Accountability thread 9/2 - 9/8

Here is more on coffeeH

Drinking Coffee Might Help You Manage Your Weight—As Long As You Skip the Sugar

,,, and another:

The Best Time of Day To Drink Your Daily Cup of Coffee

Monday, September 2nd

Hi everyone,

Today's accountability thread for Monday, September 2nd, isn't particularly exciting. Thankfully, I prepare my meals in advance (breakfast, snacks, and lunch), so I managed to eat what I was supposed to. The only thing I slightly cheated on was breakfast, where I used 35 grams of oats instead of 40 grams. But honestly, if I had had to prepare my meals from scratch today, I would have cut back much more as a consequence of having eaten so much last night (guilt). 

Having my packed lunch ready with the "right" meal helped me stick to what I had planned. As I'm writing this, it's late afternoon, almost time to leave the office and head home. So, I don't know yet if dinner will also follow the dietitian's plan or if I'll restrict something, but I hope I can continue to make you proud of me.

Today was officially my first day back at the office after three weeks of vacation. The return wasn't as traumatic as I expected, partly because I kept an eye on my emails from my phone, managing the most important things or responding to quick requests (which helped me avoid a lot of tasks that would have felt overwhelming today). Also, throughout the summer, I tried to keep my usual routines as much as possible – waking up early, sticking to my meal plan, and going to bed early. On one hand, you could say, "What a bore, did you even enjoy your vacation?" But on the other hand, I have to say that this really helped me not to struggle too much with coming back to work. I think it also helped me maintain a certain regularity in all aspects of my life, including my diet, so I'm happy about that.

Starting tomorrow, I'm getting back into my daily exercise routine! This morning, I just took a walk with my dogs, giving my body a chance to recover from the past week and yesterday's run. Plus, during my lunch break today, I went to see my psychologist, who is helping me with my anorexia. So, I did something "for myself" today too.

I told you this wasn't an interesting post! Hahaha... I hope your day was perfect! Sending you all a big hug.

9/2 Monday

Hi today was a not so good day. I ended up binging on junk food after lunch today, took a nap from feeling so fatigued after, and then went on a 1 mile run + 3 mile walk to make up for the binge even thought I already worked out this morning. It’s now 8 pm and I’m not very hungry and I’m likely going to skip dinner 🥴🥴 I know it’s not healthy. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Hi,
This message isn't an accountability thread for today, Tuesday, September 3rd (I'll send that later). Instead, this is a bit of a rambling post, inspired by something @Phoenix22k wrote a few days ago about our romantic and friendship situations. So, you can totally ignore and skip this post because I'm afraid this "analysis" of mine, which I didn't plan and am writing off the cuff, will end up being as long as Tolstoy's War and Peace! But I think it's helpful for me to put these thoughts into writing; who knows, maybe it will help me organize my mind a bit and perhaps make some decisions about how to proceed in my life regarding friendships.

