Sharing my experience with developing Binge Eating

Hi,

A while ago I started exercising and eating healthier to get fitter and stuff. I am really good at sticking to a rhythm so I was making great progres and it was really fun. I workout out during the week and on the weekends I did treat myself by allowing myself to get that slice of cake on an occasional birthday or eat that unhealthy thing (like nutella on bread or something delicous when we were eating out with the family).

But slowly, because of all the work I put in, I started to work more towards those "cheat" moments on the weekend. Like working out and abstaining from unhealthy stuff was the way for me to get rewards later on. This lead to me putting a lot more pressure on these moments. Like: not just putting nutella or something on my bread on a cheat-moment, but putting A LOT on it. Thinking "I have to wait another week and work hard to do this again" or "I can work it of again and I deserve it". On other occasions, it got me thinking things like "I am allowed to eat something, like a donut or muffin, why not both?" Or "I ate this chocolate, might as well eat a bag of chips as well because its my cheatday and tomorrow I have to work hard again".

Now rewarding doesn't always have to be bad, but it really became an obsession. Like a cycle I cannot break out of. You will see me work out, then crave that food and overeat and then feel bad about it after I buy something or while eating already. And then forcing myself to reach my workout goals to compensate. Which makes me more tired, sometimes really badly like feeling my legs when walking up stairs and stuff, but also makes me crave even more.

It has gotten a bit out of hand to a point where I really feel the need to make the most of opportunities to eat that events and stuff are more about what I am going to eat then the event itself. A while back I went out for a day of shopping and what I was going to buy was less of an item then the morning/afternoon snacks and lunch. Obsessing over all the options and I even got home nauseous from getting... all of them. There are so many more examples of this in the last period. Last weekend I had a relaxed day, home alone, and from a certain moment in the morning my mind was like "how about something nice for tonight when you're home alone chilling and watching football". From that moment on, I think it was the most prominent thing on my mind for hours. I even looked at options on the grocery store website. When I ended up going to the store (I had to go anyway) I spend more than 15 min just standing there fighting with my mind on what to do and ended up getting a bar of chocolate. Which was a small win because there were so many worse options like I even thought about a cake (like a half one, just for myself...) or a combination of multiple things. But the fight in my mind was so difficult, let alone it being on my mind for the whole day. And I was so close to walking out of the store, but stumbled at the last moment and fell.

I feel like that's the biggest issue at the moment. The cycle of working out and rewarding myself with food and then over again to compesate on both ends needs to stop. But the fact that all these options can be on my mind for the whole day is bad. And on top of that when presented the chance, I seem to be able to fight it, but just at the last moment I give in and don't have any trick to get over that final hurdle of actually not doing it.

It is one of the reason why I signed up here because I want to break that cycle and find ways to beat my mind on this. Especially because I don't want to lose my great fitness progress and hard work before it gets worse and really need to stop that workout obsession to compensate. Already some chats with people on here and reading experiences from others has helped me become more aware and feel less like an idiot for it. But I am really looking for ways to improve my mind in the coming period. Which will be so hard because just signing up here can already trigger the idea like "great first step, you deserve a reward for that my friend"!

If you read all of this, awesome, and sorry it is kinda long but I really wanted to get if off my chest because I struggled with it for a while and have not really got anyone to talk to about it. Any words or tips are appreaciated or if you find yourself struggling with it as well, hope the story helps in some way :)