Accountability thread 9/2 - 9/8

Here is more on coffeeH

Drinking Coffee Might Help You Manage Your Weight—As Long As You Skip the Sugar

,,, and another:

The Best Time of Day To Drink Your Daily Cup of Coffee

@enigmaticOcean8813

Thanks coffee man 😜

Monday, September 2nd

Hi everyone,

Today's accountability thread for Monday, September 2nd, isn't particularly exciting. Thankfully, I prepare my meals in advance (breakfast, snacks, and lunch), so I managed to eat what I was supposed to. The only thing I slightly cheated on was breakfast, where I used 35 grams of oats instead of 40 grams. But honestly, if I had had to prepare my meals from scratch today, I would have cut back much more as a consequence of having eaten so much last night (guilt). 

Having my packed lunch ready with the "right" meal helped me stick to what I had planned. As I'm writing this, it's late afternoon, almost time to leave the office and head home. So, I don't know yet if dinner will also follow the dietitian's plan or if I'll restrict something, but I hope I can continue to make you proud of me.

Today was officially my first day back at the office after three weeks of vacation. The return wasn't as traumatic as I expected, partly because I kept an eye on my emails from my phone, managing the most important things or responding to quick requests (which helped me avoid a lot of tasks that would have felt overwhelming today). Also, throughout the summer, I tried to keep my usual routines as much as possible – waking up early, sticking to my meal plan, and going to bed early. On one hand, you could say, "What a bore, did you even enjoy your vacation?" But on the other hand, I have to say that this really helped me not to struggle too much with coming back to work. I think it also helped me maintain a certain regularity in all aspects of my life, including my diet, so I'm happy about that.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back into my daily exercise routine! This morning, I just took a walk with my dogs, giving my body a chance to recover from the past week and yesterday's run. Plus, during my lunch break today, I went to see my psychologist, who is helping me with my anorexia. So, I did something "for myself" today too.

I told you this wasn't an interesting post! Hahaha... I hope your day was perfect! Sending you all a big hug.

That’s awesome that you’re seeing a psychologist! Incredible progress!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sorry to hear your vacation has come to an end! But at the same time it is probably nice to get back into a routine. At least that is often how I feel.

Sounds like you did rather well with your meal prep and diet. You cut back a little bit for your breakfast, but you have also done a great job at adding in little things here and there. I think overall you've made great choices to balance out your meals.

Know that you are again not alone in keeping your routine even over the summer. I do the same thing. Wake up pretty much the same time, eat similarly, I just find it much easier for when I do return to "normal" my body doesn't go into shock. You are definitely not a bore! And well if you are, so am I. I like keeping in the rhythm. Plus, when everyone else is complaining about getting used to their routines again, I/we are already ahead of the game. So stick to what you know works!

I hope your visit with your psych went well and that they are as proud of you as I am! You've made some great strides in the past few weeks. I'm curious to know what they think.

Sending a hug back to ya!

9/2 Monday

Hi today was a not so good day. I ended up binging on junk food after lunch today, took a nap from feeling so fatigued after, and then went on a 1 mile run + 3 mile walk to make up for the binge even thought I already worked out this morning. It’s now 8 pm and I’m not very hungry and I’m likely going to skip dinner 🥴🥴 I know it’s not healthy. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

@orangeSpruce9113

Hi Orange, 
I am sorry you didn't have a good day today. 
Unfortunately recovery is never a straight road, it's got ups and downs and it's infuriating when things like these happen.  
But please do not give up! And remember you've already got a 3-day streak under your belt, so you've made 3 huge steps forward. You've walked one step back, but your count is still positive. 
3 steps forward, 1 step back, it means you're still 2 steps ahead of when you first started! You're still going forward, and since you've recognized what happened and you're here, writing about it, it means you're still doing your best to recover. 
I am sure tomorrow will be a better day, and today will serve as a lesson anyway as in recovery we're constantly learning... 
I am sending you a huge hug, and I am looking forward to reading tomorrow's report as I am confident it will be much much better!

@orangeSpruce9113

Hey orange! I'm still so proud of you for the 3 days being binge free. I personally know how hard it is, and know the feelings that come along with a relapse. 

As turtle said, you've shown your capable, and even that is something to celebrate!

Just to get an idea and to try to help, was there a particular trigger or feelings that made you want binge? For me boredom is a big one. ED brain is just like... eat... eat... eat... 

Sending you a hug and hoping that Tuesday you got back on track!

@Phoenix22k

I think boredom is a big one for me too. Yesterday I do think boredom was the key trigger because I was just kind of stuck at home with nothing to do except eat. Thanks for your support!

