Accountability thread 8/26 - 9/1

If others of you are reading this, please join us and don't be afraid to share your stories. We are here to help one another, as Turtle, Phoenix, and I have helped each other. If you've read the other threads, you know that I've come to think of this really as my family, as I get more support here than I do in other places. You will find a very warm, safe place to share your struggles, challenges, victories, and celebrations as well.

@Turtle, I have to say that the prebiotics really helped. I added it and it made a tremendous difference, but I was still very uncomfortable. I think I was taking too much for my body size. I just remembered what I weigh, and my body mass index is around 16.

So I've dialed back. I've cut in half the amount of prebiotic that I'm taking and added a little more probiotic. I feel much better today than I have been, but without these uncomfortable challenges of constipation that I have been facing in the past.

So I'm glad I brought it up. Keep it in mind; maybe it's something that you want to try in the future, especially as you get into the fall, and you know, the foods change. Thank you.

@enigmaticOcean8813

Hi Ocean, 

Did you cut the protein and increased probiotics?

@Turtleonmyleftarm, I cut the prebiotics in half, doubled the probiotics, and cut protein from 60g to 45g per day. I feel better today than the last two days.

Prebiotics and probiotics! Sorry, I didn’t read correctly 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi guys, 

I don't have anything to report about today (Monday 26th) so this post is going to be slightly different than all of my previous ones. Whoever comes and sees this for the first time, without knowing what we normally write each other, will think I don't know what an accountability thread is 🤣

Anyway. Today I wanted to write you about two things: two podcast episodes that resonated with me, and a realization I've had today.

Starting with the most interesting things, today I've had the chance to listen to quite a few episodes of Look Good Move Well, and two in particular really made me think and didn't leave my thoughts even after they were over. 

The first one in order of listening was the episode published on June 7th, called "how fit are you? Score yourself". Not for the actual fitness score (I actually didn't even check myself on that) but for the mental aspects of mindset, stress and relationships and how these three things have a much higher impact on our lives than we normally think about. While I was listening to that part of the podcast my thoughts went to you, and thought you should try and listen to it to see if anything would resonate with you or would give you something to think about...

The second episode is the one that really, really shocked me because in more than one moment I thought they were actually talking about me - with me - for me. It's the episode published on March 14th called "fitter than ever". I don't want to write too much because I don't want to spoil it to you, but let me tell you it's not what it seems from the title. It's actually a very profound discussion about how we always try to reach for more, how we're never satisfied and how this perpetual search for perfection / for the lower weight / for the more defined muscles / etc. is not sustainable and only leads to being unhappy and losing sight of other more important things in life. 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I hadn't thought of this before. And it's not like I am suddenly going to act differently or change my life. But actually hearing those words and seeing that other people have exactly the same struggle I have, really stopped me in my tracks (well actually not, I was walking) and made me think about that episode for a long time after it finished. I actually stopped my phone from playing a new episode and kept walking without listening to anything else, as I really wanted to absorb all of the things that had been said... 

So yeah. These are the two episodes I would like to suggest you to try and listen. Especially the 2nd one. I hope it resonates with you as much as it did with me, and that it can help you.

Passing now to less interesting things, I wrote above that I was going to tell you about a realization I've had today. So here it is. I realized I am afraid I am "healing" too quickly and that my accomplishments could somehow make less valid my diagnosis of anorexia. I've always had this feeling of "I am not ill enough because I am not thin enough",  or "I am not ill enough because I restrict foods but I've actually not removed many foods completely from my life" or another infinte list of things I do wrong in my mind. I've recently talked about this with the therapist from the ED centre and she said it was ***, but it's something that's always there, underlying and present. Today I thought about the pizza I've had yesterday, and to the fact I actually have one meal out every week, which is usually pizza. And anorexic people don't eat pizza (or at least this is the narrative my ED brain is telling me). So I thought "hey, if you keep eating pizza and telling people you eat pizza, how can you be anorexic?" and I also thought "maybe I should stop eating it, otherwise people will think I am making this up". 

The most stupid thing of all of this, is that actually nobody knows about my diagnosis except my therapist and you. And nobody cares if I eat pizza, or salad, or a stack of... bugs. 

So I recognize these thoughts are actually not valid. But if I have them, I must start recognizing them as to be able to combat them. So I am here, writing them down for you to read them and see that I am going to fight my ED brain telling to shut the *** off, and that it will not ruin my accomplishments. And that whether I heal in one week or a hundred years, it's all going to be a valid time. And if I heal too quickly, well, all the better. Right?

