Accountability thread - October 14th-20th

10/15 Tuesday

Hi guys it’s only 11 am here and I had a mini binge already. I’ve been feeling a little more anxious recently and definitely been using food as a coping mechanism. I’ve also been feeling a lot more guilty because I feel like I’ve gained back a little bit of weight. Sorry @Phoenix22k I need to restart my streak for this challenge for this week.

Hi everyone,
Here I am with a recap of the first few days of the week.

Monday, 14th
I felt a bit guilty about Sunday’s lunch, even though I didn’t feel bloated. But on Monday morning, I realized I wasn’t as hungry as I usually am. I’m normally checking the clock constantly, waiting for mid-morning so I can have my yogurt, and it always feels like forever until it’s time to eat. But on Monday, I checked the time and it was already 10:30, and I hadn’t even noticed—I wasn’t "starving." My therapist told me this is how it should be in normal life, that it’s not normal to be ravenous before every meal. But to me, it felt like confirmation that I had eaten too much the day before.
Anyway, both Monday and yesterday (Tuesday 15th), I ate about 90% of what my meal plan called for, with my usual extra cappuccinos.

Monday evening, I also had a session with my therapist.
It was a bit different from usual, in the sense that we didn’t focus on my typical issues or doubts. Instead, we ended up talking about my need to always be precise and early for appointments. Apparently, this is part of the control system I use in my life to manage things, and while it’s not a problem in itself, it can become one if I can’t handle situations that go outside my usual patterns. So, it’s fine if I like being early, but if one day something happens and I’m not able to be as early, or if the person I’m meeting is late, I need to figure out how to deal with that. If I can handle it well and think “okay, these things happen,” then great. But if it starts causing me anxiety, or if I don’t handle it well, we’ll need to work on it.
Yay, more mental issues! Lucky me…

Tuesday, 15th
I started the day with a run to release some tension and get ready for another workday. These days, my office is short one person, so we’re all working a bit more overtime and things are busier.
But the real problem is something else.
For a few days now, I’ve been more anxious because next week (Monday 21st), one of my two dogs (the poodle) is scheduled for surgery. He has small lumps on his gums, which turned out to be benign tumors, so they’ll be removing them on Monday.
Then, last night, I came home after work and found that my second dog (the rottweiler) was limping really badly. She’s clearly in pain and struggling to move. Unfortunately, she’s getting older, especially for her breed, and she’s already had surgeries on both her back legs, so it’s definitely a weak spot for her.
I won’t lie—I had a hard time sleeping last night, and I’m really worried today.
Luckily, I’ve already managed to get in touch with the orthopedic vet who treated her for her previous surgeries, and he’ll be seeing her tomorrow (Thursday).
These are going to be some really tough days…

I hope your days are going better and are filled with positivity!

Hey Turtle,

Sorry I've been quiet and am now "catching up", but of course know that I think of you/others here each day even without a post!

I'm also sad to hear about your pup and cat. I remember you mentioning your dog in the past it sounded like things were not "too" bad, but it is still scary that there is a surgery needed. Hearing your cat is showing some concerning behaviors makes me sad as well. Sending you a hug!

As for your diet and psych appointments, I think it is nice that you were able to focus on "other things" rather than just food. It is interesting how "control" seems to be a repeating theme (for me as well) and I think has a big thing to do with our ED's. Food is essentially one thing that we ultimately have full control over (mostly). We have to manually put it into our bodies and decide what we put into our bodies as well. It is like a constant exercise of control. We as well, take it to the extreme and perhaps want "too" much control.

Thinking about this, and relating it to your desire to be on time and have "control" over your schedule, puts into light for me how similar principles apply to food. I/we like to "be in control" and when one thing goes wrong...it can send us in a spiral.

I really appreciate this revelation. Control... just like Inside Out 2 again I suppose.

Great reflection and sending you a hug again and positive thoughts!

Catching Up as well! Seems like we all have been busy!

Also, sorry for the repeated response, I typed it in the wrong place.

