Accountability thread - October 7th - 13th
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 @orangeSpruce9113 @ClaraRoseDreamer and @Sweetdisposition6571 and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
Weekend went well. Saturday morning was chilly for a run! But felt rather nice as well. Solid workouts and runs.
Saturday I went out to watch my nephew play baseball and then we went out to eat. It was a buffet I had been to before and I wasn't expecting much. My family is aware that I watch my diet, so I just opted for the salad bar, mostly because of cost, and I told myself that when I get home I can have the protein I wanted. No one commented or mentioned anything, the important thing was being with family and celebrating my nephew, whose birthday is this week.
Sunday was just a relaxing day. I almost slept in and didn't work out, but I decided to anyway and am glad I did. I just felt so much better afterwards. It wasn't an "extreme" workout or anything, but just my daily "win".
Both nights I went to bed at a good time and without a purge/binge. Continuing to note this has been helpful when ED kicks in in the evenings. I just remind myself how much better I'll feel in the morning, and all day.
Monday
Continuing to challenge myself with my workouts and noting that I'm able to do a few more reps and higher weights. I'm proud of myself for this, and for waking up refreshed. ED brain wanted me to go out last night, but I just watched random videos on *** and passed the time.
I've been feeling better overall, more motivated, and most notably ED brain isn't as bad.
One thing I just wish I had, more friends and connections. I'm looking into some board game groups and other activities around me. I'd look into some fitness groups, but the classes are always out of my schedule or too expensive.
Just some added thoughts.
Overall a great start to the week. Oh and thanks to you all here for helping me feel some sense of connection, even if it isn't in-person, it really helps <3
Hi @Phoenix22k
It's awesome how you managed to focus on being with your family at the buffet, instead of focusing too much on food. Sometimes just enjoying the company of our loved ones is all that matters.
And you managed to do the right choices, and balance them with protein once back home, so I'd say this was 100% a huge win!
I completely understand what you mean about wanting more friends and connections. I think it’s great that you’re looking into board game groups and other activities—finding the right community can make such a difference. Even though fitness classes might not work with your schedule or budget, it’s awesome that you’re still exploring new ways to connect with others. And hey, we’re all here for you too! I know it’s not the same as in-person, but this space really does help build a sense of connection, and I’m grateful for that too.
Unknowingly, your message is inspiring me a little.
In my town, there’s a small group of people who meet up a couple of evenings a week to go running. There are different levels of speed/fitness, but I’ve always felt inferior to them, even just to give it a try. And then, I’m not very good at making friends or engaging in those small, somewhat empty conversations that people have out of politeness... Not to mention that I like to work out early in the morning, whereas they meet in the evenings.
However, on Sunday, I saw them at my run and I found out I had overtaken a girl from that group because she was running slower than me. And they mentioned I should joined them again.
And now that it’s winter and getting cold, maybe going out in the evening instead of at dawn could be better. Plus, having company instead of running alone...
I don’t know, Phoenix, what do you think? If you were in my shoes, would you give it a try? Do you think it would be useful to make new friends?
I am sorry I turned this on me (again) but your message really inspired me...
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hey turtle! Thanks for all the kindness and support :)
Me, I'm okay with talking to strangers and chatting, its more of the "real" relationships that I find hard. Largely too because most of the people I generally interact with we don't have much else in common.
I feel very much the same with fitness groups. I work out early and "get in my reps" before most people are even awake... but I genuinely enjoy doing that and it carries me through my day. The thought of then joining an exercise group and getting another workout in, while it would be nice to meet others, I'm normally spent.
I have looked into running groups near me too! There are a few but it would be a 30 min drive to get to them.
I think you'd be surprised with how well you fit in. You do a great job at running as it is! Since you also know they are welcome to newer runners, from what you saw, I think it would be a good idea to check out. You could always go for a run or two and "feel it out". If they have a bookface group (the other is blocked here) perhaps you can see if they have events they do regularly.
