Accountability thread 8/26 - 9/1

If others of you are reading this, please join us and don't be afraid to share your stories. We are here to help one another, as Turtle, Phoenix, and I have helped each other. If you've read the other threads, you know that I've come to think of this really as my family, as I get more support here than I do in other places. You will find a very warm, safe place to share your struggles, challenges, victories, and celebrations as well.

@Turtle, I have to say that the prebiotics really helped. I added it and it made a tremendous difference, but I was still very uncomfortable. I think I was taking too much for my body size. I just remembered what I weigh, and my body mass index is around 16.

So I've dialed back. I've cut in half the amount of prebiotic that I'm taking and added a little more probiotic. I feel much better today than I have been, but without these uncomfortable challenges of constipation that I have been facing in the past.

So I'm glad I brought it up. Keep it in mind; maybe it's something that you want to try in the future, especially as you get into the fall, and you know, the foods change. Thank you.

Hi guys, 

I don't have anything to report about today (Monday 26th) so this post is going to be slightly different than all of my previous ones. Whoever comes and sees this for the first time, without knowing what we normally write each other, will think I don't know what an accountability thread is 🤣

Anyway. Today I wanted to write you about two things: two podcast episodes that resonated with me, and a realization I've had today.

Starting with the most interesting things, today I've had the chance to listen to quite a few episodes of Look Good Move Well, and two in particular really made me think and didn't leave my thoughts even after they were over. 

The first one in order of listening was the episode published on June 7th, called "how fit are you? Score yourself". Not for the actual fitness score (I actually didn't even check myself on that) but for the mental aspects of mindset, stress and relationships and how these three things have a much higher impact on our lives than we normally think about. While I was listening to that part of the podcast my thoughts went to you, and thought you should try and listen to it to see if anything would resonate with you or would give you something to think about...

The second episode is the one that really, really shocked me because in more than one moment I thought they were actually talking about me - with me - for me. It's the episode published on March 14th called "fitter than ever". I don't want to write too much because I don't want to spoil it to you, but let me tell you it's not what it seems from the title. It's actually a very profound discussion about how we always try to reach for more, how we're never satisfied and how this perpetual search for perfection / for the lower weight / for the more defined muscles / etc. is not sustainable and only leads to being unhappy and losing sight of other more important things in life. 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I hadn't thought of this before. And it's not like I am suddenly going to act differently or change my life. But actually hearing those words and seeing that other people have exactly the same struggle I have, really stopped me in my tracks (well actually not, I was walking) and made me think about that episode for a long time after it finished. I actually stopped my phone from playing a new episode and kept walking without listening to anything else, as I really wanted to absorb all of the things that had been said... 

So yeah. These are the two episodes I would like to suggest you to try and listen. Especially the 2nd one. I hope it resonates with you as much as it did with me, and that it can help you.

Passing now to less interesting things, I wrote above that I was going to tell you about a realization I've had today. So here it is. I realized I am afraid I am "healing" too quickly and that my accomplishments could somehow make less valid my diagnosis of anorexia. I've always had this feeling of "I am not ill enough because I am not thin enough",  or "I am not ill enough because I restrict foods but I've actually not removed many foods completely from my life" or another infinte list of things I do wrong in my mind. I've recently talked about this with the therapist from the ED centre and she said it was ***, but it's something that's always there, underlying and present. Today I thought about the pizza I've had yesterday, and to the fact I actually have one meal out every week, which is usually pizza. And anorexic people don't eat pizza (or at least this is the narrative my ED brain is telling me). So I thought "hey, if you keep eating pizza and telling people you eat pizza, how can you be anorexic?" and I also thought "maybe I should stop eating it, otherwise people will think I am making this up". 

The most stupid thing of all of this, is that actually nobody knows about my diagnosis except my therapist and you. And nobody cares if I eat pizza, or salad, or a stack of... bugs. 

So I recognize these thoughts are actually not valid. But if I have them, I must start recognizing them as to be able to combat them. So I am here, writing them down for you to read them and see that I am going to fight my ED brain telling to shut the *** off, and that it will not ruin my accomplishments. And that whether I heal in one week or a hundred years, it's all going to be a valid time. And if I heal too quickly, well, all the better. Right?

