Anxiety begets Anxiety
Hello all, this is my first time posting. I honestly didn't know this place existed until I stumbled on it during a web search. That being said, I'll get right too it. I am married to a woman who has General Anxiety Disorder. I've met several people over the years that have GAD, but hers is one of the more severe cases. She regularly sees a therapist and is on medication. However, from what I've read, people with more severe cases either get clingy or they move into avoidance. In her case it is avoidance. She rarely talks with me. She doesn't love human contact and veers away from it. She doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed, or sit next to her on the couch. For the most part I have been able to cope. The real problem is that her anxiety symptoms seem a lot like someone who is emotionally disconnected, it is a red flag in the relationship, and so I just live my life with red flags blaring in my ears constantly. Recently, two of our close friends started having marital problems. I won't go into a lot of details, but my wife has been having a lot of conversations with the husband. In the end, my guess is that they will be able to fix their marriage, and my wife is truly only trying to help a friend. However, over the last two weeks, it is enough to send me over the top. I say this, because among all my other insecurities and red flags in the relationship, now I am dealing with her talking for long periods of time with another man who is having marital problems, all the while I barely get two words out of her. The other day I completely broke down, the anxiety got to me, I couldn't help it. When I looked to her for assurance and help, I got the cold shoulder, it's not her fault, my anxiety heightens her anxiety and she is barely hanging on. Anyway, my brain is whirling. I've been married to her for over 15 years, and for the first time, I think I am going to seek therapy. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, to realize I've reached this point. Being so new here I don't know what to expect, answer, don't answer, I just needed to say something, and I don't want to set her anxiety off in the process. Thanks for reading.
Well, as promised, here's an update. It's done. The rollercoaster is over in a sense. My ex wife signed papers and we were officially divorced about a week ago. That being said, we have pretty much lived as if divorced since she left 3 months ago. In that regard, not much has changed. Emotionally, I am better, I know I am not 100% but I am a lot closer than I would have thought possible. My therapist has been very pleased with the progress but is still working with me through some emotional abuse material. My ex is still looking for a house/apartment and has one but won't be able to move it for a little bit yet. Once that happens, we will have a more week on week off schedule with the kids. In my free time I have been working on the bedroom. She moved all her furniture out and I was able to get different stuff from a thrift store, it's not brand new, but with a little paint, it looks fine to me. I've been able to sleep on a real bed the last two night in the master bedroom of the house, first time in over 4 years.
@happychipmunk
Hello! Please read the quotes below:
"She loves me, but is not in love with me (?????), and never has been. She also added that she really has no problem with people touching her, it is just me, there is something about me that she simply can't stand. She says she has battled these feelings for our entire marriage, and she feels exhausted and just done."
"I have lived for 1.5 decades in a lie that is coming unraveled. "
"I loved her though she would never hug me, or sit by me, or talk to me."
I hate to say it, but it seems quite clear to me that she slimply does not like you, much less love you.
In the meantime you seem to keep excusing her for her being (excuse me my bluntness) disgusted with you.
The more you try to fix this relationship, the worse it will be. You come out as being too needy, too clingy, too dependent.
If you have any hope of recoveing this marriage, you should work with your therapist to develop a certain level of independence from her.
THE MORE EXCUSES YOU FIND FOR HER (anxiety, etc...), the worse it will be. The problem does not lie with her anxiety, it lies with you. You need to work towards a minimum healthy distancing from her. Work on self assurance and developing a stronger spine/backbone in order to stop being so desperate, needy and clingy.
I do realize this is much easier said than felt.
@almostold Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I agree with most of what you said. And while the marriage is officially over, I do still work toward a certain level of independence. However, realize that even independence would not have saved the marriage, and in some regard became part of the issue. Listening to all that she said to me, an the excuses I made to distance myself caused her to feel alone. Now, this was something she demanded in the end, but it became the problem that she addressed with my friend and not with me. I am an independent person, however, no relationship is meant to be like what that was. Her anxiety was not the problem, but it was the excuse she used. Anyway, I just wanted to give an update. Thanks for taking your time.
@happychipmunk
After I posted, I went over what I had written and felt that maybe I was too harsh. If you felt that, please forgive me for it was not intended to be harsh. Anyhow, afterwards I did notice that things had evolved to a divorce, so my post was way too out of touch with current realities.
I sincerely hope you find a new love and are capable of developing a, perhaps, more healthy relationship.
Will be glad to help with whatever means I have available.
Cheers!
@happychipmunk
Hey happy. Looks like things are becoming more stable for you.
The first time you've slept in a bed for 4 years? O my. So that is an obvious upgrade. I know this will all make for logistic gymnastics with the kids but I believe this is better than having them live in a situation that is not loving... one you would never want them to model. I'm so proud of your courage and strength to face all this head on and deal with it. Your life is going to start being more positive every day. Yes, you may still mourn for the past, but better things are ahead. Do what you have to do. Even cry if that helps you deal with the hurt. And of course working with your therapist is very helpful. So glad you've developed a therapeutic relationship to help you through this.
You are on the right track!! Keep on, keeping on. 👍❤️😊 (((hugs)))
I honestly don't know if my updates help anyone else, but in case they do, in case someone stumbles upon them and finds them helpful I will give an update. It has been a long time since I updated this post, and who knows maybe I thought I wouldn't have to, but here it goes.
After the divorce, things went well, I had a great group of friends that were there to help me. I continued to do the best I could with what I had and what I could. Some of my friends went so far as to say I let her walk on me even in the divorce, I gave her plenty of time to get her stuff, and even now much of it is in the garage. I have tried my best to balance trying not to be mean unnecessarily and making sure that I have a backbone when necessary.
As time has moved on my ex and her new lover have tried to reconnect with their old friends. At first it wasn't very successful, but over the months they have made a lot of headway. While I try hard not to hold such things against anyone, these are all the same people that have been my support network over the last several months. As they all start hanging out with my ex again, I am left alone. They all still talk with me, they tell me that they keep the conversation away from the events and still think that I did nothing wrong, but they hang out with them more than me, by far, some of them I have not seen in months, while they hang out with them several times a week. While that goes on, my ex and her lover have continued to get more and more bold. They are making sure they are seen everywhere they go now. On top of that they have tried to reinsert themselves into my life as well through various events. I understand that since we have kids involved, they are going to want to be a part of the kids' lives however, the way they have decided to go about it feels very much like they are simply trying to cause as much pain as possible. Instead of taking their seats they will hover around where I am knowing that I have to bite my tongue, or force people in a manner of speaking to give in to their demands. (For instance, they will use the fact that others are allowed to hover anywhere they want until the show starts, therefore, to ask them to sit down while not asking others is putting an unfair burden on them, therefore forcing the hand of those in charge.)
This has created a lot of tense moments and is already starting to splinter the friends I had. The other spouse that is involved has also lost her friends in the mix. It is hard, and yet, I get it. My ex and her lover are happy, they have what they want, they talk about fun and exciting things and are not caught up in the past year as I am. As I move forward it is a struggle, but I will get by a day at a time.
I still go to therapy every other week and that has been good for me to process all of this. I have always looked at the divorces of others like a day on the map, now I am realizing it is simply the center of an explosion that sends ripples throughout your life. We are quickly coming up on the year anniversary of the first ripple I felt in June, I am hopeful that with that anniversary, I will finally begin to actually feel better in a more permanent way, but even my therapist has alerted me that it might not be that simple and these things just take time. Anyway, there ya have it, and I don't know if this helps anyone else going through this, but here's the story of my life.