Diet/Nutrition Accountability Thread (8/5-8/11)

@Phoenix22k, @Turtle,

Thank you both for the best wishes. It was quite a strange day yesterday. We were cleaning up as usual, getting things ready to donate or pack up to move. We had a lunch date with our daughter-in-law and number two granddaughter, and then got a call that there was a request to show the house in the afternoon, which was totally unexpected. So 45 minutes before we had to leave for lunch, we had to busily clean up the house. That was no fun. But lunch was very nice, and we had a very good time.

The important thing for all of us, or for me, to share with you is that I ate everything on my plate. I had my two poached eggs, hash browns, and rye toast. I don't normally finish everything off, but I did. I think having the two protein shakes a day during the week has expanded my stomach some, and has had the side effect of increasing hunger. ED brain did not get to me yesterday. There are times when it did get to me during the week.

The house showing was a complete waste of time, but of course we had to stay away. So I didn't get to do anything that I really wanted to do for my birthday. Phoenix, thanks for the link to, or the reference to the Buddhify app. I keep thinking as we go along through these weeks that somehow dealing with ED brain can be managed with a mindfulness approach. It may never go away, but recognizing when it shows up and letting it pass in a mindfulness approach seems like a very healthy way to go.

I have 35 or more years of therapy under my belt. And so, you know, while it's been very helpful, I still kept eating problems to myself. As I said early on, I never disclosed to, you know, never was honest with myself or my wife or any of my doctors. I'm only now within the last couple of weeks, you know, being honest with everyone about it. But I think within the past week personally, I'm making some progress. So that's my update for the past week. Now we're a year older. And no wiser and still have to get rid of this house!

Well, I checked and while I'm not really a cheapskate, Buddhify is now $3.99 US, but Medito is a meditation app that I have used for many, many years, which has always been free, or they have only subtly asked for donations, which I have given to the foundation, but that's a nice alternative, that's M-E-D-I-T-O.

Hi both,

What are the benefits you’re experiencing from meditation?

I don’t do it and never really liked it (but maybe I didn’t find the right app) so I was wondering if I should try it again, and why

Hi both,

What are the benefits you’re experiencing from meditation?

I don’t do it and never really liked it (but maybe I didn’t find the right app) so I was wondering if I should try it again, and why

@Turtleonmyleftarm

@enigmaticOcean8813

Hey Turtle! While I'm not a perfect representative of the meditation community, I do find that it helps me calm down and if anything acts as a buffer when I am feeling temptations to binge.

I have practiced yoga in the past, and have a certification to instruct as well, and part of that training focused on meditation. Nothing too in-depth, but there definitely is something to the act of just sitting, breathing, and trying to let your thoughts pass. 

There are numerous ways to go about it, one of my favorites is a "full-body-scan" where you sit and take deep breaths imagining yourself checking in on each part of your body. This has helped me many times fall asleep as well. Other mediations include repeating a mantra in your head, and if you notice your thoughts going away from it, simply returning.

This is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak but nearly all of the people/podcasts I have listened to about people overcoming addictions, challenges, have found some healing in meditation. 

Key thing is to start small and do not feel like you are doing it wrong! I sit in a comfy chair with some pillows as just sitting cross legged without support bothers my back. The main thing is just taking time to yourself, using deep breaths, and trying to let thoughts pass as they come.

@enigmaticOcean8813

Firstly, I'm so glad to hear about your success with your diet recently and how you are incorporating more food/protein shakes into your diet and that you even "enjoyed" your lunch! Really big accomplishments!

Bummer that Buddify is now 3.99! I must have downloaded it in the past when it was free and was grandfathered in. There are "extras" I can buy but haven't. Sorry for the misinformation. But there are a lot of other apps, which you have found, that can be helpful for the practice.

I really admire and resonate with what you said, "ED brain may never go away".  I think about this often, like what it would be like to be "normal" but truth is, I do not think that may ever be the case. And what is "normal" anyway?  Instead, I'm trying to think of it as just a part of who I am. Not my favorite part, but in some ways it has made me grow/improve. I think that the key thing is managing it as you said.

Nice job and I hope you are able to get the house sold and that moving is not too stressful!

Hi Phoenix,

It seems to me you had a very good day and I love how you’re recognising your inner ED brain’s thought and are working to shut it down (or better making it understand what it’s telling you is ***).

I love it how cleaning makes you feel satisfied, it’s the same for me! And it’s a workout too! We should always remember our brains that!!!

Accountability for Sunday, August 11th. 

Today I went for a 12 km run that turned into a walk because it’s the hotter day of the year and I risked melting. 

For lunch I really went out of my comfort zone but I knew it - actually it was a lunch I had planned and really, really wanted to do for a long time. 

We went to try a very nice vegan restaurant (I’m not vegan, just curious) and it was amazing!!! We ate so well! I will describe the dishes below, so you can skip that part if you’re not interested. 