Hi,
This message isn't an accountability thread for today, Tuesday, September 3rd (I'll send that later). Instead, this is a bit of a rambling post, inspired by something @Phoenix22k wrote a few days ago about our romantic and friendship situations. So, you can totally ignore and skip this post because I'm afraid this "analysis" of mine, which I didn't plan and am writing off the cuff, will end up being as long as Tolstoy's War and Peace! But I think it's helpful for me to put these thoughts into writing; who knows, maybe it will help me organize my mind a bit and perhaps make some decisions about how to proceed in my life regarding friendships.

Phoenix, a few days ago you mentioned how you don't actually have many friendships (although you are doing a great job of trying to come out of your shell through activities with the church, the YA group, helping the old gentleman with writing his autobiography, etc.). This is something you've touched on before, and it has always struck me because even though it might seem on the surface that I have "a perfect life" — with a loving husband, my dogs, a good job, etc. — in reality, there are many similarities in our situations.
I too, I'll admit, don't have Friends with a capital F. The real ones, the ones you can count on at any time, the ones you can confide any problem to, the ones you would go to the moon for if they asked you.
And this has pretty much always been the case. When I was a child, I had a friend I considered my best friend, but when I look back now, I see how even then, our relationship was a bit unbalanced, with me being the one who gave up everything and did whatever it took to make her happy, just to make sure she liked me. Then we went our separate ways because of different schools, and I found a new friend. In this case, I also thought I had found a friendship for life, but it was just an illusion, so much so that when we changed schools, we drifted apart.
Over time, I began to accept that this was normal. Friendships change, people change. It’s normal that what connects you to a person at 8 years old can be different from what draws you to another friendship at 18, and these personal and social variations help shape us and make us grow. So, when I found a new friend I considered special at university, I thought that, after all, this could be a friendship that would continue into adult life, as we were two mature girls and not just kids anymore. Spoiler: even in this case, it didn't go as I had hoped! Messages became more and more sporadic, responses less interested, and in the end, we only talk to wish each other happy birthday and for a fake “you know, we should meet for a drink” that never happens. This year, in particular, this friend sent me a message suggesting we meet, and I said I would love to. Then she told me she would check her schedule the next day to suggest a date, and she never did. I've thought several times about writing to her to remind her to let me know her availability, but at some point, I don’t know if it was out of self-respect or a desire not to be considered only if I'm the one making all the effort to be seen, and I decided not to write to her. She will probably get in touch next year for my birthday, or maybe we'll exchange Christmas wishes, and that's okay. I'm tired of being the one who fights to keep friendships alive.
For a couple of years, I had a friendship at work that I thought was very deep and important. I also had more than a good relationship with a couple of other colleagues. In the end, we had built a little group of friends/colleagues who got along well, helped each other, and collaborated a lot in the company, improving both the general working conditions and the office performance. Then a new girl arrived, who was more outgoing than me, more extroverted and fun, and I lost some connection with what I considered "my" friend because the two of them were much more alike and started getting along very well. At the same time as this new hire, my role in the company changed a bit because I started having different tasks than my colleagues (which they surely started to be jealous of), and I began to spend less time with them. In addition (mea culpa), I found out about my hip problem and took several absences to have all the necessary check-ups and exams, and I was very worried about the surgery. Between the different work from theirs and the worry about the surgery, I definitely distanced myself from them — but I didn’t do it on purpose. In fact, I didn't even realize it! Instead of trying to understand what was wrong and whether I had really distanced myself from them or was just worried about something else, my friend and colleagues practically abandoned me. They started treating me badly, stopped talking to me except for strictly work-related reasons (and doing so with really unpleasant tones). And when I asked them what had happened, they accused me of being full of myself because of my new role, and things like that, when in reality, I wasn't even thinking that my new task had made me “different” from them! I apologized, explained that I was just very worried about the surgery, and tried to do everything I could to make up for it, but especially from my friend, I only got negative reactions. When I had the surgery, I didn't receive even a message to ask how I was doing (neither after the surgery nor during the whole month of convalescence away from the office), and even when I came back, there was not even a comment or a gesture of support. This behavior hurt me like never before. I completely detached myself from them, maintaining only a working relationship and deciding that I would never try to make friends at work again. The friend who was “my” friend then quit and changed jobs almost a year ago, and another one of the colleagues is about to finish her contract. Only the one who arrived last and contributed to distancing us remains. I never bonded with the new people — partly because they are all much younger than me, partly because I'm afraid that if I get close to them, I will be hurt again. Maybe this will make it seem like I'm snobbish because I have a higher role, but at this point, they can think what they want; I'm okay as long as I don't suffer.
The colleague friend was also one of my choices when I had to choose a maid of honor for my wedding. But when I got married, we hadn't known each other for long, and I was afraid it would be weird to ask her to have that role when we had only been friends for a few months. But I have never had great friends or long-lasting friendships. At that time, I had (and still have) another friend, also met through work, but she didn't work with me. She's a girl who works as an external supplier and follows our company’s marketing. By working together, we got closer, and I asked her to be my maid of honor. We still keep in touch, and we're still friends, but every time I happen to hear from her — especially recently — I always question our relationship.
