Being there for someone with Depression...any help welcome

I forgot to also mention, he has a very hard time ironing up , and tried to push me away several times when trying to open up, oout of fear he'll hurt and burden me....

@niceScarf143

@niceScarf143. This is my husband

*hugs*....at least we're not alone in this. Sending out thoughts and positive vibes to you as well.

Hey,

your friend seems to be a lot like me especially with pushing away everyone because of the thought that he is a burden and I don't know everything so I can't be sure but I do wanna try and help so I will try and say what would help for me personally.

i don't know him but I wouldn't be surprised if he will quickly think that you are helping him because he thinks that you think it's your job , what I'm trying to say is that for example if you would ask something like : "how are you doing today?" , he will probably think that you feel required to say so.

what I would do is try and make it blend in the conversation or basically include your self in it and not making it feel like a one way conversation by for example adding something to compare with , it's really hard to think of examples but if you say something like : "today I felt really worthless while my boss .... , how do you deal with it?" It's making him feel like he is helping you and it's a lot easier to open up even if you don't really need help.

something else that might help is since he already feels pretty worthless you should maybe try and act as normal as possible because treating him like a fragile human is probably going to cause him to think that his thoughts are right or something like that. When in public don't try and shield him from anything unless you really notice he can't handle it then you can always find a subtle solution to leave and don't let him think it's because of him because that only makes him feel more like a burden , something like feeling nausea and ask him if you wants to join you or stay leaving him in control.

Stuff he should try is make appointments and promises as much as possible and least that is what helps for me , it's way easier to say yes a week before the event then the moment it self and for me at least the fear of what people will think of me when I don't follow up on promises and the quilt usually wins from the not wanting todo anything and fear of going outside but that might be different for him and you can of course help him with this.

and just acting like you want him there with you like he contributing and adding something to your life.

It may seem sometimes like I'm saying you are doing something wrong but that is certainly not the case it's just sometimes I have trouble finding the right words to get my point across since English isn't my first language.

it will probably not be anything life changing or special but I recognized way to much in his behavior I would feel bad to not at least try , and sorry for the long post.

Joost

No no don't apologize at all!! Any help is appreciated.

And I Understand what you're saying. Try to incorporate asking how he feels in a conversation rather than directly-it's much more easier to transition and for him to open up.

And it's hard for him to make appointments with me sometimes. He feels guilty sometimes, and has been trying hard to see the bright side of things. I hope his new counselor will click with him better than the last, and it will make him feel more comfortable to open up. In gonna try...but really thank you so much for opening up.....any thing and everything to help me understand

It's going to make him uncomfortable probably but you could instead assume you agrees on meeting and just instantly discussing times , if he really doesn't want it he will say so and if he is anything like me he probably shuts more people out then you just say you miss hanging out with him but yeah I don't know

Joost

*Assume he agrees

and just don't give up , he is probebly looking like me for reasons to justify his thoughts that he is a burden and also probebly very skeptical about anything that says he is not for example he will probebly think that most compliments are said only to try and make him feel better so instead I think I would be not to overly positive but give advice however depending on the thing you can try and convince him he is great and maybe better then .... But just not perfect because he thinks he is not perfect so that will just not register I think

I just saw this part....Insee what you mean. Sometimes I tell him he's a great guy before, and all he says "I'm trying." I just let him know simply that he's worth it, and he seems more receptive about that.

yeah him saying "I'm trying" means he doesn't believe it himself , it doesn't matter how much other people say he is great because in his mind he will always have a counter argument , he just has to figure it out on his own(with some help if possible of course) before he believes it and he should message me when he figures it out. But you are worth it does sound better yes but I really don't know the situation. Stuff that really helps is reminding him how much he has a achieved that day or week even stuff simple stuff might be difficult for him so it's important he knows it's something to be proud of and he will probably think/say that's nothing compared to a "normal" person but there is no one normal , he has 4 limbs and a head so that should define him as "normal" and he should compare himself with the only person that comes close to being as awesome as he and that was the him the day before