And I am determined to shut my head up whenever it tells me I ate too much, since it was too good to let my brain ruin this experience, and I’ve been wanting to try that restaurant for so long, I was checking its dishes even in my worst ED days. 

I am worried about other lunches and dinners I will have to eat out in the next couple of weeks, but not for today. I ate carbs, I ate fats, I ate dessert… But no, I am not going to feel guilty. Not even if I had to walk instead of running the entire race. Not even if I felt full after. Not even if I am going to have diner later no. 

NOT TODAY, STUPID ED BRAIN. Not today!!!!

*** 

My husband and I took different dishes because we wanted to share them and taste as much as we could, so we split everything. 

For starters we had a chickpea polenta with roasted pepper cream and vegan feta cheese, and babaganoush, an eggplant cream with confit cherry tomatoes, zucchini spaghetti, and seed crackers.

As our main dishes we had seitan with green peppercorn cream and roasted baby potatoes, and tempeh with ginger carrot cream, cashew sauce, and arugula. 

The two desserts were a chocolate cake with red fruits cream, and a green matcha tea and cashew half-sphere covered with coconut cream with lime and mango cream. 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

"NOT TODAY, SUPID ED BRAIN" I love how since the start you have addressed this part of your thinking, and how you "speak" to it. It has helped me to do the same, and it really does help!

Awesome job looking forward to a meal and enjoying it! I have not been to a formal vegan restaurant but eat a lot of veggies as it is and also share your curiosity. It sounds like it was delicious!

Remember your victory today and as you face the challenges that come, use that as a springboard for success moving forward. While each day will have it's own challenges you are doing a great job at fueling your body and "rewiring" your thoughts. 

I hope ED brain is less noisy today for you!

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

Nice job managing lunch yesterday, Turtle. I must say that the menu sounded wonderful. I can just imagine sitting here eating it myself, but I know my "ED brain" would kick in with the dessert. I'm glad you were able to manage it and enjoy the experience.

I must say I admire both of you for being able to run and walk. I guess I can walk with my walker, but it's not the same experience as when I was much younger. You have great aerobic activities, and I know that Phoenix has mentioned on occasion that he builds in exercise snacks. Turtle, I wonder if you have been doing the same thing, either from the Guardian list or from the Darebee list, so that you have both aerobic and anaerobic activities.

Besides the mindfulness meditation control of our "ED brains" collectively, I've been wondering lately, as I read our messages and think about our collective experiences, what is it about ED that draws us to an exercise regimen? Of course, it's healthy for everyone, but it seems to be a significant part of what we do to manage our lifestyles. Maybe I'm wrong, and if I am, please tell me, but I would be interested to know what you think.

Thanks Phoenix and Ocean for your kind comments and support!

No, Ocean, I haven’t tried the workouts from the Guardian or Darebee yet. I just run and go to the gym at the moment.

Regarding you question “what draws us to an exercise regimen”, I think probably everyone is different and gets to it for a different reason. I know most people with EDs do it just to burn calories or get a better body. For me it started as a way of burning stress and negative energies from work, and then it became a way to maintain wellness and improve my energy levels. I also think we could be drawn to the routine (our brains tend to be quite obsessive and like to repeat things) and also to dopamine released by sport.

But for me what did the trick was the personal trainer that helped me for the prehab and rehab of my hip surgery. When I met him in my mind I was still the fat teenager who couldn’t do sports and was made fun of. I was hopeless at any “sport movement”, didn’t know the muscles and how to activate them, and was always sure she would never be able to overcome her limits and that she was bad at anything sports related. He looked at me and simply refused to believe that story or treat me as I was unable to do sports. He took my hand and showed me I was able to do things I still think I can’t do, and he always believes in me and challenges me. And he made me a better person! And I am probably a little bit addicted to sport, but I am actually addicted to improving myself to prove my classmates and professors and friends were wrong, and that he and I are right, and that I can always get better.

August 11

It was another really nice day, both weather wise, and in terms of my diet. Just odd how some days my ED brain is in "high-gear" and other days it is not. I have been getting a bit more sleep recently, which likely helps. From what I have read, sleep really does impact a lot of things.

My Sunday workouts are "easier" in my mind, but still challenging, followed by a 5k run. All meals were good and kept down. 

Prior to lunch ED brain kicked in but I was able to quiet it down after remembering my progress so far. I can almost anticipate it now, before/after lunch and dinner. Breakfast however is usually always "ED brain free". I think this is because I have a list of things I do afterwards that keep me occupied. 

A good day, and I am starting to look forward to "challenging" myself and my ED brain. With some victories under my belt I can feel some confidence building. 

Hi @Phoenix, very nice job yesterday managing exercise, food, and ED brain. It's good to have a victory under your belt.

I wonder what it is about breakfast being ED brain-free. I always have the same experience, but I've always attributed mine to one particular medication that I take, which I take three times a day starting in the morning. By the evening, I just don't want to eat, but the only time I can really eat is at breakfast time.

