Life is Hard

Things have been hard. I recently realized that my emotion spectrum feels like a pole and I can’t climb up it, so I’m always stuck in the sad or angry or numb emotions. Sometimes a feel like a fake happiness, as if I’m jumping, but it doesn’t really feel like happiness and goes away too quickly. In my life outside of 7cups I only have one true friend that I can talk to about anything. Even my parents. My best friend for six years is not a true friend because I always feel uncomfortable talking to her, same with my dad. My mom believes all the myths about everything, and believes going to a counselor is pointless even when I got a score of 17/27 on the screening, and she is rarely understanding and usually reacts. Then she tells me “the doctor was basically telling me I don’t know my own daughter. As if!” But she doesn’t know me. At all. Most of my friends make me feel awful about themselves. They love to tease me, but they do it so much that it starts to hurt, and I don’t want to point it out because I don’t want to lose friendships when friendship is so hard for me to attain. I don’t point anything out to my mom either because again, she reacts, and she hates being told she’s wrong or that she shouldn’t have done that or whatever. They’re great parents, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes they can be smothering and not understanding. School is going to start in less than a month and having only been knowingly dealing with depression since April I can’t decide whether school or summer break is harder. I currently have a goal to not get irritated at anyone but it’s hard when that’s one of the few emotions I can even feel anymore. I do have the consolation of my one true friend, and he struggles with social anxiety like me. Both of us are also friends with another guy who I’m pretty sure has depression and social anxiety like me. Maybe I’ll get to talk to him more if the three of us become study buddies for math class…