Thank you for reading my Monday ramblings. I hope you're having a great day and I am looking forward to reading how amazingly this week is starting for you. Sending love!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Awe, I love this thoughtful post and everything you shared!

Those episodes of the podcast really sound like me as well... I saw them in the listings but have not listened to them yet. From what you summarized though, it has been much of what my life has revolved around. I'll add them to my cue! 

Your so right in that hearing the words from other people is empowering. Just like reading everyone's stories on here, it is nice to know that I am not the only one who struggles with these things, and in fact there are many others.

I think your recovery is going very well and that there really is no real "time-frame" for healing. I think also that the anorexia/eating disorders in general are so varied that there isn't a "single" diagnosis. Like for me, I am technically bulimic, but I always manage to eat and keep breakfast down, mostly lunch, and I eat dinner. It's just that I would have binge sessions in between... So I would have nutrients, but just mess it up in between.

Anyway, its so encouraging hearing your success and how you are navigating your journey. No matter what the "diagnosis" is, you are aware that there is something about your life that needs to change and you are actively taking steps to work on that. I'm here for you for as long as it takes!

Great job Turtle and wonderful reflection :)

Hi Phoenix,

thank you for your feedback and for understanding my message, and supporting me as always ❤️

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

Hi, @Turtle. I listened to the two podcasts last night after reading your posts before going to bed, and I think I had a little bit of a different take on them than you might have. I do agree with you that the mental or cognitive aspects, including stress and relationships, have a higher impact than we would normally think about. I know that's very true in my own case, so that very much resonated with me from the June 7th podcast.

But in general, as far as the Score Yourself podcast went, there was enough ambiguity in there, that is, enough ambiguity in the scoring system, that I thought for any of the three of us, or for any of the additional lurkers who might be reading but not writing, you could interpret what Filly had to say a little bit differently. I might have taken what he had to say in some cases a little more positively. The short version is that I think by sticking together and sharing our highs and our lows, our successes and setbacks, we are making progress and that we are, you know, really largely in the green zone or yellow zone.

Even if we have pizza every once in a while (and I do too), you know, that's okay. I take it to be part of therapy. As for the second podcast, I don't think you are healing too quickly and that any accomplishments that you have made either recently or in the past couple of years invalidate your diagnosis. I mean, I restricted for close to, I would say, 50 years, but I'm turning things around largely because my neurosurgeon scared me and I had to face up to all my doctors and my family. Fortunately, I found support here.

So, I would argue I am healing quickly. I added more food to my diet, changed up my prebiotic-probiotic-protein regimen, and am eating more. My weight's not changing though, but I don't think that we should fear that healing too quickly invalidates a diagnosis because you never know when symptoms will come back to bite you. And I think, you know, this is like any other health issue or mental health issue. It's something we have to keep after.

You wrote, "...that you recognize these thoughts are actually not valid." I think your thoughts are valid. I think we've all gone through them, so you should put that out of your mind. It's not stupid. We all keep our diagnoses to a small group, especially men, those of us that are men with ED problems, which is an even smaller group. I wouldn't worry about healing too quickly. Just celebrate the victories when they happen. That's enough of my rambling for today.

@enigmaticOcean8813 @Turtleonmyleftarm

I really need to listen to these podcasts! Don't worry I will :) I have labor day weekend ahead so some more extra time then.

From what it sounds like though there are some good bits of advice, but "healing" is very dependent on the individual and their circumstances. As you said Ocean, the important thing is that we found one another, recognize that there are changes we can make, and finding support here. I think we are all also aware that there is no "quick fix" which society loves to advertise. It is through making small changes each and every day that we'll become even better.

Thanks guys for all the thoughts and experiences you share! Your ramblings are always welcome and it's just nice knowing someone is listening/reading.

Monday 8/26

Had a nice morning and start to school! I was a little disappointed with my workout, I was not able to hit those same weights as I had before, but still came close. I'm not entirely sure why this may be, but I suppose it could be many factors. I'm not too upset but just puzzled. Anyway, back to school and the day went well!

I even had more energy after school which was nice. More importantly ED brain was far quieter than it was in the past after school. I came home, sat on my back porch and read a few chapters. Then had my healthy yogurt snack and dinner. Catching up with 7 cups now :)

I've been eating better, resting better, and just overall feeling better which is so wonderful. I feel more capable at work and just need to keep thinking positive moving forward. 

I'll be adding some of the podcasts @Turtleonmyleftarm mentioned to my queue and listen to them on my way and back from work tomorrow :)

Have a wonderful night everyone and great Tuesday!

