Accountability thread 9/9 - 9/15

9/9 Monday

Hi everyone! I accidentally posted to the wrong thread earlier so to summarize I had a graat day. It was my sisters birthday and we did a lot of fun things! This marks day 4 binge free and I’m feeling so good! Hope you all are doing awesome!

9/9

Monday went well! My shoulder held up much better than I thought during my chest/back routine. I didn't quite make some of the same weights as before, but managed higher ones elsewhere. So it was great! I had a nice night's rest on top of that. Each morning I have been journaling my sleep on a scale of 5, my workout intensity, 3 things I'm grateful for, my goals for the day, and how I want to spend my evening. It helps me stay focused when ED brain starts chiming in.

School went well and came home. Ate solid meals and made it to day 2/5! 

9/10

Another nice day! Slept well again and had a good workout with arms. Shoulder is getting a little better. 

School went well, though my patience with some kiddos is starting to be tested haha. But I'm grateful for being their teacher and it is going well. Tomorrow is going to be a "rough" day. School until 3:00 then back to school night with parents from 5:30 to 8:30. It is a nice opportunity... but generally speaking only about 5 parents show up so it is a long, rather pointless, afternoon. Trying to stay positive though!

Meals went well and preparing to eat some dinner at this time :)

Feeling good, motivated, and ED brain is a little bit noisier but I plan to make my dinner, then afterwards lay down and watch some Netflix.

Hope everyone is doing well!

oh and @turtleonmyleftarm .... Happy Belated Anniversary!!! Congrats and I hope you had a wonderful day!!

9/10 Tuesday

Hi guys! Today was good and makes day 5 binge free! I am so proud of myself for being strong and patient. I am mentally and physically feeling a LOT better and am actually able to focus on things, have the energy to do more things, and overall am just in a better mood. Hope you are all doing amazing as well!

Hi everyone!

Sorry for not being able to join yesterday, but it's been a bit hectic at work. Today, though, I made sure to find some time to connect and write to you!

@orangeSpruce9113 I'm really proud of you for how your 5-day challenge is going. You're so close to "bringing home the prize! I can't wait to read about your victorious day!

@Phoenix22k great job with your workouts and how your days are going overall. You're really good with your journaling. I tried it myself, but I couldn't keep up with it as regularly as you do. Maybe because (as with everything) I had too many expectations. I forced myself to find things to be grateful for even when there weren’t any, and I would stress about writing what I thought should be written instead of what I really felt. But you're inspiring me, and thanks to you, I might give it another go! Who knows!
Ahahaha, but is your patience running out with the kiddos or their parents? 🤣
Thank you so much for the anniversary congratulations! You're very sweet!

Monday 9th
Anniversary day, as I already mentioned and Phoenix reminded us.
Fun fact: we got married on 9/9/18 simply because, mathematically speaking, it sounded good to us. 9 + 9 = 18. Easy to remember! Too bad I've never been good at math, so it didn't make much difference, ahahaha…
Anyway, meals were ok —always around my 90%. We're simple people, so we hadn't planned anything big. We just went to our favorite pizza place, just the two of us, and were happy to celebrate that way. When we got to the pizzeria, I thought I'd get my usual veggie pizza without mozzarella so I could allow myself a dessert to celebrate (even though in my mind, it still felt like too much. The concept of allowing myself dessert probably wouldn't sit well with my ED brain even if I fasted all day. But that's another story!).
When the waiter came, he announced the "pizza of the day," which is always different and they offer daily with some special ingredient. That day's pizza had pumpkin cream, blue cheese, and chestnuts—pretty hefty ingredients. Pumpkin is a vegetable, but in my first diet, they equated it with a carb, so it's always scared me a bit. Blue cheese is very caloric. Chestnuts are nuts, also very caloric.
My mind immediately thought, "No way, I'll just order my veggie pizza." But my mouth said, "I'll take that one!" The time between ordering and the pizza arriving was spent in a bit of shock, wondering why I ordered such a caloric pizza and regretting it. But I have to say it was really, really good!!! When it came time for dessert, our favorite one wasn't on the menu that night, and the alternatives didn't appeal to us. But we were satisfied anyway, and we went home, where my husband grabbed a little treat from the freezer so he could finish the celebration with something sweet. Not me, though, but I was happier that way, rather than forcing myself to eat more and increasing my guilt.

