Accountability thread 9/30 - 10/6

Friday 10/4

I had another win last night. ED brain kicked in after dinner and before bed. It was encouraging me to have a session, after all my school day was going to be easier and it was going to be Friday. I paused though and told myself that I'd much rather wake up Friday well rested, nourished, and excited for the day.

I went to bed and woke up just like that. A little extra spring to my step and glad I made the responsible decision.

Morning routine was great and school went smoothly too. Home now relaxing and I was looking forward to a little nap and evening with some shows I've been enjoying

Keeping in mind how "future me" is going to feel and how he wants to feel seems to be a way to quiet down ED. I'll keep this strategy in mind 😊

10/4 Friday

Hi guys just wanted to update and say I’ve been doing well. I was really tired today and for some reason felt a lot hungrier than usual and I think I could have eaten healthier choices but I had a cookie and two croissants as my snacks which makes me feel a bit guilty but not going to let it bring me down. I’ll get back on track tomorrow. Just happy my binge free streak is still going strong!

10/5 Saturday

Hi guys! Another day of overeating sweets. Not a binge but starting to feel like I’m sort of slipping. I haven’t worked out in a little while too so maybe once I get back on track with that I’ll start to feel more disciplined. Wish me luck!

Hi everyone,
As usual, I couldn’t write over the weekend, but Monday mornings have become our regular catch-up time. While I’m driving to the office, I always think about how I’ll check in here to update you, and it’s become something I look forward to. Partly because I consider some of you as friends now, and partly because writing down what I’m going through – honestly and without any filter – helps me come to terms with my anorexia and my recovery in a way that would be much harder face-to-face. When I talk to real people (not that you aren’t real!), I tend to feel judged, but here I can speak the truth.

On Saturday morning, I went out with my husband to run some errands, and despite having had breakfast not long before, I felt hungry. I had a feeling it might be one of those days where I could "go a little wild." As we often do on Saturday mornings, we stopped by a café we like because they serve excellent organic coffee and have a great selection of plant-based milk options (still quite rare in Italy). They also have lots of vegan pastries (another rare find here). While we were walking towards the café, I thought, "My husband will probably get a pastry like every Saturday, and maybe I could surprise him by getting one too. I’m hungry despite just having eaten. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something? I could try to listen to it."

But… the stars didn’t align. Just as we were about to enter the café, my husband mentioned that he was only going to have coffee because he had taken a piece of sweet chocolate focaccia I made for him out of the freezer, and that would be his treat for the day. And of course, my ED brain immediately kicked in, telling me there was no way I could get a pastry and be the only one eating. If we were both eating, fine, but alone? What kind of impression would I make? I’d look like a greedy pig! Besides, I’d just had breakfast – it didn’t make sense to stuff myself with something full of sugar and junk. So, I ended up just having coffee, and the rest of the morning went on like any other Saturday morning…

My ED brain convinced me that I made the right choice by skipping the pastry, especially since I tried something new for lunch, as suggested by my new dietitian. She asked me to try eating something “off-plan,” not prepared by me down to the last gram. So, we bought some fresh pumpkin and parmesan tortelli at the supermarket. While they were cooking, I read the ingredients and immediately felt a wave of anxiety. "You don’t know how much of each ingredient is in there! There’s both butter and oil – oh my god, so much fat! Pumpkin was listed as a carb in your very first diet, so you’re basically eating carbs on carbs with fat!" And those were just some of my thoughts…

When it came time to divide the tortelli between my plate and my husband’s, I made sure my portion was significantly smaller. I dressed his tortelli, but hardly put anything on mine. I even tried to shake off what little sauce there was, hoping to remove any extra calories. But my afternoon snack and dinner were both on plan, so at least I didn’t feel guilty about that.

On Sunday, we went for our usual run, and I did something pretty special. At one of the refreshment points (where I usually just grab water or maybe a slice of apple), I had a small piece of jam tart. Maybe it was the leftover craving for the pastry I didn’t have the day before, or maybe it was a moment of weakness (or lack of oxygen to my brain from running! Just kidding!). But I allowed myself to have a taste, and it was delicious! Maybe it wasn’t even an amazing tart, but since I hadn’t had any in so long, I found it incredible.

That morning, I ran 13 kilometers. I can’t believe I’m covering these distances now, considering that just a few months ago, running even 1 kilometer felt impossible! I can’t deny that nutrition plays a huge part in this. I can only do this if I fuel my body. A part of me listens to the angel on my shoulder telling me to eat. It’s just that most of the time, I listen to the devil telling me not to... Like on Sunday at lunch, after running 13 kilometers, I still restricted my carbs and fats. But at least I had my afternoon snack properly.

For dinner, we had pizza, and this time I ordered a pizza that I actually liked – not the usual veggie pizza without mozzarella just to keep it light. I did ask them to remove one ingredient that seemed too fatty, but still, it was a "normal person" pizza with cheese.

So, between Saturday and Sunday, I ate several things outside my comfort zone (the tortelli on Saturday, the tart, and the pizza on Sunday), but at the same time, I reduced the portions of other meals to compensate. I know Phoenix will probably say that I found a balance, but it would be nice to live my relationship with food more freely – without overthinking every bite or calculating everything because of this voice in my head telling me I’ll gain weight. Or without the constant fear of being judged for whatever I eat. But little by little, I’ll get there...

I hope your week ended well, and I’ll go create the thread for the next one (link here below). See you there! Take care, everyone!

NEW WEEKLY THREAD: https://www.7cups.com/forum/eds/General_2454/AccountabilitythreadOctober7th13th_337981/