I need a spark.

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas It does feel good to write things down ^^ I really like that through your pain and struggle you've learned so much about yourself and the world.

I believe relationships are based on the willingness of the people involved to understand each other. So many minds with so many thoughts and so many rights & wrongs ^^ so I guess there are always new rules to learn and understand when it comes to people and our relation with them. 

Time has made you wiser to people and situations but unfortunately that knowing comes with added fears and trust issues. Sometimes it's the other person we don't trust and sometimes it's our own self, maybe we can start by learning to forgive ourself for the past mistakes and putting a little more trust in us<3 

You've already done so much work on yourself and are trying to find things to bring back the spark so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before you find it :)

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

you are correct when talking to  yourself you are listening......change the conversation. 

Relationships either friendships/ love interests / even family relationships ..... people will let you down some accidentally.... some on purpose. everything good has risk involved of being hurt or disillusioned comes with the good stuff about relationships that can happen.  

when we cocoon ourselves to protect us from hurt ...nothing  good comes in.... we feel alone/ wonder why we do not have things we see around us like friends etc ......  a butterfly has  to wiggle and fight to try break free from the cocoon they do not wait for it to fall off or someone to come open it up for them....  

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas awww sweetie😥 my heart cries for you right now ❤ depression is such a hard thing to learn to live with and cope with. And feeling lonely is just a terrible thing. It seems you've built up a protective wall, I guess slowly we need to take those bricks down one by one. That happy little girl you used to be is still inside you, she's just sleeping, but she's still in you. I'm not great with advice on family/friendship/relationship stuff, cause I've never had any. But you are a great person, who I've come to love dearly. And I know you can get through this ❤ perhaps it's time to take chances get out there and mingle with people. Also finding the joy in the little things is key for happiness, just making time to do things  you like ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas You are a beautiful soul. I found the practice of meta meditation melted the inner conflict between self protection and the desire for connection with others. It sounds utterly hokey but it’s effects were anything but hokey. 

https://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html

I feel horrible that I haven’t responded to anyone yet. I’ve come on here a few times to do so, but I stare at the screen and can’t put the words together. I’m really grateful to everyone who’s replied here. You’re all so wonderful. I wasn’t expecting so much kindness.

I think part of me is afraid to talk to anyone very personally. I’ve been isolating more from people everywhere in my life. I feel like the thoughts I have, the feelings inside, the things I say are harmful. But I’ll read over what I say, and I don’t see it as bad. It’s always when I’m telling someone I’m sad. Then suddenly they’re mad. So I’m scared that I’m hurting people without realizing it.

I’m not sure why I’m writing here right now. I want to talk, but I also don’t. I thought I needed a spark, right now I don’t know. 

Today someone close to me told me that I made them do something they didn’t want to do. I was so shocked I didn’t argue and just went quiet. I can remember them mentioning this thing they wanted to pursue, me being unsure of what I thought but wanting to be supportive. I didn’t really say a lot about it, but I guess when they’d bring it up I’d say that I agreed with their stance. I never imagined they’d say it was my idea or I pushed for it. They never mentioned wanting to back out, or I would have supported that too. This person has been telling me a lot of things like this, such a different version of events than I remember. I can’t always remember everything I said, but I remember how I felt at the time. If I remember being unsure, then why would I pressure them? If I’m intimidated by them, why do they suddenly feel intimidated by me? I don’t understand why I have so many miscommunications with this person. I know some are inevitable, but it’s really like we’re speaking different languages. It’s making me feel more unsure of myself than ever. But I can’t help but wonder if they’re right and maybe this is why I have so many problems. Maybe I can’t trust myself. I was trying to learn how to. That scares me. It makes me scared to talk to them. It makes me scared not to, if they’re right about me. It makes me scared to make new friends. It makes me scared to interact with my kids. It makes me scared to write here. But I feel like I’m going to explode if I keep it all inside. I don’t know what to do to help myself. Can someone be a lost cause?

I made a discovery by accident, that has brought some light to my confusion. 

I’m just going to elaborate on what happened yesterday. The fight started because I’ve been distant from him and he asked me what was wrong. But as usual he didn’t like the answer. Like I said yesterday, I started off nervous and slow. I think he asks knowing what the problem is already, being annoyed about it, and waiting for my to say it so he can have an opportunity to unleash on all the ways I disappoint him instead. It was mostly about how I didn’t ask his permission to give my child a different kind of candy than the one he offered. I told my child yes when asked, then my husband said no and that the child should be grateful for what he offered. Most of our fights start about something very stupid like that. We have different views about roles of men and women. He is very adamant about his authority, even in a complicated blended family situation. I’m also sensitive to my kids respecting him, but I guess I feel he demands an excessive amount of control. I don’t feel respected, like a partner, or like I even matter for more than what purpose I serve for him.

