Dealing with in-law family members
I really don’t know what to do right now. My husband’s brothers family is a total mess. His brother and his wife are total slobs and live in squalor with their 2 daughters. They have both always been very lazy and never cleaned their house and the kids have grown in a house that is always very messy and dirty, rubbish and food scraps everywhere, urine stained sheets being left on children’s beds, piles of children’s clothes on the floor soaked with cat urine etc.. His brother has always worked long shifts and his wife has stayed at home with the kids. Since they were toddlers both children have been left unsupervised since as the mother sleeps during the day. It has always been blamed on his wife’s depression. Fast forward to now when their 12yo daughter has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder level 2-3. Last time we saw her in October this year her hair was completely matted and infested with lice, her body is also infested with lice as far down as her legs which were covered in red bite marks. She was staying at her grandmother’s and was refusing to shower or get out of bed. She wasn’t communicating with anyone and just ignored everyone. She has not attended school for the last half of the year. Letters have been sent home and programs been set up by the school to help with re-engaging her with school but to no avail. There is no supervision of her in the morning after her father departs for work with her sister (around 8am) as her mother is asleep in the house until mid morning. Therefore, she has no support transitioning from home to school, which she is expected to catch public transport to school alone. She therefore just stays in the house after her father has departed and is still there when her mother wakes up. She makes no effort to ensure she goes to school. My and my husbands concern is obviously that basic care is not being met by either parent and at this point she is being neglected as there is no support around attending school, adequate health care/personal care or support for her additional needs. My husband and his other brother have talked to his brother about it and offered support but nothing has changed. Over many years they have been given loads and loads of practical and financial support also. I’ve previously worked in a position of mandatory reporting and I’m in a moral dilemma about what to do. If I make an anonymous report and it ends up get used to support having the child/ren removed from their care, is the alternative going to be any better or worse? What can we possibly do right now to help those kids?
@lightHuman1618
Honestly in that situation i am
#1 surprised no one else has reported and
#2 shows the so called safety measure of schools reporting or social services getting involved.
I think if faced with a sense of reality that the situation is NOT healthy or good for anyone let alone a child that may need some special attention. Some people seem reluctant to pull their head out of their you know what until faced with a deadline or inspection.... they know so far family has been while not happy still reluctant to turn them in .... I have seen many who have gave financial support or even cleaned and tried to fix but enough should be enough .... you may have doubts but you probably will regret it later if their situation continues to affect those girls.
Thanks so much for replying. Apparently the school has been building a case and told them that she need to be sighted every 10 days or a social worker would be sent to the home to do a check. So apparently the mother has been driving her in every 10 days to press the buzzer on the intercom and say hi to the office ladies and then goes straight back home. This, in my opinion, is pathetic. It again enables minimal effort from her mother to provide her with an education. They say she refuses to do any schoolwork at home so she sits on a screen all day. Apparently a social worker has been to the house this week so waiting to hear what they say.
Yes, you’re absolutely right. Family have tried helping them by cleaning their house for them, looking after their kids for them so they can do it themselves, buying them things, “lending” them huge amounts of money to eg. start a business, buy a car which is of course never paid back. They want to have to change, no one’s going to change if they don’t want to and they clearly don’t.
I’m just in a tricky position as it my husband’s family and I’m very much an outsider. He says he’s dealing with his brother the way he knows he will be receptive but come on, enough was enough a long time ago. Everyone in their family has really bad communication skills. It’s like they are all too scared to upset them. I don’t get it, they are grown *** adults that need a huge kick up the butt!
We will be seeing them at Christmas so it’s going to be interesting to see how it all goes.
@lightHuman1618
my hope is they will see the light but it is sad the school cannot be more interactive or see through a ploy on once every 10 days. etc I totally get as the in law you are the outsider but in 20/20 hindsight your husbands family will see kicking the can down the road was very ineffective and perhaps it went past where it can be salvages
I’m just so sad that it’s had to get to this point. It is a particularly sore point for me as my 9yo son has Down syndrome and my 6yo
daughter is also autistic so I’ve been down the road of diagnosis and early intervention. Their daughter has shown clear signs of being autistic since she was very young but they chose not to investigate further and get her support. They’d always, she’s just quirky. Now that her symptoms are so bad they have been forced to get her diagnosed but have not made any effort passed that to get her the support she needs. They have had the forms for the ndis application for months and haven’t submitted it yet. It takes months to get approval for funding and then you have to wait on waitlists for services. The mother is all about getting sympathy for having a child with a disability now, posting on social media about how hard it is. Yes it’s hard but you have to put on your big girl pants and do what’s best for your child!!!! Grrrrrrr!!!
@lightHuman1618
This sounds incredibly painful to have witnessed over the years. It sounds like everyone in that household is struggling.
I think you are spot on with calling it neglect. From what you described, it seems the parents are not able to take care of their kids. It doesn't really matter why or how it got this bad, that's just the reality of the present situation.
The hygiene matters alone, in both the house and on a personal level, are enough to conclude the environment is not safe for those kids. I understand the dilemma of being family and not wanting to make the situation even worse.