Monday 10/14

A really nice day. I had off for Columbus Day/Indigenous People's Day which was a welcome break from teaching. Workout was great but COLD in the morning for a little run, note to self get the long sleeves and sweaters out... After my morning workout I had a pleasant morning breakfast and coffee, which I don't usually do during the week. It was nice to have a "relaxing" morning.

I also did some work with my part-time job, computer drafting, it was enjoyable. Otherwise, some video games, reading, and a chill day.

ED brain wasn't too bad. Sometimes days off are worse with the free time and change of schedule, but having the drafting work to do and setting some little goals like read 2 chapters ect. helped.

Tuesday 10/15

Back to work today but nice that it is a short week with students. Good workout again and another cold run, but survived. Nothing major to note with the workouts so unless something big happens I'll try not to bore you all :)

School went well and came home to more drafting work. The part-time job picked up a little bit, which is nice as there was NO work for it the last few days, but it does take up some of my free time in the evenings. Overall, this was done and I felt good afterwards. It helped again to keep ED brain away.

One thing of note, just a metaphor I suppose, is for one drawing I was working on I thought I was nearly finished. Only to find it wasn't looking quite right. My co-worker couldn't find the issue either. After another look... I accidentally started the whole drawing 2 little degrees off... which threw the entire thing off.

I was able to finish it quickly the next time through. It was frustrating, but just another example of how mistakes happen, and also how one little thing can impact others. So I learned to always double check when I start, and also got better at some of the computer skills I'll be using. 

Anyway, the rest of the day was good, did not have as much free time in the evening but had a healthy dinner and restful night.

Catch up with you all later!

@Phoenix22k 

Sorry if I'm replying here as a "separate post" but I think they did something with the settings of the forum posts and it's not perfectly clear how replies work now... Or at least I am finding it more complicated. 

Sounds like you've been keeping busy, but in a good way! I'm glad you got a chance to relax a bit on your day off—those little breaks make such a difference. And I am so proud of you for living them so well! In the past days off would have been difficult to you, but it seems you're now enjoying them and breezing through them. 

About what you said towards the end, I love that metaphor with the drawing mistake. It’s so true how just a small error can have a ripple effect and throw everything off. But the fact that you were able to fix it quickly once you identified the issue says a lot about how learning from mistakes can speed up the process next time. It’s a good reminder that mistakes aren't failures, just steps toward getting better at what we do—both in work and in life.

And I'm really glad to hear that you’re finding ways to keep ED brain at bay. Keep it up, and catch up again soon!

Hi everyone,

I've tried posting my day a couple of times, but I always get an error message. 
I hope you won't see my day posted here 10000 times!

Wednesday 10.16

Good day overall! Kept busy after school with some more drafting work. This has been a nice distraction until around dinner time.

I've been doing okay with my meals and am having less urges. That being said, I have had some days of over eating and purging. I'm sorry I haven't shared them all, but it's just something I'm ashamed of and frustrated with.

That being said, my binge/purge episodes have been much less than those in the past so I suppose that's a win.

Evenings are the challenge... I'll pick myself up and keep trying for more better days and rise again like the Phoenix.

Hi everyone

Wednesday the 16th

The day started off a bit rough. As I mentioned in my previous post, my rottweiler was limping a lot, and it was clear she was uncomfortable. Since I wake up very early, it was hard waiting until 8 AM to contact the vet and schedule an appointment. Time seemed to move so slowly! I felt unsure about how to help her.
I realized that my struggle wasn’t just because she was unwell (though of course that was part of it). The challenge was that, unlike with humans, you can't get direct feedback from a dog. I couldn’t ask if she’d hurt herself or if it was something that came on suddenly. I felt so powerless!
In the end, I managed to get an appointment for her this afternoon (which is why this update only covers part of the day). I kept an eye on her via the cam I have in the garden, and she spent most of the day resting. This made me think she was still not feeling great. However, when I got home in the evening, I noticed she was limping less, so resting seemed to help!
I went to the gym later, but my trainer noticed I wasn’t in the best mood. I explained it was because of my dog, and he offered some kind words to lift my spirits.
As for meals, I stayed around my usual routine, about 90%.