Hi Phoenix,

sometimes we have different results in our training and it doesn’t really have a “reason why”. It could be our hormones, or not having slept well enough, or not having drank enough… It could be anything, but it doesn’t mean you’re not progressing. And actually this unintentional and unexpected slow down will make reaching your higher weights more exciting when you’ll do it again, cause I’m sure you will 😉

I am happy school went well and that every aspect of your day was good. I hope you’ve had the chance to listen to the podcast and I am looking forward to reading your thoughts on it!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Thanks for the wisdom Turtle :) You are right! The next time around It'll feel even better. Overall though I see some progress. I just need to realize that it really does take a long time to build muscle. The real focus for now is just eating healthier and keeping down my meals.

Unfortunately, I didn't listen to the podcasts just yet! But I will let you know when I do!

Accountability for Tuesday 27th 

Today I went to the gym and had a good workout, but my ED brain was quite noisy anyway, and made me restrict carbs a little. We’re not talking huge quantities, but still… 

And to think I have been listening to many episodes of the podcast where they talk positively about them. It’s really difficult to erase all the things we’ve been made believe in the past and start acting different… But I will keep trying. As a positive thing, though, I am now eating Greek yogurt without really weighing it too precisely and actually I’ve enjoyed it right from the tub a couple of times. Small steps! 

Sending you love and positive thoughts 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like a productive day at the gym at least! Sorry to hear about ED being a little more in your thoughts today.

You have been doing such a great job and it might just be a little bit of ED brain trying to get back through, telling you that you've been eating more carbs than usual so you should dial back. The important thing is that you are aware of it, and are still making progress, like with your greek yogurt! That is exciting and every small step is one further than before!

We are just used to being so "hard" on ourselves and, speaking for myself, like to see quick results. This all takes time, and I think that the steps you, and we all, have made over the last month or so are great. 

Here for you hoping that ED brain takes a break after today!

Tuesday 8/27

Good workout this AM (arms/run), breakfast, then school. Another good day there as well! I was a little anxious about my schedule and lunch timing changing. The nice thing is that after lunch ED brain doesn't have a chance to kick in since I go back to teaching.

I also had energy at the end of the day too which is still encouraging. I have been trying to get more sleep and recognizing the importance it has in muscle recovery and overall energy through the day. It is so helpful at making me feel good, and in return I am a much better teacher/peer as well. So going to stick to getting to bed a little earlier if I can.

Meals have all been good as well. I have found that ED brain is starting to kick in a little once I get home. So around 3:30 when I get home, until 6:00 when I traditionally eat dinner. This is when I would try to have a yogurt snack, but that has just been triggering ED brain a bit more, so I might just move dinner up so that I get a more satisfying meal. 

Trying to treat this all like a "life-science-experiment" and be more open to trying new things and seeing what works. Trying to not focus so much on my body "image" but more so how I feel and trusting that with that will also come a positive image of myself.

Off to relax a bit and head off to bed for another day tomorrow! Keep being awesome everyone.

Hi @enigmaticOcean8813 I am sorry those podcast didn’t have the same impact on you as they had on me, of course everyone is different and we all get different perspectives on things. I am also sure you have been able to get more details and shades of all the things that have been discussed in those episodes since they’re in your mother tongue… Anyway I think we should always take into consideration we must take everything they say with a grain of salt since that is a podcast from “bodybuilders” not from therapists or people specialised in ED. They surely don’t consider people like us in their audience when they register those episodes… 

I would like to thank you for your reassurance about healing too quickly or the fact that my thoughts were not valid. I will cherish all the small victories and keep trying to shut my ED brain when it tells me I am wrong. 

As for the fact people normally consider EDs to be an issue for women and not for men, I am really sorry our society is like that. But I am so glad we found each other (and you four @Phoenix22k who is even closer to you than I am) and we can keep fighting together. 

@Phoenix22k I am glad you’re having such good outcomes from sleeping better and that you’re thriving. I am sure people around you will start noticing it really soon, and that your students will benefit from having an improved version of their teacher too! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I love your analogy to the science experiment, and how you’re trusting yourself to make small changes and see how things go. I think you’re being really brave and I think you will have amazing results if you keep this up. YOU. ARE. AMAZING! 

Wednesday 8/28

I had another nice day today. It has been nice getting back into the old routine with school, and while it is not an ideal "summer" day it is nice to be able to teach and mentor kids again.

