I miss it, but I won't act on it
In spring 2013 I became anorexic and it lasted 5 months. Then, till late fall 2014, I was on all possible diets. I still occasionally starve myself in moments of severe stress, last time was in October 2016. I had two friends almost die from anorexia, so I promised myself I would never go into this again, I would be the role model of person who had these tendencies but battled them. To an extent. I don't eat snacks, fast foods, ready dishes, sweets, avoid sugar, even sodas. Recently however... after so much time passed, I suddenly feel so tempted to start fasting again. And I don't get it, I don't even want to lose weight! I have also read somewhere that exercise burns cortisol and I want to exercise 5 times a week. Recently I have received much love from the people. Whenever it happens, I remind myself of spring 2013 when I was first in love, and anorexic. So I guess that I might unconsciously feel the need to repeat the experience... but I will try not to act on with. I am in command here, not Ana.
@Sheba94 well done on recovering from that, stay strong, if you ever need to talk just leave me a message :)
@Sheba94 - Hi lovely, I'm really proud of you for holding yourself to recovery even when it's hard! You are way stronger than this disease and you get to make the decisions here!
In terms of why it's coming up now, I htink it could be an unconscious connection as you mentioned. I also think that often our eating disorders serve a purpose outside of weight loss - often as a coping mechanism for burying feelings, dealing with stress, needing or avoiding attention/support, etc. Do you think that there might be other things going on in your life right now that could be bringing up the need for a coping mechanism?
@Anomalia - Thank you for reading my story, and for your reply <3 I guess the main problem is that I felt too pressured about the life plans I've had. Now that I've changed them, I am less stressed, and hopefully the will to starve goes away. I think a good compromise is eat only when I feel the need, but eat normal things, no calorie counting. Even though I must say that I sometimes feel tempted to check the weight on the scale. It's always like that, when I see that I've lost weight (without even trying), I feel proud of myself, I think everyone in here can relate to this... I guess that visiting my father in Italy - that is, delicious pizza - would solve the problem. Haha.
Are you also ex pro-ana? What is your story?
@Sheba94 - Sorry for my delay in replying! I think that eating without calorie counting is a huge step and one that means a ton for recovery. The tough part is when you said eating when you feel the need - I think that's always the ultimate goal, to get to intuitive eating, but sometimes our eating disorders can mess with our hunger and fullness cues and make us feel not hungry even when our bodies need food. Do you feel like you're feeling the need to eat often enough for that to be a guide towards healthy eating, or do you often not feel hungry even after not eating for a long time?
As for my story, I'm in recovery from about a 10 year struggle with an eating disorder that morphed over time between restricting to purging and occasionally binging. There were periods within that decade that I would start to recover a bit, but I focused mostly on the eating behaviors, not on the underlying things that were causing them, so I would always end up right back where I started as soon as something really overwhelming hit. Eventually, I hit my version of rock bottom and committed fully to recovering and started a really long uphill climb to getting better, but this time including focusing on my triggers, developing other coping mechanisms, etc. so that it would last. So now I consider myself fully in recovery. I still sometimes have the same thoughts or urges to restrict, but I'm able to recognize them, combat them, and let them go without slipping back into it. Which is pretty darn awesome!
Well done! We are all super proud of you for managing to keep it up! :D
Best of luck! :)
@Sheba94
First of all I want to say that I'm so proud of the progress you have made!
As far as what thoughts are coming up now, maybe there's some other things going on in your life that maybe you're using your ED as a coping mechanism?
Even though you're dealing with all of this is sounds like you're still in control of your ED and you're not letting it take over, and that takes so much strength!!
If you ever need to chat feel free to send me a message!
Stay strong, love!
@Sheba94 First off, I am sorry that you lost both your friends this past fall. That is a horrible tragedy that no one should have to endure. I just want you to know that what you are going through is very understandable. It sounds like to me that, even though you know Anorexia is dangerous, it has become a coping mechanism for you. I'm not sure if you know how to deal with stress in a healthy manner. So, whenever the stress becomes overwhelming, you are tempted to revert back to your own ways. Learning some healthy coping mechanisms, such as journaling or taking a hot bubble bath, may help reduce these urges. If all else fails, I would recommend you seek counseling (if you haven't already). Best of luck to you and if you ever need to talk, just message me @animallover90 and I'll respond ASAP if I am not already online.