Thursday the 17th
This morning, I was relieved to see my dog limping a lot less. We even debated whether it was still necessary to go to the vet, but ultimately decided it was the best thing to do. It could be a small sprain or something else minor, but since she’s 10 years old and starting to show signs of aging, I want to make sure I know how to support her if something like this happens again. Her improvement has really boosted my mood.
Regarding food, I’m not sure how the day will go yet, but this morning something surprising happened. After having my breakfast, getting ready for work, and going for a walk with one of the dogs, I came back and realized I was still hungry. I didn’t think I could wait until my usual mid-morning snack, but I didn’t want to focus too much on having another cappuccino. So (and I’m not sure why), I tried something new that ended up tasting better than it looked! I scrambled some egg whites, added a bit of vanilla-flavored sweetener, cinnamon, and chopped up a yellow plum to cook with the eggs. It wasn’t the most appealing dish to look at, but I enjoyed it, and it was a healthy choice, so I felt good about it.
I’ve noticed that with the increased exercise lately, I’ve been feeling hungrier and finding it harder to stick to smaller portions. I know I’ll have to adjust and eat a bit more, and I hope I can move past what I see in the mirror and avoid feeling like I’m losing progress.
I’ll update you tomorrow about the vet visit and how the rest of the day went!
In the meantime, I hope you're all doing well!

Hi everyone,
Sorry for posting my updates for the 16th and 17th separately (and late!), but I had some issues with the forum and couldn’t post anything. Technology mysteries! Luckily, I had saved everything beforehand.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon we took our rottweiler to the vet, and she was barely limping. In my mind, I started worrying that I’d look silly to the vet since I had called him like it was an emergency, but the dog seemed fine. However, I figured it was better to look like the “overprotective dog mom” and pay for nothing than to come across as someone who doesn’t care about their pet.
Once we got there, the vet (who specializes in orthopedics) quickly found where the problem might be. Just one touch in the right spot, and our dog reacted in pain. So they gave her a light sedation and took X-rays to understand the severity of the issue. Before they even finished the first X-ray, the vet came rushing out, saying, “This is more serious than we initially thought.”
Apparently, like many rottweilers, our dog has a high pain tolerance and had been masking just how much discomfort she was in. She was diagnosed with a severe degenerative joint condition in her elbows, which is quite advanced. The vet told us the only thing we can do now is manage her condition with multiple treatments to keep her as comfortable as possible for the rest of her life. No more walks. Minimal movement in the garden. No jumping onto the couch. She’ll be on anti-inflammatories, painkillers, and monoclonal antibody therapy injected directly into her joints.
It was devastating for us, to say the least. It hurts to think that she’s been suffering for some time with this condition, and we didn’t realize it. And now her life will be different, focused on keeping her pain-free. On the one hand, I hope she can live a long time because she’s the most special dog in the world, and I can’t imagine life without her. On the other hand, I wonder what kind of life it is for her if she’s constantly in pain and can’t run and play anymore.
I won’t go into how much we spent yesterday, how much the medications will cost, or how much we’ll need to spend each month for her treatment. But since we were already facing these costs, I decided to splurge on two soft memory foam mats for our dogs to sleep on, since the couch is now off-limits.
On Monday, our other dog will undergo gum surgery, and I hope there won’t be any additional complications. I won’t even mention how much that’s going to cost too... Oh my.

After we got back from the vet visit, my husband and I went for a run together—8 km. We had never fully run together before. At most, we’d start at the same pace for a few kilometers (his warm-up), but he’d always end up running much faster than me. Yesterday, though, he suggested we go for a run together to blow off some steam and shake off the stress from the vet visit. And once again, exercise proved to be a great way to cope.

As always I will be less present during the weekend, and on Monday I will be at the second dog's surgery so I will probably write again on Tuesday. But please know I will always be reading your posts and I will always be thinking about you!