Oh and I never feel like you are making my "posts" about you! If anything I do the same thing when I respond to you :) It is just nice to share our similar thoughts and behaviors.
Hi everyone,
A Monday of rest from sports after Sunday’s run. Even though I don’t admit it to anyone, with you I feel like I can let my guard down a bit, so I can admit that I still find these workouts tough. The day after the long Sunday run, I always have to dedicate it to resting and trying to recover, especially because for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling my right ankle a bit stiff/locked and my right calf aching. In fact, while I was writing to you, I just decided to call my physiotherapist to ask him if he can take a look at it because I don’t want this discomfort to get worse and force me to stop.
I wonder if this difficulty in recovering from training is due to my diet, since in the past 10 days I’ve been training a bit less because of bad weather, so my body should have had the chance to recover its strength... Who knows!
Anyway, going back to Monday’s update, I ate about 90% of the correct amounts. It’s always fats and carbs that give me a bit more trouble, even though I make up for the carbs with fruit and vegetables… Anyway, these past few days seem to be going a little better, and hitting 90% is already a good achievement for me.
In the evening, I felt bloated, but I did everything I could to keep telling myself that it was just a sensation and that it was probably due to what I had eaten (a type of vegetable that probably bloats me more than others).
I hope your Monday was positive too, and I wish you all a fantastic week, hoping it brings you only good things.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Sounds like a nice Monday indeed! Sorry to hear about the ankle discomfort. I'm not a doctor, and I know for sure I work out when I should give myself rest... but sounds like it might just be a tight muscle/group of muscles. I'm not sure if you stretch regularly but maybe try looking some calf/ankle stretches to help loosen it back up.
The colder weather also has a part I would think! It has been really chilly in my mornings and I can feel my bones/joints not enjoying that as much... I don't run nearly as far as 13k on a regular so at that distance it would have a bigger impact. See what your Dr says of course!
Reaching the 90% goal for your meals is also a win. I think also you may be closer than what you think to 100% with the little things you add in here and there. I think part of us also, is afraid to ever admit we hit 100%. I know I do that regularly. I have a great workout, hit higher weights, push myself, but only rate it a 4/5.
The dreadful "bloating" sensation. Annoying and I feel it too! But as you said, it is just a sensation, and it will pass :)
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
I'm responding here to both of your last messages at once...
Regarding the running group, thank you for your support and feedback. It's a small group of friends from my village. It's not really an official running team, with a social media page or anything. As far as I know, they’ve set two days (Tuesday and Thursday) and a meeting time, and "whoever is there, is there." So it's a pretty relaxed thing...
I might give it a try. If I do, you’ll be the first to get my detailed report!
As for my ankle, right after writing the message, I called my physiotherapist, and he gave me an appointment for this morning. It was a bit painful, but he loosened the joint and told me that my right calf is shorter than my left one (probably due to the hip malformation, which over the years has caused me to walk unevenly between my right and left legs, so one calf developed better than the other). With a smaller range of motion compared to the other calf, it makes my ankle move a bit less, and during times of higher tension or training, it can cause these minor issues.
Anyway, nothing serious—I'm already doing all the right things (warming up, stretching, etc.), and I just need to keep it up. I know these little setbacks happen from time to time, but I have an amazing team of a physiotherapist and coach who always know how to get me back on my feet! I just need to “convince” myself to make the appointment and get it sorted.
Tuesday 10/8
Got some extra sleep last night and had a good morning. I have forgotten to share some other recent "mini" wins.
Back in June, and before, I used to make it a point to always be doing extra exercise throughout the day. Before lunch, pushups, when I was bored, pushups. Or lunges, or crunches, or something. I used to do a little mini routine before I ate lunch. I have since stopped all of that. I was afraid before it would cause dramatic weight gain, or something, but it was just miserable always feeling like I "had to burn" calories constantly. While I workout in the morning and aim to get around 7k steps at a minimum, I stopped the others.
