Relapse into restrictive eating disorder
I was completely out of it for 5 years. No thoughts about food, no depression, no wanting to get thinner, none of that sh*t.
And now here I am, back at it. I told my first lie to a loved one today. I mean the first lie about food because of the current relapse. I don't want that. But I've not been able to stop. I'm trying to fight it, but it keeps coming back every day. It's been only a week of restricting, but it's bad. It started because of the ongoing situation of not being able to find a job and not feeling I'd succeed in keeping it, being more and more broke and feeling out of hope. Then all it took was a trigger, someone saying the wrong things regarding my adhd and my strong suspicions about being autistic as well, my intention to ask for an assessment and accomodations. "You're just looking for excuses, you just need to move your a**, another label isn't going to change anything". Well if nothing is going to be any different and my best has never been enough maybe I'm just not cut for surviving. And that's when eating disorders gain a lot of appeal. I never felt overweight, it's never been about improving my appearance, I never restricted to try and live. It's always been to try and disappear. I don't even have the heart to tell people who care for me how bad it's gotten. Knowing of and witnessing my daily struggles and my depression is already heavy on them. I don't know how to get help. I don't know if to even hope for help if I keep being dismissed and not believed. I don't know what to do
