Really want to stop fighting....
I find it so much easier to lift other people up, but to do this for myself....so exhausting. :/ I really, really, really want to stop fighting back this week. I want to let the ED win. I want to give into the gremlins that tell me I need to loose more weight. Just a little... no one will notice a little. I know it's too much already, that it needs to slow down and for a while I did slow down - but I'm so tired of pushing back. It's like I'm on the edge of a deep hole and it's creeping closer to me. I keep pushing the edge of that hole back. One day it gets closer to me and I have the strength to take a step backwards, but the next day I nearly fall in. This week, I'm hovering on the edge, my legs are dangling over and I just want to fall in. I just want to let it swallow me whole. I keep telling myself that I can stop it whenever I want, but really it's just a daily struggle of pushing back against it and I'm so tired of it. It never goes away and it's so much easier just to let it swallow me.
Ok. Done venting... :/
@KatieMoon1, thank you for sharing your struggle. Yes often it can feel like lifting others is easier than lifting yourself. It can be indeed difficult to not give in and continue to struggle for the hope of any bit of recovery and often giving up feels like what we want cause it is easier. I like the example of the whole you used. it feels like you are exhausted at the moment. Can you think of any way through which you can maybe relax for a while? anything that helps you ?
@EssenceOfHope
I don't know. I keep holding out for the weekend when I can do something else. I don't get much rest as I work 8 hrs a day and commute for 3. I'm barely surviving right now. I'm not in a good place. I've told my doctors and my therapist and hopefully Someome can help hold me up. Ugh. Sorry.
@KatieMoon1 Recovery is certainly not a smooth process, as I'm sure you know. I know bounce back and forth between bingeing and restricting almost all the time, and I agree that fighting those demons is one of the hardest and most exhausting things I've ever had to do. It's not easy but I know you're strong. You can do this. Keep fighting and good luck! 
@beautifulKoala49
Thanks for your faith in me. I am feeling better today because it's the weekend and I started a new medication today that's supposed to help. It's given me a crazy amount of energy so at least there's that. I wish it turned off the thoughts too. They're still there. :/ Maybe with time and work.