Additionally, after each workout I would always do a handstand. (partially showing off here :p ) but through my yoga sessions I always thought it was so cool. So I can do a handstand and hold it for a minute. I used to make it a goal to hold for 2 minutes and set a timer. It was tough, but I could do it. I never felt my workout was "complete" until I marked that off.
My wrist had been hurting quite a bit, for several months. The last few weeks I cut the handstand goal back to one minute. Within those weeks, I now notice my wrist feels much better. So, cutting out the crazy pushups, the extra handstand, ect. My wrist feels better.
On top of that, my general lifting hasn't suffered, and contrary to ED brain... I haven't gained any significant weight. So... I have been "cutting back" in a sense.
Anyway... the day went by well. I had a great night's rest, and I just feel so much better in the evenings/afternoons.
ED brain is still a bit active when I get home, but I'm finding some more joy in other things. Mainly I just keep praising myself, even for the tiniest little victories.
So another good day in the books. Relaxing here until dinner then video calling my nephew for his 8th birthday:)
Have a nice evening/day everyone!
@Phoenix22k
Wow, it's so great to read about all your progress and mini victories! It's really a sign of strength to recognize that you don't need to constantly exercise to "burn" calories or feel at peace. It seems like listening to your body is bringing positive results, like with the improvement in your wrist pain. I really admire you for scaling back your workout routines without giving in to weight-related anxiety, which is definitely not easy!
And congrats on being able to do a headstand! That’s truly amazing! I don’t think I could even get into position... How do you do it? Do you use a wall for support? What are the first steps to give it a try?
I really admire how you're able to praise yourself for the little victories. You're such an inspiration to me!
I hope the video call with your nephew was enjoyable. 8 years is a big milestone for the little ones, it's an age when they start feeling all grown up... What did you get him, uncle?
@Turtleonmyleftarm
So I've tried responding to this post several times now and for some reason it keeps saying "error" so maybe this time it will work?
@Phoenix22k
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thanks turtle! I'm trying to recognize my "mini" victories more and am pleased with how cutting back is actually helping me progress.
For my handstand, I go from crow pose right to handstand. It is a rather challenging move, but I found it more comfortable than using a wall actually. You could probably search up videos of the move.
The chat was really nice! My parents joined as well. I got him a new video game, one that we can both play online together! It is great seeing them grow up and that they have similar interests that I did as a kid (and still do!)
PS. I had a longer post made... but for some reason it wouldn't post so sorry if it seems short and blunt!
Hi everyone,
Here’s my Tuesday 8th update.
I had planned to go to the gym during my lunch break, so even though I woke up super early (because my husband went out for a run), I used those early hours to do some stretching for my stiff ankle/calf and tidy up the house a bit.
However, as soon as I arrived at the office, I got a message from my personal trainer saying he was sick and asking if we could reschedule today’s session.
I’m a very structured and precise person. When I plan my day a certain way and something goes wrong, I tend to see those little hiccups as bigger problems than they really are. But yesterday, I told myself, “Okay, no big deal. These things happen! Poor guy, he’s sick—it’s not his fault!” So I thought, “I’ll just go home for lunch and work out there. Or I’ll do it this evening. Or I won’t! The world won’t end.”
In the end, it turned out to be a calm morning at the office, and I managed to leave on time, do a quick workout at home during lunch—just like I would have at the gym. I ate, went back to work, and proved to myself that things don’t always have to go exactly as planned, but there’s always a way to adapt or find a solution.
As for my eating, I’d say I stayed at around 90%. Maybe even higher, considering I’m still overindulging in milk foam —it’s becoming a bit of an addiction…
I hope your day is going well and is filled with lots of joy and good things!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Way to bounce back after the change in your schedule! I (as usual) can relate.
I think it was wise to take the morning to do some extra stretches and take care of your ankle. I'm glad you got some details from your Dr. about it! Really interesting about your different sized calves/muscles, and I can see how that can act up from time to time. Overall, I say its amazing how much you are able to do despite this and I'm glad it does not impede you too much!
