I need a spark.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 

@victoriousHug82 Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I haven’t known what to say to anyone. I read your message again, and it helps to know that you have had similar struggles and found a way to overcome them. I find a lot of solace in being alone, or just me and my kids. They need the socialization, which is a challenge for me. I wish I had spent more time alone when I was younger. Now I have to manage the demands of other adults, and I can’t really figure out a way to take care of myself the way I need to. I know I’m supposed to be able to say no, but it never seems to be that simple. Compromise eludes me. I lose no matter what. But I try to do what I can for myself when I can.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It does feel good to write things down ^^ I really like that through your pain and struggle you've learned so much about yourself and the world.

I believe relationships are based on the willingness of the people involved to understand each other. So many minds with so many thoughts and so many rights & wrongs ^^ so I guess there are always new rules to learn and understand when it comes to people and our relation with them. 

Time has made you wiser to people and situations but unfortunately that knowing comes with added fears and trust issues. Sometimes it's the other person we don't trust and sometimes it's our own self, maybe we can start by learning to forgive ourself for the past mistakes and putting a little more trust in us<3 

You've already done so much work on yourself and are trying to find things to bring back the spark so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before you find it :)

@BlueDarkAurora Thank you. ❤️ You’re so sweet. I’m sorry I haven’t replied until now. Words always used to come easily to me, but now I just go blank. I don’t connect to my feelings the same anymore.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas No worries<3 the replies were for you to read, replying isn't a requirement<3 We've got limited words to describe the infinite thoughts and emotions we feel so it's okay to not know what to say when there's a silent storm going on inside. We all understand that.

The world works on energy exchange, there are givers and the takers. Maybe the hearts of people like you are just filled with care and understanding, they are so okay with giving even when they recieve nothing back and so the takers keep taking, the takers we keep finding. They feel justified in asking cause the know you're willing to do it for them even if you almost spend yourself while doing it. 

You're the one you need to find<3 Allow yourself the same kindness and don't let the people taking so much get all of you. They won't appreciate it but would complain when you have nothing left to give. They blame you for their decisions cause you'll take the fall, they'll say you're unkind because they didn't feel like you lost yourself enough for them, they'll cry you never cared if you walk away. The more you are willing to give, the more you'll feel yourself surrounded by such takers.

I can't say that filling your cup first and putting yourself first will attract all the kind people like that cause people change when the energy shifts. People are unpredictable but you for yourself are stable in your core. 

I was so afraid of losing the people in my life that I was giving everything I had just so that they would stay but it wasn't worth it. The moment I kept myself above them all, I lost so many but I got a few who stayed :)

@BlueDarkAurora You have a lot of understanding of social interactions. You described so many situations I’ve been in. I hate to break off another relationship. I feel like all I’ve ever done my whole life is run from something. I wanted to finally relax, settle down, and feel at home somewhere. But I think I pulled into the wrong place to do that again. I can feel that my mind and body crave to be alone and focused on myself again. I daydream about being on my own with my kids.

Thank you for writing me again. ❤️

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas if running is the escape your soul needs then it's not wrong. Sometimes it's not about facing the circumstances but knowing what your heart needs. Choosing yourself is not running<3 It's the bravest thing you can do for yourself. I'm sure we've all had the thought of not wanting to repeat a past action again and so we find things to just settle down but if it doesn't feel safe then is it really settling down or just a compromise we make at the cost of our soul. Ask your heart if you tried your best and I'm sure deep down the answer you'll find is a yes<3 so how can things not working out be your fault. I hope you do get to find your peace and a place with your kids that just feels like a home you've always wanted. 

@BlueDarkAurora This made me cry. Thank you so much for your kindness. ❤️❤️

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas <3 You're welcome :) I'll be keeping you in my thoughts<3

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

you are correct when talking to  yourself you are listening......change the conversation. 

Relationships either friendships/ love interests / even family relationships ..... people will let you down some accidentally.... some on purpose. everything good has risk involved of being hurt or disillusioned comes with the good stuff about relationships that can happen.  

when we cocoon ourselves to protect us from hurt ...nothing  good comes in.... we feel alone/ wonder why we do not have things we see around us like friends etc ......  a butterfly has  to wiggle and fight to try break free from the cocoon they do not wait for it to fall off or someone to come open it up for them....  

