No One Knows I am Bulimic.

I am 35. Female. Overweight. I have been binge eating my entire adult life.

I began purging post-binge in my freshman year of high school. They had been teaching us about it in health class, trying to teach us the warning signs of bulimia. I had been fat - and teased for it - my entire life. To me, this information they were teaching wasnt a warning, but an answer!! Even when I wasnt overweight, kids teased me because I was bigger than everyone else (taller, broader).... if I could just be thin... no one would care how tall I was or how broad my shoulders were if I was THIN...

Even now, I hate that word... thin... skinny... I hate that they were associated with being healthy on the 80s and 90s and I hate that theyre still used on food packaging to sell it as food that will help you be one of these things... but no one tells you that if you eat the entire Costco bag of Skinny Pop, you might as well have gone to the movies and had a tub of buttered popcorn.

I digress.

I am 35. I have been purging since high school, intermittently. At some times in my life, I have been leaner and others I have been bigger. My highest weight is 314 lbs... in fact, that number is literally tattooed on my forearm, as a reminder of my lowest point in my life, struggling with depression and binge eating - a reminder to never go back.

So, in my life I have been thin because of stress... Ive been thin because I literally couldnt afford to eat and also feed my kids - so I fed my kids... Ive been thin because of intentionally eating well and exercising regularly (this was definitely the best one)... I have NEVER been thin because I binge/purge my way there or use laxatives abusively, yet here I am; 35 years old, going through cycle after cycle with my husband on deployment without any contact, a teenager coming out to me as non-binary, a pre-teen (12!) wanting to date, a toddler that just turned 2, a cross-country move that I must execute solo (which includes finishing the remodel of our home) in a 6 week span, annnnnnnnd my best girlfriends wedding to be in next weekend - 4 states away - for which I am not sure I will any longer even fit into my dress because I have binged 10 lbs onto my body in the last 3 months (which would have been more without the purging. Ugh.)...

3 years ago, I had eaten right, exercised, and therapied (without everrrrrr admitting I was bulimic) my way to a normal BMI. It

Was glorious... I was happy, secure, and stable and a healthy weight and size for the first time in all of my memory...

We decided we wanted one more baby (for whom I am eternally grateful) and I gained 71 lbs while pregnant. I am still struggling against roughly half of that 71 lbs... more than half, now.

I keep starting over... eat healthy, get the sugar out of my house and out of my body... fit in walks while getting all of the other things... drink my water... then SOMETHING always happens... first it was Valentines Day alone, then my birthday, then Easter, then Mothers Day, then all three of my kids birthdays (June and July, all)... and they all start with not enough sleep, sugar and caffeine, then late night snacking that becomes a binge... and I binge KNOWING I can purge it... KNOWING that I can take a dose of exlax.

I hate this. I want to be free. I want to be able to tell someone who will ask me if Im ok. I want to be able to cry and tell them no, Im not ok... I want to celebrate with them when I am ok.

I just want to be free.

@carrotcakefan , @ForeverKeepRising , @Anomalia @justbreathe11 , @MistyMountainHope , @safeandsoundta , @PuppyLove13 , @1adaptabletiger , @CatGirl2015 , @aminacoffin , @MayBlue , @Just0Annie , @teddybear211 , @summertimesamness