Phoenix, a few days ago you mentioned how you don't actually have many friendships (although you are doing a great job of trying to come out of your shell through activities with the church, the YA group, helping the old gentleman with writing his autobiography, etc.). This is something you've touched on before, and it has always struck me because even though it might seem on the surface that I have "a perfect life" — with a loving husband, my dogs, a good job, etc. — in reality, there are many similarities in our situations.
I too, I'll admit, don't have Friends with a capital F. The real ones, the ones you can count on at any time, the ones you can confide any problem to, the ones you would go to the moon for if they asked you.
And this has pretty much always been the case. When I was a child, I had a friend I considered my best friend, but when I look back now, I see how even then, our relationship was a bit unbalanced, with me being the one who gave up everything and did whatever it took to make her happy, just to make sure she liked me. Then we went our separate ways because of different schools, and I found a new friend. In this case, I also thought I had found a friendship for life, but it was just an illusion, so much so that when we changed schools, we drifted apart.
Over time, I began to accept that this was normal. Friendships change, people change. It’s normal that what connects you to a person at 8 years old can be different from what draws you to another friendship at 18, and these personal and social variations help shape us and make us grow. So, when I found a new friend I considered special at university, I thought that, after all, this could be a friendship that would continue into adult life, as we were two mature girls and not just kids anymore. Spoiler: even in this case, it didn't go as I had hoped! Messages became more and more sporadic, responses less interested, and in the end, we only talk to wish each other happy birthday and for a fake “you know, we should meet for a drink” that never happens. This year, in particular, this friend sent me a message suggesting we meet, and I said I would love to. Then she told me she would check her schedule the next day to suggest a date, and she never did. I've thought several times about writing to her to remind her to let me know her availability, but at some point, I don’t know if it was out of self-respect or a desire not to be considered only if I'm the one making all the effort to be seen, and I decided not to write to her. She will probably get in touch next year for my birthday, or maybe we'll exchange Christmas wishes, and that's okay. I'm tired of being the one who fights to keep friendships alive.
For a couple of years, I had a friendship at work that I thought was very deep and important. I also had more than a good relationship with a couple of other colleagues. In the end, we had built a little group of friends/colleagues who got along well, helped each other, and collaborated a lot in the company, improving both the general working conditions and the office performance. Then a new girl arrived, who was more outgoing than me, more extroverted and fun, and I lost some connection with what I considered "my" friend because the two of them were much more alike and started getting along very well. At the same time as this new hire, my role in the company changed a bit because I started having different tasks than my colleagues (which they surely started to be jealous of), and I began to spend less time with them. In addition (mea culpa), I found out about my hip problem and took several absences to have all the necessary check-ups and exams, and I was very worried about the surgery. Between the different work from theirs and the worry about the surgery, I definitely distanced myself from them — but I didn’t do it on purpose. In fact, I didn't even realize it! Instead of trying to understand what was wrong and whether I had really distanced myself from them or was just worried about something else, my friend and colleagues practically abandoned me. They started treating me badly, stopped talking to me except for strictly work-related reasons (and doing so with really unpleasant tones). And when I asked them what had happened, they accused me of being full of myself because of my new role, and things like that, when in reality, I wasn't even thinking that my new task had made me “different” from them! I apologized, explained that I was just very worried about the surgery, and tried to do everything I could to make up for it, but especially from my friend, I only got negative reactions. When I had the surgery, I didn't receive even a message to ask how I was doing (neither after the surgery nor during the whole month of convalescence away from the office), and even when I came back, there was not even a comment or a gesture of support. This behavior hurt me like never before. I completely detached myself from them, maintaining only a working relationship and deciding that I would never try to make friends at work again. The friend who was “my” friend then quit and changed jobs almost a year ago, and another one of the colleagues is about to finish her contract. Only the one who arrived last and contributed to distancing us remains. I never bonded with the new people — partly because they are all much younger than me, partly because I'm afraid that if I get close to them, I will be hurt again. Maybe this will make it seem like I'm snobbish because I have a higher role, but at this point, they can think what they want; I'm okay as long as I don't suffer.
The colleague friend was also one of my choices when I had to choose a maid of honor for my wedding. But when I got married, we hadn't known each other for long, and I was afraid it would be weird to ask her to have that role when we had only been friends for a few months. But I have never had great friends or long-lasting friendships. At that time, I had (and still have) another friend, also met through work, but she didn't work with me. She's a girl who works as an external supplier and follows our company’s marketing. By working together, we got closer, and I asked her to be my maid of honor. We still keep in touch, and we're still friends, but every time I happen to hear from her — especially recently — I always question our relationship.
I think what drew me to her was mainly admiration. I don't want this to be taken in a negative or mean way, so I hesitate a bit to write it, but I hope you will understand this correctly. This girl is overweight. I used to be very overweight, then lost a lot of kilos, but in my mind, it's as if I still weigh a lot, and I act as such. So I wear baggy clothes, I'm very conscious of my body, I’m very ashamed of showing myself, and if I can, I always try to go unnoticed. And even though surely no one notices certain flaws in my body, I always live with the concern that others will see, for example, if I have a pimple, if my belly is a bit more swollen, if there's any minor problem. This girl, on the other hand, has always radiated a truly enviable confidence in herself. She lives with her head held high, proud of herself, and aware of her physique. She wears even tight clothes and doesn’t mind sometimes saying things like “yesterday, I looked stunning,” whereas I, in my 36 years of life, don’t think I’ve ever even thought of being vaguely decent. So I think I got closer to her partly out of admiration, out of a desire to try to become like her and learn from her attitude. And then, on a mental level, she has always been a very engaging person. She’s a girl who has studied a lot, reads books that are intelligent and cultured (unlike me, who has always been into novels), etc., so maybe I hoped to elevate myself through her company.
Well, I realize now that maybe we were always too different and that our friendship was born only because of the forced closeness of work, but deep down, we don’t have that many things in common to really be friends. In our messages and exchanges, I always feel inferior to her. Also, she is very decisive, very confident, and often this attitude also results in a bit of a lack of manners. Not in the true sense of the word, because ultimately her upbringing leads her to always be polite. But I don't know how to explain it, but these curt responses and haughty attitude, which often leave no room for opinions different from hers, given how I am, often leave me baffled because I, on the contrary, am someone who always tries to mediate, not to impose, to make “as little noise as possible". 
I keep maintaining this somewhat one-sided friendship with this girl because I realize that without her, I wouldn't have any friends. But I also realize that it’s no longer a true friendship, and if I stopped messaging her, I probably wouldn’t hear from her again.
Then, to be fair, I do have acquaintances (less close friends). But my problem is that I’m not good at deepening these acquaintanceships to turn them into real friendships. It’s as if no spark has been lit to take them to the next level. And I don’t know how to make new friends. I’m shy; when I’m in places with more people, I tend to be the one who listens and smiles but rarely interacts much. For example, I hoped that by going to the gym, I would make some friends, and indeed there are a few people I say hello to, and maybe we even crack a joke. But nothing that goes beyond that or could lead me to take another step (I can’t suggest going out for a drink; our greetings and chats are too sporadic and superficial, I’d come off as a psycho!).
The only person I feel a deep friendship with is my trainer at the gym, but ours isn’t a true friendship – and that can show just how messed up I am!
In essence, he’s the person I feel best with, even without the need to talk. Just being silent together makes me feel good, and I feel he’s close to me. He was the first person I confided my anorexia to, and he was the one who noticed something was wrong with me even before I did and has constantly supported me in my recovery journey. We don’t talk about it openly; it has only happened twice because there are always other people around. But just a look or a wink at the right moment is enough for him to let me know when he’s proud of me because he sees I’m getting better, or to let me know that he notices I’m going through a dark time and that he wants me not to give up.
But he and I can never truly be friends! Between us, there’s a purely professional relationship. And we have nothing in common! He’s a super athlete, a former successful soccer player, with a large family and young kids he adores and can’t stop talking about. I’ve never watched a soccer match, and in general, I know nothing about sports, I don’t have kids, I don’t want them, and I don’t even like other people’s kids (when they were handing out maternal instincts, I was in line for a love of animals).
Still, I’m really grateful to him for being there, and spending an hour or two a week at the gym with him is my me-time that makes me feel good and forget all the negative things. And he’s perhaps the only person (besides, of course, my husband) for whom – to paraphrase Bruno Mars – I would catch a grenade.
So, apart from my trainer and my husband, I’m practically alone. By the way, they’re the only ones who know about my anorexia, and my trainer might even know more than my husband...
I love my parents dearly, but we’ve always been used to being strong, soldier up! No mushy stuff or declarations of love or our problems. And of course, they don’t know anything about my diagnosis or even the fact that I might have any problem. They just think I’m very sporty and eat healthily, presumably as a result of my teenage overweight.
My husband knows, but according to my psychologist, he doesn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation. Partly because I’ve always been used to hiding problems and coping on my own, and partly because lately, he sees that I’ve taken control of the situation (therapy, new dietician, psychologist, etc.) and maybe he’s reassured himself that I’m recovering. Also, certain behaviors have become normal to him by now, and the weight loss, having been gradual, has been less noticeable to him compared to someone who sees me less often and can therefore see the difference (or compared to my trainer, who notices if, for example, I can do certain exercises or if I don’t have the strength). There could also unconsciously be a tendency to try to protect himself from the pain of having a sick person beside him and not knowing how to help them. In short, there are many things to consider because eating disorders don’t just affect the person suffering but also those around them...
This is my situation regarding human relationships and friendships. It’s not a particularly positive picture. I don’t know if anyone has actually read all this (I hope not for your sake, what a bore!) but, as I’ve already written, I did it more for myself, to see if all this could bring me some clarity. Whether it has or not, I still don’t know... But it certainly has helped me think a lot. Lunch break over, back to work!

