Accountability thread 8/26 - 9/1
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
hi ive been struggling with BED for a few months now and this past week has been really hard. I think ive binged every day for the past 6 days and i just feel so defeated. even before this week the binging started to become more frequent and its just really scary. idk if its ever going to stop but im so tired of feeling like *** and like i cant trust myself :(
@orangeSpruce9113
@orangeSpruce9113,
Hi @Orange,
Thanks so much for joining us. It takes quite a strong person to admit to others, especially those you don't know, what you are struggling with. I kept my eating disorder to myself for roughly 50 years before really admitting it to myself, my family, and my doctors.
While the number of times that I binged over the years has been few, I can't really relate. But you should not feel defeated at all; you should feel strong because you reached out to your community. I have referred to our little group as our family.
As @Turtle asked, what is going on? I understand that your challenge is body image issues, but Turtle is right that body image is really only one small part of who we are, both inside and outside.
I want you to know that we are always here to listen and try to help in any way that you think we can. You have taken a great step to help yourself by reaching out to us, your family.
@enigmaticOcean8813
I know there is much more to it than just body image issues and I’m going to therapy to try to understand the root causes better. I think part of it is just habit like binging became so routine that now it feels like a normal part of my life. Part of it is also from boredom and part is a coping mechanism. I guess it’s complex but I just wish there was a singular solution or thing that I could do/work on to get rid of it. Thank you guys for your support I’m very happy to join the family.
Friday the 30th
I had decided to give myself a day off since I went to the gym yesterday in the late afternoon. So, I didn’t set the alarm to get up before my husband so as not to wake him, and I stayed in bed until his alarm went off for him to go to work. We had breakfast, and then I went out for a 1 km walk with my two dogs. At the end of the walk, I left the Rottweiler in the garden since she’s now old and doesn’t walk much anymore (plus, she doesn’t handle the summer temperatures very well, although it’s still pleasant outside before 7 in the morning), and I decided to take the second dog, the Poodle, for an additional 2 km walk. So, 3 km of walking in total.
When I got back home, I tidied up a few things, started a load of laundry, and then… I put on my running shoes and went out for a 5 km run under the sun at 10 in the morning. All the while telling myself that it’s good for me to get used to running in higher temperatures, like I usually do on Sundays. Or telling myself that even just an extra 5 km on my legs will be useful for a race I’ll have to tackle at the end of September.
Sure, these things are true. But I can’t lie to myself, and I know that this is only part of the reason that pushed me to go running again today. The other part was my eating disorder, although fortunately, 99% of the time, I exercise for the joy and pleasure that physical activity brings me, not to burn calories. But it’s evident, and I can’t hide that today a part of me wanted to do it ALSO for that reason – to feel like I deserve food.
This evening, when my husband came home from work, he said he wanted to do some exercise, so I joined him for half an hour. A bit of stretching, some hip mobility exercises, a few planks… Nothing intense, but still physical activity (he suggested it because he thought I hadn’t done anything today, and I didn’t confess to him about my run).
I ate all my meals, I slightly cheated on dinner, but we’re talking about really small amounts. On the other hand, I’ve been drinking several coffees with milk for the past few days. I used to use very little milk, just a few drops. Now I put in a bit more, I think between 30 and 50 grams. And sometimes I end up drinking 3 of these coffees in one day. They’ve become my guilty pleasure, the only “extra” thing I allow myself, but I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m losing control because of it. I think I need to cut back, and surely starting Monday, when I go back to work and no longer have all this time at home, I’ll only drink one a day. So I’m trying not to feel too bad, thinking that I’ll only drink it for two more days and then go back to normal...
I hope your Friday went well and that you have a great weekend! Sending you a hug.
@Turtleonmyleftarm,
Your report sounds like Friday was a pretty good day. Turtle. You had some time to yourself. As I've said before, my physical therapist has always said days off are a good thing. It's good to get some running, and you will have to let us know when the race is in September so that we are ready for the countdown.
The other thing that I noticed and that I continually notice is how similar our stories are in so many ways. You know, I exercise to reduce stress and to a large degree build muscle and work on my balance. Those are major reasons, but I do have to admit it is to keep my weight where it is so that I can eat more, or as you wrote, that I deserve food. Being the senior of the group, I wind up exercising less or at least less right now, or doing a Pilates program in the morning. A lot of the exercise is cleaning up and throwing things in the dumpster, and believe me, that leaves me sore.