I think what drew me to her was mainly admiration. I don't want this to be taken in a negative or mean way, so I hesitate a bit to write it, but I hope you will understand this correctly. This girl is overweight. I used to be very overweight, then lost a lot of kilos, but in my mind, it's as if I still weigh a lot, and I act as such. So I wear baggy clothes, I'm very conscious of my body, I’m very ashamed of showing myself, and if I can, I always try to go unnoticed. And even though surely no one notices certain flaws in my body, I always live with the concern that others will see, for example, if I have a pimple, if my belly is a bit more swollen, if there's any minor problem. This girl, on the other hand, has always radiated a truly enviable confidence in herself. She lives with her head held high, proud of herself, and aware of her physique. She wears even tight clothes and doesn’t mind sometimes saying things like “yesterday, I looked stunning,” whereas I, in my 36 years of life, don’t think I’ve ever even thought of being vaguely decent. So I think I got closer to her partly out of admiration, out of a desire to try to become like her and learn from her attitude. And then, on a mental level, she has always been a very engaging person. She’s a girl who has studied a lot, reads books that are intelligent and cultured (unlike me, who has always been into novels), etc., so maybe I hoped to elevate myself through her company.
Well, I realize now that maybe we were always too different and that our friendship was born only because of the forced closeness of work, but deep down, we don’t have that many things in common to really be friends. In our messages and exchanges, I always feel inferior to her. Also, she is very decisive, very confident, and often this attitude also results in a bit of a lack of manners. Not in the true sense of the word, because ultimately her upbringing leads her to always be polite. But I don't know how to explain it, but these curt responses and haughty attitude, which often leave no room for opinions different from hers, given how I am, often leave me baffled because I, on the contrary, am someone who always tries to mediate, not to impose, to make “as little noise as possible". 
I keep maintaining this somewhat one-sided friendship with this girl because I realize that without her, I wouldn't have any friends. But I also realize that it’s no longer a true friendship, and if I stopped messaging her, I probably wouldn’t hear from her again.
Then, to be fair, I do have acquaintances (less close friends). But my problem is that I’m not good at deepening these acquaintanceships to turn them into real friendships. It’s as if no spark has been lit to take them to the next level. And I don’t know how to make new friends. I’m shy; when I’m in places with more people, I tend to be the one who listens and smiles but rarely interacts much. For example, I hoped that by going to the gym, I would make some friends, and indeed there are a few people I say hello to, and maybe we even crack a joke. But nothing that goes beyond that or could lead me to take another step (I can’t suggest going out for a drink; our greetings and chats are too sporadic and superficial, I’d come off as a psycho!).
The only person I feel a deep friendship with is my trainer at the gym, but ours isn’t a true friendship – and that can show just how messed up I am!
In essence, he’s the person I feel best with, even without the need to talk. Just being silent together makes me feel good, and I feel he’s close to me. He was the first person I confided my anorexia to, and he was the one who noticed something was wrong with me even before I did and has constantly supported me in my recovery journey. We don’t talk about it openly; it has only happened twice because there are always other people around. But just a look or a wink at the right moment is enough for him to let me know when he’s proud of me because he sees I’m getting better, or to let me know that he notices I’m going through a dark time and that he wants me not to give up.
But he and I can never truly be friends! Between us, there’s a purely professional relationship. And we have nothing in common! He’s a super athlete, a former successful soccer player, with a large family and young kids he adores and can’t stop talking about. I’ve never watched a soccer match, and in general, I know nothing about sports, I don’t have kids, I don’t want them, and I don’t even like other people’s kids (when they were handing out maternal instincts, I was in line for a love of animals).
Still, I’m really grateful to him for being there, and spending an hour or two a week at the gym with him is my me-time that makes me feel good and forget all the negative things. And he’s perhaps the only person (besides, of course, my husband) for whom – to paraphrase Bruno Mars – I would catch a grenade.
So, apart from my trainer and my husband, I’m practically alone. By the way, they’re the only ones who know about my anorexia, and my trainer might even know more than my husband...
I love my parents dearly, but we’ve always been used to being strong, soldier up! No mushy stuff or declarations of love or our problems. And of course, they don’t know anything about my diagnosis or even the fact that I might have any problem. They just think I’m very sporty and eat healthily, presumably as a result of my teenage overweight.
My husband knows, but according to my psychologist, he doesn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation. Partly because I’ve always been used to hiding problems and coping on my own, and partly because lately, he sees that I’ve taken control of the situation (therapy, new dietician, psychologist, etc.) and maybe he’s reassured himself that I’m recovering. Also, certain behaviors have become normal to him by now, and the weight loss, having been gradual, has been less noticeable to him compared to someone who sees me less often and can therefore see the difference (or compared to my trainer, who notices if, for example, I can do certain exercises or if I don’t have the strength). There could also unconsciously be a tendency to try to protect himself from the pain of having a sick person beside him and not knowing how to help them. In short, there are many things to consider because eating disorders don’t just affect the person suffering but also those around them...
This is my situation regarding human relationships and friendships. It’s not a particularly positive picture. I don’t know if anyone has actually read all this (I hope not for your sake, what a bore!) but, as I’ve already written, I did it more for myself, to see if all this could bring me some clarity. Whether it has or not, I still don’t know... But it certainly has helped me think a lot. Lunch break over, back to work!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I love that you shared all of this turtle. Again, the more we come to share, the more similarities I find.