Thank you for reading my Monday ramblings. I hope you're having a great day and I am looking forward to reading how amazingly this week is starting for you. Sending love!

Monday 8/26

Had a nice morning and start to school! I was a little disappointed with my workout, I was not able to hit those same weights as I had before, but still came close. I'm not entirely sure why this may be, but I suppose it could be many factors. I'm not too upset but just puzzled. Anyway, back to school and the day went well!

I even had more energy after school which was nice. More importantly ED brain was far quieter than it was in the past after school. I came home, sat on my back porch and read a few chapters. Then had my healthy yogurt snack and dinner. Catching up with 7 cups now :)

I've been eating better, resting better, and just overall feeling better which is so wonderful. I feel more capable at work and just need to keep thinking positive moving forward. 

I'll be adding some of the podcasts @Turtleonmyleftarm mentioned to my queue and listen to them on my way and back from work tomorrow :)

Have a wonderful night everyone and great Tuesday!

Accountability for Tuesday 27th 

Today I went to the gym and had a good workout, but my ED brain was quite noisy anyway, and made me restrict carbs a little. We’re not talking huge quantities, but still… 

And to think I have been listening to many episodes of the podcast where they talk positively about them. It’s really difficult to erase all the things we’ve been made believe in the past and start acting different… But I will keep trying. As a positive thing, though, I am now eating Greek yogurt without really weighing it too precisely and actually I’ve enjoyed it right from the tub a couple of times. Small steps! 

Sending you love and positive thoughts 

Tuesday 8/27

Good workout this AM (arms/run), breakfast, then school. Another good day there as well! I was a little anxious about my schedule and lunch timing changing. The nice thing is that after lunch ED brain doesn't have a chance to kick in since I go back to teaching.

I also had energy at the end of the day too which is still encouraging. I have been trying to get more sleep and recognizing the importance it has in muscle recovery and overall energy through the day. It is so helpful at making me feel good, and in return I am a much better teacher/peer as well. So going to stick to getting to bed a little earlier if I can.

Meals have all been good as well. I have found that ED brain is starting to kick in a little once I get home. So around 3:30 when I get home, until 6:00 when I traditionally eat dinner. This is when I would try to have a yogurt snack, but that has just been triggering ED brain a bit more, so I might just move dinner up so that I get a more satisfying meal. 

Trying to treat this all like a "life-science-experiment" and be more open to trying new things and seeing what works. Trying to not focus so much on my body "image" but more so how I feel and trusting that with that will also come a positive image of myself.

Off to relax a bit and head off to bed for another day tomorrow! Keep being awesome everyone.

Hi @enigmaticOcean8813 I am sorry those podcast didn’t have the same impact on you as they had on me, of course everyone is different and we all get different perspectives on things. I am also sure you have been able to get more details and shades of all the things that have been discussed in those episodes since they’re in your mother tongue… Anyway I think we should always take into consideration we must take everything they say with a grain of salt since that is a podcast from “bodybuilders” not from therapists or people specialised in ED. They surely don’t consider people like us in their audience when they register those episodes… 

I would like to thank you for your reassurance about healing too quickly or the fact that my thoughts were not valid. I will cherish all the small victories and keep trying to shut my ED brain when it tells me I am wrong. 

As for the fact people normally consider EDs to be an issue for women and not for men, I am really sorry our society is like that. But I am so glad we found each other (and you four @Phoenix22k who is even closer to you than I am) and we can keep fighting together. 

@Phoenix22k I am glad you’re having such good outcomes from sleeping better and that you’re thriving. I am sure people around you will start noticing it really soon, and that your students will benefit from having an improved version of their teacher too! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I love your analogy to the science experiment, and how you’re trusting yourself to make small changes and see how things go. I think you’re being really brave and I think you will have amazing results if you keep this up. YOU. ARE. AMAZING! 

Wednesday 8/28

I had another nice day today. It has been nice getting back into the old routine with school, and while it is not an ideal "summer" day it is nice to be able to teach and mentor kids again.