Haha and if milk foam is your addiction... well that is a rather reasonable one to have! Again really happy that you managed to "roll with the punches" of your day when things went unexpected. Big win!
Wednesday 10/9
Had a nice morning and day! Upped my weights for my leg routine which was a good feeling... but we'll see how walking is tomorrow!
School went well. I found myself a little more... agitated? with silly questions. Some students pointed it out and asked how my home life was hahaha. They were joking of course. But perhaps I was a bit "testy".... but when they ask questions right after I clearly stated, several times, the answer... well that is on them :p. But overall, a nice day.
Food choices have been good and I'm noticing more "control" right after school. Less ED brain and less desire to binge/purge. The thoughts are there... but I'm just continually reminding myself of where my life can be in a few days, then a few weeks, and how much "better" things could be this time next year.
Patience. I am trying to imagine that as my new emotion in my brain that helps calm ED brain down.
Good day and nearing the weekend!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
It’s great to hear that you had a good day and that you increased the weights for your leg routine, well done! Haha, let’s see how your legs feel tomorrow... If they’re anything like mine, good luck! Maybe foam rolling could help...
I totally get that feeling of agitation at school, especially when you repeat the same thing several times and then the questions still come! I think it's normal to feel that way sometimes, it’s part of the job. And your students seem to have a good sense of humor, so it’s all good in the end.
You might have mentioned this before, but my memory is a bit blank right now. How old are your students? Please tell me their age in years and not with the American class names. Even though I’ve watched tons of American movies and TV shows, I still don’t get freshman year, sophomore, and all those terms you use... You need to take me back to basics! 😅
I’m really happy to read that you’re having more control after school and that the ED thoughts are getting less intense. Continuing to remind yourself of where you can go is such a powerful strategy, and it seems to be working for you. "Patience" is such a strong keyword, and imagining it as an emotion that calms down ED brain is a fantastic idea—it’s like having an extra secret weapon. 💪
The weekend is almost here, and you totally deserve it! Keep going strong! 😊
Hi everyone,
Yesterday, Wednesday the 9th, was more or less like any other day.
Food intake at 90%, a bit of restriction on carbs and fats, a bit of overdoing it with the foamed milk.
Let’s say the situation in the past few days has been quite steady. However, I’m not as nervous and negative as in the past few weeks. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen my therapist for about ten days (the next session is on Monday), and perhaps not addressing my issues for a while has allowed me to settle into this neutral stasis. A calmer state, let's say, even if only temporary and superficial.
Yesterday, I went for a run in the evening after work. I almost never do this, but the bad weather lately has forced me to adjust my routine a bit, looking for the best time slots. Plus, my husband had told me he’d be going for a run last night, and I didn’t want to risk waking him up at dawn. We also considered running the first 2 km of warm-up together, though we didn’t end up doing that.
Anyway, I went out for a run and followed a workout my husband suggested: 2 km at a slower pace, 4 km at a moderate pace, and the last 2 km fast. I’m not sure if it was the unusual timing that I’m not used to, or a mistake in my nutrition, or just an off day, but I have to say those last 2 km really destroyed me! Oh my gosh, it was so hard, guys! But I didn’t let it get me down, quite the opposite. I was really happy to have finished the workout despite the struggle.
Today, Thursday the 10th, I’m a bit sore. I’m not sure if it was Tuesday's workout, where I might have worked my legs more than my arms, or last night’s run and those last fiery 2 km, but every step hurts! As a result, I didn’t do any physical activity today. I think I’ll just do some stretching and foam rolling after dinner, hoping to recover a bit because tomorrow during my lunch break I’ll have to hit the gym.
As for food, I’d say I’m still as steady as in the previous days. Always a bit less carbs and fats than planned, but I won’t give up my cappuccino.
So... what a boring couple of days, huh?
But as we’ve always said, maybe the days when we have nothing to report are better than the ones where we feel the need to vent...