@toughTiger6481 I’m sorry for taking so long to reply. You are so right, good things don’t come without vulnerability. And I think it has been an issue with me accepting that all people will hurt me at some point. I don’t think I’ve been able to figure out what is an appropriate ratio of good to hurt. I seem magnetized to people who hurt more than help me. I’m also not sure how much of that is me being too sensitive. As soon as I make progress validating myself that it’s understandable to feel the way I do, the next minute someone else is telling me I’m too sensitive again and my mind gets all confused again. I try to toughen up, but the feelings never go away and I don’t know what to do with them. I must just see things a different way. I can’t seem to find middle ground.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

perhaps not magnetized but often those who are prone to hurt or repeatedly hurt.... come across very friendly and sort of used car salesman type instant buddies and shows so much interest....

I worked with one of these who asked all the best friend type questions immediately  hoping / digging for some dirt and then gossiped behind others backs.    so many time and time fell for this and then saw what she was too late.... i started watching closer and openly avoid those whom i see exhibit similar behaviors. 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas awww sweetie😥 my heart cries for you right now ❤ depression is such a hard thing to learn to live with and cope with. And feeling lonely is just a terrible thing. It seems you've built up a protective wall, I guess slowly we need to take those bricks down one by one. That happy little girl you used to be is still inside you, she's just sleeping, but she's still in you. I'm not great with advice on family/friendship/relationship stuff, cause I've never had any. But you are a great person, who I've come to love dearly. And I know you can get through this ❤ perhaps it's time to take chances get out there and mingle with people. Also finding the joy in the little things is key for happiness, just making time to do things  you like ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤

@Tinywhisper11 Thank you for being here, Lola. ❤️ I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to write back. 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You are a beautiful soul. I found the practice of meta meditation melted the inner conflict between self protection and the desire for connection with others. It sounds utterly hokey but it’s effects were anything but hokey. 

https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html

@PineTreeTree Pine ❤️ thank you. It doesn’t sound hokey at all. I have an app that I listen to meditations on, and I’ve listened to a few that I didn’t realize until now are meta meditations. I really like them. It’s like focusing intention on forgiveness, sometimes toward other people, sometimes ourselves. They are powerful words, like sending a deep heartfelt wish to someone.

I feel horrible that I haven’t responded to anyone yet. I’ve come on here a few times to do so, but I stare at the screen and can’t put the words together. I’m really grateful to everyone who’s replied here. You’re all so wonderful. I wasn’t expecting so much kindness.

I think part of me is afraid to talk to anyone very personally. I’ve been isolating more from people everywhere in my life. I feel like the thoughts I have, the feelings inside, the things I say are harmful. But I’ll read over what I say, and I don’t see it as bad. It’s always when I’m telling someone I’m sad. Then suddenly they’re mad. So I’m scared that I’m hurting people without realizing it.

I’m not sure why I’m writing here right now. I want to talk, but I also don’t. I thought I needed a spark, right now I don’t know. 

Today someone close to me told me that I made them do something they didn’t want to do. I was so shocked I didn’t argue and just went quiet. I can remember them mentioning this thing they wanted to pursue, me being unsure of what I thought but wanting to be supportive. I didn’t really say a lot about it, but I guess when they’d bring it up I’d say that I agreed with their stance. I never imagined they’d say it was my idea or I pushed for it. They never mentioned wanting to back out, or I would have supported that too. This person has been telling me a lot of things like this, such a different version of events than I remember. I can’t always remember everything I said, but I remember how I felt at the time. If I remember being unsure, then why would I pressure them? If I’m intimidated by them, why do they suddenly feel intimidated by me? I don’t understand why I have so many miscommunications with this person. I know some are inevitable, but it’s really like we’re speaking different languages. It’s making me feel more unsure of myself than ever. But I can’t help but wonder if they’re right and maybe this is why I have so many problems. Maybe I can’t trust myself. I was trying to learn how to. That scares me. It makes me scared to talk to them. It makes me scared not to, if they’re right about me. It makes me scared to make new friends. It makes me scared to interact with my kids. It makes me scared to write here. But I feel like I’m going to explode if I keep it all inside. I don’t know what to do to help myself. Can someone be a lost cause?

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas hi sweetie ❤ I'm not sure who this person is, but they seem to be suffering mentally to🙁 but you got to think of your health first, this person is making you second guess everything, in top of all your problems, you don't need that😥 you need to cut this person out of your life for now. You need to talk about this, it helps, it really does. I've been supporting someone on here for a few months now, he reminds me of you, all this you just wrote. So I'm here for you, you can talk to me ❤ tour kids love you, out of all the thoughts and feelings, please know that their on your side, don't be afraid to talk and play with them. I'm so sorry your struggling so bad😥 but it's gonna be ok, your gonna be ok ❤ I'm right here with you ❤holding your hand, when you need to squeeze and I'll be squeezing right back ❤hugs you tightly ❤ it's ok to show your vulnerable side, and it's ok to trust someone. ❤

Again tonight I feel the need to write, for someone to see what’s inside me. But I feel like I should disclose to the reader, please take whatever I say with a grain of salt. My mind is very messed up. I’m a bad person, wife, and mother. I’m worried that my words will influence anyone. Please don’t feel like you have to read further.