Anyway, another part of the fight that I eluded to yesterday included telling me that I was disrespectful to a neighbor when we went out to breakfast. He invited us as a thankyou because we have been doing things for him. We were going to sit down, the neighbor let me go in first and I headed to the corner seat I was most comfortable with. The neighbor said he would sit in the corner if I liked. I thought he was being polite, as most people would not want to be crammed in the corner. I thought I was also being polite by taking that corner as the smaller person, and saying “Oh it’s no problem, I like the corner.” As we sat down my husband said in a low warning tone, “But I think he wanted the corner.” I didn’t know what to do, so I just sat there nervous. After a few minutes, my husband commented how much the air conditioning was blowing in the corner, and said that to make me more comfortable the neighbor and I should switch seats. My gut thought that this was his way of manipulating the situation. He’s a quick thinker and does things like that in a slick way to seem kind when he wants something a certain way. I noticed his energy was weird, like a strong loud voice, and telling me not asking me. I did as I was told and said nothing. He told me later that this embarrassed him and was disrespectful to his friend. I had thoughts about chivalry and putting me first, because he knows that I feel more comfortable facing out in a restaurant rather than having my back facing a bunch of people, but I said nothing. We’ve had that conversation before. He sends me songs with lyrics about feeling bad that he always puts me last after other people, but then he does it again as soon as a new situation presents itself. He needs to feel admired and praised for his generosity, or he gets in a bad mood. I listened to him and in my depressed frame of mind decided this must be yet another situation where I’m clueless about social rules, and I should have known better.

I had horrible sleep last night and had several nightmares involving him. I woke up around 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep.

This morning, the neighbor came over. We have been giving him water for laundry and showering the last couple months while his house is not set up for it yet. I decided to clear my conscience to apologize to the neighbor. He immediately told me not to worry, that he was only offering to take the corner out of politeness to me, as I originally thought. It was a quick exchange. Then my husband decided to step in and start adding how he and I talked about it last night and lied that he told me not to worry too much about it. He went on about how he asked us to switch seats out of comfort for me and maybe made the situation uncomfortable. This made me think that he really did make us switch seats on purpose to appease the neighbor, not for my comfort. So he made it seem like it was all me being too sensitive and him thinking of me. The neighbor left, we came inside, and he hasn’t said another thing about it. I was actually afraid he’d go off on me again for bringing it up to the neighbor. I guess he was happy that I apologized and he had a chance to clear himself of guilt as well. He’s been in a great mood singing and talking to me. I’m mostly keeping to myself. As of last night we were supposed to be splitting up again, so I really don’t know what’s going on. I’m in observation mode until I feel safe to do anything. What I do know is that there’s not going to be the usual ticking everything under the rug and him coming over for a hug and kiss to get my permission that everything’s fine. Which probably means there will be another fight soon. He doesn’t like when I can’t fake it and make everything ok.

This is a minor situation, but it was very telling for me. It’s not the first time I’ve heard him lie, but I was always able to justify why he exaggerated the truth before. I still understand now that he did it to save face again, but it’s the first time I heard him clearly lie about me in a way that I can’t talk myself out of. I can’t see how he can even convince himself that anything he said last night was to tell me not to worry about the seat with the neighbor. I kind of feel like he does convince himself though somehow. He regularly tells me alternative perspectives that seem too far off to me.

In writing about this today because it’s significant to me, it shows me that I’m not as socially inept as I’m led to believe, that my intuitions are often correct. I’ve had evidence of that before, but he’s had a way of making me doubt myself more than ever before.

I’m not a bad person. I’m not at a place of blaming him for everything either. But I can see we are definitely in a very unhealthy relationship.

[This is a long unedited unfiltered nonsensical thought dump trying to work through some things. I’m sorry for the negativity.]

Deep breath.

I love you. But I don’t like you. How does that make so much sense, but feel so wrong? I see the boy you once were. I see how you were wronged. I see how things could have been for you. I want to nurture you and love you. I respect many of the things you do and want to see them all in the best light. I want to love all the anger out of you. 

I hate how you treat me. I hate how you treat my kids. I hate how everyone else comes first, but if I reveal those feelings you just get more angry at me. I hate how everyone tells me how lucky I am and how wonderful you are, how all these other women want you, and how even you say that it’s because they don’t have to live with you. I hate how you send me songs about how bad you feel but then the next time you’re still hurting me the same way. I hate how talking never makes anything better. I hate how you ask me my opinion but don’t really want it, you just want me to agree with you. I hate how you get angry when I am quiet. I try so hard. I try to be quiet and self-controlled. I don’t want to be rude or make you mad. If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all, right? I used to want to tell you how I feel. I don’t anymore. It’s become easier to control myself when I know my thoughts aren’t valued. I hide myself like I did as a child and spent so much time learning not to do. I’m unlearning what I unlearned.

Words can’t describe how lost I am. I’ve felt lost my whole life, but this is a new level I never thought possible. I’m losing it. When they said rock bottom has a basement, I thought it was a relatable idea, but I had no clue then. 

