Possible TW? I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what to do.

Hi, so I’m really struggling and don’t know what to do.

I’ve struggled for more years than I can remember with eating, wanting to lose weight. I was in hospital 2 years ago and was a ‘healthy weight’ so got diagnosed with Disordered eating meaning the eating disorders services won’t help me.

I was NG tube fed for months and in hospital on and off for the last 2 years. I’ve lost weight and my BMI is now apparently dangerously low, but still get no support as it’s not an ‘eating disorder’.

I’m now in a wheelchair due to severe hip pain and have been for 18 months. After numerous opinions and scans, they now believe it’s due to my weight and my bones can’t deal with me walking. But despite this, still no support.

I’m now at a point I don’t even want the support though, they’ve belittled me so many times and made me feel so bad about myself and invalid that I don’t want their help. All I want is to lose weight. But at the same time, I want to walk again and the thought of being able to walk but gaining weight is terrifying. Despite what dr’s are saying, I still see me as being overweight, they can see my bones but all I can feel is fat.

I’m struggling so much with my eating at the moment, I’ve now brought gummies to try help me lose weight along with laxatives, I’m eating a mouthful or 2 of dinner each day and what I do eat I bring back up after. My hairs falling out and thinning, I can’t think properly, I’m cold ALL the time and just feel so weak, as if I’m about to pass out every time I move. How do I change? My GP and family say it’s anorexia, but without the diagnosis of the eating disorders team, I get no support. I don’t even know what it is - is it anorexia? Or is it disordered eating? I just don’t know and I don’t know what to do anymore.