Friends with a capital F are a great way to put it. I also would say I have very few, but I do have a lot of work colleagues and get along well with most people. I just don't confide in them or find them truly "deep". We correspond at work, one I did meet a few times to go to the amusement park together (we both love rollercoasters) but otherwise, they're just "work friends".

Growing up it seems it is easier to make friends. I had some from the soccer and bowling teams I played on, and the one who I would say is my "best friend" now lives 4 hours away and I have not even seen him in 2 years.. but we do catch up around the holidays. Another good friend is back in my home town, she knows a little bit more of my challenges. Her and I often confided in each other. She was in a very abusive relationship, had her first child at 20, has a second, dropped out of university, and just went through quite a bit. I listened to her through it all and since she has done an amazing job with her life and situation. Rocking it at work, found a new loving husband, and I'm so proud of her. She knows a bit of my past as well.

I dated a girl in high-school for 4 years and it was always about her and her family. Most of the time we would spend together would be at her place, with her family, and I realized that she really didn't care much for mine. I went to college, she did not. She also cheated on me after a year but we did "work things out" and stayed together a bit longer. With college we drifted a part, and honestly I was so relieved and happy to be "free-again". I didn't date in college because I didn't want to tie myself or anyone else down as to where life would lead us.

I got a job and moved away from my hometown. Leaving all my "friends" and connections nearly 4 hours away. I wasn't really sad about this though, but underestimated how hard it is as an adult to make friends, espeically being shy.

Post college I would say my ED really took off. I saw a therapist some, was feeling "better" and got back into dating. This was a big confidence boost as I never saw myself as attractive, or even really "good" at relationships, but I enjoyed the process mostly. But something always came up, the girls I'd meet would go back to their ex, or things wouldn't click. I got tired of paying for the sites and just being let down. One relationship lasted a few months, she was also recovering from a bad break up and some ED issues of her own. It was okay, but she had a huge friend bubble and was turned off by the fact that I didn't and that we often would just see her peers. For me, it wasn't a big deal, I'd let her go and have her fun and relax, but she seemed to see it as a deeper problem, which perhaps it is, but nothing I can fix quickly. We still keep in touch, but nothing romantic.

I just find it, challenging, being 33, to find others "like me". Most people around me at this age are married and have kids which makes their lives much different. Me, single, no kids ( I don't want them either!) just am not able to relate to them so well. They also have different interests outside of fitness, which is great, but another obstacle that helps me connect with them.

I'm also regularly shy, though I love talking to people, but am certainly not the social butterfly. People ask what I do on the weekends and it's exercise, go to the local coffee shop and read, relax, volunteer, and visit my parents. I'm hoping to one day notice a cute girl at the coffee shop reading a fantasy novel and it being love at first sight hahaha. 

I've come to get "used" to the idea of being single and honestly the thought of dating now stresses me out. Collogues have tried to find me dates, and I've gone on a few, but again they go back to exes or use that as an excuse. Whatever. So I go back and forth, do I want this, do I not? Add into the mix that I know I don't want kids, and generally speaking there goes a vast majority of women in their 20-30s who seem fixated on the idea. 

All this led me to 7 cups. Just wanting to feel heard, tell SOMEONE about my darkness, and hear support. I can't say enough how much this has all helped. I am trying to be more social and make connections. But, I with-hold a lot because I don't want to scare people away or even burden them. My parents, loving as they are, also don't quite see how deep the issues are (perhaps like your husband and your relationship).

But yes, I did read all of that, and really thank you for sharing :-) I could go on but I'm sure it'll come out here and there in our discussions.

You are awesome turtle! And your relationship with your husband gives me hope. I'll just keep improving little by little, and if someone comes along great, if not, I'll have the confidence and strength to be on my own (with Fenix) :)

@Phoenix22k

Hi Phoenix,

Did you really take the time and have the patience to read my whole boring story?

You’re truly amazing, and I’m sorry we’re on opposite sides of the world; otherwise, maybe we could be real-life friends. I already consider you guys my friends, though. I’ve found more help and support in this group than in any other aspect of my life, and I’ll always be grateful for that!

Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me – and you’re right, we always seem to have a lot in common.

I’m sorry that your experiences with dating haven’t been positive. In this regard, I consider myself both lucky and unlucky. I’ve never had anyone other than my husband because I was always too chubby and shy to date before him. Then, in university, I lost weight, met him through an activity we both did, and we’ve been together ever since. I’ve never had to go through the experience of dating sites, meeting many people, and trying to figure out if we were compatible. On one hand, maybe I missed out on an important part of personal growth, but at the same time, I understand (even from your story) that I’ve also spared myself some major headaches!!!

I totally get how it can feel challenging to connect with others when you're in a different place in life. It sounds like you're really clear on what you want and what makes you happy, and that's something to be proud of. I admire how you stay true to yourself, even if it means feeling a bit disconnected from others sometimes. And I love how you’re open to sharing you don’t want children too! It’s something most people hide, or are afraid to say out loud as it’s seen as a negative thing.

Being shy doesn't mean you're not interesting or worth knowing—actually, I think it makes those connections you do make even more meaningful. Your weekends sound pretty great to me, honestly. You’re doing things you enjoy and staying true to who you are, and that’s what really matters.

As for dating, I can imagine how stressful it can feel, especially with all the pressure that can come with it. But remember, it’s okay to take things at your own pace. If and when you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll find someone who appreciates you for exactly who you are. And who knows, that coffee shop fantasy could become a reality someday! I am already picturing it, like in a movie… It would be such a great moment! But don't forget you only count partially on this. Phoenix has to accept your girlfriend too 🤣 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I did read your story! I'm so glad to have this platform to open up about things and share all sorts of our challenges.

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement! It is neat having a friend over in Italy :) amazing how technology has the ability to bring people together. As for dating sites, they're okay and I know quite a few people who have found success. Myself, I'm more of a traditional person and would prefer to meet someone naturally. Though the sites did give me a confidence boost! I did not date much outside of my relationship and high school.

I always had the notion of finding a high-school sweetheart and then "checking-off" that box. Which I know is not the best way to think of relationships, so I'm actually grateful that it did not work out and has given me much more time to work on myself and find my "happy-place". After all I know of many relationships that have not worked out and led to divorce or just general unhappiness. So I try and tell myself that it's not always best.

I'm of the mindset that if it happens, it happens. My parents understand and are okay with it. It just is annoying when co-workers and peers are like "when are you going to find a girl?, when are you going to have kids, when... blah blah". Fact is times have changed since most of them were 33 and it's just not quite the same.

Anyway, again I love reading your posts and stories and everything you've share! 

Today is Saturday heading to the cafe haha 😄

@Turtleonmyleftarm., I read your whole story too and @Phoenix is right, the more we get to know each other, we learn how similar we are.  I have noticed it with each of you and I am looking forward to getting to know our new friends more.

@Phoenix22k,

Dear @Phoenix,

I'm sorry that my response is a week late. I'm terribly sorry, but I've just been so busy with the move. I try to sneak in bits of time when I can, and I have some privacy now with my wife out for lunch that I can respond.

We have similar backgrounds, although I didn't have a lot of dating experience when I was young. My eating disorders did not start out as anorexia. It began with a lot of binging, and eventually, when I started wrestling, the control led to anorexia in high school and college. I had friends—a small group of three of us hung out in high school. In college, a small group of us connected, including a couple of women, but there were no real relationships.

I had a couple of dating experiences that did not go very well at all. I never learned from them—never learned what I did wrong or how to improve, what I needed to do differently. I met the woman who became my wife in my late 20s, and in a couple of weeks, we celebrate our 40th anniversary. As trying as it is at times—and there are plenty of times when I would like some solitude—I don't know that I would change very much.

I like what you say, hoping one day to notice a cute girl at a coffee shop reading a fantasy novel. I mean, what could be better? I gave up reading most nonfiction and fiction and have been reading nothing but fantasy because there's nothing good in the world happening right now. It's pure escapism. But I guess my message is that it happens when you least expect it. I didn't see this coming. I didn't know—really didn't see—that she had an interest in me. She was waiting for a prior relationship to end before making a move.

Before I knew it, there I was, meeting her very large family, to which we are returning in just a little over two weeks. While it's still a larger group than I would like, I know it will make her happy to be back in her old stomping grounds. Phoenix, when the time is right, the same will happen for you too. Keep going to the gym, coffee shops, and bookstores—the places you like. You just never know who you'll run into and when.

I have great faith in you, and I know there is someone out there who would be very lucky to have you.

Accountability - Tuesday, September 3rd

My morning started with 45 minutes of exercise, followed by breakfast and the usual walk with the dogs. After that, I went to work, where I stayed all day because my car was at the dealership for maintenance and a service check, so I was stuck at my desk for the whole day. Breakfast and snacks were fine.

