Lossing progress pls any advice

Tw mentioning of calories 

So hey again 

I tired to recover I started eating whenever I'm hungry cooking etc.. I stayed like that for a while but sometimes I remember how *** I was and somehow miss these days or I feel pity over myself I don't know how to explain ugh do y'all feel the same sometimes?

Anyways but recently I'm feeling like my weight is getting out of hand I'm feeling like I'm going to my disordered eating behaviours I'm eating less skipping meals drinking more coffee I know where this is going I'm loosing all my progress it's a matter of time before I go back again to under <edited for cal by KristenHR> cal diet and I hate it it's always few months of peace before going back to the spot of beginning 

 I'm afraid it'll be worse than last time (last time it gotten real bad in the years of my on/off situation like I started calories counting tracking my body measurements purging sh again after staying over 2years clean)

I don't want it to get worse I don't know how to stop these thoughts I can't think positive about my body I can't convince myself that I'm normal I know it's bad for me I know it's drain all my energy I know I'm already skinny but I can't believe it 

And since it's an on/off situation like months of restricted eating months of trying to recover + my awareness of my issue

I think it's not that bad and I just wanna be a victim and suffer 

Does anyone feel the same like it's not real bad since there's worse cases?