Over the last few weeks, I've grown to like coffee. I used to be a tea drinker. I don't like milk at all, and I think I don't know if I am lactose intolerant or just have trouble with it, but I don't drink it black. One thing that I read somewhere is that one healthy additive to coffee is ginger. With the right amount, it gives coffee a very interesting taste, and you have all the healthy effects of ginger added to coffee. Well, now I can't get away from it. And as I'm dictating this message, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee.
So I hope that you have a good weekend as well preparing for your race, and I'll be interested to read in what other ways we are similar!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Sounds like a really nice day turtle! I'm sure your pups loved the attention :)
Your choice to go running, I personally think this is fine. Yes, you might have done it out of a "guilt" but as you also said you enjoy doing it. I think that no matter what recovery we make, or even for the "normal people" that this aspect is a part of life. We move and burn calories. I'm sure you felt great after your run and that the pleasure from it was nice, so enjoy that! Now if you felt like you had to run 15k or keep going on all day, then that might be more of an issue. You moved around, and got some extra movement in too with your husband.
I think that all that is a testament to your nutrition as well, and how well you have been doing. That is a good bit of exercise in the day and you had the proper nutrition to go about it. I love your new "guilty pleasure" as well!
Just thinking, it has been about 2 months since we all started this, and you have made tremendous progress! Try not to be too hard on yourself (advice I also need to take). You are doing great!
Friday 8/30
I finally listened to the podcasts guys!
First, started off the morning with a good workout and my run. Breakfast, and I had a little time before I had to get to my appointment with the engineer I'll be doing some part-time work with ( so not a "true" day off) but not teaching :)
On my way to the appointment I listened to the first podcast, how fit are you. I found myself largely in the "yellow". I'm not a HUGE fan of tests like this, as they can fluctuate, but it did give me some ideas of what to work on. The most significant, as I knew would be, is my relationships with others. Outside of here, and my Mom/Dad, I really have no deep connections. Even my parents, whom I love, don't know the true depth of my challenges each day. They see me, as everyone does, on the surface. If only people knew how much guilt/shame I live with on the regular... it is sad. But, slowly, day by day improving this, such as with the new volunteer opportunities and such.
On another personal note, part of me wants to start dating again, but the other part enjoys my independence. There's also my ED brain that tells me I'm not good enough to do that yet and I shouldn't burden someone else with it. I am envious of you all who have found love and support at home.
On my way home I listened to the "fitter than ever" episode, and wow, it nearly made me cry as I felt "understood". I have been chasing this "dream body" and "dream life" for a while now, and in comparison to how fit I was in high-school or 10 years ago, I'm in fantastic shape. But it has never become enough. I see the pictures of other people, actors/fitness gurus, and never measure up. It's unfair to myself to compare to them, but that's what I have been doing. It has resulted in me missing out on a lot.
I'm finally learning to ease up on a few things at least. I didn't get quite so many steps in today as I had the last few days, and I don't feel guilty about it, nor do I feel guilty for not having more exercise later in the day (the exercise snacks I was trying to do before). So feeling less shame about not being active every minute of the day, it's a small, small step.
As for my diet, I've been more consistent there, and just keep trying to maintain a positive self-talk. It's not perfect, but it's improving.
The podcast gave me quite a bit to think about and I appreciated the stories!
Friday 8/30
Today was a good day. I watched a very informative video on glucose spikes and tried to follow the tips in the video and to my surprise I didn’t binge today. Of course, I can’t say it’s all due to the video but I think trying to control my glucose levels did help with cravings and just feeling level headed.
@orangeSpruce9113,
So glad to read that yesterday was a good day!!! We have all learned to celebrate the small victories as we move forward to manage our ED brains and develop healthy lifestyles. You are off to a great start!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hey Orange! I'm glad you had a binge free day! Note what it feels like. I do the same for myself, and though it doesn't mean I've gotten rid of them all, that little "boost" of encouragement sometimes helps. Just proves that YOU CAN DO IT!
I'm glad you found a good resource to listen to about glucose. I have found some good podcasts that really help me think, and get my mind off food.
