keep us updated if you feel like it.
@ImpudentIncognito
Thank you for your ideas! Falo um pouco de português. Eu falava mais antes mas agora não me lembro de muito! 😅
I like the steps and different options you offered. I think it really is about boundaries and is something that I need to discuss in therapy. I think this should be one of my main focuses in therapy. I just have so many issues I want to talk about. I have issues in my relationship, in my job, and so many other things I want to talk about.
I do love and care about my sister, and honestly I love and care about my parents too. I just wish they were different in a lot of ways. I want to talk to them but they are just so frustrating and challenging. Honestly I think I need to talk about this more in therapy because the more I think about it all the more complicated it all seems and looks. I just want to have a healthy and non-toxic relationship with them I guess?
But I’m really sorry about the things you went through, that sounds horrific. I wish you the best and hope you are well-