I'm also still surprised with how I feel at the end of the day. I used to dread it, knowing that ED brain would be driving me crazy for hours to come, but it has still been less noisy. It is still there, but I just keep focused on coming right home (not to a grocery store), cleaning up some, and then relaxing. I still need to work on not feeling guilty for sitting down, but I'm doing better. I don't feel the "need" for exercise snacks or feel guilty about not doing push-ups or walking etc.  Just a few month ago I wouldn't "let" myself eat unless I did something beforehand, or if I did I would feel guilty about it. That no longer bothers me as much.

So another healthy dinner, kept down, and feeling good about the week. It's also still been a great month and I've made my 90% mark still! Just a few more days to go here in August :)

Wednesday 28th

I started the day with a 5 km run and a 1 km walk with the dogs. I hadn't "planned" the run, but I knew I'd be sitting still all morning, and I admit I couldn't silence the voice telling me I needed to move at least a bit to make up for all that inactivity. So, before 5 AM, I slipped out of bed and went for a short run. I told my husband I couldn't sleep anymore, but actually, it was my ED brain that made me set the alarm early for this reason...

After breakfast, he went to work. I, on the other hand, still have a few days off, so I went to the hairdresser, where (as I said) I sat for quite a while. When I got back home, I had lunch, ate my afternoon snack, prepared dinner, did some chores around the house, and then went to visit my parents. In the evening, I had dinner, and the day was over. In terms of food, I'd say I ate about 90%.

Thursday 29th

Have I ever told you that my anorexia started after a diet my husband and I did together? To recap very briefly (if I haven’t talked about it before, I’ll do so tomorrow), one thing that struck me deeply and led me down the abyss of anorexia was, among many things, a particular event. When we started the diet, my husband was training for a marathon, and the dietitian gave him specific amounts of food for the first month, which he then increased after the second month. He did the same with me, but the problem was that my portions from the second month became identical, in terms of carbs and fats, to those of my husband's first diet. And that's when the crisis started: "How can I, a woman who is 1.63 m tall and exercises much less, eat what a 1.80 m man training for a marathon eats?" - consider that back then I had just had hip surgery and wasn’t running.

Fast forward to today. My husband tells me that lately, he feels a bit heavier, he's running less, and he asked me to go back to using the amounts from his first diet for a while. In the meantime, I've been gradually and with difficulty trying to always eat the portions from my second diet. So, following his request, it means that he and I would have to eat the same amount of carbohydrates and fats, while the proteins change but not by much (for example, if he has 150 grams of chicken, I have 120).

Crisis. Tragedy. My brain immediately started telling me that it's not possible for him to eat so little and me so much, that we can't have the same needs, and that it's absurd for him and me to have identical plates. In the end, I still ate 90% of my diet - maybe even 95% with one thing or another. But there's this voice in my head that I can't silence, and I don't know if in the coming days I'll be able to prepare us identical meals without starting to restrict again...

On to today's accountability, after breakfast I did the usual walk with the dogs, then I went to the farmer's market and walked quite a bit. When I got home, I opened an egg white and oat pancake factory, which I froze for all the mornings when we want something tasty. For tomorrow morning, I tried to prepare some carrot cake overnight oats. I hope it turns out good! I'm a bit worried, mostly about the texture of the carrots, but I'll let you know how it goes... In the late afternoon, I finally went to the gym, and now I've just finished dinner and will finally take a nice shower.

I hope your day was positive!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Hi Turtle! Thanks for opening up some more about your past and sharing :) I don't believe you mentioned that before and it is interesting. 

It sounds like Wednesday was a "noisier" day for ED brain, but I think you handled it well! You maintained a "balance" between inactivity and activity. You were flexible in your approach, and yes woke up earlier to get your run in, but it allowed you to feel accomplished and counter the less active afternoon. Think of it this way, imagine how you would have felt if you didn't go for that run, I imagine it would've resulted in even more restriction. So while it may not have been perfect, I think it was a good compromise.

The nutrition plans for you and your husband sound interesting. I think the plans do seem reasonable though, given that he would need some more protein. I can sense your anxiety and know you will have some challenging times in the future. Please try to remember that you both are on different paths with different needs. You are doing a fantastic job at managing the "new you" and putting more in your diet. It sounds like he is trying to slim down. I can see that triggering ED brain as well though.

Take a moment when ED brain kicks in and think about all the progress you've shared. Your great new run times, strength, energy, and the joy you have found in things like horseback riding again. Those in part came from the new diet, which yes was a little more food than your old self, but have given you much more progress and joy from what I have read.

It'll be tough, but I know you are tougher! In the end, know that I/we are here regardless. 