Looking forward to hearing more of your days! Good and bad, we are here for you
Hi @orangeSpruce9113, it's great to read your first daily report and see that things already seem to be going a little better. Even though we don't know each other, I think that subconsciously, after a while, you start to think about having to recount your days here, and so, knowing that you'll have to report to your "virtual recovery friends," you try to improve day by day and reduce certain negative behaviors so that you don't have to talk about them.
When put this way, it might sound like a negative thing, as if there were judgments from someone, but instead, we support and understand each other in the deepest of ways. However, I believe our subconscious drives us to improve thanks to these daily posts.
What you wrote about glucose spikes is very interesting. I know there are conflicting opinions at the medical level, but many people benefit from keeping them under control. Moreover, it’s well-known how blood sugar is linked to hunger signals, so keeping it under control is definitely a great way to also curb binge eating. Great job!!! It might seem like a small step to you, but personally, I believe you've already made huge strides in just a couple of days (the first, as Ocean also recognized, was finding the courage to write and admit the problem). I hope you can recognize and appreciate the good you're doing and that you give yourself the proper recognition and value for this. Keep up the good work! 👍🏻
Hi @enigmaticOcean8813, thanks for your support! The end-of-September run won't be a race; it will be a non-competitive walk/run in the mountains to commemorate a tragedy that occurred here in Italy many years ago, the Vajont tragedy. In 1963, a piece of mountain broke off and fell into the artificial basin created by the Vajont Dam. The resulting overflow of water from the reservoir, with a washing effect on the lake's shores, first affected the villages near the lake's edge, while the wave generated by the overflow of the dam caused the flooding and destruction of the valley floor settlements and the death of 1,918 people, including 487 children. Once a year, the route leading to the dam and throughout the affected area is reopened for this walk/run and also serves as a reminder.
I usually run between 10 and 12 km, and I do it on flat terrain. Two years ago, I participated in this event and walked the shortest route, which is 9 km. This year, I would like to do the medium one, which is 16 km, but since it’s a mountainous route (in some places even a bit challenging), I think I’ll walk the whole time without even trying to run. Also because these are places to look at and admire. My husband, on the other hand, should take the longest route, which, if I remember correctly, is 24 km, and he'll be running it.
Interesting that you've only become a coffee drinker now! I love both tea and coffee, but I try not to overdo it, so I often try to replace them with herbal teas or herbal infusions. Drinking is very good for you; it's essential to stay well-hydrated, so let's look at the bright side and appreciate this new hobby of ours! I've never tried coffee with ginger. I have added cinnamon to the milk foam of a cappuccino before… But never ginger. How do you do it? Do you use powdered ginger or fresh ginger pieces? And at what stage of the coffee preparation do you add it? Tell us more!
Hi @Phoenix22k, thanks again for your encouragement. You're right, it's been about 2 months since we started writing to each other, and look at the giant strides we've made. All of us!!! We are really lucky to have found each other and to have found an ideal tool for us to compare notes and improve.
I’m glad you finally had the time to listen to the podcasts. As I was also telling Ocean, I honestly didn’t take the test to see if I’m in the green, yellow, or red. I think it would have been a trigger, so I just listened and tried to gather some useful information. But the part about relationships with others, just as it caught your attention, is what struck me as well. And I’m happy that it’s an area you were, and are, already working on successfully. At the level of personal relationships, you and I have a lot in common (aside from the fact that I am married), but I share with you most of the struggles. Maybe I’ll write something about it in the next few days. When you’re ready to face the world of dating, I’m sure that anyone who gets the chance to go out with you will be a very, very lucky person! You’re a really special guy.
Regarding the second podcast, I knew you would react the same way I did. As I also wrote to OrangeSpruce9113, unfortunately, we are conditioned by what we see on TV, on social media, etc., and these are never real images. We chase these goals of perfection, ruining our lives. If then, it’s people like you and me, with a tendency to see everything as "all or nothing" and with competitiveness and the desire to reach perfection, it's a perfect recipe for disaster. And then we never see how much we've improved because we’re always looking ahead, never back. Or rather, since this group of ours, we do it a little. Sometimes alone, sometimes pushed and supported by each other… And speaking of others pointing out how well we’re doing, why do you define “small, small step” as not feeling obligated to do exercise snacks anymore? This, along with your improved eating habits, in my opinion, are HUGE steps, and I hope you manage to realize it and give yourself the proper credit for all this
@Turtleonmyleftarm and friends:
Thanks Ocean! Cinnamon and cocoa were already something I tried. I have never used ginger before, but even after the article I am still unsure of “how” I should try it. Any suggestion on how to do it?