But consider this: the kids are in a crucial developmental period. Even putting aside the lack of autism support, developmental trauma intertwines w kids' development in an irreversible way that is extremely enduring and difficult to cope with later in life. My mom grew up in an abusive household and has CPTSD and I have dated four partners who had that condition as well. Their personalities are inseparable from their symptoms.
Unlike instances of PTSD later in life--say you survived a mass shooting or something--there is no "you" from before the trauma with CPTSD. For the people I've known with it, it has been crippling invarious ways to live with the damage to interpersonal trust, enduring and self-defeating maladaptive coping techniques, and the physiological aspects (increased startle response, body/emotional flashbacks, etc).
I have utmost sympathy for your position. And it must be especially painful, given you can see it through the eyes of a trained mandated reporter. But imagine you weren't related. Those kids deserve a chance. I can't give you any specific advice, but it seems things will continue to get worse unless something changes.
I really hope you are getting adequate support for yourself. This situation sounds truly horrible.
It is a truly horrible situation for all concerned. That is what I’m most worried about. She has had zero support around even the most basic human needs let alone the other challenges she faces on top of that. I’ve had an update this morning that the mother had a meeting with the social worker yesterday and they are going to be meeting with them at the home again with them in the new year and they have requested that the father be present for that meeting. So, as my husband warned them, it looks as though things are moving towards possibly being forced to make changes.
Thanks so much for “tough” and “orange” for responding. It’s the first post I’ve ever made and it has helped a lot being able to vent to someone other than hubby. It’s awkward when it’s not your family.
@lightHuman1618
In my view, everyone needs a place to receive safe support outside their main relationship/family. Happy to be part of yours in this thread.
Thank you xx
@lightHuman1618
You are very welcome
Just thought I’d post an update. We saw the family on Christmas Day. The daughter still has nits in her hair and it was a matted mess rolled up in a towel on her head. She was very pale and could not make eye contact or respond when spoken to. She had a turn in her eye which she has always had when nervous. She did not participate in anything anyone else was doing even after gentle attempts at inclusion by others. She sat with her head buried in her phone the entire time, around 5hrs. The father said, oh well at least she hasn’t slept the whole day today. The mother informed us that she had not attended school regularly since June this year and that she hasn’t showered in months as it now hurts her body as she has sores all over her. She was wearing long pants and long sleeves. All this absolutely broke my heart. I was definitely set on reporting by then but someone has already done it for me apparently. They told us that they had several reports forwarded from the school and complaints by neighbours to the police who have been around to the house to do welfare checks. The reports have now been passed on to a caseworker and they are having mandatory weekly home visits from now on, in which all family members will need to be in attendance. This is exactly what my husband warned his brother would happen but he made no attempts to change. I feel somewhat relieved that they will now be held accountable to a third party. Hopefully they can assist them get the help they need, especially their kids. Maybe this is exactly what they need as they have not taken on any responsibility of their own accord to parent their kids. Nothing anyone in the family has said to them has had any effect. Maybe if it comes from someone else they may finally act.
@lightHuman1618
I feel really sad hearing about your niece's current condition. Sounds like your head and heart were in the right place if multiple other people already reported and services are getting involved. And I'm guessing it's a relief to see something being done without having to get tangled up firsthand in any family messiness around reporting.
Yes indeed. I just wanted to site her myself first before reporting as it had been a long time since I had seen her. I’m so relieved that her needs are finally being addressed and also not having to get involved personally. I’ll keep in touch with her grandmother to check on any progress. Fingers crossed there will be good news to come. Baby steps I guess.
No disrespect intended, but maybe they need axkick in the pants to get moving! You take care of YOURSELF and Your family! Dontvstees out. K?
Sit him down and say, "Jim, we are concerned about you. Tell us what is going on. How can we help?" Take note of the kids. No one should live like that. If it comes down to it, call DCFS. Just have proof when you call about the surroundings, the kids, house. lice and what not. Take pictures.
@PhylomenaD1965
Please read the full thread. OP mentioned the family has already been given much practical and financial support, to no effect. And the situation has already been reported at this point.
@orangeTree959
And this has resulted in mandatory weekly visits from a caseworker.
Thank you very much.
You care for the well-being of your niece and nephew. It is clear there is a problem and you and your husband have already tried to help. It is heartbreaking witnessing a situation like this a feeling like there is little you can do as so much is out of your control. As a mandated reporter I also fear I might make the child's situation worse by making the call. The system is so broken and it can be hard to trust that if you do make the call the children will get the support they need. I am sorry you are going through this, it may feel hopeless and I's heartbreaking. My hope is that you come to a decision on what to do that you can be at peace with. My hope is those children get the support they need.
@lightHuman1618 Friendship and steadfastness are of the essence now regardless of whether you push the "help us" button.
The greatest need is real love now. If you always provide that with visits and calls and letters and teddy bears and more assurance than you can imagine right now...things will work out.
The "help me" button is always working. Its there for a good reason. GODSPEED to you, I am going to be thinking of you every minute till you come back and talk some more, please don't forget I am here...and I know between both of you 2, she will be ok. AMEN!!