Depression/Self-hatred keeping me lonely
I am a 21yr old male who works part-time and lives with his parent. For quite some time I have been in a on and off depressed state, but now I can say that I am normally depressed. And why I mention self-hatred is because I often speak alloud to myself and mentioned today that I just want people to hate me as much as I hate myself, but I can't give this to myself because by no means do I ever really want to make someone else feel bad--there is too much sh*t in this world already. So I am stuck in this cycle of anger and sadness when I am not busy doing something. I do try to keep busy, I work out in the morning, make a list of things I want done for the day and normally i'll meet these tasks but after I am left to myself, a dark self.
I am new to this site so idk if this is too long but I want to continue.
Ever since I was a small boy my timidness was very apperent, I didn't like leaving the house and would take a very long time to warm-up to people, which made and makes finding friends very difficult. While I was young (~9) I did a horrible thing so a sibling, something that is all too easy to remember. When I reached my freshman year of high school my mother died from cancer, and now I can say that she is the only person I ever truly loved (I again can recall this memory of my mother just a few hours before passing all too easy, she was so doped up on medicine she couldn't formulate any sentences or recognizable words, I told her bye and she slightly raised her to me to mumble something and I lost it.) My father is an alcoholic, always has been and now I don't know why he would ever stop. I just outlined the most devestating sh*t in my life, the main events, but I will have you know that I/we are not poor and never been, and my father isn't and obvious alcoholic--just when he does not work. My looks are not bad, I dress well and own a nice car, but this all ties into the heart-breaking truth that I am terrible around girls despite a good amount of interest in me.
I believe that depression/self-hatred is helping me isolate myself beyond shyness, I can hardly speak to others sometimes and I find it really difficult to open myself up to girls. I don't want to be alone but sometimes it just feels all too easy to let the uncomfortable moment pass just to suffer later. Never have I ever had a girlfriend, and even with my close friends i like to keep a good level of secercy, but now I just long for a person who I can even remotely understand what i am going through.
@IsolatedRomantic
My father died when I was very young, and so I can understand the grief one can have with a parent passing away during growing up. Heavy drinkers can be difficult to understand, but the heavy drinking is likely covering something up such as depression or anxiety. Your father lost his wife slowly just a few years back. That's still got to be hurting him. Other than the alcohol, you might have a secret depression and isolation in common with your father. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I never understood naturally joyous people, and I think some people are just born with glands that produce more neurotransmitters. Sadly, the truth is that depression and anxiety can be hereditary. You're honest with yourself, and you have some pride in your appearance (e.g. car). There's no sin in taking a little time to sort things out before getting into a relationship (especially at 21). I'll be 47 this year. It's better to know yourself better before getting into a relationship and married than to go with emotional baggage. I've learned that mistake by experience.
Thank you, I apperciate the words of advice. I just often worry because everyone around my age has had a gf or two before and makes me feel--foreign. People ask about any past relationships and I worry that if I said I had never had one before they might think i'm crazy, crazy in a psychotic way yeah know. This made me often lie about relationships (make up stories) but now I avoid lying and rather stretch truths since its easier.
Also I totally understand the father-son depression thing, I am pretty positive he has depression or anxiety as well but he has always been a drinker and I feel like I don't have what it takes to try to help him and some part of me truly resents him for being--weak, just like me. I always thought this man should be the strong and as I grew I realize how much of an a-hole he really is. During me teenage years I would fight with him regularly and once we physically fought, my sister seen us fight, she got mad we wreaked the living room and I had just escaped a head lock, I looked to her with digust--I love my sister but her i want to do without as well. Every weekend for my entire life I had to act like stupid fights didn't exist, the mean or stupid things he did were just forgotten by the monday. Now that I am thinking about it that may have began my current self, a colder calm self.
@Darkseed
It might be a good idea to focus on good stable friendships first before trying to get involved in a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships tend to be unstable based on their emotional nature and if they turn out wrong, they could cause you to spiral into worse depression.
Just my 2 cents. 🙂
@IsolatedRomantic
I completely understand when you mention negative self-talk. This is a problem I've had for years, accusing myself of cruel and destructive things that no one else would really think or say about me. Mostly the talk is internal, but when I'm alone I often abuse myself out loud. To avoid this, I try to fill times of isolation with music/tv shows/movies. But distraction often doesn't work very well. It is a hard thing when your biggest critic is inside your head. But I try to remind myself that no objective person would agree with this internal abuse. I am so much harder on myself than anyone else would be. Tallking to a therapist has helped a bit. And there are OCD meds that have also provided some relief.
Yeah I consider maybe seeing a professional but idk how that works nor do I want to spend money--I plan on moving in the future so I try to save most of my income rn. I don't want to tell my father or anyone I know that i am depressed because i dont like putting my business out there, i may be a little afraid they think I want attention (which i kind of doubt), and I don't want them to worry or look at me differently. That said I don't think I could be more obvioisly depressed if someone really paid attention; I don't have many friends and I dont see the friends I do have often, I am not social, and I tend to joke about edgy topics like death a lot. Maybe its obvious to me and some subconcious cry for help but I don't like depending on others--I don't think they can help me because everyone is a little screwed up.
I would often smoke cannibis, legal in my state, to get over the down times and it worked until I had to smoke all the time. After a while I had to stop because i would spend a lot of money and most of my time was either waiting to smoke or smoking.
@DeterminedLunch3825