Tuesday 10th
Very busy day at work, but luckily I went to the gym during my lunch break, which helped me release some tension and get some movement in. Again, meals were around 90%. When I got home for dinner, I was hungry, and I snacked on a carrot while preparing our meal, but I started feeling a bit queasy. I thought it was hunger, but it must have been something else because during dinner, my stomach really started hurting and kept hurting for a couple of hours after. But eventually, it passed, and I ate "right" throughout the day, so all good. These things happen, and I don't think it was food-related, so I'm at ease.
The only thing worth noting today is this. When I got to the gym, I was doing a 10-minute treadmill walk as a warm-up, and I was chatting with my trainer. He asked me if I went for a run on Sunday, and I told him how it went. At one point, he said, "Wow, do you realize what you're doing? With your hip problem and the surgery, it's no small feat! Do you ever give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself you're doing a great job?" I was taken aback. At that moment, I gave a somewhat evasive answer, saying that I tried not to think about it too much because the surgeon actually told me I shouldn't be running, so I try not to dwell on it so I can keep doing it with peace of mind. But honestly, I thought about it after he pointed it out, and I realized that—like in all aspects of my life—I'm never satisfied. I never see the positive in what I'm doing, and I never congratulate myself because it always seems to me that what I do is nothing special. If someone else does X, it's special and amazing. If I do X, it's just a normal thing, maybe even a bit lacking… So, yeah, I've promised myself that I'll try to look at my achievements with a kinder eye.

Sending you all a hug! I wish you a wonderful day!

My friends, this can't wait until my accountability post tomorrow (about today, but that I'll send tomorrow). I'm so excited, I just have to tell you! Even if it has nothing to do with what we usually talk about here.

I MANAGED TO GET TICKETS FOR THE IMAGINE DRAGONS CONCERT!

I'm not someone who goes to concerts often; in my life, I've only been to three (Michael Bublé, Bruno Mars, and Sam Smith). Plus, in Italy, there aren't as many concert opportunities as there are in America... 

In the last couple of years, I've become more and more passionate about Imagine Dragons, and I promised myself I'd try to get tickets for their show if they came to Italy.

Yesterday, they opened presales for those who registered directly on their site, but by the time I managed to get to the ticket purchase, they were already sold out. Such an incredible disappointment!

But today, there was a second batch of tickets on sale, connected to a different promoter.
Well, I did it! And, anxious that they might sell out, I ended up buying slightly more expensive tickets than I had initially planned, but in a really great spot, so I'm thrilled because I'll have an even better view than I initially thought. Sure, I spent more than expected... But you only live once, right?!
Now the only problem is waiting almost a year... Hahaha.

That's it, I just had to tell someone!

9/11

Day 4 of binge free on the way! I feel really good, and just need to keep telling myself that this is how I can always feel. In general at least. I know each day won't be quite the same, but still.

It is just so nice waking up and not having food/shame be the first thing on my mind. After a purge/binge that is usually my first thought "today is the day." While that is motivating, it is nice to have more positive thoughts first thing.

Workout was good this AM, good run. Slept well. @Turtleonmyleftarm, I'm not perfect with my journaling and have tried a few different things. I found that a simple notebook with a few highlights is sufficient for me. Sometimes I will do a recap in the evening.

The regular school day went well. I'm trying not to dread being there again from 6:00 - 8:30 and hopeful that it will go by quickly. I have great coworkers at least that help pass the time, and have some extra work I can catch up on. Aiming to make it as productive as I can.

One silver lining, since I will be at school, ED brain doesn't really have a chance to ruin my streak! Haha. Plus I plan on going right home, having a protein shake, and going to bed.

This should very well be day 4 and tomorrow afternoon will be relaxing and a nice "off" afternoon.

Have a great evening everyone!

9/11 Wednesday

Hi guys! I’m so happy to say this marks 6 days binge free! I did have an urge tonight after dinner but I curbed it by having frozen grapes and frozen bananas. I was so tempted to just start indulging in chocolates and junk but I knew once I had a taste it would turn into a binge so I opted for some healthier options and I’m really proud about that.

Hi everyone,
Here’s my report for Wednesday, September 11th.
I started the day with an 8 km run, partially in the rain. "A wet run, a lucky run!" Okay, it's just a saying we have here in Italy (the real one is "wet bride, lucky bride"), but honestly, it wasn’t anything special. Well, actually, one special thing happened: I ate a rice cake before going for my run, even though I usually go on an empty stomach – you know, for my ED brain, everything is "too much," and even a rice cake feels like it. But I managed to silence it.
Work was pretty tough, we're trying to sort out some complicated projects. Thankfully, the day was brightened by the fact that I managed to snag tickets to the Imagine Dragons concert! Yeah!!!
As for food, I think I hit about 90% throughout the day, except for dinner, where I cut back more. I’m noticing some duality in my behavior. I'm starting to restrict more than before, but at the same time, because of this restriction, I sometimes allow myself a bit more. Like the rice cake before my run. Or today at lunch (today is Thursday, September 12th, so I’m cheating a bit with this accountability) when I ate less than planned but then grabbed an apple before heading back to the office.
In short, lots of mixed signals and ups and downs. But I’m not giving up – it still feels like I'm on the right path that I started a few weeks ago, thanks to these reports.
Thanks for reading another accountability post. I hope your day is going well, and I can't wait to read your updates. See you tomorrow!

