Accountability thread 9/9 - 9/15
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 @orangeSpruce9113 and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
Hi guys! Pretty busy day here but I had a successful day with no binges! I went to the doctor to get a prescription for the antidepressants so hopefully it will help. When I got to the doctor I had to get my weight checked and that really hit me in my heart more than I hoped it would. Doctor says I’m a healthy weight but obviously to me it’s just too much because I was much thinner before the binging started. Anyways I’m going to start taking the prescription tomorrow so hopefully I’ll see improvements in my mental health. Hope you guys had good days as well!
This is for 9/12 Thursday btw
@orangeSpruce9113
Hey Orange, I'm glad you had another good day of eating at least and were able to check in with your Dr.
Weight, is a common theme amongst us all. Especially for us who "fit" the right weights. My doctor would say the same thing, physically I am in "great" shape. Mentally, I'm a bit ashamed of myself yet. Working on that.
The weight could be due to a ton of things, @turtleonmyleftarm and I discussed this a bit and had the same feelings. While we eat "right" our weights fluctuate regularly. I would say so long as it is not a drastic change, 10 lbs either way, that you are doing just fine. I'm not a doctor by any means, so take that as you will. With binges, I do know that our body will gain significant water weight, for several days following. So you could still be working through that, even though you have had quite a string of successful days!
Keep your head up and stay positive! The antidepressants may take some time to kick in, at least that is what it was like for me, so give it time and patience.
You rock!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange,
I am sorry your doc checked your weight and BMI. I understand how triggering this can be, even if the result puts you in the "healthy" part of the table.
I really don't understand why doctors in the US check that. I see it in movies and tv series, here in Italy is something they don't check unless they're dieticians or professionals specialized in weight-related issues. It has been proven more than once that BMI and weight charts are not a valuable tool to check ones' health as there are too many factors playing there. Ethnicity, muscle mass, lots and lots of stuff. Moreover doctors who check your weight, if the result is higher than the golden standard, tend to link any issue to this aspect and don't actually consider other exams or reasons for a specific illness or problem, potentially leading to worse health problems.
I really wish they would stop that!!!
But I am glad you were actually able to get out of that initial moment of discouragement and analyze the situation in the right way. It really shows how much you're growing and improving!
Hi guys,
It's Friday night and I'm about to write to you about my day. I usually do it the day after, taking advantage of the office computer, but since I don’t work during the weekend and I will be using my phone from home, I can do it right away.
My day started with a workout (mostly legs and core stability) and a walk with the dogs. Then breakfast (pancakes, which, being the most caloric option among my breakfasts, always worry me a bit, even though they’re my favorite).
Today was the last day at work for a colleague, and she brought a cake. I refused it and stuck to my planned snack. For lunch, I cut back on portions. About ten grams less of carbs, about three-quarters of the planned protein, and zero fats. Dinner was also less than a third of the fats, three-quarters of the carbs, but I had all the proteins. Vegetables are always abundant because they fill me up and make me feel more at ease, plus, in the end, they’re still carbs...
But tomorrow I MUST force myself to eat more, otherwise, I won’t be able to run on Sunday the way I know I can.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hey Turtle, congrats on making it to the weekend!!!
I'll add my thoughts about your Thursday here as well. I love how you mentioned our bodies are like "machines" and we can't operate them at full speed all the time. It is true, and something I need to work on, but actually have improved with. I'm so glad that you recognize this and are feeling less guitly about having off days. Yes ED brain is there, but you don't seem to let it impact you too much.
It sounds like ED brain is picking up on a lot of your upcoming emotions. I can definitely see how the anxiety over the wedding and being in a dress might encourage you to cut back. I can imagine that all the other women are in the same mindset though!
You are still making progress in my book. It does seem like you've restricted a bit more at your bigger meals recently BUT like you said you've had little snacks and additions elsewhere. They do not quite seem to fit your caloric needs though. Its still great that you hit your protein intake and get lots of vegetables :)
Life is a journey, and we are all working to improve ourselves each day. I think that we here are actually much more "aware" of this than others which is a blessing and a curse. We are all trying, and succeeding! But we are also so hard on ourselves. Remember what your trainer said a few days ago and try to praise yourself for what you HAVE been doing.
For your run coming up, yes you will need to fuel the machine that you are! Try to hit those protein, carb, and fat goals for tomorrow. Let the past slips go, there is no changing them, but you can get right back on track and then have a wonderful run in the Italian countryside :)
Sending you a hug and wishing I could provide more help than just some rambling. You bring up excellent points and valid fears that everyone has.
In the end, we are all here for you and know that you are getting better each day, even if it is by a tiny little amount. They all add up :)
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect with your eating. Progress takes time and you might feel like you’re not moving forward but you are. You can do this!