Today I learned that I embarrassed someone I care about. It’s not the first time someone has told me this. I am not smart about many social things. I don’t know my place. I opened my mouth and said something I preferred. I thought the person was being polite asking my preference. It seems they weren’t. Even after hearing this and replaying the situation in my mind, I’m still confused. I don’t understand. Which means I’ll do it again. It was the same type of thing that happened before, saying my preference and embarrassing someone else. I was supposed to do what everyone else wanted me to do. People say you’re supposed to speak up if you need something. So many articles are about assertiveness. But in reality people don’t really want you to. It just sounds nice to say. If you get your preference, then someone else might not get theirs. It’s as I learned long ago, that it’s always best to stay quiet and let others do what they want.

When we talk, I get nervous. My anxiety gets high, and I guess my voice gets a little higher and faster. This stresses him out, and he tells me I can’t talk to him unless I stay calm. I try so hard to stay calm, but then when I can tell he’s misunderstanding me or mad that I disappointed him, I start to panic, and the emotion comes back in. I don’t yell, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I’m talking and he suddenly starts telling me off. He won’t keep talking to me and walks away. If I keep talking to try to fix it he’ll shout or tell to shut my mouth. He tells me we shouldn’t have a relationship anymore. I told him tonight that I think he’s right, again. We’ve said this before. But I can never do it. I can always think of something good to make me stay. I don’t know why he doesn’t. His description of me, I don’t know why anyone would want someone like me.

I can’t believe how much I’ve messed up my life. I can’t believe what a disappointment I’ve turned out to be. I wish I could still believe that I’m good for my kids. I wish I would stop having thoughts that I wish something bad would happen to me. I’ll never do anything and leave my kids to deal with that. But one day they will realize how messed up I am and cut me off. 

I have a hard time imagining growing old with anyone. I’ll never get married again. That’s not something said in the moment. I’ve thought that every day for years. I pray that my kids and grandkids will visit. I thought perhaps I’ll make friends, but I’m not sure I can handle ruining another person’s life. I am bad for anyone I’m around. I don’t know what else to try to change. I’ve tried changing myself so much that I don’t know who I am or ever was. I’ve even tried discovering myself, but that person just lets people down. If I take care of myself, I’m letting someone down. I wish I knew what it would be like to have anyone do things for me, to want something from them, to feel disappointed by them.

I never thought I’d still be depressed at this age. I had so much hope once. I thought it’d all be different if I just left that house. Turns out it was just me, so it kept moving with me. 

If I go back to being alone, maybe I’ll finally be able to rest. Maybe I’ll start to have energy to clean properly and do projects again. It’s been so long, I can’t imagine being able to do any of that. 

The worst part is, I really have nothing to complain about. I am alive. I am relatively healthy. I have beautiful children. I have a good job. It’s my own fault I don’t have people. I try to have people, but either I pick the wrong ones or I’m too defective to have people. I’m pretty sure I deserve everything I’ve gotten, at least since I’ve been an adult. I’ve made so many bad choices, allowed so many things. I can’t even think about it.

I don’t understand why things are this way.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It sounds like you were dealing with a very controlling person. A person who gaslights us can have us going around in circles till our steering wheel falls off. It sounds like maybe you’re being overly hard on yourself. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Maybe they can give some clarity and or closure on the past and help you figure out how to navigate your future. 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas wraps you up in a cosy blanket and hugs you tightly ❤❤ you are in a abusive relationship🙁 you need to leave for hours and your kids sake. You are a good mother, your kids will always be by your side🙂❤ you are hurt and confused because this man, is abusive🙁 I understand that your feeling stuck, and you have a fear inside you. I pray you will find the strength to leave this man