Lunch was whole wheat pasta (which I only eat once a week; despite being Italian, I’m not crazy about it) with tomato sauce, cherry tomatoes, and grass peas. Grass peas are a type of legume, and legumes contain both carbohydrates and proteins. Pasta is a carbohydrate. My brain couldn’t reconcile the two, and I couldn’t resist reducing the pasta by 10 grams. But in the end, 10 grams isn’t much, so I wasn’t that bad. At dinner, it was the same, a few grams less there too. But after dinner, I always prepare meals for the next day, and for several days now, I’ve developed the habit of licking the spoon after scooping yogurt from the jar or finishing off what’s left on the edges of the jar when it's empty. This, to me, is “cheating”; it's eating too much, but I like it, and it has become a little treat that I indulge in every evening. So, these small reductions from other meals help me feel more at ease when I enjoy the yogurt, allowing me to keep doing it…

Anyway, I’d say these are still positive days. I don’t think these small reductions are that significant, and in general, I feel like I've improved a lot, so I want to stay positive.

I hope your days are positive too! Hugs!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Nice job turtle! I have often wondered if there was truth to the whole "Italians love their pasta!" stereotype! Don't worry, I won't call the Polizia di Stato on you (I looked that up so blame wikipedia).

Again, to compare to what you shared in the past, it seems like your "fear" of foods has diminished some. It is still there of course, but to hear that you are only cutting back 10g here and there is great. You also have your added treats of licking the spoon, AND ENJOY IT! Which I think is huge. The fact that you are now enjoying food a bit more, really speaks a lot to your dedication to your diet.

So while not perfect, yes I agree that it was a great day. And the 10g might have been balanced out by a few snacks here and there. 

Great stuff!!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

PS. You are doing an incredible job with your English! Had you not told me you were learning I would not have guessed. To be quite honest some native speakers do not write as well as you!

@Phoenix22k

Thank you so much! Your comment means a lot to me. English has always been my favorite subject in school, and I also studied it at university. For work, I was the export manager of my company (although my role has now shifted more towards marketing), so I've always tried to perfect my English skills. Of course, like everything in life, it varies from day to day. Some days it comes more easily, while on others, certain concepts are harder to explain, and my English is full of mistakes... But I do my best

Monday 9/2 and Tuesday 9/3

Sorry for missing yesterday! It was labor day here in the US and while I really don't have an excuse as to why I didn't post (no big crazy party for me) I just lost track of time and enjoyed a day off. Forgive me!

Monday went okay. Morning workout and again hit those numbers for my bench press! It is challenging me, but in a good way. Then I met a friend, who did some obstacle races with me in the past, for coffee. Hey I guess I do have some friends! He is a great guy, knows a little of my history, and it was nice to catch up. He had a crazy health episode a few months back and is recovering, so may not ever be up to doing an obstacle race again, but he is still an inspiring person. I got invited to his wedding coming up in June. It was great to see him, and he was proud of everything I've been doing and always supportive. He doesn't know my daily struggles with food, but is another person who sees this "great guy" on the outside. I appreciate this, but want to start feeling that myself, on the inside.

The rest of Monday was pretty laid back. I tried not to think of my lower step-count too much, but did go for a walk and took a little nap after lunch. Dinner came, and I decided to eat it earlier, knowing it would be a challenge the rest of the evening. I did manage to stay binge/purge free though and despite the discomfort had a nice day.

Tuesday: (Around 4:30 here so earlier than the evening)

Was well rested after a positive night of eating well. Good workout, focusing more on range of motion/depth over actual weight ( a take away from Marcus Filly). While the weights were lower, I still feel I got a good workout and kept with a slower, controlled, better form for my arms/shoulders. 
School went well and I was looking forward to coming home, catching up on 7 cups, and taking a little break. One thing I've started to do when I get home is have an energy drink. Not necessarily for the energy but they have become something that curbs my appetite and that I look forward to. Reign Energy / Monster Energy Drinks type of thing. 

These little things I have found that make me look forward to the evening have helped. Before I used to be afraid of the time to myself as it is when ED brain is rather active. It is still there, but learning to quiet it some.

So looking at having dinner here shortly and enjoying the rest of a pleasant Tuesday :)

@Phoenix22k

Those sound like super successful days! Great work! I really relate to what you said at the end about being afraid of the time to yourself because I’ve found recently that when I have time alone doing nothing at home is when I almost always binge. How did you work past that fear and learn to trust yourself?

@orangeSpruce9113

Thanks orange! It is nice to hear that someone else has the same challenges as I. 

I live on my own, with a cat :) so it frequently is quiet, which I enjoy, but does lead to "too much" free time.