This isn’t depressed. That was depressed. That was anxious. This is dizzying confusion. My moods change suddenly. I might be depressed, then suddenly I don’t know what I’m upset about and I think everything must be fine. I’m convinced I’m the problem. Then next moment I’m frightened and want to get away from you. I fantasize about leaving, I plan and look for rentals. Then I just stop. I send you a nice message. You send a nice one back. And we go back to the status quo. I still feel scared, mixed with love, mixed with preparation, mixed with nothing.

Do I want to be with you? Would I if not for this or that? I don’t know. I don’t know. Some days I’ve been ready to walk. Some days I despise you. Do the kids really want to be around you, or is it a trauma bond too? You make them cry, make them jump, make them say bad things about themselves, then you do something nice and they come over and hug you. Would I have left if you hadn’t taken all my savings without my permission? Am I hoping that your investments will finally come back so that I can get my part back to take care of myself with? But why would I put myself and my kids through this for money? You probably wouldn’t repay it anyway, just tell me again how you’re the man and get to decide everything. I’ve been poor, I made it, I can do it again. Is it just that I can’t take any more regret knowing that I asked you not to take my money, and you did anyway, and I did nothing about it but whine? I did nothing, like I always do. I show you that it’s ok to treat me that way. I ask you not to call me that name, if you do that one more time, but I never leave. You know it. That’s why you stay with me and didn’t stay with the others. I make you mad, but in the end I’m weak and controllable and you get everything you want. 

But.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you do love me. Maybe it’s all in my mind. Maybe I just like to fight and be upset like you said. I can’t ever let anything go, I’m sad all the time, I don’t go along with whatever you want.

I think things are good and I’m doing fine, then you do something that knocks me back down. But I don’t know if I’m ever really fine. Even when I look at you and try to be in love and think I love you, I always sense that I’m scared of you. I look at your face and am scared of your eyes. They change. They get black and empty. That stare. I hate when you shave your beard, and I don’t know why. But you look meaner. That’s how you looked when we first met, and I should like that better, but I don’t. I don’t remember ever feeling comfortable around you. Why in the world did I keep dating you? In the first few weeks of talking, I told you I wanted to break things off because you were freaking me out. But then you show your other side, and it seems so great.

Whenever a man showed interest in me, for some reason I felt like I can’t say no. I’ve always been so lonely and searching, I hungered for the feeling of being wanted by someone. Emotionally. The things you said, they all say, they make you feel like you’re different and special. They make you feel like they really like who you are deep down, like they see inside your soul.

They don’t. No one ever has. No one ever will. Only God. Please God be real. You’re all I have for comforting. You’re what I’m telling my children to build trust in. Please be real. Please give them a good life. I worry that they won’t have a good life because I’m trying to teach them to be good people. Good people don’t seem to have good lives. I’m so afraid for them. My heart can’t handle them having depression. I don’t want them to feel lonely. I can only hope they’ll be fine if I can help them learn from my mistakes. I believe if I followed your Word and stayed strong around other people, I might have been ok.  There would have been hurt, but I would have made better choices and not had that kind of regret. I believe you’ve forgiven me in Heaven, but I don’t know how to forgive myself here on Earth with the worldly ramifications I must forever live with. I failed you. I failed them. I failed myself. I can’t let it go. My mind runs over and over. I talk to myself, I tell myself good things. But it doesn’t stick. As soon as I see how I’ve hurt someone, especially if I see how my kids problems are a product of my decisions, the long lasting effects of my errors, I fall apart.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I can remember longing for love. That is gone now. I don’t want a spark. I can’t imagine being happy now. I can’t envision things improving. There is nowhere to go. If I leave this relationship, I will be alone. I will never pursue another. I do not want friendships with anyone who has the potential to have any kind of control over me. I can only pray I’ll have my kids. I don’t need support. I just want to be able to watch them live and grow. That’s my hope left. My life is decided. Theirs is where my light is.

I never could have imagined hating myself more than I did then. Sadly, I don’t think I really even did hate myself then. I saw people’s callousness as my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong back then. But now, it’s all me. If only I knew then.

I really did think I was doing the right things. I want to be nice to myself about it. But what does it matter what my intentions were if I’ve done so much damage? I used to get through by seeing the positives, thinking they were signs that maybe I was on the right track after all and God was working. God does His part, but He needs us to do things too.

But, I’m ok. I really am. Things are going to be fine. My life isn’t that bad. There are good things. If I can stop thinking, I’ll be fine.

My thought train was lost somewhere at the last station. Now that I’ve vented, I feel guilty. You’re coming home soon, and even though we fought again, I feel myself laying down and just wanting to get along with you. I don’t have the energy to leave or think about what’s best for me or care. I need God to tell me what’s right, and He just won’t, or I’m not getting it. He knows how messy my mind is, He knows I can’t do it without Him. I feel like He’s leaving it to me to deal with, and I sit and watch more and more happen, wondering what is real.