@Turtleonmyleftarm
The wisdom of Turtle once again :)
The second podcast was really enlightening. The comparison piece, but then I was also thinking about the writers of the podcast, the guy is in phenomenal shape, so just more to compare to, so I think it may also be "easier" for him to say things about his journey now. Not to say he is not valid or that his words are not true, but just a reminder that we are all in different places. I just need to get more comfortable with where I am at, and see how far I have come.
I tend to not give myself enough credit, thus why I considered them "small-steps". But your words help me to re-think this and be more proud of my success. Thanks for helping me wake up smiling :)
Accountability for Saturday 31st
Had a quiet day at home, except for the morning walk with the dogs and going to the grocery store. In the afternoon I joined my husband for a 30 minute workout where I targeted abs and legs, before remembering I will go for my longer run tomorrow morning so I should have left my legs alone… Well. Fingers crossed they will not be too angry with me tomorrow!
I ate everything I was supposed to eat, probably something more (a few grapes after dinner) but that’s ok. I had more than one moment today where I looked at my lower belly and thought it was sticking out too much, that I should not be eating etc but I always tried to shut that voice up. All in all, I’d say it was a positive day. Not perfect, not easy at all times, but in general positive.
I hope your day was great and I am looking forward to seeing your posts! Sending love to you all
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Glad to hear you had a nice day! I hope your legs are not too upset :) Enjoy your nice long run! I'm sure you will feel satisfied when you complete it, even if your legs are not happy.
As for your "few grapes" it is really inspiring to hear how you ate these, seemingly without a problem. Compared to how you might have felt weeks ago. I get the looking in the mirror feeling too, and just like the podcast mentioned, we like to focus on the imperfections. I do this A LOT as well. A strategy came to my mind yesterday, each time I do this, notice something I do not like, I want to start telling myself two or more things that I do like and am proud of. I still need to put this into practice, but thought it might be a way to help myself.
No day is perfect, but yours sounds pretty close!
One of the dmail newsletters I read is from Tim Ferros of the 4-hoour work week fame. The quote he had this week is
Quote I’m pondering
“It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time. Give yourself permission to be a beginner.”
— Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
(Click here to share on Twitter.)
Speaks volumes, for us.
Duh. That is Tim FERRIS
@enigmaticOcean8813
It really does. I think that what I need to work on is how "getting better" really does help me "look better" also, or at least it makes me prouder of what I see when I look in the mirror. So perhaps they can go hand-in-hand, but the focus should be on the getting better piece.
@Phoenix22k, that's the spirit!!!
Saturday 8/31
Today was another pretty good day. The only thing that I have to comment on is just after dinner I wanted sweets/chocolate so I did have a good amount of chocolate but it wasn’t a binge. It was very close to being a binge but I felt aware of my actions so I let myself have as much as I wanted (which was more than I probably should have had just from a health standpoint). I will take overeating over binging any day so I’ll call this a successful day
Hi Orange!
I'm really proud of you for yesterday. It's amazing that you were able to recognize your feelings and impulses and take a step back before it turned into a binge. That shows a lot of strength and awareness, which is such a huge deal!
I know it's not easy, but every bit of progress counts. The fact that you’re happy about it is important because it means you're seeing the positive steps you're taking. Just remember that it's all about the journey, and what matters most is that you're making strides toward understanding yourself better and taking care of yourself.
Sending lots of love and positive vibes
@orangeSpruce9113
Nice job orange! Awareness is important as you mentioned. I'm proud of you for being able to stop and also recognizing overeating vs. binge eating. That is something I need to note for myself.
Sweets especially are a slippery slope, so the fact that you were able to stop while eating them is true strength. Keep building those mental awareness muscles and letting us know how you are doing :)
Accountability 8/31
September comes to a close and I finally managed a month of eating well without purges, for 90% of the time. That is not to say I did not over-eat on a few occasions, but overall my intake was reasonable. I just have to get used to the different feelings while I eat. I know that if I am "too-full" then ED brain kicks in and says "well you've already eaten too much so just F it" and if I don't eat enough then ED brain kicks in and says I need to have another helping ect. It loves to just chime in. But, I have done a better job at recognizing this and just staying satiated through the day.
