Depression made me bitter
It’s been so long since I last experienced genuine happiness...the best I can feel is numbness. I feel like my life is falling apart, I have multitudes of worries every day, and I can’t even remember when the last time something good happened to me was.
And I’ve begun to realize that this has made me a bitter, jealous person. I really can no longer stand seeing other people’s happiness...it hurts because I want to be like them, but I can’t and have never been so in seven years. I’m seeing the people I know hanging out and having fun, winning competitions, getting into their dream universities, while I’m crumbling and getting more emotionally wrecked with each passing day.
I’m aware that everyone has their share of struggles and I feel terrible for being irrationally upset at other people’s joys. Although I’ve never and would never vent my anger to anyone about this, I still feel it’s so unfair. I’m unattractive, a poor student, unsociable, helpless and hopeless and top of all extremely depressed...it feels so unfair that I suffer so much. It’s not like I wish others would suffer like me, instead I wish *I could not suffer so much like them.*
One example of this is when I see someone is happily in therapy and medication. This is a wonderful thing but as much as I try to be happy for them, I only end up get sad for myself, because I’m unable to get my mental illnesses treated and medicated due to various reasons.
You can think of me as a terrible person for this or tell me that I’m one and I won’t be angry because you’re right. But I really want to be able to get over this bitterness too. Does anyone know how? It feels impossible to have a positive outlook in a life like this anymore, but I want to know if there’s a way to stop being so bitter, even if for just a little bit.
Sounds like me honestly also some times I question my existence and will anything I do be worth it
And what gets to me is that I could outlive my mom and I just can't I dont want to be alone in this word I just dont know
Sorry I got a bit emotional hope u get better and find happiness
Hi, @Unknown187777 it’s alright don’t worry about getting emotional. We are here to support each other. I relate to you so much as well...I’m getting existential crises every so often and think too much if I’m on the right track. I feel like I’m too aware of how fragile life is. I’m also with you about outliving the people I love, the thought is really scary and lonely :c
@Hydrangea03 I know this doesn't help answer your question of how to feel better, but I wanted to say that I feel the same way. I hope you do find some happiness - maybe through the support on this website.
Thank you, @quietpanda6406, and I’m sorry that you feel this way too...I’m not sure if finding happiness is still probable for me, but I can only hope. You deserve the best.
@Hydrangea03 Thank you for your kind message! I can see you are a good and loving person, who deserves love and happiness.
I don't know if DM's are a thing here (very new member) but I am here if you need to talk to someone. I hope you are having a good day!