My Personal Story on How I Stopped Starving Myself

For me anorexia is about fundamental needs, body image, and control. Its a battle I fought for years and a struggle that, after multiple treatment stays, I can say Ive achieved some recovery from. These are my thoughts on how ED worked for me and how I recovered. Emphasis on worked for me. I think there are so many traits ED warriors share, but we also have unique backgrounds that lure us back to ED again and again. And therefore we have to approach it with our unique needs in mind.

Ill work backward from the three items I listed above. First, control. I absolutely hated it when people would say, Youre restricting to show you can control something. The implication was that I couldnt control other things in my life and so I turned to ED. I internalized that implication as meaning I was defective. No! Try telling someone with an ED (me) Im defective. You think that helps? No way! Instead, I needed to believe there are many things in life that are out of my control, and thats okay. Im okay on days I restrict, purge, or got in my freaking 3 meals and 3 snacks! Theres a song that says, Letting go is the only way to climb. For me, control was part of it, but feeling controlled, out of control, etc. and analyzing it was not particularly helpful. But I tossed it in there because it was floating around in my ED, just not so simple as one might imagine. If different views of control help you understand your ED, great!! Use everything that works for you to fight.

Second, body image. Im a guy. So there can be some differences if youre female or identify with multiple genders. But I have both male, female, and multigendered warrior friends and I dont think were as different as some think. Or that the spectrum of EDs are all that different (AN, BN, BED, EDNOS, whatever) Sure the media inundates us with images of ultra thin female models (and male models) as well as super muscular dudes (and super muscular girls). As far as body image, compliments on being thin are incredibly addictive. Pursuing the ideal body (whatever that means) whether by restricting, purging, over-exercising, or by any other avenue, did occupy my time and make me feel something different when I was overwhelmed, but Ive realized that pursuing attractiveness actually leads to feeling really lonely. And isolated. Thats the opposite of what the ED promised me. ED is so full of contradictions!

And finally, the unmet needs thing. Youve heard the term, maybe? Well, this is the one I think contributes the most to the struggle, at least it did for me. Starving is the opposite of meeting needs. What are some of my needs? Security, stability, love, acceptance, companionship among others. Starving myself was a way to reinforce the voice that said see, you arent worth anything, you dont deserve love or anything good ... you dont even deserve to eat! Even writing that makes me almost shudder. Please ED warriors! Dont believe that! Maybe you got that message from your parents, maybe from friends, maybe from almost anywhere. Could be from depression, anxiety, bipolar, or some other box or label someone put you in. Step 1: Believe you deserve to have your needs met. Thats how recovery started for me. Tackle control and perfectionism, body image, and all the other facets of ED for sure! But start believing you are valuable and deserve good things (or if "deserve" rubs you the wrong way from a spiritual core belief, maybe try going for I have intrinsic value). This internal belief is the foundation of freedom, I think.

Looking to the external to meet internal needs isnt a lasting solution. For me, the way to stop starving myself was to start believing that my needs are important. Identifying what they are. And learning how to meet them for myself. The background on my phone for the past year or two? You are worth it! Do I believe it all the time? No. Am I tempted to go back to the ED? Sometimes, yes. But I started by taking steps toward accepting my value and respecting my needs.

EDs, ah yes, an addiction to suffering. Yup. No matter what youve been told or told yourself; whether it has been for days, months, years, or decades, please know you dont deserve to suffer. No matter what. Ill wrap it up. I have practical thoughts too and a million others ways to call out ED, but this is my journey. I thought this would be short! ED is not simple. And the answer isnt short. And my answer isnt necessarily your answer. There's no judgment here! Disagreeing can be really empowring if done respectfully. There are probably so many triggering things Ive said! Im hesitant to post this because of that. I know each journey is unique. Because each person is unique! So my story isnt your story. YOUR story is YOUR story and its amazing. And it matters. Keep fighting the good fight, friends!