I recently got back into some video games that I liked to play and that helps for a time. Other times I find cleaning to be helpful. I generally make a "list" of things I want to get accomplished each day and check them off. Challenge is, I love to run through the list so that I have that free time! Taking a walk for a little bit outside helps too if it's nice.

I'm learning that it is OKAY to be bored. It is okay to relax and watch a TV show. I struggle with that as well, just allowing myself time.

It is still a challenge, and mostly I just have to keep telling myself that I feel so much better when I do other things and not eat. Eating/binge eating may feel good for the moment, but the guilt/shame afterwards not so much.

Try and find some things you enjoy and build them back into your life. At first it may just seem like you are "avoiding" eating, but in time I found they start to become enjoyable again.

@Phoenix22k

Hi Phoenix,

Glad to read you had a good labor day holiday and that you’ve been able to enjoy the time off. I personally think it’s amazing you lost track of time and have been able to think about other things rather than thinking about “I have to report my day to 7Cups”. It shows you’ve been making huge, huge steps forward.

I am also happy you’ve had the chance to meet with this friend and do something different than your usual stuff. It’s nice he invited you to his wedding, and that you found support in him. It’s true he doesn’t know all of your struggles and sees you as a great guy only from what he can see on the outside. But you are such a great guy also on the inside, I think it shows in everything you do so he surely sees and feels it. If I could, I would lend you my eyes for you to see yourself with them and see how amazing you truly are!

9/3 Tuesday

Hi guys I’m having a not so good day again. It started off good actually. I went on a hike with my friend and got lunch after but as soon as I got home I just started to binge and even worse than yesterday. I feel so junk now and like I wasted so much of my day just binging. If I could get myself to throw up I would honestly but I’ve tried before and it doesn’t work which is probably a good thing. I feel so ashamed, disappointed, and disgusted with myself :(

Update: I ended up working out again and skipped dinner to make up for the binge just like yesterday. I know living like this is unsustainable and unhealthy but I’m so afraid of gaining more weight than I already have.

@orangeSpruce9113

Hi Orange,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, and I want you to know that I'm here for you. Please don’t be too hard on yourself—binge eating can be really tough to deal with, especially when you’re already feeling down. It's okay to have setbacks, and it doesn’t make you any less of a strong person.

I’m glad you were able to enjoy the hike and lunch with your friend—that’s something positive to focus on. 

I hope your day today will be better, and that you'll be able to avoid skipping dinner and other meals as it would only lead you to being hungrier and binging more. I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you can try and eat something today, no matter how guilty you'll still feel. 

May I ask you one thing? Just out of curiosity. 
Where are you from? Where are you living?
I am trying to understand it from the timing of your messages... Australia? New Zealand?

Thank you for your kind words. I hope today will be a better day and I’m from Hawaii!

@orangeSpruce9113

Turtle 0 - geography 1  😅

Hawaii seems like heaven on earth! 
I would LOVE to come to Hawaii one day

@orangeSpruce9113, we are so much alike.  i am working hard to brake the cycle.  You are doing the best you can and don't forget that.

@orangeSpruce9113

Sounds like a really nice start to your day! And yes, careful what you wish for... believe me, purging is not fun.

I'm 33 and my dentist says my gums have recessed quite a bit... It's pretty gross and uncomfortable.

Was it boredom when you got home? Also, I know you may feel like you need to restrict now in your other meals, but try and make a "regular" eating schedule if possible. You still need nourishment, just healthy things.

Thanks for being honest! It's OKAY. 

Take some deep breaths, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you are human and allowed to make mistakes. Also tell yourself that you CAN heal, and it will take time.

Sending you positive thoughts and encouragement to get back on a healthier track.

@orangeSpruce9113

Sounds like a really nice start to your day! And yes, careful what you wish for... believe me, purging is not fun.

I'm 33 and my dentist says my gums have recessed quite a bit... It's pretty gross and uncomfortable.

Was it boredom when you got home? Also, I know you may feel like you need to restrict now in your other meals, but try and make a "regular" eating schedule if possible. You still need nourishment, just healthy things.

Thanks for being honest! It's OKAY. 

Take some deep breaths, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you are human and allowed to make mistakes. Also tell yourself that you CAN heal, and it will take time.

Sending you positive thoughts and encouragement to get back on a healthier track.

@Phoenix22k

Thank you. I’m pretty sure it’s out of boredom and just not having any plans for the day/feeling like there’s no direction in my day. I’ll try to make today better in regards to having a normal eating schedule.

@orangeSpruce9113

That is exactly when my "ED" brain kicks in! I like to make a list of things to do, but when I get through them I love the feeling of freedom... but then it is like too much then it is a trigger.

I'm still working on finding more joy in my old hobbies. Also, it may not be the healthiest thing but sometimes I just get lost watching silly videos (mostly cats haha) that pass the time. I figure hey its not a binge/purge so I'll take it.

