Hi. Just a little venting 😊

Hi everyone. I'm new to this ED thing. I just want to share my story. I have been bullied my whole life for being fat, which led me to hate myself and I started hurting myself. It went on for 5 years and I was so good at faking happiness so nobody would find out what I was doing. It has gotten worse over the years. Last year things had gotten better, I fully recovered from self harm. I lost a lot of weight. People started treating me differently, boys were attracted to me, I was more confident and was feeling so good about myself, I started loving myself. As all those good stuff kept growing, do did the fear of getting back to my old weight, I feel sick even thinking about it because I don't want to feel like that ever again. I don't want to hate myself like I used to, because to be perfectly honest, I would not have survive this time. In order to keep my current weight I started purging intentionally after meal. I thought it's okay because I only purged unhealthy food... It's not, it's so wrong, my whole body hurts. I hate it, but I hate going back to hating myself even more. I'm scared, non of my friends or family knows about this and I don't wanna worry them because they can't help or understand, I have to deal with it on my own. I now I'm strong and that I can do it because I survived worse, but I still feel so alone and scared.

Keep trying to help yourself guys, I'm so proud of all of you!❤️