@orangeSpruce9113
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix and Orange,
Thank you both so much for your support!
You’re right, Phoenix, I need to remember what my personal trainer told me.
And Phoenix, you do so much for me. Your messages are like a balm for my soul on the toughest days. It always seems like you know exactly what to say and how to say it. You have no idea how grateful I am for that!
On Sunday, when I finished my run, I couldn’t wait to tell you how this “machine” did because I knew you were rooting for her!
Orange, thank you – you just reminded me of the saying “progress, not perfection” from my old friends at Team Body Project. Another mantra I need to keep in mind, but somehow always forget…
Friday 9/13
Friday the 13th! But no bad luck so far :) Actually quite the opposite.
Went to bed early last night and felt great this AM. Once again telling myself this can be a "normal thing!" Arm workout, and run. I've noticed my run time increasing a little bit, which I'm not concerned about, but just something I note. It's only by like 15 or 20 seconds, and I know the weather has a lot to do with it too. Either way felt good after my workout.
School went well but it did feel like a long day. I was preparing for next week, as I requested in to serve as a Juror for an upcoming case. @turtleonmyleftarm , I'm not sure if it exists in Italy, but in the States we have a policy known as Jury Duty. Basically, the local or federal government sends you a letter in the mail stating that you have to serve on jury duty. This is required by law, and it is difficult to get out of unless you have extreme circumstances. Anyway, I was supposed to serve this upcoming week which meant I had to plan 3 days of lessons for a substitute. I ended up doing all of this... and the trial was cancelled! So I don't have to go in. Such a relief. I was also getting worried about what my food schedule would look like, but now that is off my list of things to do.
Otherwise did some healthy grocery shopping, avoided all the junk aisles, and came home. I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening and continuing my streak. I really want to "be at my best" this weekend. I plan on going to my nephews baseball game tomorrow and would love to be in the right state of mind to cheer him on.
Hoping you all have a nice evening and know that success comes in all forms and is often the smallest thing :)
@Phoenix22k
Sounds like a productive day! You’re doing awesome and I know you’ll keep doing great. I hope you have fun watching the baseball game!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
It’s so nice to hear about another positive day!
I understand what it means when you’re called for Jury Duty. I’ve seen it in movies and TV shows… Here in Italy, we don’t have that kind of service. I’m really glad it ended up being canceled for you. I can imagine how heavy it would’ve been—spending the whole day listening to a case, eating at different times, eating different things than what you’d planned. And if the case was particularly stressful or tough, it could have been a trigger. Nope, I’m really happy it got canceled!
Of course, I’m sorry you had to do a lot of work preparing lessons for your substitute. But in the end, I think everything worked out for the best!
9/13 Friday
Hi everyone! I had another super super fun day with no binging! I think this makes 8 days which is the longest I’ve gone without an episode in so long. I feel so good I’m really happy.
@orangeSpruce9113
That is incredible orange! You are inspiring me to continue going on as well :)
Your next hurdle can be "double-digits", big 10!
I believe in you and am so glad to see your growth over these few days.
Saturday 9/14
Woke up feeling refreshed and did my Saturday workout/run. My Saturday workout is usually a full body circuit and I don't try to hit as high as weights as I do during the week, but that being said I noticed the reps of each are getting easier and I was able to do some higher weights! Small progress. I'm also excited that my shoulder has really improved since last year and am hopeful it will hold up well for my upcoming obstacle race.
I went to my nephews baseball game in the morning and was so excited for him. He played really well. I also felt "present" and just really enjoyed my time there. I wasn't preoccupied or thinking about food/meals. Just a really nice experience.
I came home and did not have anything else scheduled for the day. Lunch was satisfying and I just relaxed through the afternoon. I feel that I was a little "lazy" but have been doing much better at letting myself just relax. Again small little steps.
Prepped my lunches/breakfasts for the week and am feeling good and motivated. I really want to go through the rest of the month binge/purge free. Thinking of some ideas to treat myself if this happens :)
Hope everyone is doing well!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
I’m really glad to read about your progress day by day. How’s your shoulder doing? Not overall, since I see it’s improved a lot, but I mean the little bump it took a few days ago… has that fully healed?
And when’s your next obstacle race?
Come on, tell us what ideas you have in mind to reward yourself next month for your achievements. We’re all curious!
@Phoenix22k
I’m so happy your streak is still going as well! I’d love to join you on this binge/pruge free for the rest of month challenge. It makes it a bit more fun to call these challenges haha. Anyways, I’m glad you let yourself relax I struggle with that sometimes as well. Good luck in this next week you got this!
@orangeSpruce9113 @turtleonmyleftarm
Lets do it orange! They say that the momentum of each day builds. While it still is challenging, the little steps we make contribute to a big difference. You my friend have inspired me, just know that.