Accountability - Tuesday, September 3rd

My morning started with 45 minutes of exercise, followed by breakfast and the usual walk with the dogs. After that, I went to work, where I stayed all day because my car was at the dealership for maintenance and a service check, so I was stuck at my desk for the whole day. Breakfast and snacks were fine.

Lunch was whole wheat pasta (which I only eat once a week; despite being Italian, I’m not crazy about it) with tomato sauce, cherry tomatoes, and grass peas. Grass peas are a type of legume, and legumes contain both carbohydrates and proteins. Pasta is a carbohydrate. My brain couldn’t reconcile the two, and I couldn’t resist reducing the pasta by 10 grams. But in the end, 10 grams isn’t much, so I wasn’t that bad. At dinner, it was the same, a few grams less there too. But after dinner, I always prepare meals for the next day, and for several days now, I’ve developed the habit of licking the spoon after scooping yogurt from the jar or finishing off what’s left on the edges of the jar when it's empty. This, to me, is “cheating”; it's eating too much, but I like it, and it has become a little treat that I indulge in every evening. So, these small reductions from other meals help me feel more at ease when I enjoy the yogurt, allowing me to keep doing it…

Anyway, I’d say these are still positive days. I don’t think these small reductions are that significant, and in general, I feel like I've improved a lot, so I want to stay positive.

I hope your days are positive too! Hugs!

Monday 9/2 and Tuesday 9/3

Sorry for missing yesterday! It was labor day here in the US and while I really don't have an excuse as to why I didn't post (no big crazy party for me) I just lost track of time and enjoyed a day off. Forgive me!