As for the day itself yesterday, woke up and did my usual Saturday strength circuit and then a 5k run. I wasn't looking to go "super fast" but was pleasantly surprised when my time was a little better than some weeks in the past. Then I was going to help the gentleman with his autobiography but he wasn't feeling well. Instead I reached out to my dad to go for a walk. I didn't think of it as a walk to burn calories or to get steps, I simply had some more time and really wanted to enjoy a walk with him. So we walked about 10,00 steps which was great.
Did some grocery shopping, to my surprise ED brain didn't chime in there, and came home for lunch. I then napped, guilt free. This was great. Then I cleaned, and re-organized my living room.
The re-organization is kind of a way to "start fresh" with the new month and my new habits. I like doing this, and am pleased with the layout.
Sorry for all the rambling, but I found it was just a really nice, binge free/purge free day.
In to September tomorrow!
@Phoenix22k
That’s awesome! Reading your post is really inspiring for me as I struggle with very similar habits so thank you. Keep up the good work!
@orangeSpruce9113
Of course! I have found a lot of strength here and friendship from ocean and turtle.
My history of ED is binge eating/purging. Rather consistently for about 10 years... crazy to think how long it has been a part of my life. I'm on the healing journey and have tried 1-1 therapy, nutritional consulting, the works. I know what to do, just need the strength to keep doing it.
I do exercise regularly, my saving grace, so you'll hear me and @turtleonmyleftarm talk about that a bit.
Keep sharing your stories too! You are in great company.
Accountability for September 1st
Had breakfast early and then went for my run. 12 k today. But the “record” today has nothing to do with distance, pace or any other run-related goal. My husband told me to bring a carb bar with me and eat it mid-run. I normally don’t eat anything during my runs, I just drink water. Or if it’s a run with organised refreshment point I’d have just a slice of apple. Having an actual bar made of basically sugar and fruit (for fast absorption and immediate energy) to me was not easy. I couldn’t help but think of all the calories, of the extra sugar, of the fact that it was something pre-packed and not natural and done by me, checking all the quantities and the quality of the ingredients. But I did it. I ate the bar and ran and felt good.
I can’t say I will eat at every longer run now. Or that I am not scared of eating sugars or anything like that. It’s too early to say that. But at least I did one small step, and saw that it can be done and that nothing bad happened. So it’s a win!
Had lunch and only restricted a little bit of fats, but got my carbs and protein (and protein was feta cheese which already has fats in it so I think I am more than ok… Also considering my dinner).
Had a small nap in the afternoon (something I never allow myself to do) and then we left to see a historical reenactment. Then we had pizza and tiramisu at our favourite pizza place to celebrate my husband’s birthday. I knew this was coming, as he had said he wanted to celebrate there, and he told me “we’re getting that amazing tiramisu, right?” as soon as we got in, and I couldn’t have said no to those puppy eyes and “it’s my birthday” attitude. Anyway now I feel bloated but actually fine. I feel a little bit guilty, but not as much as I would have felt weeks ago, so ALL GOOD! Positive day 🥳
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Oh my goodness! Know that I am smiling and feel so proud of you!! Just wow, I am so happy for how the day went.
Ahh our similarities continue. I never eat the snacks during races either! I get water sure at the breaks they provide, but usually they have healthy snacks along the way but I don't get them. Now I usually do eat a nice breakfast before, but the reason I skip them is of course... ED brain. I have a tough mudder in a few weeks so maybeeee I will take some inspiration from you and have a snack along the way.
It is truly special that you enjoyed the tiramisu with your husband. It is also incredible that, despite feeling bloated, you feel fine! That recognition. Just, wow. A few weeks back this was a major thing, which is slowly becoming "acceptable". To reinforce that you are still crushing your runs and workouts so I guess there is proof that what you are doing is working.
I think a little guilt is okay. I think this is something that the "normal" population experience too, but they do not let it ruin their day. It sounds like you are working towards that.
I'm so happy for you Turtle!