My next obstacle race is a tough-mudder (look them up for all the exciting obstacles I face!) It is September 28th!
Since my fall the other week I'm doing just fine. It was minor, but when I run past that spot now I double check my footing and take it slower. I think they have repaved the one section. That may be in my mind. I appreciate you checking in:)
As for a reward, I am imagining the meal/dinner the day after my race. A healthy meal, but something I always enjoy at a local diner. There are also some nice lego sets coming out haha... but I'll see if I can budget that for the time being :)
9/14 and 9/15
Hi guys I’m sorry I missed yesterday. My days have been so busy recently just filling it with fun! I’ve been feeling really good and happy the past week or two. Happy to say I’m 9 days binge free I believe! So excited to see all the progress I’m making. I’ll try to come back on here later when I’m free to respond to you guys but hope you’re all doing well!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange,
Nine days, what a fantastic result!
But let me tell you, the best part is what you wrote right after. It’s so wonderful to read that your days are going in a completely different direction compared to a few weeks ago. I love hearing that you’re having fun, that you’re busy, and that you’re enjoying life. I’m so happy for you!
Hi everyone,
Here’s my accountability thread for Saturday, the 14th, and Sunday, the 15th.
Saturday, 14th
I made an effort to stick to the portions for all my meals. At dinner, I even managed to eat 83 grams of bread out of the 85 planned, which is a miracle because, when I used to eat a lot of bread, I could barely get to 70 grams and already felt like a balloon!
For lunch, I cooked everything together in the same pot (my meal and my husband’s) and then divided it. So, I’m not sure the portions were exactly right… In fact, I’m sure I had less protein and fat than expected. But this is part of the “less control” my doctors want me to get used to. Honestly, knowing that I was under in other macronutrients—and calories in general—helped me eat all the carbs. I know carbs are essential for energy, especially for running. Athletes even have “carb-loading” days before competitions, so I made an effort to eat them on Saturday.
In the afternoon, I spent some time in the kitchen preparing meals to freeze, and I snacked on a few grapes, thinking, "More carbs that must help me with tomorrow's run."
Sunday, 15th
It was freezing! Here in Italy, we’ve gone from extreme heat that made it hard to be outside to autumn cold in just a few days. Since there wasn’t any gradual change, adjusting to the lower temperatures was tough, and it was hard for all of us to get out of the house early to meet up for a run. But I tried to look at the bright side: with cooler weather, at least there wouldn’t be any stifling heat to make it harder, and if I wanted to warm up, I’d just have to run more!
In the end, unexpectedly (though I was hoping for it), I hit a PB for 10 km. I ran 10 km (6.21 miles) in 58 minutes and 53 seconds. My husband always says that running 10 km in under an hour is one of the milestones for “real” runners, so even though I don’t consider myself a real runner and never specifically trained for that goal, a part of me wanted to achieve it. So, it felt great!
At lunch, I cut back on carbs and fats (about half), enjoying a huge bowl of veggies with tofu and some rice cakes because I knew dinner would take me way outside my usual limits. For dinner, I used my sourdough starter for the first time to make homemade pizza. It ended up much thicker than a regular pizza from the pizzeria, so there was a lot of flour and a lot of carbs. Knowing I had run that morning and been moderate at lunch helped me really enjoy the pizza. Of course, I felt guilty. I thought I should have eaten less. I felt bloated. But I think it would have been worse if I’d eaten a big lunch, so I don’t really care if my psychologist and dietitian would say I should’ve eaten normally at lunch…
And now the week has started again!
I’m off to create the post for the new week, and as usual, I’ll leave the new link below.
Have a great week, everyone! I hope these seven days are perfect and bring you peace.
Sending you all a big hug!!!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Congrats on your run! That’s extremely impressive!! I’m happy to hear that you got to enjoy a nice pizza. I know it must be hard to deal with all of your ED thoughts telling you things but it’s good that you’re aware of them. Hope you have a great week!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
A great weekend! I'm really proud of you for everything!
You got back "on track" it sounds like with your calories Saturday to prep for your run. Not that you were off track before, but you seem much more confident in what you ate and I'm proud of you for getting in the extra meals and not feeling guilty, or at least less so, about it.
I agree about the weather! I woke up one day last week to go for my run and just had a tank-top on which I was accustomed to and when I walked out was blasted with cold air! It was refreshing, but I guess it will start to be t-shirt/long sleeve weather. Amazing job with your pace and meals! The machine was "well-fed" for sure!!
Thanks for starting up our new week :)
@Phoenix22k and @orangeSpruce9113
Thanks to both of you for your kind comments on my latest post, and for your encouragement on my run. It's not a huge result for standard runners, but for me (after last years' hip surgery etc.) it feels like a lot.
And I cannot hide that running and going to the gym are what's helping me eat and overcoming my anorexia so it's especially important to me...