Maybe there's more to it than just the medication in my case, since you seem to be experiencing very similar symptoms. It's strange that breakfast is ED brain-free. I've always attributed it to medication, and I mentioned this to my primary care physician last Tuesday. She got really mad at me because I had not talked to her about restricting food intake. And then I had to admit to her that I didn't tell her, I didn't tell myself, I didn't tell my wife, I didn't tell the psychiatrist, I didn't tell the GI doctor, I didn't tell the neurologist, I didn't tell the neurosurgeon, I didn't tell the mailman. You know, I think it was a dirty little secret, but I hope that's a little bit behind me.

Boy, I'm really jealous, though, that you can manage a 5K run. You know, I could never do it. During COVID, our university had a 5K run challenge that was a fundraiser. Since we were all quarantined, we could do it at home, on the road, or on our treadmills. So I did it on the treadmill, but at a very slow speed. It was probably the only time in my life that I did a 5K. And for me, it wasn't easier, but, you know, again, I really admire the two of you.

I don't know how you manage running. So I'd end with a question for both of you: how is it that you found yourself running? Has it always been part of your makeup, or is it something to do with ED, or is it something behavioral that came after the fact? You don't have to share, I'm just curious.

Hi Ocean,

I partially answered in my previous comment, but I found myself running just a couple of months ago.

I was never able to do it. First because I was the fat teenager who could not do anything. Then due to a hip impingement that made walking (my previous sport) painful.

Then I met a personal trainer who helped me with prehab and rehab after surgery and one day he challenged me to run. I couldn’t resist for more than 30 seconds! But he kept saying I could do it, so I decided to try and build it up when I was home so he could see some improvement (as I thought I would not be able to improve in the gym doing it only twice a week and I wanted

him to see the results and be proud of me).

At the beginning I could not run to save my life, then it slowly became a little better and I would give myself small goals - one minute. Two minutes. Up until that house. Resist until the next crossing.

I am still learning, still improving. Not eating enough stopped my progress and that’s why I decided I needed to do something, to get help. Sports, and that trainer (who actually was the only one to realise I was getting ill and helped me and still supports me) have been the only reason for me to try and overcome anorexia, and that’s why I say they saved my life

@enigmaticOcean8813

Thanks for everything Ocean :) These posts really bring me joy and I'm grateful for my little cheering crew!

Running... Interestingly, I do not particularly LOVE it but have come to appreciate it more. I grew up playing soccer which involved running, but never at extended lengths. I started doing obstacle course races, probably 10 years ago, and that was my first "big" run, 10 miles. What I find nice about the obstacle races though is that there are "breaks" built into the running. So while I have done things like a 13 mile obstacle race, the longest "regular-run" I have done really has only been a 10k (6 miles or so).

Each morning during the week I do a little 1.5 mile run after my strength workout. It doesn't seem like much but even doing that has helped me do very well in my obstacle course races. On weekends I have a 5k route as my strength workouts are a little less intense, and it helps build up some more tolerance for the longer races.

I think the thing that helped me is I stopped worrying so much about the "time" I was completing things in. While it is a great feeling to get a PR, when starting out I just had my watch and would aim for a certain distance. I find myself jogging then sometimes am like "okay lets sprint a little" then jog a little more, and if need be walk. Knowing that running/cardio is good for my health helps too.

I know there are a lot of challenges with running, but I encourage you to try out biking/cycling, or even just walking. Again, start small, stay consistent, and build on that if you are interested!

Hi Phoenix,

good to hear you had another positive day!

I love it that you’re resting more, and better. I think eating better could also help you sleep better. Moreover I read that if you don’t sleep enough you feel more hungry, which could also lead to binging. So great job resting more!

Regarding breakfast, as you and Ocean I always find it a little bit easier than the other meals. Maybe it’s because we have “cancelled” our thoughts during the night and we start over less stressed? Or maybe we tend to eat the same thing and we feel more confident using our comfort foods rather than changing more (as in lunches and dinners)? Or - for Phoenix only - if like me you have breakfast after your workout/run, maybe it’s because of the dopamine? I never actually thought about this, I am looking forward to tomorrow morning’s breakfast to try and think about this!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Great insights Turtle! The dopamine thing is exactly why I thought "exercise snacks" before meals would help curb things. I did find this helpful, but I just wish I did not have to "rely" on this before every meal as it is not really feasible. I think about if I'm out to dinner, what would I do? 

"Hold on before dinner I have to go run around the block!" haha. Joking, but these are things that I think of. But I am working on smaller, things that seem to help.

I do think there is something to be said, especially in that my binge sessions are a dopamine hit, so I need to find something that can provide that joy/satisfaction, outside of food.

Hi @enigmaticOcean

Congrats for managing to enjoy your lunch out in spite of the unexpected house visit, and eating everything that was on your plate!

Its amazing that the protein shakes are starting to give you some results. And more importantly I think it’s great you’ve started to come clean with everyone involved in your health about your “secret” anorexia. I think this is probably the most important step in your recovery.

YOU 👏🏻 ARE 👏🏻 DOING 👏🏻 GREAT!!!