Thursday 9/12

Made it to day 5! Thanks to my support from you guys :)

Yesterday evening went rather well. The time went by quick, I took my dinner to the school and ate before parents came in. Then came home. I was not as tired as I thought I would be so went to bed a little later. 

This morning, I thought I would be really exhausted throughout the day. I woke up and had a good workout, upping some weights on sets. Run was good as well. School went by and I kept telling myself just make it through and reward myself with a nap when I get home! Which I did haha.

With eating better, I suppose that is just another way that my body countered my lack of sleep and still allowed me to feel good today. Just another reminder to myself that making the right choices helps in so many ways.

Also today, taking a cue from you all here, I looked up local psychologists. I really should get back into an office and have been putting it off. Not out of shame or anything, but for the longest time I have just tried to do this on my own. You all have been an extra support, but I figure the more the better. I'll continue my search and hopefully be able to meet up with one in the coming month.

So 5/5. Really hoping to keep this going and make it through the rest of the month. Thanks for your support and love guys!

Hi everyone,
As promised, here I am with my accountability for Thursday the 12th.

Today, my daily movement consisted of two walks with the dogs, one in the morning and one in the evening. Of course, my ED brain is telling me, "So basically, you did nothing," but as I just wrote in response to Phoenix, we can’t always run the engine at full speed. Sometimes we need to drive at lower RPMs. So, when my mind tries to make me feel guilty about having a quieter day, I try to redirect my thoughts towards something like this idea.

Breakfast is always going well. In addition, for the past few weeks, after breakfast and just before leaving for work, I’ve added a coffee with a bit of milk. So, in fact, you could say I’m actually eating more than expected for breakfast.
Both my mid-morning snack (yogurt with fruit) and my mid-afternoon snack (fruit and nuts) went well, too.

At lunch, though, my ED brain partially took over. Instead of 75 grams of couscous, I weighed out 55 grams. I didn’t use any fat (no oil, avocado, or nuts). But just before leaving for work again, I grabbed an apple and munched on it while walking to my car. Not because I was hungry. And it wasn’t because I felt guilty about restricting my lunch portions either. I think it was just a lack of satisfaction with what I’d eaten, and I hoped the apple (fresh, sweet, and crunchy) would give me the extra something that was missing from my meal.

At dinner, I also slightly reduced the carbs (70 grams of bread instead of 85) and used only a third of the oil. But when I was preparing the snacks for the next day, I didn’t hold back from "cleaning the spoon" of the leftover yogurt after portioning it into the bowls.
And both after lunch and after dinner, there was the now inevitable coffee with a bit of milk.

I realize that while, on the one hand, I’m "cheating" more than I was weeks ago (the milk in my coffee, that bit of extra yogurt, etc.), in reality, I’m slipping backwards. When I feel hunger pangs, or my body sends signals that it needs energy, I tense up and start calculating everything I’ve eaten. Instead of saying, "Okay, that makes sense, maybe I could give my body a bit more if it needs it," I react in the opposite way. "No, you ate an hour ago, now you wait. No, you’ve already eaten too much, let’s round down at lunch. No, you can’t be hungry. My body is sending me the wrong messages because it doesn’t know what to do, but my mind does, and the solution isn’t to eat more but to eat less."

I won’t lie, I still don’t know the exact cause of my anorexia. On the surface, I thought it was just a physical issue—I don’t like my body. But in my sessions with the psychologist, we’re working on many other aspects, and she’s convinced that there’s something deeper. Over the past few weeks, we’ve been digging a lot into my life, especially my childhood, so I’d like to think that this (slight) setback might be linked to the fact that maybe we’re getting closer to the root of the problem, and my brain is reacting this way because it’s scared of me uncovering it. Who knows!

There are also two other things on the horizon that I think are affecting me. The first is that next Saturday (the 21st) is a friend’s wedding. I’ve made up a lie to avoid going to the restaurant, but I’ll be attending the ceremony. And even though I’ll be wearing a dress I bought when I weighed more, I’m already having a thousand negative thoughts. It won’t fit me right. My stomach will show. I won’t be dressed well enough for the event. Every possible negative thought has crossed my mind.
The second thing is my next appointment with the dietitian on the 19th. I haven’t been able to follow through on what they told me (not to weigh my food but "eyeball" it), and on one hand, I’m worried about how they’ll react. On the other hand, I don’t want to show up having gained weight because I’m scared they might think I’m cured or that they’ve helped me when, in reality, they haven’t at all.

Sorry. Once again, I’ve written a ton…