Deeply concerned and
My father has only been deceased for five months and already my mother is trying to date again. She is a good, kind, thoughtful woman who is simply concerned that if she waits too long then she will never have the courage to move on. And my father was a very difficult man as well. So, in one way, I understand.
I told her that it is her choice and that I support her, and I believe that, in my head...but in my heart I am struggling. It feels much, much too soon. Also, because she has not dated in decades, she isn't sure what's expected and thinks she should be exclusive with someone right away, which really, really worries me about her judgment and makes me feel strong animosity to the man who she is talking to, despite the fact that he is probably a decent person. He knows how recently she was widowed but regardless he has asked if they can talk every day and says he only wants to talk to her and nobody else (romantically speaking).
When my mom started to question her choices she asked for my honest opinion and I gave it, which led to a huge talk and good things, as well as to her deciding more firmly what she does and does not want right now. But she's still talking to that guy and I am not succeeding in feeling okay with it in my heart.
@gentleEast8898
Hello there, East. I can understand your concern for your mother. It sounds like you're a very good child to your mother and that this situation has brought some feelings for you. It does sound a bit concerning but sometimes older adults do not want to waste time when getting into relationships. How is this man that she is dating? Have you met him?
@HopieRemi Thank you for your kind insight. She did mention what you pointed out, actually - that she is concerned about waiting at this stage of her life. This is something I have to be respectful of. So much of this is tied up into my own grief as well, and we talked through that. I am stepping back a bit and just giving her space to breathe around this issue. But I do think the man is being quite disrespectful of my father's memory for pushing my mother into exclusivity and constant talks. Nonetheless, there is nothing more that we have yet to discuss, she and I, we have talked about all our feelings more than once, so I have to work on my own and let what happens, happen. Probably it will all turn out just fine. Oh, to answer your question, I have not yet met him. I will be polite if I do, but I wish she would pump the brakes.
Even so, thank you very much for taking some time to reach out to me; that means quite a lot. Best wishes to you.
@gentleEast8898
Hey there. You're welcome. I am glad that you have been able to discuss with your mother and that you are going to take a step back for yourself and allowing her some breathing room as well. I can understand your distaste as your grief is fresh and in your perspective, this new man who you have yet to meet is ignoring the fact that your mother is a new widow. You are right, usually, these things turn out fine. Your mother is lucky to have your concern. And hopefully, if you do meet him, you can all have an honest open conversation. And of course, you're welcome. Best wishes to you as well, dear.
Realistically, when you date a single mother it is the same as dating her family too since you are an extension of her flesh and blood. It's great you spoke to your mother honestly and if you feel uncomfortable, it may mean taking a more active role in getting to know people as they enter her life so you can keep your lines of communication open while also working on opening up your heart - your mother has her own healing process to go through and everyone wants love. She likely also wants a good man who you will have a good relationship with as well.
This coming from a possibly single mother of a newborn who is considering if I will date again if my partner leaves me like he plans to...
I hope you find peace along with your mother! Sorry for your loss and I wish you both love and joy.
@habbymama I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some very difficult changes. I wish you all the best as that transition takes place, which must leave you with so many emotions. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, I will have to get along with anyone my mother becomes serious about and I do remind myself that this is such a common scenario for anyone whose parents are no longer together, for one reason or another. Still, there are things that are sitting so wrong with me about all this. It feels very specifically wrong in this case, rather than being a difficult transition overall. I am going to work hard on my own inner life about this and trust that my mother knows what she is doing and be respectful. It's not easy, but that's what I have to do!
Many thanks and my very best wishes to you.
@gentleEast8898 It sounds like this is a really rough situation with you and you are dealing with a lot. It's good that you recognize that she has to make her own choices. I am sure you are also grieving a lot and in a lot of pain over your dad. Maybe just focusing on your own path to healing and perhaps grief counseling could help the situation with your mom feel less threatening to you.
@Daydreamer47 Thank you so much for your understanding and your true empathy. It does lighten the burden, and I am so appreciative. I hope that you receive the wonderful support you have given me. Yes, it has been a difficult time and I agree with you - I have to just focus on my path because she needs love and comfort so much right now that her judgment is erring, I believe (he asked her to pick him up from the airport as the first time they meet and she is okay with that....?!). If not for 7 Cups, I would be emotionally collapsing right now, because my mother and I are usually each other's top confidantes. But, I know that situations seem worse than they are when you're right in the middle of them. This too shall pass.
Many, many thanks to you for your kindness and listening ear. All my best wishes to you.