Accountability thread - October 7th - 13th

Hello everyone,

First of all, here’s the link for the post of the new week: https://www.7cups.com/forum/eds/General_2454/AccountabilitythreadOctober14th20th_338453/

Now, let me tell you how I "wrapped up" the past week.

On Friday evening, after work, I went out to dinner with my colleagues. I spent what felt like forever reading the menu, trying to find something I liked that was also light, but with no luck. From the restaurant’s selection, there was really nothing I liked, except for a dish with grilled vegetables and mozzarella – basically the saddest dish low-quality restaurants offer to vegetarians because they don't actually know how to make anything decent.

When it came time to order, one of my colleagues decided to get pizza (she was also undecided until the last minute), and as soon as I heard she had the courage to go for pizza, I jumped on the bandwagon and ordered one too. If none of my colleagues had ordered pizza, I wouldn’t have done it either.

It’s unbelievable—and sad—how much I let myself be influenced by others' choices. Even when there’s something I want to eat, I won’t do it if it seems too heavy or like something only "fat people" would order, unless someone else at the table chooses the same.

In theory, everyone is free to eat what they want, and we shouldn’t be influenced by others nor influence others. In theory… But unfortunately, that’s not how my mind works.

Anyway, I ate the pizza, and it was quite heavy (I had never been to that pizzeria before, so I didn’t know what to expect), and the next day I felt a bit guilty. Of course, I reduced my food intake a bit the following day, but without going overboard, because I always have my Sunday run, and I don’t want to be low on energy or face any issues.

Saturday wasn’t particularly eventful, aside from those slight meal reductions, but nothing extreme.

On Sunday morning, I went for my run, and I hit a new personal record, running 13 km. I’m really happy with how it went—I felt good, and I can see progress, so it was all positive. I even ate a little cookie at the first refreshment station, a small but significant step. Especially because I ate it knowing full well what awaited me for lunch... But at that moment, I just wanted to focus on my run and give my body the right fuel to complete it in the best way possible.

For lunch, we went to a restaurant with all the members of our running club. On the agenda was the club’s closing assembly, followed by lunch. Unfortunately, in recent years, our club has seen a decline in membership, with fewer people interested in competitive races and more people only interested in non-competitive walks, which has led to a drop in revenue. Additionally, there have been changes in the rules for sports clubs, meaning that those in leadership positions can only be re-elected a certain number of times. Most of the board needed to be replaced, but no members stepped forward to take on those roles. So, we realized it was time to end this chapter, and the members will split off into other clubs that suit their preferences better.

Aside from the boring bureaucratic part, there was this restaurant lunch. The menu was fixed (and already paid for) by the club, and everything was very good, but also much heavier and more calorie-dense than what I would normally eat…

I was sitting with my husband and my parents, as they are also part of the running club. While my husband knows about my anorexia, my parents have absolutely no idea, and I behaved at the table like someone who is perfectly healthy. I ate everything, including dessert, without doing anything that would suggest I was struggling with the food…

I didn’t have dinner that evening, but neither did my husband, as he said he was still full from lunch. We just sipped some herbal tea together. But even if I had been hungry, I know I would’ve stopped myself from eating. And already today, I see myself as fatter than I did the days before (even though I know that’s not possible).

Now, I need to try and get back to my normal routine, even though it won’t be easy. On top of that, next week I have my appointment with the dietician, and I already woke up last night thinking about it, worrying that I better not have gained any weight by the time of the check-up...

Gosh, it really feels like I’m stuck in a loop where I take one step forward and one step back, and nothing ever changes in my head!