Monday went okay. Morning workout and again hit those numbers for my bench press! It is challenging me, but in a good way. Then I met a friend, who did some obstacle races with me in the past, for coffee. Hey I guess I do have some friends! He is a great guy, knows a little of my history, and it was nice to catch up. He had a crazy health episode a few months back and is recovering, so may not ever be up to doing an obstacle race again, but he is still an inspiring person. I got invited to his wedding coming up in June. It was great to see him, and he was proud of everything I've been doing and always supportive. He doesn't know my daily struggles with food, but is another person who sees this "great guy" on the outside. I appreciate this, but want to start feeling that myself, on the inside.

The rest of Monday was pretty laid back. I tried not to think of my lower step-count too much, but did go for a walk and took a little nap after lunch. Dinner came, and I decided to eat it earlier, knowing it would be a challenge the rest of the evening. I did manage to stay binge/purge free though and despite the discomfort had a nice day.

Tuesday: (Around 4:30 here so earlier than the evening)

Was well rested after a positive night of eating well. Good workout, focusing more on range of motion/depth over actual weight ( a take away from Marcus Filly). While the weights were lower, I still feel I got a good workout and kept with a slower, controlled, better form for my arms/shoulders. 
School went well and I was looking forward to coming home, catching up on 7 cups, and taking a little break. One thing I've started to do when I get home is have an energy drink. Not necessarily for the energy but they have become something that curbs my appetite and that I look forward to. Reign Energy / Monster Energy Drinks type of thing. 

These little things I have found that make me look forward to the evening have helped. Before I used to be afraid of the time to myself as it is when ED brain is rather active. It is still there, but learning to quiet it some.

So looking at having dinner here shortly and enjoying the rest of a pleasant Tuesday :)

9/3 Tuesday

Hi guys I’m having a not so good day again. It started off good actually. I went on a hike with my friend and got lunch after but as soon as I got home I just started to binge and even worse than yesterday. I feel so junk now and like I wasted so much of my day just binging. If I could get myself to throw up I would honestly but I’ve tried before and it doesn’t work which is probably a good thing. I feel so ashamed, disappointed, and disgusted with myself :(

Wednesday 4th 

Hi everyone,

Today's accountability thread for Wednesday, the 4th, is only partial because I'm writing to you just before heading out to dinner. But I promise to fully update you on today with tomorrow's thread.

My day started with an 8.5 km run and a 1 km walk with the dogs. Then, I had breakfast, took a nice shower, and headed to the office. But not before enjoying a cup of coffee with a bit of milk and a sprinkle of cinnamon and ginger— cheers to you Ocean! I'm still experimenting, so I'm keeping the spice levels low and gradually increasing them to get used to it. It's fun to do these little experiments!

At work today, I was "supposed" to have a lot of appointments because we're searching for a new back-office sales assistant, and I'm involved in the selection process and interviews. So, for my morning snack, I had two options: either skip it or bring something that I could eat very very quickly. Since I didn't plan ahead, I grabbed a protein bar. Normally, I don't eat them because I prefer more natural options (fruit, nuts, yogurt), but I knew skipping the snack would be worse, so I threw the protein bar in my bag. I know it seems like a small thing, but I’m choosing to see it as a positive—a change from my usual routine!

Then, I actually found out that the HR manager gave me the wrong date for the interviews, which are actually tomorrow, so I would have had all the time in the world to eat something normal! And now I’m back to square one for tomorrow—so I’ll stop by the supermarket to pick up some bananas. The protein bar is quick and convenient, but two days in a row feels like too much.

Overall, my meals went well. I prepped everything last night, so I honestly can’t remember if I held back on any quantities or if all the ingredients were in the amounts set by the dietitian.

Tonight, we’re going to my parents’ place for a small barbecue to celebrate my husband’s birthday (which was last Sunday). I’m not thrilled about having to eat meat and other foods that I haven’t weighed or know how they’re seasoned. But I need to maintain some semblance of normalcy for everyone and give my husband the chance to enjoy the normal things in life, so I’ll take a deep breath and go to dinner, hoping my ED brain doesn’t spiral over this unexpected meal out...

Sending you all a hug, and I hope your day is positive and sparkling!

Wednesday 9/4

Rested well last night, worked out in the AM, headed to school. We had a meeting after school which extended the day a little bit. In the past these little shifts would make ED brain more active on my way home, but I have noticed it being much quieter right after school! I'm able to come right home, avoid tempting thoughts (going to the store) and relax a little at home.

I laid down and ED brain did kick in some, but I noticed I truly was hungry, so ate my dinner earlier which I was going to try anyway.

So another good day of healthy eating, no purging, and just noticing the subtle changes that are making life more enjoyable. ED brain is still there... am I'm afraid I'll slip soon, but going to keep my head up and stay positive!

Hope everyone else has a great day and knows that they can change and improve! Little steps.