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hi Turtle! Hey, these "boring" days are fine! If anything, perhaps it means you are getting closer to more of a sense of "normal"... you and I are just not used to that!
Being a planner/regimented guy myself, the choice to change your workout time I think is a huge win. It shows flexibility and strength in that it didn't ruin your day. The feelings you had may just be since you challenged yourself at a different time. You worked through the whole day and had less extra energy is what I am thinking. The fact you still did it and pulled through, amazing!
I always like to over think things, especially when things are going "well". Thinking, when is the downside going to come up... Though it may, give yourself credit for these days and be proud of yourself! Know that I am proud of you :)
Thursday 10/10
A rather "normal" day (if that is possible) for myself. Woke up feeling well rested and hit some new weights/reps. I seem to be getting a bit stronger, which is what I have been aiming for, slowly, but surely. Patience! Just like with everything. But proud of this progress.
School went well, a pretty laid back day as I led classes through reviews for upcoming quizzes. The main aspect to note is just my energy/mood through the day. It is much higher than it has been in the last few years. Not to mention it again, but after school I was usually so drained. This likely led to my desire for sugar/sweets. I'm noticing that much less now.
So what I need to keep up is getting to bed at a good time, as I think proper rest has a huge amount to do with everything. Not that I hadn't before, but now I'm getting into a nice evening rhythm that I enjoy.
So dinner here shortly, probably some ED brain to fend off, but I'm feeling a bit more confident in calming it down.
Friday tomorrow!!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix!
I’m so happy to hear that you’re seeing progress, both physically and mentally! It’s amazing that you’re feeling stronger and keeping patient, because in the end, that’s what takes you far. I’m also glad you’re finding a good rhythm with your sleep and evening routine; it seems like it’s making a big difference in your energy and how you handle the day.
As for the ED brain, it’s great that you’re feeling more confident in managing it, especially with all the work you’re doing to improve your overall well-being. Keep it up! Wishing you a Friday full of energy and positivity! :)
10/10 Thursday
Hi guys! I’ve been doing okay. Things have gotten a little harder in the past few days and I’ve definitely been using food to cope. Until today I was still just overeating and not binging but just now I binged. I don’t want to beat myself up too much over this because it’s just a little slip and I can get back on track with my streak but it is a little scary seeing my past creeping up on me. I know I need to stay strong. Hope you’re all doing well!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange!
Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling.
I’m sorry to hear the past few days have been tougher, but it’s already a big step forward that you’re aware of what’s going on. I totally agree with you: a small slip doesn’t define the whole journey. You’ve been strong so far, and I’m sure you can regain control. The fact that you’re aware of what’s happening shows you’re still capable of handling it. You’re not alone, we’re here to support you and remind you that every step forward, even a small one, counts. Keep taking care of yourself and, if you feel like it, keep us posted.
I hope things get better for you soon! Sending you a big hug.
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange! I'm so sorry I did not get back to you earlier! I missed this post for some reason.
Thanks for sharing your slip with us and remember that you are still a great person despite that. You have worked through some challenges in the past and are capable of getting back on track! Sometimes it is hard and challenging.
Know that I am still jealous of how well you had done during your previous streak! You are an inspiration. How about another weekly challenge for us starting today (Monday!)
Try not to "beat yourself up". Food is, unfortunately, an easy escape and triggers many things. I'm here to help you get back in the saddle and lets take on a new week!
@Phoenix22k
Let’s do it. Thanks for your support!
Friday 10/11
A nice Friday for me! Minus a COLD jog this morning. It was somewhat refreshing though.
Workout otherwise was good, some higher arm weights.
School not too bad either. I took a half-day so was able to leave around lunch time. It was a little "treat" to myself for doing well recently and I used the time to come home early, take a little power nap, and do some extra chores around the house. I also have the day off on Monday, so an extended weekend ahead!