Something that might be an idea , since he probably doesn't enjoy his hobbies anymore as much as he used to you could try and convince him to start drawing, writing or just something creative , something to be proud of he might not be good like me :p but it helps being busy and you can use his work to start understanding him better. You/he might think he is not creative but that's no excuse it's a way of expressing yourself put your thoughts in perspective but yeah that might be different for him just something that works for me

Haha I'm trying to gently suggest it. He said he's thought about journaling, but still feels like he's stuck. Tried the art thing (I do art on the side), and he dismisses it, saying he has ZERO talent, though I believe he's actually pretty good at it. He does need an outlet to let some of these hinge it-like I do with my anxiety.@Joost96

I can imagine he would then quickly compare with you , something you could say to convince him to journal is to say that it has been scientifically proven that going through your day at the end helps improve your memory(I'm 99% sure it's true but don't have a source) so don't make it about the depression he might have a hard time coming to terms with the fact he can't do it alone anymore or continue as he is doing now

@Joost96 what he has said sometimes is that he (before he acknowledged his depression has consumed him) feels like he's on a bike, and the wheels are moving, but the bike and himself are not. You're right though. I gently encouraged him he shouldn't have to feel alone about this, and that I believe he is going on the right path In Seeking out help. I do try to remind him that he is worth it, and that we are all human, and we all have our flaw, but that's ok. He keeps saying how happy he has seen me come so far in my own journey on being better with my anxiety and my life, but I don't know how to encourage him that he is worthy of the help. He says he believes he does, and will get there....but is still stuck.

Yeah I get that feelings about being stuck and the bike , he should try and remind him self he isn't stuck because for example going to a counselor/therapist is going forward and he might not see it that way , but yeah seems like you try and remind him of that already :D , I don't know how it goes and every person is different but there is this person in my life that keeps reminding me of my flaws thinking that will encourage me to chance and that doesn't really help , it's pretty bad feeling to get acknowledgment from the outside in my opinion but he might think different

@Joost96 I try to avoid mentioning how we broke up in the first place, as it just brings him down more. I just try to remind him sometimes that we are all deserving of being okay. I know if I say "happiness", he beats himself down more, and says exactly what you said-"I'm trying". I'm just relieved he said he does need help, and as much as I want to jump I'm, I cannot, and he needs to make the contact with new potential therapists. He finally acknowledges that he can't do this alone, and needs to be seen weekly.

Yeah I get that feelings about being stuck and the bike , he should try and remind him self he isn't stuck because for example going to a counselor/therapist is going forward and he might not see it that way , but yeah seems like you try and remind him of that already :D , I don't know how it goes and every person is different but there is this person in my life that keeps reminding me of my flaws thinking that will encourage me to chance and that doesn't really help , it's pretty bad feeling to get acknowledgment from the outside in my opinion but he might think different

No no it makes more sense. We do have a day we meet up per week to hang out and spend time, as well as our weekly counseling sessions (which are something of another post of itself), but I can see it helps him sometimes.

No no it makes more sense. We do have a day we meet up per week to hang out and spend time, as well as our weekly counseling sessions (which are something of another post of itself), but I can see it helps him sometimes.

It's going to make him uncomfortable probably but you could instead assume you agrees on meeting and just instantly discussing times , if he really doesn't want it he will say so and if he is anything like me he probably shuts more people out then you just say you miss hanging out with him but yeah I don't know

Joost

you need to take care of your self frest exspecailly since he cheated on you. that was not right. my boy friend of 15 years broke up with me on face book. and didnt tell me why. he just put singoil on his face book page. sorry about my spelling i have specail neeeds. but i also suffer saver angziuty and depression. but i duffentlly put my self frest.

@jenniferlobsinger77 i definitely have been...and I will admit it's a struggle. There are bouts in anger I go through sometimes, but in the end I decided to forgive him, because I'll never get to move on with my life. It's easier said than done, but I have to remind myself ME. FIRST.