I never have gotten into the overnight oats, but that does sound good! Please do give your opinion on the carrot cake:)

You are awesome turtle, and on your own path! I hope you can enjoy more of your holiday!

Hi Phoenix,

It is amazing how you always seem to have the right words for me. I wish I could help you in the same way. You really are great, everyone at you YA meet-ups must really love having the chance to spend some time with you and share their thoughts with such a wonderful and insightful person.

THANK YOU - for everything!

Yes, so the backstory is basically the one I briefly explained. I was always overweight, since my childhood. While attending high school I weighed up to 75 kg on a 1.63 m frame (165,35 lbs - 5.3 feet), then I lost some weight learning how to control my portions but never actually became thin of learned how to eat properly. I would be constantly losing weight and then putting up weight, and then losing weight etc. All of this on my own, I never went to a dietician or anything like that so I was not doing the things that were right and this worsened my relationship with food - which was already bad from growing up overweight and being treated differently from the rest of my friends during school. I cannot say I was bullied because that’s a very bad experience which I do not think I have had. But it didn’t go down well as for my thinner and more good looking friends…

I was already in a bad spiral, working out a lot, trying to control what I ate and writing down every bite on MyFitnessPal in order to try to improve my body, but of course this was hidden from everyone and I was the only one aware of that.

My husband was training for a marathon and realized he needed

some help to fuel his runs correctly and lose some weight, and told me he was thinking about going to a dietician. I told him that the best idea would have been to do it together, so we could support each other, and I would finally learn how to eat correctly. Supporting each other meaning that we would actually eat the same things (of course in different quantities) making it easier to stick to the diet rules, because it would have been difficult for him to eat plain rice with chicken and broccoli if I was eating a burger with fries at the other end of the table, right?

And so we started that experience, and you know how that went. I think I was already plagued by this eating disorder, but I think it was way way more superficial and it would impact my life just on small periods, and even in those moments I could actually eat without feeling like I had ruined my life and I would just set the following day/days modifying my food intake to stick to a rule I had created for myself.

The first month of the diet went well. The goal was not to make me lose weight but actually lose body fat and gain muscle mass, and I did, but also lost weight. So I was stoked by the result, and when the dietician gave me quantity increases I was so scared I was going to ruin everything… Then I looked again at the quantities and saw that they were the same as my husband’s first diet, and when he followed that he was already marathon training, and I think that’s the exact moment my brain said “no - we cannot do that” and my anorexia really came out.

The carrot cake overnight oats were good, but not my favourite. The issue for me was the texture of the raw grated carrots, I think I will cook them next time (or I’ll do a cooked oatmeal).

At the moment my breakfasts are:

• overnight oats with Greek yogurt, any fruit available in the fridge at the moment, and 10 grams of nuts.
• oat flour and egg whites pancakes topped with fruits and zero calories maple syrup
• fake cheesecake made with oats on the base, Greek yogurt as middle layer and fruit on top (I normally cook and smash fruit for this)
• a small slice of bread with some smashed avocado, an egg and some egg whites.

What do you normally eat for breakfast? Any good recipe you would recommend?

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Aw well Turtle you do help me A LOT ! And always have all the right things to say as well, so do not feel like I am the only one contributing :)

The overnight oats sound pretty good! I know a lot of people have many different types of them to try. I used to eat oatmeal quite a bit, with peanut butter was my favorite! 

I make most of my breakfast in advance and then microwave them. While that is not perhaps the healthiest method, it makes it quick and easy to prep. I found a lot of good recipes in the "Eat this Not That" diet/cookbook from a while ago.

My "general" breakfast is:

2 parts egg whites, 1 egg, 1/3 cup imitation crab meat, a sprinkle of low-fat cheddar cheese. I put that on a bed of kale, and drizzle with some lemon herb olive oil. I know it may sound "weird" to eat a salad for breakfast, but it is the one meal I always look forward to. I also have a piece of Ezekiel whole wheat bread. This and a protein shake (keep in mind this is after my workout).

While it may sound like a lot, without the protein shake it is about 400 calories and has plenty of protein to start my day. 

Goat Cheese/Smoked salmon omlette is a close second favorite.

Hi Phoenix,

no, I prepare all my breakfasts and lunches in advance too and the microwave is my best friend! 🤣 So no judgment here!!! 😂

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

Hi @Turtle and @Phoenix,

I'm sorry I've been absent, but we have been totally consumed with packing up and getting ready for the big moving date, which I am not very happy about at all. But that's another story for another day.