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nothing major planned, but I want it to be a healthy, responsible, and recharging weekend. I have that as my goal and know ED brain will likely bother me during some of my down time.
I'm enjoying playing some of the video games I used to more. Challenging myself at those as well. Tomorrow, a nice morning and then going to catch up on some reading at the local cafe that I have not been able to get to.
Time for some "rings of power" on Prime!
Have a great day everyone
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix!
That sounds like a great day! I love how you balanced everything—got your workout in, treated yourself with some extra downtime, and even managed to squeeze in some productive chores! Also, an extended weekend sounds perfect, especially when you’re focused on keeping it healthy and recharging. I'm sure the ED brain will pop up here and there, but it sounds like you’ve got a good mindset going into the weekend. I hope you enjoyed your gaming and your cozy cafe reading session, and that you had great time with "Rings of Power" too!
Sat/Sun 10/12 and 10/13
The weekend was nice and although I did not have a lot "planned" I enjoyed the simple things like going to the cafe Saturday morning, playing some video games, and reading outside on the porch. I got a nice extra walk in on Sunday as well.
Workouts were good, and I won't bore you with the details. But getting stronger, noticing less joint pain, and getting ample sleep and better nutrition has certainly helped.
ED brain did kick in Saturday night. It was rough. I did not purge, but had trouble falling asleep. It was a mental battle and eventually I drifted off to sleep. I slept okay, but would say a 3/5. I was sure to tell myself though that had I binged/purged I would feel MUCH worse. Sunday morning I also volunteered to be a "greeter" at my church. A little thing, opening the doors, but it was nice to do as I am usually up and awake anyway.
ED brain that night did bring up some revelations. Mainly, pain (emotional), depression, loneliness. I also thought back to when I think it "started". College, mostly. I never went out to parties/drank or got into that scene. So when many of my peers, and good friend/room-mate at the time did, I would just remain behind. Or go out on late night walks. I enjoyed this (and people watching mostly!) but I never made any "good" friends. I always considered it a transition time so what is the point? I won't see these people likely again.
Truth is I've always struggled with making friends/connections. It was never really a big deal as there were still people "around" to study, play sports, be in clubs, ect. But as an adult, those things are not there.
I think that finding more joy and acceptance in who I am, finding more peace with being alone, and continually just trying to get out and do things that matter, like volunteering, I'll eventually find some closer connections.
ED brain, unfortunately, took on the role of my "friend" and I need to recognize that while it may be "trying to help" in masking the loneliness, that it is not the answer. Perhaps taking this approach, that realizing that ED brain is not all EVIL, but merely trying to help (in a sense) will give me pause and help accept it. That doesn't mean giving in to binges/purges, but realizing that something deeper is going on.
Anyway... sorry for the ramble! But hope you all had a nice weekend!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix!
Thanks for sharing how your weekend went, and most of all thanks for sharing your "ramble". I really appreciate reading your messages and seeing how our brains function so similarly and how we all can get the same issues and worries.
It’s really interesting how you identified ED brain as a "false friend." I think recognizing that ED brain isn’t there to destroy you, but perhaps as a misguided attempt to protect you, is such an important idea. It doesn’t mean accepting it or giving in, but maybe it gives you more tools to respond kindly to yourself when those thoughts arise. It’s a sign that there’s something deeper needing attention, and just recognizing that is a sign of great self-awareness.
I really connected with what you said about struggling to make friends and form connections. I’ve felt the same way, especially as an adult. It’s something I’ve experienced too, and it can be hard to navigate. I think it’s amazing that you’re putting yourself out there with volunteering—it’s such a great way to meet people while doing something meaningful. I truly believe that by continuing to focus on things that matter to you, you’ll eventually form those deeper, capital “F” Friendships. It’s not easy, but you’re already taking steps that show real courage, and I really admire that.
Unfortunately it's been a long day and couldn't find the time to write my daily report but I really wanted to reply to you. I hope I'll be able to write more tomorrow!
Sending you a huge hug!!!