I'm also still surprised with how I feel at the end of the day. I used to dread it, knowing that ED brain would be driving me crazy for hours to come, but it has still been less noisy. It is still there, but I just keep focused on coming right home (not to a grocery store), cleaning up some, and then relaxing. I still need to work on not feeling guilty for sitting down, but I'm doing better. I don't feel the "need" for exercise snacks or feel guilty about not doing push-ups or walking etc.  Just a few month ago I wouldn't "let" myself eat unless I did something beforehand, or if I did I would feel guilty about it. That no longer bothers me as much.

So another healthy dinner, kept down, and feeling good about the week. It's also still been a great month and I've made my 90% mark still! Just a few more days to go here in August :)

Wednesday 28th

I started the day with a 5 km run and a 1 km walk with the dogs. I hadn't "planned" the run, but I knew I'd be sitting still all morning, and I admit I couldn't silence the voice telling me I needed to move at least a bit to make up for all that inactivity. So, before 5 AM, I slipped out of bed and went for a short run. I told my husband I couldn't sleep anymore, but actually, it was my ED brain that made me set the alarm early for this reason...

After breakfast, he went to work. I, on the other hand, still have a few days off, so I went to the hairdresser, where (as I said) I sat for quite a while. When I got back home, I had lunch, ate my afternoon snack, prepared dinner, did some chores around the house, and then went to visit my parents. In the evening, I had dinner, and the day was over. In terms of food, I'd say I ate about 90%.

Thursday 29th

Have I ever told you that my anorexia started after a diet my husband and I did together? To recap very briefly (if I haven’t talked about it before, I’ll do so tomorrow), one thing that struck me deeply and led me down the abyss of anorexia was, among many things, a particular event. When we started the diet, my husband was training for a marathon, and the dietitian gave him specific amounts of food for the first month, which he then increased after the second month. He did the same with me, but the problem was that my portions from the second month became identical, in terms of carbs and fats, to those of my husband's first diet. And that's when the crisis started: "How can I, a woman who is 1.63 m tall and exercises much less, eat what a 1.80 m man training for a marathon eats?" - consider that back then I had just had hip surgery and wasn’t running.

Fast forward to today. My husband tells me that lately, he feels a bit heavier, he's running less, and he asked me to go back to using the amounts from his first diet for a while. In the meantime, I've been gradually and with difficulty trying to always eat the portions from my second diet. So, following his request, it means that he and I would have to eat the same amount of carbohydrates and fats, while the proteins change but not by much (for example, if he has 150 grams of chicken, I have 120).

Crisis. Tragedy. My brain immediately started telling me that it's not possible for him to eat so little and me so much, that we can't have the same needs, and that it's absurd for him and me to have identical plates. In the end, I still ate 90% of my diet - maybe even 95% with one thing or another. But there's this voice in my head that I can't silence, and I don't know if in the coming days I'll be able to prepare us identical meals without starting to restrict again...

On to today's accountability, after breakfast I did the usual walk with the dogs, then I went to the farmer's market and walked quite a bit. When I got home, I opened an egg white and oat pancake factory, which I froze for all the mornings when we want something tasty. For tomorrow morning, I tried to prepare some carrot cake overnight oats. I hope it turns out good! I'm a bit worried, mostly about the texture of the carrots, but I'll let you know how it goes... In the late afternoon, I finally went to the gym, and now I've just finished dinner and will finally take a nice shower.

I hope your day was positive!

Thursday 8/28

Really pushed myself again this morning with my chest/back routine after not hitting the same weights Monday... and while it was challenging, I reached them again! I have been reading/listening to how workouts really need to reach a "challenging" point, and I do think that for a while I was more-so going through the motions and not truly challenging myself regularly. While I still felt good after the workouts, I wasn't really progressing. Part of that too was due to my diet which wasn't as consistent, but that has improved as well. Overall, it was a great workout/start to the day.

School went well, and I find myself getting plenty of steps in again. Not that everything has to be about exercise, but it has helped me to relax a bit more in the afternoons. I even took a quick nap when I got home. 

Meals were all good. ED brain has chimed in a few times, especially in the evenings, but I just keep telling myself that getting to bed earlier makes me feel so much better (instead of going out and binge-eating/purging, which is an hour + ordeal).

So a pretty positive day. Better yet a long weekend ahead as we have a holiday here in the US. So I can finally listen to those podcasts!