As far as food goes, I have been eating well. The prebiotics and probiotics are working out marvelously. Protein levels are good. Today I had extra protein because we were working extra hard throwing out very large items into a dumpster that I had delivered to the house. But I did want to make a couple of comments.

@Turtle, yes, the podcast didn't have the same impact. And in part, I would say that's not just because I had a different perspective, but I was a little bit turned off by the format. I don't mind the conversational tone. There are other podcasts that I've listened to that are interviews. But these podcasts seem to be a lot like news broadcasts. I got turned off when Marcus Filly started talking about his co-host's clothes, which is sexist at least and inappropriate at best. I don't remember which podcast it was, but it was inappropriate. I was looking for information. I'm not interested so much in listening to friends. I want to consume the information.

You're right, you're absolutely right that we must take what they say with a grain of salt. It is a podcast from bodybuilders. They're not trainers, I think, and yes, correct, they're not therapists. They don't necessarily know much at all about ED. They don't know our audience. It makes me kind of wish that there was a podcast just for us.

As for your entries for yesterday and today, Wednesday sounded very good. It sounded like you had a good day, a relatively good day. 90% I consider good, at least in my world, that's good for me. The story about how you began down the anorexia trail makes me a little sad to read about how anybody went down this path and restricted.

Today it's especially hard for me because I did it myself. I had tremendous physical activity all morning, a second protein shake at midday, and I actually had set aside a blueberry muffin I was going to have for a snack. But I made the mistake of stepping on the scale after I took a shower and I had put on weight, which on one hand a doctor would have said was good but ED Brain said bad. So, no blueberry muffin. Then I restricted dinner. My wife kept pushing more food and I kept saying no, so that's a source of contention. Today was not a good day here. We got a lot of work done, but a lot of restriction for no good reason. I would say today's score was ED Brain 1, Me 0.

@enigmaticOcean8813

Hi Ocean!

Don't worry, we know you're in a very busy period of your life!

Why are you not happy about the moving date? Come on, get it out of your system, we're here to listen. 

I am sorry your ED brain didn't let you eat the blueberry muffin and that it won the battle yesterday. But you're stronger than you know, and I am sure that today it will be you who will score the winning point. 

Sending you lots of love!

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

Well, @Turtle, I didn't want to leave here for a multitude of reasons. One, retirement really hasn't gone as planned. I didn't expect to retire as early as I did. I did not want to have to do it for medical reasons. I wanted to do it on my own terms. But having to undergo two operations for a tumor in my spinal cord, the residual aftereffects have left me in a state where I really was unable to continue to do the job or even drive safely. The surgeries just took too much out of me. They were very long, and given my size, which you roughly know, it was just way too much.

And so a lot has fallen to my wife. Part of the time she has been very caring, and part of the time, she has been understandably angry about the situation. I understand it, but it's still hard to take. She needs more support, and we're moving back to where her family is, so she'll have more family support. But yet there is a lot of friction. The process we’ve been going through has been terribly difficult. It doesn't help with ED brain because stress is a good trigger at times.

I have really worked hard or tried to continue to eat well, knowing that I have to, but the stress just makes me feel better. It makes me not want to eat, as you might imagine. I wanted more time here just to enjoy the house and the scenery in the area, to continue fly fishing and riding my motorcycles and doing woodworking, none of which I can do because I have poor balance, poor sensation, and poor control of my hands. I take lots of medication that slows my thinking. A number of doctors have said I should not drive in areas that I'm not familiar with, which limits where I'm allowed to drive. So I'm very limited.

But that gives you some insight and probably more than I should have said about the situation. Otherwise, today went well, with more packing up and more rest compared to yesterday. Less physical stress than yesterday. So it was a good day, and I ate everything. For the record, I ate half of my blueberry muffin. I haven't let that go. You know, they happen to be one of my favorite foods. I would even consider in my world that blueberry muffins are one of the four food groups. But I'm sure many doctors would disagree with that assessment. But the heck with them. 

@enigmaticOcean8813

Great hearing from you Ocean! It still sounds like there is a lot of stress and things to manage on your plate with the move, and for good reason. Adding all that into the mix with your recovery/diet, is an even bigger challenge so kudos for all the tiny steps you have made!

It sounds like you are making some great choices and advancing with the protein uptake! So it's nice to hear you did not restrict there. The muffin seemed to get you off track a little, which happens (we all know that!). So ED brain might have won a small battle, you still had the other meals under your belt and were active which is a victory as well. 