We both need to realize that it is okay to be bored and that we do not need to fill it with food. I'm saying these words to myself as well so that I can truly believe in them.

Stay strong orange!

Wednesday 4th 

Hi everyone,

Today's accountability thread for Wednesday, the 4th, is only partial because I'm writing to you just before heading out to dinner. But I promise to fully update you on today with tomorrow's thread.

My day started with an 8.5 km run and a 1 km walk with the dogs. Then, I had breakfast, took a nice shower, and headed to the office. But not before enjoying a cup of coffee with a bit of milk and a sprinkle of cinnamon and ginger— cheers to you Ocean! I'm still experimenting, so I'm keeping the spice levels low and gradually increasing them to get used to it. It's fun to do these little experiments!

At work today, I was "supposed" to have a lot of appointments because we're searching for a new back-office sales assistant, and I'm involved in the selection process and interviews. So, for my morning snack, I had two options: either skip it or bring something that I could eat very very quickly. Since I didn't plan ahead, I grabbed a protein bar. Normally, I don't eat them because I prefer more natural options (fruit, nuts, yogurt), but I knew skipping the snack would be worse, so I threw the protein bar in my bag. I know it seems like a small thing, but I’m choosing to see it as a positive—a change from my usual routine!

Then, I actually found out that the HR manager gave me the wrong date for the interviews, which are actually tomorrow, so I would have had all the time in the world to eat something normal! And now I’m back to square one for tomorrow—so I’ll stop by the supermarket to pick up some bananas. The protein bar is quick and convenient, but two days in a row feels like too much.

Overall, my meals went well. I prepped everything last night, so I honestly can’t remember if I held back on any quantities or if all the ingredients were in the amounts set by the dietitian.

Tonight, we’re going to my parents’ place for a small barbecue to celebrate my husband’s birthday (which was last Sunday). I’m not thrilled about having to eat meat and other foods that I haven’t weighed or know how they’re seasoned. But I need to maintain some semblance of normalcy for everyone and give my husband the chance to enjoy the normal things in life, so I’ll take a deep breath and go to dinner, hoping my ED brain doesn’t spiral over this unexpected meal out...

Sending you all a hug, and I hope your day is positive and sparkling!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

An interesting day for you! Great job at navigating the change in schedule, that may seem like a small thing, but I know that changes in schedule can kick ED brain into action. Really proud of you for showing flexibility there!

I'm sending you support and positive thoughts for the BBQ coming up! I'm starting to look at these types of events as "diet challenges" and similarly to a race just psyching myself up to overcome them. The food, temptations, and urges will come, but I know you are capable of making appropriate decisions and not holding yourself back. You are awesome!

Try and find a healthy balance for yourself at the party and enjoy!

Wednesday 9/4

Rested well last night, worked out in the AM, headed to school. We had a meeting after school which extended the day a little bit. In the past these little shifts would make ED brain more active on my way home, but I have noticed it being much quieter right after school! I'm able to come right home, avoid tempting thoughts (going to the store) and relax a little at home.

I laid down and ED brain did kick in some, but I noticed I truly was hungry, so ate my dinner earlier which I was going to try anyway.

So another good day of healthy eating, no purging, and just noticing the subtle changes that are making life more enjoyable. ED brain is still there... am I'm afraid I'll slip soon, but going to keep my head up and stay positive!

Hope everyone else has a great day and knows that they can change and improve! Little steps.

9/4 Wednesday

Hi everyone. I know this will probably sound unhealthy lol but I decided to fast until basically 5 pm today. Keep in mind I didn’t eat dinner last night because I binged so I basically fasted for like 24 hours. Yes, I was hungry and felt like *** and weak but I wanted to feel in control again. I ate a huge dinner obviously and it felt really good and satisfying. Again, I know this is not a healthy way to eat but it made me feel mentally better and after having dinner I feel physically better too. Anyone else relate to the feeling of being in control aspect?

Update: it’s like midnight and I just binged. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. I know everyone will be supportive but I feel like I’m just letting you guys down :( you’re all doing so well and I feel like I’m not making any progress. Sorry to be so negative :(

@orangeSpruce9113

Hey orange! I understand the want to fast and feel in control. I had many of those moments. That also is evidence that you CAN hold back. Use that as you progress when you are eating more regularly.

I wouldn't recommend that you make that a regular habit, only eating once, as I'm sure your ED brain will kick in. But as mentioned it shows you do have a sense of control and I'm proud of you for getting that back!

It may sound silly but perhaps try and plan out what you are going to eat each day. Aim for 3-4 meals, and if you can prepare them ahead of time. Then you know what you are expecting to eat and in proper quantities.

I'm proud of you for sharing and feeling more in control. Try and make it a habit on your more regular days!