@Tinywhisper11 @PineTreeTree

I hope it doesn’t come across sounding disrespectful, but I was wondering how you know he is controlling/abusive. I think these things all the time too. But then when things calm down and I’m not bothering him anymore, he’ll say some of the nicest things I’ve ever heard. They sound really genuine. They aren’t generic platitudes but really deep and thought out. I know abuse works like that too, honeymoon periods. He’s never hit me. But I admit I’m still scared of him because I’ve seen him be violent in a number of other ways. He doesn’t understand why I’m scared of him and is annoyed by it. He thinks he’s a really good person, a servant to others. I’ve been in a lot of other bad situations, at least I think were bad. So wondered if I’m just too sensitive. Or did I allow another bad person in. Or maybe those situations weren’t bad either. I can never really decide. Though i have therapists’ confirmations and diagnoses in other situations, and they can’t be wrong too. It is really hard to figure out if something is emotional abuse. I’m not the only person in his life who has problems with him. His family talks about his anger, ego, control. He doesn’t believe anyone. He’s been in and out of relationships, but it was mostly him wanting to leave them, they kept trying to get him back. His daughters think he’s a narcissist. I’ve had many thoughts. But then, he does all these nice things for other people outside our house, spends so much energy time and money. I always thought that was good evidence that I must be wrong. Everyone loves him and tells me how wonderful he is, how lucky I am. He says some things he loves about me, but then in a fight he’ll take them all back. Or just by his actions I know he doesn’t really feel that way. When he’s happy he’ll tell me I’m the best mom he’s ever known, but when he gets mad at the kids for making a mistake he’ll say how horribly I’ve raised them. I’ve told him how confused and depressed I am. After he’s calmed down he’ll listen, then just tell me he’s a bad person or I should leave him or something. We never really get to the root of anything. I’ll suggest ways to compromise, but he doesn’t like them. 

Sorry for rambling. I feel like relationships aren’t supposed to be this complicated. I’ve been told it’s me so many times by people that it’s hard for me to not think so. I don’t want to feel like I’m just blaming everyone else.

I was in therapy for years, before I met him. I was doing pretty well with it, and the last one told me we went about as far as we could. She thought I was doing great. Then I met him and fell back into old patterns and feelings. I remember the skills she taught me, they just don’t work the same for me right now. I think they work better when I’m alone.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas people who are controlling/abusive. They say nice things after to keep you reigned in so you believe they are right and your the one who's messed up🙁 it's not fair, I'm sorry you don't have any family to turn to either😥 but maybe leaving with your kids, will be best for you all ❤ it takes a very strong person to leave a abusive relationship, a either stronger one to do what's best for your kids. You are strong I know you can do this ❤❤hugs you tightly, sometimes taking a break from relationships, will put your life into perspective a bit more. Hugs you tightly ❤❤❤

@Tinywhisper11 hugging you back. Thank you for being here for me. ❤️ Have you been feeling ok lately? You’re in my thoughts often.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Can you Google some YouTube videos about narcissism? He sounds like a narcissist and you sound like you are reacting exactly like an abused person - confused and trying to justify that he is a good person and wondering if it’s your fault. You may want to see a therapist at this time so you can check whether they think you’re in an abusive relationship and get clarity on how you might deal with it. 

@PineTreeTree I think you’re right. This isn’t my first experience with NPD. One of my last relationships the guy was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I think they’re drawn to my empathy. My mom taught me to be a great listener. I even wondered if he was at the beginning but thought I was being paranoid. And I was lonely after being single for a while. His family gave me warnings, but everyone else couldn’t sing his praises loud enough. My previous experiences were with more covert narcissists. He’s more of an aggressive one. It threw me off balance. I just thought he was a strong confident charismatic guy. I thought I needed that. I honestly do love and care about him a lot, what he’s been through. At times it seemed like he was open to listening. But I guess sometimes love isn’t enough.

I made a discovery by accident, that has brought some light to my confusion. 

I’m just going to elaborate on what happened yesterday. The fight started because I’ve been distant from him and he asked me what was wrong. But as usual he didn’t like the answer. Like I said yesterday, I started off nervous and slow. I think he asks knowing what the problem is already, being annoyed about it, and waiting for my to say it so he can have an opportunity to unleash on all the ways I disappoint him instead. It was mostly about how I didn’t ask his permission to give my child a different kind of candy than the one he offered. I told my child yes when asked, then my husband said no and that the child should be grateful for what he offered. Most of our fights start about something very stupid like that. We have different views about roles of men and women. He is very adamant about his authority, even in a complicated blended family situation. I’m also sensitive to my kids respecting him, but I guess I feel he demands an excessive amount of control. I don’t feel respected, like a partner, or like I even matter for more than what purpose I serve for him.