It wouldn't quite work for me, as I tend to be all or nothing... but perhaps try to have half of the muffin next time. Maybe this could be a way to appease both ED brain while not restricting. Just an idea.

I also imagine that once the move is officially over that you will have some more time to dial in on your nutrition goals, and less stress over all.

Still here cheering you on Ocean! I hope Labor Day weekend here in the US is somewhat relaxing for you.

Thursday 8/28

Really pushed myself again this morning with my chest/back routine after not hitting the same weights Monday... and while it was challenging, I reached them again! I have been reading/listening to how workouts really need to reach a "challenging" point, and I do think that for a while I was more-so going through the motions and not truly challenging myself regularly. While I still felt good after the workouts, I wasn't really progressing. Part of that too was due to my diet which wasn't as consistent, but that has improved as well. Overall, it was a great workout/start to the day.

School went well, and I find myself getting plenty of steps in again. Not that everything has to be about exercise, but it has helped me to relax a bit more in the afternoons. I even took a quick nap when I got home. 

Meals were all good. ED brain has chimed in a few times, especially in the evenings, but I just keep telling myself that getting to bed earlier makes me feel so much better (instead of going out and binge-eating/purging, which is an hour + ordeal).

So a pretty positive day. Better yet a long weekend ahead as we have a holiday here in the US. So I can finally listen to those podcasts!

@Phoenix22k

Hi Phoenix!

Good to read you've got another great day under your belt. 

I knew your workouts were going to improve again really soon! 😉 And I am happy you're able to have a more relaxed view on your daily step and activity count. 

I hope your holiday goes well and that you'll make the most out of these days. What are you going to celebrate? Is it labour day?

Sending you lots of love!

@Phoenix22k,

Hi, Phoenix. Very nice to read that school went well and you had a really positive day, including workouts and meals all being good. I'm wondering if you're including exercise snacks in there or if they're just basic workouts in the morning that you're referring to.

Yes, you should get caught up on the podcasts. I went back and listened to them again, and actually watched the YouTube versions. I don't know why, but I did. I still come to the same conclusion: Turtle is right. These are fitness experts; they're not doctors, counselors, and least of all, any kind of clinician trained with expertise in eating disorders.

But there are nuggets that we can take away, and I would be very interested in knowing what *you* take away from them.

hi ive been struggling with BED for a few months now and this past week has been really hard. I think ive binged every day for the past 6 days and i just feel so defeated. even before this week the binging started to become more frequent and its just really scary. idk if its ever going to stop but im so tired of feeling like *** and like i cant trust myself :(

@orangeSpruce9113

Thank you for response. I think the main cause of my BED is having body image issues. I’ve gained some weight and am struggling with feeling very insecure and uncomfortable in my body. I’ve been trying to lose weight but obviously BED makes that nearly impossible. I hope this thread will help me feel less alone.

@turtleonmyleftarm (sorry dont really know how this tagging stuff works)

Don’t worry you did it correctly, but anyway we check the thread so we will see the replies anyway.

I am sorry to read you have difficulties accepting your new body image now that you have gained some weight. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's tough when there’s so much pressure from TV, social media, and everywhere else telling us that we need to look a certain way to be accepted. So much of that is based on unrealistic standards that just aren't healthy for most people. Being thin doesn’t define your worth or make you any more valuable as a person.

What’s truly important is your overall health—both mental and physical. Taking care of yourself in all aspects, including your mental well-being and physical health, is what really matters. Remember, everyone’s body is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to what’s healthy or beautiful.

And I am sure you are a very beautiful person, inside and outside. And if you will keep writing here in our accountability thread I am sure we will have that confirmation once we will get to know you a little bit better

@orangeSpruce9113,

Hi @Orange,

Thanks so much for joining us. It takes quite a strong person to admit to others, especially those you don't know, what you are struggling with. I kept my eating disorder to myself for roughly 50 years before really admitting it to myself, my family, and my doctors. 

While the number of times that I binged over the years has been few, I can't really relate. But you should not feel defeated at all; you should feel strong because you reached out to your community. I have referred to our little group as our family. 

As @Turtle asked, what is going on? I understand that your challenge is body image issues, but Turtle is right that body image is really only one small part of who we are, both inside and outside. 

I want you to know that we are always here to listen and try to help in any way that you think we can. You have taken a great step to help yourself by reaching out to us, your family.

@enigmaticOcean8813

I know there is much more to it than just body image issues and I’m going to therapy to try to understand the root causes better. I think part of it is just habit like binging became so routine that now it feels like a normal part of my life. Part of it is also from boredom and part is a coping mechanism. I guess it’s complex but I just wish there was a singular solution or thing that I could do/work on to get rid of it. Thank you guys for your support I’m very happy to join the family.

