It's time to move forward. TW: suicide-attempt, divorce.
It's time to move forward, but I don't know where to draw the line on moving forward but healing from the past.
I have told less than 5 people, outside of this forum post, that last summer I attempted suicide, spent two days in the emergency room, and then was held the maximum three days against my will in a behavioral health clinic where all they did was ask me the same five questions twice a day then leave me alone the remainder.
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. I haven't even told my dad, and we have an alright relationship.
It doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I did that, or that it happened to me.
I can't seem to tell anyone how my divorce is making me feel like every other problem I've ever had was a joke. It is making me feel more lost than I can ever imagine. Tomorrow, he is moving out, and I still feel so much love for him that I don't feel like I can handle looking at the desk he used to sit in, after he is gone. I have no idea how to handle it, when I can't even handle it in the present moment.
I can't seem to do anything to fix that my boyfriend is not treating me well. That he love bombs me, and then the next day is controlling and obsessive to the point that I can't spend more than 20 minutes without contacting him and him not freaking out. That he can't do anything without me, and doesn't handle me doing anything without him well. That I know he is a liar, but he makes me feel like the person who isn't trusted.
I don't know how to let things go, I don't know how to move forward, I don't know what to do.
But I do know i'm looking forward to getting better. I know i'm looking forward to being the person I know I can be. I am excited for future me, who controls her environment better, who is more secure, who can handle the next thing. I just don't know how to become her.
@CharlotteZ
It takes a lot of courage to talk about this and I am glad you are willing to make this step towards your own recovery. I have also attempted suicide last year (first and only time last November) and, like you, not many people actually know about it. If you are anything like me, it feels like my entire life is segmented into two parts. Pre-and post-attempt, and it's still something I am trying to process.
@Ickis
Thank you for the reply.
I can entirely relate. Nothing has felt the same, I am just really needing the post-attempt to start feeling better. I hope youre doing okay.
@CharlotteZ
I hope you are feeling better too. For me, more times than I would like I go back to the night and think "what if I had suceeded," and then feel a bit numb for awhile after that. I haven't been able to identify a trigger for these thoughts yet. If you don't mind my asking, do you feel similar?
@Ickis
Yeah, I understand that. I really just feel guilt. I had called my mom and my partner for help in a panic, and seeing the shock on their faces while I was still alive makes me feel scared about how they'd really have felt if I didnt survive.
I don't feel numb so much as sorrow for what I put others through, and dread of what I could have put them through. I never want to be in that spot again.
I like what you said about first and last. It was my first and last too.
