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Sheba94
53,763 M Confident Walk 1
PathStep 97 Compassion hearts455 Forum posts33 Forum upvotes42 Current upvotes42 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2017 Member sinceNovember 1, 2016
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I didn't want to be shaped by it (but I was)
Trauma Support / by Sheba94
Last post
 February 27th, 2017
...See more Hey everyone. I am female, 23, from Europe. I had a sad history of being raped twice in my life (October 2014, July 2016) and molested by one of my professors (October 2017). I tested for STIs 3 times in total, and luckily I am clean. I was so happy after receiving my medical check results and seeing that I'm perfectly healthy, I felt like I got another chance from God to take better care of myself. I worked on myself for I really wanted to move on and forget, what was... and find someone who will truly love me. Give someone new a chance. But the thought of having sex again, or even kissing, terrifies me to such an extent that I am seriously thinking about staying single forever. I feel like my mind was permanently damaged. Plus, my ex boyfriend was very toxic and I still didn't get over it, and I suffered for 4 years from unrequited love for a pen friend that never took me seriously. I feel like all my love potential was wasted on the two of them. In addition, I grew up as a fatherless daughter, seeing my mother's fiance mistreat her. It seems to me I know nothing about healthy relationships and sex, and that I have no chance to be with anyone with the experiences I've had. I feel easy and cheap, and too broken to even talk to people sometimes. I've talked to several listeners in here, had all of them saying "don't worry, you will find someone", but I have no reason to believe that. I don't trust men anymore. I don't believe in love anymore. And love was the most important value in my life, as well as purity, and honesty, and religiousness. I was Christian since birth, but I quit after the first time I was raped. I felt like God didn't care about me and my tears, like I was invisible to him. I still feel like that. To everyone who may ask why I don't want to be single: I feel extreme pressure from the society in which I live, to marry and have a "sorted out" life. Also, it would be nice to have a companion with whom I could share the joys and sorrows of life. Everyone stumbles once in a while and I get moments of self hate, but I am generally trying to be forgiving towards myseld and to take good care of myself. Lack of self love and friendships/family is not my case. I just want to be like other girls who grew up in normal households and didn't have my experiences. I don't want to be shaped by rape, but I see that I am letting it shape me. :( If there is anyone here who could talk to me or support me anyhow. I'd be really grateful.
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I miss it, but I won't act on it
Eating Disorder Support / by Sheba94
Last post
 February 28th, 2017
...See more In spring 2013 I became anorexic and it lasted 5 months. Then, till late fall 2014, I was on all possible diets. I still occasionally starve myself in moments of severe stress, last time was in October 2016. I had two friends almost die from anorexia, so I promised myself I would never go into this again, I would be the role model of person who had these tendencies but battled them. To an extent. I don't eat snacks, fast foods, ready dishes, sweets, avoid sugar, even sodas. Recently however... after so much time passed, I suddenly feel so tempted to start fasting again. And I don't get it, I don't even want to lose weight! I have also read somewhere that exercise burns cortisol and I want to exercise 5 times a week. Recently I have received much love from the people. Whenever it happens, I remind myself of spring 2013 when I was first in love, and anorexic. So I guess that I might unconsciously feel the need to repeat the experience... but I will try not to act on with. I am in command here, not Ana.
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