Vent
Hi all!
just need to vent a bit if that’s ok. I’ve been in a relapse for quite a while now. I work with an amazing therapist and dietician, and am beginning to work with a new psychiatrist for med management. She has a reputation of being wonderful at med management because she doesn’t chase symptoms and tries to find the least amount of medications that will work. My last psych kept piling on the meds, which I hated.
Last week I purged the fewest amount of times I have in months, and I was feeling proud of myself. Then I had an appointment with the new psych and she wasn’t impressed. She said that I needed to stop purging altogether IMMEDIATELY. I’ve only met with her 3 times, but there’s always this underlying threat that she’ll terminate if I don’t do exactly what she tells me.
I mean, if I could just stop cold turkey I would? I’m not doing this for fun. I wanted to tell her to grow her hair 10 inches IMMEDIATELY. I always walk away from our appointments feeling bad and guilty, and it takes both my dietician and therapist to pull me out of the shame ditch.
Not really asking for anything. Just wanted to share with a group that would understand. Thanks for reading.
@mich765
First, congratulations on purging the fewest number of times that you have in months! That is awesome. You are right - it takes a lot hard work, energy and understanding what is going on to stop the purging. It's not something that typically is just stopped. I actually can't think of anyone I've met who has just stopped because they decided to and willed it to stop.
Working with your professionals is exactly what is needed. I'm sorry that your psychiatrist doesn't understand and get it. Would your therapist consider reaching out if he/she hasn't done so already to educate your psychiatrist or to advocate on your behalf?
Thank you for reaching out here. You deserve to be heard, and I'm hearing you. Keep doing what you are doing. Clearly it is working because there is a decrease in your purging currently. Also, regarding the shame, it belong to the psychiatrist, not you!
@KristenHR thank you so much for your kind support. It’s been 7 days since purging, and ironically that makes me doubt myself. Like, could I do it all along and stop anytime I wanted but I was too stubborn? It’s things like this that make me even doubt that I have a “real” ED, and I’ve just tricked everyone into thinking I have.
I do believe my therapist is going to reach out to the psychiatrist as she had me sign a release form today. I meet with my therapist on Wednesday and hope to be still doing well by then, and I want to talk to her about the imposter syndrome regarding my ED.
I appreciate your response and your words of wisdom. Glad you’re here!
@mich765
Just because you are doing well, doesn't make you an imposter.
Eating disorders behaviors are the coping skills for what is under them. You're not an imposter... you're trying to deal with whatever it is that has been going on, and you are trying to find better ways to cope.
Do you think that fits? I think it's a great topic to discuss with your therapist when you see here. Nothing wrong with your feelings, but just because you (or any one of us) might feel something, doesn't make it truth.
Keep up the good work and congratulations on your time.
@KristenHR yes I would agree with that. The behaviors may stop but the thoughts are still there. I was in a year long program where I didn’t purge, but I never dealt the the real issues behind the behavior. I was a “dry drunk” in the eating disorder sense, and because of that it was easy to relapse.
Will definitely be talking with my therapist about this. Thank you for all your help!