I'm so depressed that I envy the dead
I've been in physical, emotional, and mental pain my entire life. And on a daily basis everyone around me reminds of how useless I am. Many good people that have entered my life have died of cancer. And they were loved, they had families, and they died fighting for every last second of life. So of course they are remembered as heroes and angels. And they were surrounded by so much love and peace. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I WANT THAT. I want to die a hero. I want loved ones. I want peace. I want to switch places with someone that wants to live so that I can be released from this horrible place. I mean nothing, I have no one, I should never have been born.
I want to die sometimes it's all I think about but I don't want to be remembered as a useless suicide. Since I was nothing in life I want to BE someone in death. I'm a 3x cancer survivor but every day I pray my cancer will return. I pray for the end of watching my friends die while I just sit here.
YES I REALLY DO ENVY THE DEAD. How sick is that? This is the first time I've ever opened up about how bad my depression is. Sorry for the rant
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and have been carrying these feelings around for quite some time. Sounds like a very heavy burden to carry for so long.
I hear you, and I am glad you chose to open up here, and share about how you are feeling, and some of what you have faced in your life so far.
You are brave to open up and I admire your being open and sharing. You deserve amazing support, and I hope 7 Cups will be an integral part of the support you deserve, as you move forward. This community is here for you, and we are glad you are a part of this community. You are wanted here at 7 Cups, and we want the best for you.
Your desire to feel loved and at peace, what ways would you like to try to have those feelings here, as you move forward in life? And I wonder if you would like to share more of your story and feelings here with us, or connect with a listener here 1-on-1?
I hope you feel better soon, and by the way, I think you are a hero, for being brave enough to share your true feelings here, and to keep on keeping on, to move forward through the pain...it will pass, and good days will come your way. We are here for you as you move forward, and please, take good care of you...you matter, and you deserve to be happy and healthy.
@Lilylistens and to answer your question about sharing more of my story I wouldn't mind at all finally getting it all out but like most people it's a long and ulgy story I don't even have a computer I'm doing this on my phone so it would take hours to even begin it maybe someday if I'm inspired or in desperate need I will sit here and do it and as for the love I'm looking for I've only been loved by my mother (Irene) and in 2003 after watching her slip away from me and abused in a nursing home from dementia I had to make the decision to pull the plug so she would be free before that and after that I've been abused by everyone that's entered my life including at work I've only know emptiness and pain no support no love no one that cares if I'm here or not
That's why you reaching out to me has meant so much thank you
@endofaugust2015
I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through, in losing your mother, and circumstances and decisions surrounding that that you faced. My heart really goes out to you.
Sounds like losing your mother has really impacted you, and that makes a lot of sense to me, as you shared that you feel she is the only person that has ever loved you. I am so sorry you are hurting like this, and I am glad that you have found 7 Cups to be supportive of you as you move forward. Take care, and know that 7 Cups is here and this community cares about you and is here for you.
@Lilylistens again thank you I really did effect me I have no regrets about the decision I made to let her go but as I said that is just the tip of the iceberg for my long story of pain, abuse, mental and physical pain that I've had to endure alone I'm so sorry I've taken up so much of your time but just being here for me has made a difference maybe I can sleep tonight without all the nightmares 7 cups and you have really given me a different way to look at life but more importantly I'm OK and I'm not alone anymore ☺
@endofaugust2015
Thank you for your willingness to open up and share.
I am so glad you have found support here at 7 Cups. You deserve the best support possible for yourself as you move forward. Take care.
@Lilylistens thank you so much for your response. For the first time in my life I finally feel like I belong somewhere and that people truly care. YOU ARE NOW MY HERO 😇
@endofaugust2015
I am so glad you feel like you belong somewhere, and that people truly care. 
You are amazing, and strong, and please don't forget that you are not alone as you keep moving forward: we are here for you, and we truly care about you.
@Lilylistens this place and people like you are the only reason why I'm still alive thank you Lilly and 7 cups please keep in touch when possible I need someone in my life like you 😀
@endofaugust2015
I am so glad you are here with us.
I am also glad we can connect here, and that this supportive and caring community is here, and that we can each be a part of it.
If you would like to send me a message (PM) here, please do so.
Take care. You are so worth it!