Anyway, another part of the fight that I eluded to yesterday included telling me that I was disrespectful to a neighbor when we went out to breakfast. He invited us as a thankyou because we have been doing things for him. We were going to sit down, the neighbor let me go in first and I headed to the corner seat I was most comfortable with. The neighbor said he would sit in the corner if I liked. I thought he was being polite, as most people would not want to be crammed in the corner. I thought I was also being polite by taking that corner as the smaller person, and saying “Oh it’s no problem, I like the corner.” As we sat down my husband said in a low warning tone, “But I think he wanted the corner.” I didn’t know what to do, so I just sat there nervous. After a few minutes, my husband commented how much the air conditioning was blowing in the corner, and said that to make me more comfortable the neighbor and I should switch seats. My gut thought that this was his way of manipulating the situation. He’s a quick thinker and does things like that in a slick way to seem kind when he wants something a certain way. I noticed his energy was weird, like a strong loud voice, and telling me not asking me. I did as I was told and said nothing. He told me later that this embarrassed him and was disrespectful to his friend. I had thoughts about chivalry and putting me first, because he knows that I feel more comfortable facing out in a restaurant rather than having my back facing a bunch of people, but I said nothing. We’ve had that conversation before. He sends me songs with lyrics about feeling bad that he always puts me last after other people, but then he does it again as soon as a new situation presents itself. He needs to feel admired and praised for his generosity, or he gets in a bad mood. I listened to him and in my depressed frame of mind decided this must be yet another situation where I’m clueless about social rules, and I should have known better.

I had horrible sleep last night and had several nightmares involving him. I woke up around 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep.

This morning, the neighbor came over. We have been giving him water for laundry and showering the last couple months while his house is not set up for it yet. I decided to clear my conscience to apologize to the neighbor. He immediately told me not to worry, that he was only offering to take the corner out of politeness to me, as I originally thought. It was a quick exchange. Then my husband decided to step in and start adding how he and I talked about it last night and lied that he told me not to worry too much about it. He went on about how he asked us to switch seats out of comfort for me and maybe made the situation uncomfortable. This made me think that he really did make us switch seats on purpose to appease the neighbor, not for my comfort. So he made it seem like it was all me being too sensitive and him thinking of me. The neighbor left, we came inside, and he hasn’t said another thing about it. I was actually afraid he’d go off on me again for bringing it up to the neighbor. I guess he was happy that I apologized and he had a chance to clear himself of guilt as well. He’s been in a great mood singing and talking to me. I’m mostly keeping to myself. As of last night we were supposed to be splitting up again, so I really don’t know what’s going on. I’m in observation mode until I feel safe to do anything. What I do know is that there’s not going to be the usual ticking everything under the rug and him coming over for a hug and kiss to get my permission that everything’s fine. Which probably means there will be another fight soon. He doesn’t like when I can’t fake it and make everything ok.

This is a minor situation, but it was very telling for me. It’s not the first time I’ve heard him lie, but I was always able to justify why he exaggerated the truth before. I still understand now that he did it to save face again, but it’s the first time I heard him clearly lie about me in a way that I can’t talk myself out of. I can’t see how he can even convince himself that anything he said last night was to tell me not to worry about the seat with the neighbor. I kind of feel like he does convince himself though somehow. He regularly tells me alternative perspectives that seem too far off to me.

In writing about this today because it’s significant to me, it shows me that I’m not as socially inept as I’m led to believe, that my intuitions are often correct. I’ve had evidence of that before, but he’s had a way of making me doubt myself more than ever before.

I’m not a bad person. I’m not at a place of blaming him for everything either. But I can see we are definitely in a very unhealthy relationship.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

It is enlightening when we see them lie and change a story to save face...... you got a good look at how phony he looks..... 

as for your kids and him remember Respect is earned NOT demanded. your continuing dreams/ sleep are telling you that you need change.... No it is not all his fault it is our reactions and enabling of the behavior that allowed it to grow to the problem it is. 

@toughTiger6481 Thank you so much for being here and your support. I completely agree with what you’ve said. I think part of the reason he liked me so much and doesn’t want to leave is he knows how I am and how he can get what he wants. This is why he says I’m so different than everyone and the love of his life and the “perfect” woman when he’s in a good mood. I don’t like hearing that anymore, because he can’t possibly think that for real with the other things he says about me. I know people say things they don’t mean. But if one says the same deep personality flaws every fight, I figure that must be how they really feel. I don’t know. I have a thick filter so I don’t really regret things I finally do say.

Anyway, I am thinking about respect. I wonder if me being so weak on boundaries means that I haven’t really earned respect either. I feel like we should both naturally want to give each other respect. I feel like I’m a pretty good woman in that way of honoring and appreciating him without demanding more. I’ll have to think on this more.

I hope you are well. ❤️