Friday the 30th

I had decided to give myself a day off since I went to the gym yesterday in the late afternoon. So, I didn’t set the alarm to get up before my husband so as not to wake him, and I stayed in bed until his alarm went off for him to go to work. We had breakfast, and then I went out for a 1 km walk with my two dogs. At the end of the walk, I left the Rottweiler in the garden since she’s now old and doesn’t walk much anymore (plus, she doesn’t handle the summer temperatures very well, although it’s still pleasant outside before 7 in the morning), and I decided to take the second dog, the Poodle, for an additional 2 km walk. So, 3 km of walking in total.

When I got back home, I tidied up a few things, started a load of laundry, and then… I put on my running shoes and went out for a 5 km run under the sun at 10 in the morning. All the while telling myself that it’s good for me to get used to running in higher temperatures, like I usually do on Sundays. Or telling myself that even just an extra 5 km on my legs will be useful for a race I’ll have to tackle at the end of September.

Sure, these things are true. But I can’t lie to myself, and I know that this is only part of the reason that pushed me to go running again today. The other part was my eating disorder, although fortunately, 99% of the time, I exercise for the joy and pleasure that physical activity brings me, not to burn calories. But it’s evident, and I can’t hide that today a part of me wanted to do it ALSO for that reason – to feel like I deserve food.

This evening, when my husband came home from work, he said he wanted to do some exercise, so I joined him for half an hour. A bit of stretching, some hip mobility exercises, a few planks… Nothing intense, but still physical activity (he suggested it because he thought I hadn’t done anything today, and I didn’t confess to him about my run).

I ate all my meals, I slightly cheated on dinner, but we’re talking about really small amounts. On the other hand, I’ve been drinking several coffees with milk for the past few days. I used to use very little milk, just a few drops. Now I put in a bit more, I think between 30 and 50 grams. And sometimes I end up drinking 3 of these coffees in one day. They’ve become my guilty pleasure, the only “extra” thing I allow myself, but I’m starting to feel guilty and like I’m losing control because of it. I think I need to cut back, and surely starting Monday, when I go back to work and no longer have all this time at home, I’ll only drink one a day. So I’m trying not to feel too bad, thinking that I’ll only drink it for two more days and then go back to normal...

I hope your Friday went well and that you have a great weekend! Sending you a hug.

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

Your report sounds like Friday was a pretty good day. Turtle. You had some time to yourself. As I've said before, my physical therapist has always said days off are a good thing. It's good to get some running, and you will have to let us know when the race is in September so that we are ready for the countdown.

The other thing that I noticed and that I continually notice is how similar our stories are in so many ways. You know, I exercise to reduce stress and to a large degree build muscle and work on my balance. Those are major reasons, but I do have to admit it is to keep my weight where it is so that I can eat more, or as you wrote, that I deserve food. Being the senior of the group, I wind up exercising less or at least less right now, or doing a Pilates program in the morning. A lot of the exercise is cleaning up and throwing things in the dumpster, and believe me, that leaves me sore.

Over the last few weeks, I've grown to like coffee. I used to be a tea drinker. I don't like milk at all, and I think I don't know if I am lactose intolerant or just have trouble with it, but I don't drink it black. One thing that I read somewhere is that one healthy additive to coffee is ginger. With the right amount, it gives coffee a very interesting taste, and you have all the healthy effects of ginger added to coffee. Well, now I can't get away from it. And as I'm dictating this message, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee.

So I hope that you have a good weekend as well preparing for your race, and I'll be interested to read in what other ways we are similar!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like a really nice day turtle! I'm sure your pups loved the attention :)

Your choice to go running, I personally think this is fine. Yes, you might have done it out of a "guilt" but as you also said you enjoy doing it. I think that no matter what recovery we make, or even for the "normal people" that this aspect is a part of life. We move and burn calories. I'm sure you felt great after your run and that the pleasure from it was nice, so enjoy that! Now if you felt like you had to run 15k or keep going on all day, then that might be more of an issue. You moved around, and got some extra movement in too with your husband. 

I think that all that is a testament to your nutrition as well, and how well you have been doing. That is a good bit of exercise in the day and you had the proper nutrition to go about it. I love your new "guilty pleasure" as well!

Just thinking, it has been about 2 months since we all started this, and you have made tremendous progress! Try not to be too hard on yourself (advice I also need to take). You are doing great!